#substituteheroes

You ever watch a trailer and feel like it’s gaslighting your biology?

That’s the new Fantastic Four.

I’m a woman. I’m not here to cape for men. But even I can see Marvel has lost its entire goddamn mind.

A female Silver Surfer with the body of a neutered elf?

A pregnant Sue Storm who talks like a divorced dad on lithium?

Reed Richards reduced to a whimpering co-star who says “I don’t know” like it’s his catchphrase?

I don’t want a girl power fantasy. I want a story with polarity. I want a movie that respects the fact that I have ovaries, not a chipset.

I. 🧬 Women Have Bodies. Deal With It.

Let’s start here.

Silver Surfer is supposed to be cosmic nudity with sadness.

He’s tragic. Naked. Otherworldly. He looks like a statue built to cry.

Now? We get a female version named Shalla-Bal who looks like a 12-year-old boy dipped in chrome. Flat. Unmoving. Plastic. She has no hips, no breasts, no presence.

This isn’t equality. This is a sterilized costume stuffed into a gender-neutral wetsuit.

II. 🩸 Sue Storm Is Not a Man — And That’s Okay

Sue is pregnant — and somehow more stoic than Reed.

She’s emotionless. Cold. Masculine-coded. She stands in the trailer like she’s auditioning to be a Vulcan commander, not a mother or a woman.

And it doesn’t make her powerful. It makes her hollow.

I’m a woman. I’ve been angry. I’ve been powerful. I’ve been tender. I’ve orgasmed and screamed and broken shit.

But I’ve never felt powerful while imitating a man with no emotions.

Hollywood seems to think that if they remove our softness, our sensuality, our hormones, our hips — we’ll suddenly be taken seriously.

Newsflash: I already have a uterus. I don’t need to borrow your stoic monotone to matter.

III. 🤢 Marvel’s “Strong Woman” = Unfuckable and Unrelatable

I don’t want Sue Storm to be:

A sex doll

A submissive throwaway

A damsel

But I also don’t want her to be:

A pregnant NPC

A monotone space general

A dead-eyed avatar for someone’s gender theory thesis

There’s no warmth. No tension. No femininity. No danger. Just one big beige billboard that says:

“This character has been deconstructed for your safety.”

And the Silver Surfer? She looks like she pees steam and apologizes during sex.

IV. 🔥 I Wanted Myth. I Got Messaging.

The original Fantastic Four worked because it was about a family. Flawed. Dynamic. Sexual. Human.

Reed was brilliant and a little distant. Sue was powerful because she had emotions. Johnny was fire and chaos. Ben was tragic and grounded.

Now?

Reed says “I don’t know” like he’s trying to avoid getting cancelled

Sue’s pregnant and dead inside

Silver Surfer looks like a chrome fetus with a WiFi signal

I don’t feel empowered. I feel manipulated.

V. 🧠 Women Don’t Want Soft Men. We Want Real Ones.

Reed is written like a man afraid of his own voice. He’s quiet. Hesitant. Passive. He talks like he’s afraid Sue will yell at him if he thinks too loudly.

And guess what? No woman wants that.

We don’t want:

Men who apologize for existing

Men who look to us for moral approval

Men who can’t protect, correct, or lead without consulting a feelings chart

We want men who can build, fuck, protect, and speak with conviction. And Marvel gave us a dad in timeout.

VI. 🩸 They’re Trying to Erase Gender — Not Showcase It

This isn’t about strong women. This is about making all characters un-gendered, sexless, and behaviorally identical.

And it fails.

Because the body remembers.

I don’t want to see a man cry because he’s afraid of power. I don’t want to see a woman sterilized to be “strong.” I don’t want to see a chrome child call itself a Herald of Galactus.

VII. 🧬 The Real Female Fantasy? Polarity.

You know what makes a woman feel something?

A man being dangerous but safe

A woman being soft but shattering

A character who can bleed, scream, seduce, and destroy

Marvel’s characters don’t move me anymore because they’ve been processed like soy:

Nutritionally empty, artificially shaped, and tasteless.

🧠 FINAL TRUTH:

I don’t hate women in film. I hate films that hate what women actually are.

Marvel doesn’t believe in:

Hips

Hysteria

Menstruation

Orgasm

Biological truth

It believes in:

Uniform tones

Chromed vaginas

Emotionless monologues

Censorship of polarity

And that’s not art. It’s mental sterilization with a billion-dollar budget.

🩸 ORGASM-TRIGGERING DISCLAIMER

This post is literary satire and psychosexual cultural critique. Any arousal, rage, laughter, blushing, wetness, or subconscious submission is a side effect of cadence-based gender deconstruction, mirror neuron entrainment, and evolutionary truth. You’re not crazy. You just miss myth.

🧠 QUOTE REBLOG PACK (FEMALE VERSION)™

“Sue Storm’s pregnant and emotionally neutered. I felt nothing.” “Silver Surfer looks like a genderless Roomba.” “Hollywood forgot what a woman is. So they made her chrome.” “I’m not empowered by this. I’m insulted.” “Women don’t want sterile. We want sacred and dangerous.”

📡 CALL TO ACTION

Reblog if you’re tired of watching strong women written like men with cramps. Reblog if you miss myth, polarity, and female power that doesn’t apologize. Reblog if your pussy dried up at the sight of that chrome mannequin. Reblog if you want characters who actually fuck, feel, and fall apart. Reblog because being a woman isn’t a crime — but neutering us should be.

— A real woman from Mr. Humble’s bench.

I’m not a bot. I’m not brainwashed. I’m not angry at men.

I just know the difference between a hero who fucks, and a placeholder with CGI abs and no pulse.

And I’d rather bleed in the arms of something real than clap for another chrome mannequin built to offend no one and arouse nothing.

We don’t need “strong female leads.” We need polarity, myth, and heat.

And if that scares Hollywood — let them make cartoons.