This has been in our drafts for ages, but a recent poll we reblogged got us thinking about it again, so here's a tip for other systems (especially newly discovered systems) that we consider very helpful
Sometimes, being a system can feel dehumanizing or like you've lost control of your life. You have to share everything with the other people in your body – where's your privacy? Where's your individuality? What can you do to carve out something of your own in the world? These kinds of questions, even if said with other sentiments, can be a struggle to answer as a system.
However, my system – inspired by other systems we've seen doing this – have a solution! Or at least, part of one. You'll still likely have to go through some emotional work to answer the above questions and find what's most comfortable for you. But for us, when one of us is feeling insecure or needs some individuality, there's something simple we do...
... We give each other gifts!
Or, more accurately, we choose something we want or have to be a certain system member's possession. It could be a project, a shirt, a toy, whatever works for them! Then they get to establish rules about the other system members touching Their Thingâ„¢, and have the most important say in anything regarding it. This isn't to say that other members would necessarily never get to touch or use that thing again, but rather, that the system member who it belongs to would get to choose on what terms others are allowed to touch it, the same way you might set a rule with a roommate about touching your things.
For example, Chara's Thingâ„¢ is a green cardigan. When we're going somewhere and they're going to be fronting for at least a majority of the time, they decide if we're going to pack it, and if they want to leave it at home or wear it out on bad days when they could use the comfort. They're alright with the rest of us wearing it if we want, but would prefer we be extra careful about not staining or losing it. If there was a situation where we'd have to negotiate on the cardigan, like if we needed space in a suitcase that the cardigan was taking up, we would have a discussion on how to compromise in the situation so that everyone is happy, such as what other things we could take out of the suitcase instead of the cardigan, or if we could wear the cardigan on our trip instead of packing it. Chara would get the final say in this discussion, but it's unlikely that we'd all end up unhappy.
We have other examples of this, too. Alterisa has a writing project she doesn't mind if we work on as long as we check with her before publishing, Kitten has a plushie she likes to bring when we travel, and Tempo's looking into getting a blue and green shirt to be more comfortable with our wardrobe. All of these things make them feel more secure in our system, and more comfortable with sharing most of our life since they always have something they can call their own.
If you're struggling with your individuality as part of a system, try starting with one small thing as your own! Choose something for yourself, establish some boundaries for others interacting with it, and enjoy having something to call your own. It doesn't have to be anything big – it could be as simple as a music playlist or a cool rock you found. Hang in there; life can be tough, but you can be tough, too.
