#stine

Corey’s grammy is supposedly named Marsha. I say supposedly because Corey can’t remember meeting this woman before. (Does anybody remember the Grammys?) The old lady turns out to be pretty cool. She’s got popcorn, movies, and pinball. This place is basically Big Rock Candy Mountain until Corey sneezes. Granny begins surveilling the boy, insisting he’s ill. With how intensely she watches him, you’d think he was FOX News.

Q: What does Corey have in common with sugarfree Werther’s? A: Marsha keeps both of them in the house at all times!

The worse is yet to come for Corey. After locking him in, the lady begins experimenting on him. It’s uncomfortable from here until the end of the book. Granny wraps him in ten blankets so he can sweat out the sickness. Dehydrated, he drinks a pitcher of water and needs to pee. Granny refuses and demands he drink an entire pitcher of OJ instead. Later in the day, she lathers him up with stinky ointment. (“Rub it all in. That’s a good boy.” I won’t subject you to any more quotes from this segment, I promise.) The homemade lotion causes fur to sprout from his whole body and then his belly starts inflating. (“My big round gut was swelling again.” Sorry for breaking my promise.)

Weaker men might have given up there. But I swore an oath when I started this blog. I’m honorbound to protect and serve at all cost.

Corey’s sister shows up in a closet. I’ll do my best to explain how she got there. Corey’s parents sent Meg on a taxi to rescue her brother because Granny is bonkers. Meg went through a doggie-door, and somehow it led to the closet. They had to send Meg because Corey’s parents are busy doing ????.

Corey is prepared to crawl through the tunnel and run away. His sister stops him and demands he come up with a plan first. Corey pitches an excellent idea: to crawl through the tunnel and run away. This whole exchange is so redundant, I love it. Despite its excellence, the plan backfires when the tunnel leads the kids right back to Granny.

The siblings figure Marsha must be a witch. If they can throw water on her, maybe she’ll melt just like in that movie they both saw. Splashing her with the water pitcher from earlier, Chekhov’s Water Pitcher, the kids melt their grandma. The whole house begins to melt, in fact. Things will get stranger, in fact.

Corey wakes up from a fever dream. His parents can’t figure out why he won’t stop babbling about someone named Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. If you thought that twist was jawdropping, try not to spit out your bubblegum with this next one. Corey wakes up again. He is actually the family dog. I swear I’m not making this up. The family wonders aloud about how dogs dream, but Corey is busy musing about catching a neighborhood cat.

“Maybe today… I’ll catch her!”

Why is this line in quotes? Who is speaking? The dog?

THE VERDICT

This is either the worst Ghosts of Fear Street book I’ve read or maybe it’s a deliberate satire of Stine. I’m inclined to believe the former, though.

How many headaches Must I stand Before I find a book That I can praise again? The only thing That keeps me readin’ on When I feel my strength Is almost gone I remember granny said “Can’t hurry books You’ll just have to wait Trust in Robert Stine It’s a game of give and take”

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