It is interesting to watch what we have become under this presidency.  The modernity of this country seems to slip from our grasp, little by little, then all at the same time.   We seem to be fighting things that we never thought we would have to again, rights that we have earned are up for grabs in a fight no normal person feels like they could win.  From a mental health standpoint, it is exhausting and sometimes anxiety-inducing.  Never mind the other mental health issues people are battling because of not only the things inside them but the things outside them too.

We are sitting in a place which feels like waiting, for every bit of breaking news that seems to attack the citizens of this country, as well as the people trying to come here for a break from what seems like the worst things that could ever happen to them, but just beyond those gates exists a different kind of hell. 

Americans struggle to battle some of the worst things we have seen in a long time.  The things some of us have experienced is mind-blowing.  Things that were once forced to be kept in the dark have been given a spotlight, and every ugly face grins into it.  Confederate flags fly in the wind with pride.  Bumper stickers in support of a man who doesn’t believe in a woman’s right to choose, in the right to seek asylum, in the responsibility to pay taxes, in common sense gun laws, or even in the Constitution.  I think it is hard to swallow seeing people pledging love for America but not what America stands for, or did stand for at one time.  We have taken giant leaps backward, and it seems like it’s ok to some but damning to most.  The part that feels the worst is the helplessness in it all, and the allowance of fear and anger to enter our daily lives.

I feel sorry for what our children are seeing every day, what they have experienced already at such young ages.  The drills that they have been taught to survive a day in school if something horrible happens, and how we as parents have lost the ability to feel like we can protect our children, and like school is a safe place to be.  They believed that for a long time, and so did we.  Now, we worry about their lives more than we already had to.

My daughter already knows more about loss than any child should.  Her friends have lost their grandparents, some have lost their parents to these horrible laws that have deported them and sent them back to countries that persecute them, abuse them and violate their human rights.  Even as people seek a path to legal citizenship, that is still not enough.  

She knows about children being torn from their parent's arms and sleeping in cages. Not because I told her (a soft talk was given but worrying a child that already exhibits anxious tendencies is not something any parent wants to do).  She is aware and understands the world around her.  Children talk to one another, and I don’t think as adults give them as much credit as maybe we should.  Being open with your children is important, but what they see right now is chaos even we don’t understand.  Some things I feel like even I can’t explain.

There are days I think I want to try to understand what is happening and why people feel the way they feel.  It makes me curious because I don’t share the same morals or values and maybe that’s where the block is. I know people who believe in him, in what he has done and what he claims to be doing.  Hell, they voted for him.  They believe in his tweets, his blasphemous nonsense, his inability to see something other than his base.  They want his wall, to keep out people who work hard in this country and only want a chance.  They believe what he spews on a daily basis.  It has become something the whole World must deal with and something Americans see as their real life.  

The truth is this makes me not want to understand.  It makes a lot of people feel like they have to approach people as they approach them, and they have to respond accordingly.  It is hard to understand racism when you aren’t racist, just like it is hard to accept racism as a way of life that is acceptable for anyone when you are not racist.  You can refuse to be subjected to someone’s behavior, and they can do the same, but having to prove every day that this is not normal or acceptable or even legal to someone that doesn’t care is exhausting.  

It is also unnecessary.  Or rather it should be.

What this administration has taught me is to try let go. It is teaching me not to ingest everything and to really understand what issues bother me and stay focused on those for now, and even though this post many issues we face, we need to concentrate and unite in order to get the things we not only want but need.  

We can’t take on every battle at once, and I am not the only person that has to learn that.  

Some people will hold on to an idea like a starving dog eating a t-bone steak.  There is no reasoning with someone who believes abortion is wrong, or child abuse as someone told me, or infanticide.  Religion should not play a part in women’s healthcare, but it seems as though separation of Church and State is something that has gone down the drain like other things that make America the country it is.  

The idea that such misinformation is actually being repeated by this administration is not only scary, but it is dangerous.  Instead of thinking of controlling women, this administration should think about the doctors, nurses, and caregivers it has put in danger on a daily basis.  It stops their ability to perform necessary healthcare procedures.  People who go to work every day to help women choose what is right for them, who sit with them before every procedure and explain what is going to happen, and who allow them to change their minds if they wish.  The decision is hard for some, and necessary for others.  I am sure there are women who abuse this right, but I am also sure this number is much less than women that are in need of the help and services these places offer.  These are important decisions that should be made by women on a case by case basis and passing sweeping laws in states to outlaw, or make this procedure more difficult than it already is heartless and cruel.

During this administration, I have learned now more than ever that it is a man’s world.  Men are still controlling the blood, sweat and tears of women, we are still viewed as lesser and treated as such no matter how much we fight.  We can march, we can scream, we can petition, we can sit in, play dead, and raise our fists and voices.  We can vote, but that doesn’t seem to work for women because we did that and ended up in this situation anyway.  Still we marched, because at times it’s hard to understand that there really is no way out of the situation. We are pretty much useless unless we try again.  

It’s hard to convince women of color that they need to, that we need them to come out in full force for a candidate they might not agree with or support.  But the truth is, in order not to be the subject of more repeals of women’s rights, more human rights violations, more attacks on our planet - we need to do it all over again.  It’s hard for some to agree with, and to swallow.

Finding a way through this has been difficult, not arguing your way through is even more of a task.  We are still fighting - organizations are taking on cases I am sure they never thought they would prosecute.  Suing an administration for the rights of immigrants, women and even children, fighting against the poison water they expect people to drink, and working to secure the correct amount of funding to repair the devastation of an island filled with American citizens.  It begins to feel like we are constantly fighting.

I hope we have the strength to continue.