#stuckonyou

  The following morning we woke to a blanket of thick snow all over London. Jamie stood with his arm stretched resting over the sill of his window, describing the scene before him. "We could be snowed in for days Sassenach,"  he said winking wildly like a big red owl, I lay limp in the bed admiring his bare buttocks and listening drowsily to his account.  My legs felt disconnected from my body, and I wasn't entirely sure if they would support me if I attempted to go to the window to look for myself. 

He quickly scurried back into bed, burrowing himself behind my naked back, entangling his cold feet between my calves. We lay there for a while and, Jamie leisurely drew patterns into the back of my hand while planning our breakfast.

“you won’t be hungry if you keep chewing on my ear like that” I scolded sometime later. "It's nibbling Sassenach not chewing, and it’s meant to entice ye to do lewd things with me" his hand dipped lower between my bare thighs. "Jamie Fraser I barely have the use of my legs thanks to all the lewd things you did to me throughout the night!" I slapped his hand away indignantly. "You can't possibly expect me to use up any more of my depleted energy supply without feeding me first."

Jamie gave a resigned sigh “Fine…ye cruel woman”, he pushed himself up from the bed, and his phone began to pulse repeatedly on the bedside locker. Jamie glanced down at the screen before silencing it. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” I wrapped the sheet around my breasts shuffling up in the bed. Jamie rucked a hand through his hair and stretched. “Nah it's nothing important."

A sliding ache of anxiety rippled around in my tummy, the same feeling that I got during his phone call from home the night before.

I had tried to dismiss it; instead, I allowed Jamie to show me without words how he loved me,  our bodies moving slowly beneath the sheets of his bed. 

Now the heavyweight of distrust that had weighed down on my chest the night before had returned with abandon.

I heard the shower run, and I snuck a glance at Jamie's screen.

One missed call: Da

Jamie had answered last night because he had little choice, you didn't miss a call from your parents on Christmas day. There wasn't going to be a time when I wasn't going to be in earshot. The phone call was fairly typical of a family ringing their son to wish him a merry Christmas.

There was a chorus of Happy Christmas on the Fraser side which Jamie reciprocated.

I had thought it was Ellen's voice I could hear through the mouthpiece when she asked him how his day had been. Jamie's response accurate but lacking in context, "Oh aye…of course I cooked Turkey mam", a laugh on both sides as Ellen told him something about her day. Jamie fiddled with a coaster on the coffee table as he spoke head bent in concentration, I pretended to pay attention to the movie that had been turned down in volume so he could answer the call. Another chuckle and a throaty "aye we went to mass…there is a cathedral across the road".  The phone was passed along to his nephew where Jamie's voice changed to a more animated version. He questioning little Jamie about what Santa had brought, Jamie teasing him that he thought Santa would bring coals on account of what he had done to his grandda (a story I didn't know). This went on for a while, and though my head was spinning with the phone conversation in general, my heart warmed just hearing Jamie speak with his nephew. Jenny was next, and a much more colluding conversation took place, Jenny asked the same generic questions, but this time Jamie's response was softer, almost whispering. "Aye Janet it was one of the best," he said smiling through the mouthpiece, a shared secret between the two "aye she is" was uttered. Jamie's ears had gone a little pink at something Jenny said while sneaking a look over at me. I could see him smiling in my peripheral vision as I stared head-on at the tv. “worth every second” he said quietly.

The call ended after that, at first I tried to shield myself a little from Jamie's gaze or embrace. Not knowing how to feel or process the phone call from home, but as the night wore on Jamie's tentative determination to keep me close, to love me bested the barrier I had erected.

Now faced with Brian's call I couldn't pretend there wasn't something off about Jamie's interaction with his parents, nor could I pretend it wasn't related to me.

I jumped suddenly from the bed and scrambled in my bag for clothes. I didn’t want to be naked in front of Jamie right now; I needed a buffer of sorts.  The idea of being a secret from Jamie’s parents hurt, why did he keep it from them? I couldn’t think of any logical answer except that they didn’t approve of me.

Since Jamie and I had reunited, he had spoken of his parents often, in terms of when he was in counselling the support they gave him, particularly his Mother, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised he didn’t speak of more recent versions of them, as in what they felt about him moving to London. Jenny certainly knew why he came here but did his parents?

My mind was swirling with possibilities and excuses, I didn’t hear Jamie approach, until he wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing the space between my shoulder blades, humming contently into my hair. “Why are ye no naked Claire?” he asked swaying me slightly over and back, I pushed his arms gently down from my waist and turned to look at him. "You know I thought I probably should head home…for a while, anyway, …we have drinks at Gellis's later", I trailed off biting my bottom lip.

Jamie turned me around to face him “what’s happened?” his face etched in concern. “nothing I just can't stay in bed all day…as appealing as it sounds" I shrugged my shoulders and redirected my gaze to the floor, Jamie tilted my chin, so I had to look directly at him "tell me Claire?" his voice firm.

His face changed from concern to panic, and I couldn't bring myself to ask him the question that was bothering me most. “It’s nothing," I said softly attempting a smile. “I just….”,  Looking around the room at our discarded clothes, memories of the last two days came flooding back, Jamie had shown me he loved me in this apartment, we had two days of relearning, of honesty. Leaving me with no qualms about how he felt, maybe he was waiting until he went home to tell his parents? My mind didn’t buy that excuse, but my heart squeezed at the sight of his pleading eyes.

“I just thought that …well it was only meant to be a second date…I feel like we have been holed up here for a week.”

 "dinna go Claire”, he said softly, Jamie’s brows still furrowed I knew he didn’t quite believe my excuse.

“Ok” this time the smile reached my eyes. Jamie bent to kiss me so tenderly I actually thought my heart would burst. “good” he said a little breathlessly sometime later, before making me naked again, loving the worries away.

      Gellis had a tradition of hosting a party at her house on Boxing Day each year.

This year she had a new man to impress, so the text invites dictated ‘fancy formal'. I had no idea which dress code this meant but opted for a fitted teal dress with a scoop neck, my straightened hair piled on top of my head and a pair of very impractical sparkling stilettos, which I could only put on once inside her apartment as they didn't stand a chance in the snow. Jamie wore a white shirt/suit pants combo. He looked like a young James bond his hair styled back slightly with gel, and the top button of his shirt opened giving him an air of sophisticated casualness.

We arrived fashionably late, having decided on a shared shower to save time which had the reverse effect and delayed us considerably.

Gellis took our coats hissing "ye are almost an hour late Claire!", I gave her a sheepish shrug and brushed down my dress, she rolled her eyes and glared at Jamie "I am blaming ye fox," Jamie looked quite pleased with his culpability and shot Gellis a dazzling smile while handing her a couple of bottles of wine.

  Prosecco and a very expensive looking Italian beer had been stacked in an elaborate display on Gellis’s dining table. Grabbing one of each we made our way across the living room to where Rupert stood amongst a gang containing Mary Hawkins, I noticed Mary’s eyes widened slightly as we approached and she nudged the girl beside her, oh Christ Sarah.

This time my stomach didn't clench or my palms sweat; instead, I just slid up beside Rupert and said: "hey there roomie". Rupert on sight of me and clearly in full festive drinking mode growled loudly and lifted me bodily into his arms, "I feel like I havna seen ye for weeks!" he exclaimed loudly, rubbing the top of my head as if I was a well-behaved child. "I missed ye Clairebear," my responding smile and squeeze of his shoulders told him I missed him too, "for god sake man" Jamie hissed "she was not gone that long! ". He was looking around himself self-consciously, mindful that Rupert was making it blindly apparent I hadn't been home.

"Actually James" Rupert said slurring over the vowels and pointing his index finger into Jamie’s face “ye will find it has been two days and one night and she lives with me…so I should ken”  he gave a little flourish with his hand and swayed back on his heels slightly. Rupert looked at Jamie now through one eye, his brow furrowed, "Christ man …are ye alright? Ye look like a stag at the end of rutting season", Jamie narrowed his eyes warningly, I, however, had no idea what Rupert meant. "What?" I said scrunching my nose slightly.

 “Jesus, you’re clueless,” he breathed, rolling his eyes at me.  “tis only a stag always looks near death after servicing the doe's, he dinna have time to eat or sleep from it…that's what Jamie looks like", there was a few snorts from beside me and I could see Jamie was about to strangle Rupert. Trying to distract him, I tilted my almost empty glass towards Jamie and said: "would kill for another, please?”

With Jamie gone it gave me a chance to speak with Rupert, I gave his sleeve a little tug and said "meet me on the veranda. I want to ask you something". Rupert's eyes were glassy, and he didn't look overly interested in what I had to say, but he followed me obediently. Howling as soon as the freezing air hit his lungs, "ach Claire make it quick" he jumped impatiently from foot to foot.

I couldn’t help but remember that  I had stood on a similar veranda months before, rage boiling in my belly at Jamie’s attempt to establish if I found it difficult being around him. I had responded with a sharp rebuttal telling him I was no longer in love with him. Jamie had spoken of the conversation the night previous, how he wasn't able to go to the gym with Rupert after it, choosing to go home his chest caving in at the idea he had indeed lost me.

There were many things Jamie had recalled for me from his perspective, so I knew how he was feeling since coming to London or during our time apart, he always led with honesty even when it wasn’t the most attractive option.

That's why I couldn't fathom whatever was happening with his parents why he felt he couldn't talk to me about it, unless of course that it would hurt me.

Rupert was watching me expectantly, clearing my throat, "Rupert I need to ask something of you?” He narrowed his eyes and burrowed his bottom lip into his chin “is this to do with Jamie, cause I tell ye,  I have had a lot to drink, and I dinna think it would be a good idea to ask me for discretion just now."

I rolled my eyes and sighed "Rupert, please …I need to know something."

Rupert leaned back up against the wall and folded his arms, "alright go on."

“Tell me what you knew about Jamie when we were apart?”

Rupert shook his head at me warningly “Claire I am nay gonna betray the man…he wasna at his best ya ken?”

“look," I said putting my hand on his arm, "he told me the most of it…I know he got help…I know he was in bad shape…I need to know…I need to have an idea of what his parents saw?”

Rupert looked at me brows creased in confusion, and let out a weary sigh "I ken ye wouldna ever hurt him with this information?"  posed as a question, I found myself thinking he had sobered considerably at the mention of Jamie's past.

"I promise."

Rupert let out a big breath and ran a hand over his beard.

“I went to see him a few times…when he went back to Lallybroch to regroup or get better, whatever ya call it.” He finished awkwardly.

  I shifted nervously, half dreading Rupert’s account.

  "He was there but he wasn't there, he was like a fucking ghost."  Rupert moved forward and leaned against the rails looking out at the street below covered in snow.

  “Ellen and Brian were worried sick…they watched him constantly, afraid to let him out of their sight."

  I nodded and leaned my back up against the railing so I could see Rupert’s face.

  “I can only imagine," I said quietly.

  Rupert cleared his throat and gulped the bottle of beer he was holding. “Aye…it was horrible to see him like that, his eyes were dead…he grieved for Willie of course, but he missed you something chronic…he was a drift sort of…nothing to anchor him." Rupert paused for a minute his beard musingly, “ya know in a way I have a huge amount of respect for him…he never hid it, ya ken some men would be ashamed to say they were heartbroken or they missed their woman…but Jamie didn’t, he told me straight out.”

  "I keep thinking what I would do differently had I known how bad he was…" there was a hard lump forming in my throat, and I didn't want to Rupert to be put off by my tears, he seemed lost in his own thoughts staring out at the sky contemplatively.

  “when he phoned me”, Rupert began again, “to say he was coming here to London…I dinna ken how to tell ye…I nearly shit myself when he asked me could I find out where ye lived…” he gave me a wry grin.

  I squeezed his hand supportively "Knowing now what Jamie went through; I can see why you were so worried about telling him we were roommates."

  Rupert nodded and exhaled "YE have no idea." He took another long gulp of his beer.

  " the thing is since he found ye here, whatever is happening between ye…it’s so good to see him like himself again…”

  I must have looked concerned because Rupert continued, "dinna get me wrong he was doing better before coming here…but when I see him around you, he is fucking beaming…the wee fool."

  We stood in companionable silence for a while, Rupert playing with the label on his bottle of beer.

“It took its toll on his Ma and Da ya ken?” he said eventually

“I’m sure” I turned my head slightly so Rupert couldn’t see my expression.

"Losing Willie and then the worry of Jamie."

“Did they ever mention me?" I blurted suddenly.

Rupert shook his head and leaned back while holding onto the railings, “ dinna ken how to say this to ye without it wounding ye Claire."

"I need to know Rupert." My voice quivered, but I held his gaze, giving Rupert time to resolve whatever was going on in his head.  

Eventually, he turned to me and said "Jamie nearly dinna come back the last time…Ellen watched him like that for a year, petrified that she would lose another son.” I nodded silently. “Death changes people Claire” his voice was grave, he shook his head and continued. “indiscretions” he started and I raised my eyebrows “ok then unfaithfulness”, he clarified, “Well these things don’t seem as significant when you are dealing with life and death."

 He pressed his lips into a thin line, "Ellen, saw her son not really wanting to live, grieving over a woman that wouldna tell him where she was, that had left without a word, a woman the family loved as well.”

I knew where he was going but I wasn't sure I wanted to hear, he closed his eyes briefly and said: "Ellen knew I was living with you, I told her eventually."

“and?” I asked, my mouth suddenly dry.

Rupert bit the side of his mouth “she told me never to tell Jamie, she hoped he never found ye again.”