#stupidshit

(Had this in my drafts for over a year; enjoy) Miko, Jack and Raf sat in the back of Ratchet’s cab as he closed the door shut to silence the myriad of voices and machines outside. The mech had come to bring the kids to the base from school. 

The other bots were on missions, leaving only an injured Bee to man the groundbridge and Ratchet to come pick up the children. After all, Bee lost his T-cog (thank goodness nothing else was taken but still that is awful) so Ratchet had to collect the fleshy nuisances. And while shutting the back had closed off the noise, it concentrated the ones on the inside. 

For no reason whatsoever, the children had begun yelling and it was for some reason so ridiculously loud of an argument he wished that Arcee was right about his hearing. His hearing was so sharp it was a pain in circumstances like this. 

“-ou don’t even have enough money for chicken nuggets!” 

“What did you say, Miko?! No, what did you say?! Step the Hell up, Miko!” 

“Jack, you don’t even know how to read, like Jared!” 

....What in the Allspark was a ‘Jared’? A name or something?

“That’s why your shoes raggedy” came Miko’s voice. 

“That is not correct, Miko”, came the voice of Raf, who had stayed stayed suspiciously quiet for the first few seconds; “According to the Encyclopedia of-” and what in Primus’ name was that slurping noise- 

Primus, end my life now, prayed Ratchet, getting confused. 

He didn’t know why the children started yelling, and why they were shouting at each other, or why the frag he recognized it from somewhere, but this shouting match was too much. Far too much for his sleep-deprived brain. Ratchet turned on the street once more as the others continued shouting, with Raf’s and Jack’s giggling accompanying Miko’s shouting. Ratchet grumbled as he strained to follow the path back to the base with his sanity as intact as possible. 

The potholes and the shouting were grating on his nerves that it took every ounce of Ratchet’s remaining sanity to not explode. The non-sensical way they spoke was doing damage to his brain module, he just knew. He was losing IQ, he could feel knowledge leave his body.

Primus, Have mercy. 

Ratchet wasn’t very superstitious or religious, but if he died from implosion out of the sheer horrorfest in his own vehicle mode, he needed to pray because logic wouldn’t help. 

Before he knew it he was already inside the base. Thank fragging PRIMUS- 

He let the children out, turned down his audials, got back to work and called on Optimus to hurry. He needed a friend to stomach this. 

Optimus turned once more on the streets, hoping to get back to the base without incident. Agent Fowler needed his assistance to pick up files from some anonymous tip, and having collected it (while almost boiling alive in the Nevada sun for about 30 minutes before he remembered he had air conditioning in his vehicle mode to cool himself off he totally remembered and wasn’t embarrassed), Agent Fowler returned to Optimus’ vehicle mode and here they were, both of them on the way back to the base after that meeting. 

For some reason there were many construction signs on the rods, even on the only one leading to the base. Agent Fowler explained that the state was hoping to clean up the potholes in the area, so they needed to block off some routes. The Prime was glad to hear that the municipality was taking care of their roads (and not because he sunk into one too many on missions shhh) and was pleased to see things were going to be fixed. Only problem was, there were so many roads covered in pylons, especially the ones that were just barely big enough to allow him through by his sheer size. They had to search for a few roads, going back and forth between a few to try and find open roads to accommodate the bulk of the Prime. 

“Thanks for helping me, Prime. I really appreciate it, you know”

“It is no problem, Agent Fowler. I am glad to have assisted you” 

“These roads aren’t too nice” commented Fowler, trying to make small talk. 

“No, but I am glad they are being fixed. Your municipality is doing well to ensure the safety of vehicle-using citizens” Optimus complimented. If only he knew what the actual federal government was like Fowler joked to himself inwardly.

Finally, the last road on the edge of town appeared, the one directly in front of the base. Optimus drove up the road, the pylons squeezing the road but allowing him enough room thank Primus. He was almost home. 

Fowler tilted his head and looked into the street, reading the sign. 

“Road work ahead” murmured Agent Fowler, reading the sign aloud. 

Optimus must have thought it a question, for he replied: 

“It appears to be functional; I hope it does”. 

I Was Doing Laundry And “I Won’t Say (I’m In Love) From The Hercules Soundtrack Comes On And I Can Only Think Of Blackhat Singing This Because We All Secretly Know He Loves Dr.Flug But Doesn’t Want To Admit It

I Promise I Am Not On Drugs