#t1d problems

Popping bottles in the club tonight!! and by bottles I mean insulin injections and by the club I mean my bedroom

i keep forgetting to give myself insulin. or maybe im not forgetting and im just not doing it so i get to feel “normal”. i hate that my eating has extra steps. the manner in which i eat is this: i hate meals. i hate breakfast lunch and dinner. so on weekends or any day i’m not at school i do not Do breakfast lunch and dinner. i snack in the morning and throughout the day. and i have dinner because i’m forced to. but it’s really hard to do insulin for several little snacks that all happen close to one another. especially when i get a bag of chips or something and zone out while i eat and i end up not knowing how much i ate and having to guess how many carbs it was. my sugar is high all the time because i just don’t give myself insulin. i keep forgetting to do it honestly. unless i’m in school for some reason. and lately (or for a while?) the fear of my sugar being too high has kept me from eating at home at all. no my sugar is too high to eat. my sugar is finally a good level, i shouldn’t eat so i can preserve that. i want to gain weight but it’s so hard when i don’t eat right. and diabetes has taken so much of my freedom too. my mom HAS to know my phone password so she can get into my phone if it beeps at night. HAS to be able to get a hold of me in case something horrible happens so im not allowed to turn off notification noises for her. i’m not allowed to express how diabetes makes me want to kill myself because it makes Her angry. i vent and i vent and i vent about how it sucks and she’s like “well you have to live with it” “well there might be a cure in ten years.” let me tell you. i DONT have to live with it. i can stop living with it at any time i like, but that means i stop being alive. and cure in ten years? you think that’s of any comfort? that’s too far away for me. and it will probably be expensive. insurance won’t fucking cover it. they wouldnt cover dexcoms and omipods for my brother and i until he had a seizure and almost fucking died. it’s all so awful. all my maladies combine to kick me down and starve me and make me miserable. it’s hard to do anything like this.