#stone identity

sex is only work when it’s sex work. if you think topping is a chore, you shouldn’t be doing it. if a satisfying sexual encounter for you involves taking turns, or trading orgasms, or whatever, of course that’s completely fine and good! the problem arises when people assume that’s the default, natural, moral, correct or only way of having sex as a queer person. when people assume that it goes without saying. stone folks exist in defiance of that. and everyone benefits from shedding normative, restrictive ideas about sex. which, by the way, is a value-neutral 100% optional activity with infinite variations. we need to work on tearing down any moralizing about how it should be done, beyond risk-aware consent, which is really all that matters.

thinking a lot about how being stone is such an important part of my sexuality and how unaccepted being stone (as a top or a bottom) is in wider society. like having rigid boundaries for how you let others engage with your body and how you engage with others is seen as something wrong

i feel a lot of validation and affirmation when talking to other people who are stone, but there is so much negative rhetoric about it that sometimes it feels hard to push past

not everyone is gonna enjoy having sex with a pillow princess/stone bottom and i understand that (and i also don't want to have sex with someone like that), but it's less about people desiring me/people like me and more about people just... being kind about it yk?

so much of it is seen as selfish and there are a lot of negative connotations people have about pillow princesses and i see it being used as an insult a lot and it's very hard for me to feel comfortable in my sexuality with folks who aren't stone and to not feel like people are looking down at me

i have enjoyed sex with people who aren't stone before, but there is a lot of lingering doubt and insecurity about it for me

i feel proud of myself for knowing my boundaries and not putting myself in situations i don't want to be in. i'm very glad i've stopped comptopping for people anymore and focus more on compatibility over forcing myself in to being compatible for people. definitely an ongoing journey of acceptance though especially with outside responses to it

i definitely think it helps to have relationships that affirm your stone sexuality. it can be a really powerful and validating experience to find that safety and acceptance and desire for you and your sexuality

i think that's been a hard part of it for me personally because the external affirmation i get doesn't... necessarily outweigh the external derogatory shit i see? it's not a constant in my life and i think i'd be able to feel more confident in it if it was

it's hard because......... i don't want my self worth to be dependent on a relationship with another person. but i also do want to have that trust and affirmation in the form of other relationships with people. it's hard to figure out what that balance should be between letting yourself be loved and having a need to be loved/a need for affirming relationships vs your self worth being completely contingent on other people's relationships to you

i definitely think affirmation is very important for anyone, i just personally get worried about relying on it too much. but we're human. we should all rely on each other and community care is a big facet of my life, but i think i struggle more with the idea of dependency when it comes to romance and sexuality

because i find the central conflict for me is needing reassurance that my partner's enjoyment is real. y'know, that's why i go nuts for moans and whimpers and sighs and twitches and breeding kink omg. telling me if you got off to me later. i want to know for sure where the connection is between my desire and theirs.

but the idea that reciprocity means that your partner has to enjoy what you like in the way that you enjoy it is not really equitable. the love is in taking the time to discover what works for each other and how you can meet each other where you're at. if you get invested in certain acts as the only way you can exhibit proof of your affection, that's not about them, that's about you. and you need to be honest with yourself about basic issues of compatibility, because there's a good reason we use the word "stone" for these identities.

it takes tremendous stress, and heat, and pressure to melt real stone. and you need to be with someone you trust to ask when they really need something from you.

See, this may come as a surprise to you, but people don't owe you sexual act. They don't. You can find someone sexually compatible with you, but even then, you're still not entitled to a certain sexual act. If they bail midway, it is well within their rights to do that.

Yes, even that fem/me that doesn't wanna give in bed. No, she's not being evil or a bitch for not wanting to give. Don't make me go into a tangent how being feminine-presenting often subject us to perform sexual/romantic labor and when it's not fulfilled, we are seen as wicked. Doesn't that sound familiar??

Otherwise, what else would you have them do?? Force themselves to please you?? Do you not see how that looks like?? Do I need to tell you that coercion is not okay??

you cannot be /verse/ (both a top & a bottom) and stone. sure, you can be 'service when I top, just lay back when I bottom' but you cannot define that as 'stone.' saying such paints an inaccurate view of what both a stone top & a stone bottom is. stuff like that leads to ppl arguing with us over what stone means & insisting we could compromise. it leads to people painting stone bottoms as lazy & selfish while stone tops get painted as predatory & scared of intimacy.