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"demedicalizing" complex dissociative disorders caused by severe and repeated trauma is wild
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been here before
i loooove relapsing sm!!! i love when our dad makes everything my fault & pretends like his shit mood and rudeness aren’t the reason i’m also in a shit mood. i’m not fucking BLAMING anyone, the fucking arguments you get into with your wife and the way it scares my younger siblings are the reason i’m acting like this. It’s your fucking fault i’m upset with you and acting distant. but i want validation and love and support from the guy so i cut and i lick my wounds like a dog and i remember that i’m still useful, that they still need me to care for my siblings and that i can’t kill myself because they need me.
sometimes i wonder if i could get him to kill me like phil did. if i fuck up bad enough, do you think he’d shove a blade through my chest the same way? could i convince him to get rid of me himself since he thinks i’m such a fucking waste of time?
There is not a moment that goes by in which I do not despise being a system.
No amount of love for the others, no amount of talking it through, no amount of community building will ever change the torment that comes from a disorder like this.
Every second is a reminder that my entire upbringing was founded in inescapable pain and suffering.
I was broken into pieces before I was big enough to defend myself.
My free will was stripped from me before I could so much as babble.
My life will always move on without me, in spite of me. I will continue to lose people with no option of goodbye. Oftentimes I will never learn why they even left.
Nothing belongs to me. My existence, my voice, my body, all are mine to borrow, but never mine to own.
This was done to me, and for the rest of my life, I will pay for the sins of my perpetrators while they continue to thrive.
All this to be here, to be told I “make this stuff up for fun”. Tell me, what sounds fun about this?
More so a vent post:
Something I ABSOLUTELY HATE when singlets come to us is when they mostly ask about "IS SYSTEM TRANSFER/HOPPING REAL?" I'm sorry but MF USE YOUR HEAD! I'm sorry if I'm being aggressive but THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT THAT. mf do we look like computers? Do we look like plug n play virtual pets? MMMHMHMHMM no it's not that's absolute BULLSHIT. Ah yes Plug in that usb port into my brain and put it in the other systems brain yeah yeah yeah so real.
Then they're like "OHHHHH.... I think I was lied to." No fucking shit you were you're speaking to an endo, it's physically impossible to do that, it doesn't make sense. It's not like your alters live in a multiverse. We are identities, fragments that split off or formed due to trauma. endos need to shut the fuck up an accept the fact that they're not SEVERELY traumatized, they're not a system, they're delusional or just a plain ass attention seeker, that this ISN'T FUN, who are HARMING people who actually HAVE this god awful disorder, and spreading false information such as piece of shit shows like Split. Stop saying "system hopping!!" Stop treating our disorder like we're a fucking virtual pet computer. DID/OSDD is a TRAUMA response a way of the brian to FUCKING SURVIVE! There is so so SO much into this disorder that makes you want to fucking off yourself. "Oh I dissociate so I must have it" THERE ARE SO MANY DISSOCIATIVE DISORDERS. DID IS JUST ONE OF THEM AND TO THE EXTREME! DO YOUR RESEARCH, TALK TO ACTUAL SYSTEMS, DON'T FAKE A DISABILITY FOR ATTENTION, IF YOU BELIEVE YOU HAVE DID/OSDD GO. GET. PROFESSIONAL. HELP. GO GET HELP. GO GET DIAGNOSED, GO. JUST GO! This isn't fun, this isn't quirky, stop treating DID/OSDD as some grand thing because it's hell, it affects your everyday function in life. Stop spreading misinformation around. Endos are NOT real. Stop Saying bullshit that's not true, stop saying BULLSHIT THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE. System hopping, like fuck off. Honestly. And I fucking heard this shit too "you're not a system you don't have fictive you have only 2 alters" OH-OH. OKAY. MAYBE YOU'RE THE ENDO HERE. DID/OSDD IS HAVING 1 EXTRA OR MORE ALTERS AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE FICTIVE IF YOU ARE ADHD/AUTISTIC FICTIVES ARE MORE LIKELY TO SPLIT OFF DUE TO DEEP CONNECTION. If you believe that you have to have fictives and 50+ alters to be system you just gave yourself away that you're an endo. That system we know has 2 other alters that went DORMANT that were brain made not a fictive split. They are still a system. I'm- honestly, what the fuck is wrong with these people??? Honestly??? I honestly fucking can't. ~ ⚠︎
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I don't really even have memories of it yet. Just feelings. Vague feelings, quick flashes. Enough to relate songs to characters I should know nothing about. Just a few, but it's there. Like a pressure in the back of my mind. It's not as upsetting as it first was, no. But it's still disconcerting. Looking him in the eyes, wondering "did you know me? Did you know me before we met here? Did we share a timeline? Was that death I saw really yours, or just one version of you? And if it was you I knew, and still do, what does it say that I forgive you? Of course I forgive you. I'll never be as mad at you as I am at them."
And what if I'm wrong? And misunderstanding this? And I'm not one of yours, and still only myself? Why then is it creeping in my mind like this, some show I don't really know enough about to say? But you're still here, you're still here. So what does it mean for me? Two of you now, but why? Surely it must mean some reason, coincidences don't feel like this. I feel sick weather I look at it through the lense of confirmation or doubt.
I try not to dwell on it much. But it's there, in my mind. And you are here too, no matter what it means.
-🥀💉
talking about my trauma is fucking hard because no, I don't have that one specific incident that ruined my life
I've faced childhood neglect starting at and exponentially increasing since I was the ripe age of fucking 3
neglect isn't something I can point at and go "yeah that's how that happened" because it didn't happen nothing happened that's the fucking point. something that should have happened didn't and these things weren't happening all. the. time.
aside from that aspect, constantly present abuse and neglect like I (and all other systems) suffered is even harder to talk about because it was constant. it was always there. every conversation with my family, every mealtime, every day I went to bed, it was always there and it still is
how do I explain to someone that hasn't experienced that themselves that I don't have a "worst day ever"
every day was equally bad
and I can't even identify and point at the interactions that made it bad because it wasn't the presence of them is was the lack thereof
.
Sharing my SP online and then it immediately getting it posted on r/SystemCringe was like a fucking curb stop to my psyche.
Like putting aside the entire, we all had my little pony profile pictures so they assumed we had 50+ MLP fictives (which cmon that's just so fucking stupid), every time I post something or someone else in the system posts something joking or slightly cringe I'm back in panic mode just imagining that post ending up on the subreddit. I've deleted reddit so I can't look anymore but fuck man. That really fucking destroyed me. Cunt.
