#straud asks

ik everyone has their opinions on why simblr feels different than it did years ago, why it feels like it's "dying." I think multiple things are true at once. maybe it feels different but I think I also have changed a lot since I joined simblr in 2017 as a senior in high school. I'm 26 now. that's crazy to think about isn't it?? I spent my whole young adult life here. I grew up here. In spite of its flaws I love it here. I don't know how to express it meaningfully but I hope you guys know I mean it when I say I deeply love this community, I deeply love the people in this community.

Honestly maybe the fact I love this community so much is why I'm so scared to return. I put a lot of merit into what y'all think. As far as Standstill is concerned, I think it's hard for me to want to be earnest about something I've poured so much of myself into, especially for an audience, when I already care so much about what y'all think. I mean firstly the medium itself is just inherently silly. there's something intrinsically silly about the fact that I chose The Sims 4 specifically as the foundation I used to tell a story which revolves around abuse, power dynamics, and struggles with sexual intimacy. like, it's ok, you can laugh, I get it, it's funny, I laugh about it too. I'm fully aware of how weird and maladjusted it is. I am also very aware of how weird and maladjusted other people think it is because I have had no shortage of people who go out of their way to let me know they think I am weird and maladjusted for this, lol. over the years I've learned to embrace it, but it still often feels like a practice in humility. so, already from the jump, there's all that to reckon with, and that's before I've even posted. already a difficult ask.

and then on top of that I actually got to post it? open myself up for any and all to see? I dunno how it is for others, but for me, there is a degree of humility which comes from sharing my art. It's revealing in a way I'm unequipped to handle. I think I have always been somewhat of a private person, I love to socialize and I love people, but I'm very selective about the information I disclose to people. and yet I see the process of creating and sharing art as a deeply personal and intimate experience; something that's supposed to be revealing. it's hard for both feelings to coexist, at least for me it is. using TS4 as a storytelling medium is already a big ask from people who at large do not see it as art in the way I do. so I'm already defensive about it bc I think I have to prove to others that yes this is an artform, yes I am here to say something thoughtful and meaningful, yes I am capable of saying something thoughtful and meaningful using TS4 as my medium. and then on top of that it feels like I am ripping out pages of my diary and shooting them at you. so I'm already defensive as it is and now I'm extra defensive bc it's already so deeply personal. that isn't anyone else's fault but mine either, and it isn't even that Standstill or Breanna's life is so incredibly similar to mine, it's more separate than you'd think. but it's like the emotion is still there, the emotion is still mine, and I guess that's too revealing for me regardless. honestly when I post my story for you guys to see it feels like I'm standing naked in a crowded room. completely vulnerable. how do you defend yourself like that?

and then, on top of all that, the world at large feels very hostile to exist in. I don't think it's surprising that this hostility would bleed into our online communities as people start to/continue to feel the heat offline. maybe as we feel worse the internet feels worse as a consequence, since we are the pilots in a way. I don't know. that's definitely how it's felt for me over the past year. I feel like a child putting her hand on a hot stove, like I'm doing it to myself. I think a lot about how earlier this year I deleted reddit in a heat of the moment decision and it ended up being one of the best decisions for my mental health. I didn't realize how badly I was treating myself by starting my mornings every day making myself angry by scrolling AITA. it seems like such a stupid thing doesn't it? it seems like something you'd realize so quickly, it amazes me to think I didn't realize it until this year. and I think about how hostile I've treated others in this community and how hostile I've been treated in return and I can't really shake the feeling that it's starting to feel the same as it did back in January when I deleted reddit. there's obviously way more skin in the game for me here, in the sense that I deeply love simblr, I love tumblr, I love our community, I've been a vocal member of said community for almost 10 years now. but when I see the difference in myself from now versus just one year ago, when I was far more concerned with my Simblr output than I was with visiting my local park multiple times a week, I can't help but think how much happier I am now that my priorities are different. I used to make myself sick trying to put out 1 simblr post a week, I wouldn't sleep for days. I'd picked my ears raw, they were literally open wounds. This year I've finally gotten a hold of my compulsions and my ears are finally healing after 5 years of struggling. I don't think I'd be able to heal properly while maintaining the schedule I maintained last year.

all that being said I don't think I could ever abandon simblr. I've always avoided saying I'm quitting bc in truth I don't see myself quitting. I go on extended breaks, I observe the world around me and get a feel for what's okay to post and when it's time to retreat into myself, I go through phases where I'm talkative and phases where I'm shy, but my love for this community has never wavered. I love reading your stories, I love watching your animations, I love hearing about your ocs, I love reblogging your renders and edits, I love learning all the little details of your personal lives, I love that we have a place online where we can celebrate our love of art and creativity through something as simple as a video game we all like. even thru the bad memories I will always always always hold in the highest regard all of the amazing wonderful beautiful memories because in comparison to the droplet of bad memories the good memories have been an ocean. I'll never find a place like simblr again and I wouldn't want to either.

so... to answer you question... one day? Certainly not today, probably not tomorrow either, but as long as I'm alive let's say there's a chance Standstill will be updated.