I want more happy pills to make me die..

Lately I been having suicidal thoughts and wanting to harm myself. I just don't know how far I'm going to make it. I'm trying to stay so strong but there's always a point where people can hold so much. I swear the only thing that is keeping me away from harming myself is the bandana that my grandpa used to use when he was alive wrap around my hand. As well Jared voice saying "always keep fighting" or Jensen saying "be strong in the moments where you want to be weak." But the day is going to come when I will just brake because I been holding on for 5 years I don't know how much I'm going to take. I just can't this feeling inside me is killing me. I just wish I couldn't feel a damn thing. Why god why does it have to be me.