#tagents

My whole life has been dependent on my brain for comfort and safety in no matter shape of form. As long as the form didn't betray me. That was my biggest weakness. I became to dependent on it and didn't see the connections to have friends. They were people that would leave and come. A restless cycle that will not stop. But, it made me very loyal. When I did gain friends, very surprising, I would not betray them. And having a partner, is such a total different story. You want to meet up somewhere and just hug for an hour. Hell yes.

Its hard finding people who also agree with that kind of thinking. It is easy to hear people say, but that is either from friends or liars. So, I am happy. I pretend. I like pretending. It's kind of funny to see peoples reactions when they start understanding that I am not as friendly as I act. That I can and will hurt you if you injure my people. My people who I understand and ready to fight for. Who I know will never find out that I could also snap their friendship. I love feeling in control, but someone controlling me is exhilarating. Knowing that they could hurt me and love me at the same time. Understanding that we will never leave each other individually unless we both agree on friends. New relationships that start with me have always ended quickly. Being contained by some I love is always comforting. Hilariously I have never experienced anything sexual or even romantically in my lifetime. My morals and wants go against each other and never agree on anything. I mean why should they. Morals are only the basics of how society sees in each other and what I believe is right or wrong that has been shaped by society. My wants are based on what first come to mind. Its based on just first instinct and a lot of them are dark not really that happy. I want to scream and yell at ignorant people, but instead I yell at paper with ink. I want to kiss someone. I make fictional wounds. I want to let go of everything. I write a poem and post it online. Everything is online most of these days. I used to write notes to friends, but they didn't like writing back. They would just text normally. Using pen and paper is easy to use and express myself. Its just that I cannot ever think in the sun. It is way to easy when the moon is up and the clock says 12:04 AM. Why do humans need time. I mean I get why we have it, but why does it seem to kill us. Animals don't worry about this stuff. They don't need to remind themselves that there is a deadline due and are only mindlessly typing away. The thing about time that separates us from is that when they know its time to die they are okay with it they have done all the can and leave earth peacefully. For humans we regret every single thing about our life. We hate each other and we also have so many limitations. We can't do everything we can. Not when things stop us from doing what we want.

I like hearing about peoples problems. Not so I can say mine are worse, but because I like reimaging what could have happened. Sometimes I get so pissed at others for being so mean or ignorant that I forget to cool down for a few minutes. That it looks like I have blanked out and not listening to you. I do listen though.

I am so confusing. I can be really mean and really nice at the same time. I like surprising people that I can be such a bitch under their gazes. Is this what they call bipolar cause I have no idea. It usually changes after I watch something or read something. Like I notice the change in myself. Or when I am in a specific room. My battery like either drains or somehow recharges like that. I like freaking people out too. I am good at movie make-up, so around times like this, I make fake wounds, bruises, bite marks, etc. The first time I did it at home my mom freaked out until I told her what I did.