#stillsober

*This weekend was lovely and full of great moments.  Volunteering was fun, physical, and required a minimum of mental focus.  Gardening was the same. 

*I’ve had three difficult conversations in the past two days and still managed to feel okay and not like I am gonna lose it despite being realllll conflict averse

*My new habit/routine/ritual/coping strategy/hobby/whatever of going for a run by the river trail, then walking back with no music and just being present, continues to be the best.  I also pick flowers as I walk back so my room always has a bouquet now.  Then I listen to my favorite radio station and go to sleep early.  It is SO RELAXING.  I did that today and am currently tucked up in bed listening to said radio station and my goal is to stop tumblr/pinteresting at 9:45 and just crash.  I love it.  I read somewhere that in giving up alcohol, you give yourself back your sleep, and I have found that to be insanely true.  The quality of my sleep has been so, so much better since I began being sober.  Like most things, I didn’t know how bad I missed good sleep, til I got it back.

*I had to cancel private tutoring classes with a man who continuously confuses my friendliness/general cheer with being in love with him.  Despite reminding him that I am his teacher and nothing more.  It makes me incredibly uncomfortable how he comments on my physicality/asks me inappropriate questions, so I sent him a clear unequivocal message communicating how I felt and why this needed to end.  Then I realized that I had spent twenty minutes figuring out how to, essentially, break up with a man I’ve never expressed interest in or gone on a date with.  It’s incredible to me the amount of emotional labor it takes to exist as a woman interacting with men even in a non-romantic way sometimes.  Truly exhausting.  This is why I am avoiding dating despite the one very attractive nurse with kind eyes and the ability to fix lighting fixtures/install Ikea shelves, who is generally around and has let it be known is available. 

*Typing the sentence above, about a nurse who can also fix things around the house, made me think of said dude and now I have a full blush spreading across my face. Hoooooooo boy.  The mixture of being able to fix people AND fix furniture is just...very appealing to me.  

*That all being said, he’s probably a secret Republican, like the last THREE men I have tried to date.  And will probably reveal his conservative “values” after three dates by saying “I’m not a racist, but...” and it’ll all be downhill from there.

*THREE.  Three times that’s happened now

This week was really intense for a lot of reasons, and despite having slept for 12 hours last night I woke up tired and cranky and full of the bad kind of regret feelings that usually I associate with drinking, only now I am associating them with other things, like being honest and vulnerable, so I’m gonna write it all out.  Heads up that this will be long, boring, and you probably don’t want or need to read all of this since it’s just a bunch of rambling and my attempt to get my thoughts straight so I can have a more balanced day.

I knew this week was coming up and I knew it would be a long one.  On Thursday, I was scheduled to be a guest speaker at a fundraising banquet for a program that gets scholarships for low income students so they can leave our public school system (which in my area, is basically a systematic way to keep poor kids poor) and into private schools where they have a great chance of success.  I was chosen to speak because I used to work for the public schools here, and while I believe wholeheartedly in public schooling, it only works if the wealthy actually pay their goddamn taxes instead of opting out of it.  Our schools in the public sector here are so bad that I had 8th grade students who could not read.  I mean really could not read at all.   I could write a lot about that but I won’t.  

I’ve been practicing my speech but the thing is that it’s a topic I’m really passionate about and it makes me emotional.  As I’ve written about on here before, I began really drinking when I began teaching, so in the past, the way I dealt with the emotions this brought up was to have a beer (read: 5 beers).  Talking about my experience in the public school system over and over, to myself, and then preparing to do it in front of a hundred people, was A Whole Lot.  And then on Thursday when it was time to do it, I almost cried at the end when I was sharing about the progress one of my kiddos has made in my current (private) school.  It was a good speech and was received well, and I don’t feel bad about getting that “oohhhh she’s close to tears” voice in front of people because let’s be honest people CRY SOMETIMES, but my boss made a weird comment about it at work the next day and now I am paranoid that I sounded like an ass who couldn’t get it together.  Her comment singlehandedly took what felt like a victory and turned it into something I am a little embarrassed by.  I am aware that I am the one letting her comment have that much weight but I can’t seem to un-feel it. I can think through it and realize it doesn’t matter and her opinion doesn’t matter but I can’t un-feel how unhappy it made me to hear that, if that makes sense.

The theme of “being vulnerable in front of others” from that night was just a huge carry-over from Wednesday, when I shared some really upsetting and frank truths about my journey in group.  It was hard but needed.  I don’t regret it, and everyone else was sharing, and honestly it felt like a huge weight off my shoulders to be that honest with people about where I’m at, but like.  Telling people you’re an addict is hard.  And you can’t take it back.  They will never un-know it now.  They will know that about me forever.  I feel good about having said what I said and simultaneously I feel like Toby from the Office during that scene when he accidentally touches Pam’s leg, realizes he’s exposed himself in a humiliating way, and announces that he’s moving to Costa Rica.  Then runs and jumps the fence of the office park and runs away into the night.  I want to jump the fence and run into the night and move to Costa Rica.  That’s how being vulnerable with others makes me feel.

So Wednesday, vulnerable at group, Thursday, vulnerable in a speech in front of a hundred people (many of whom are my coworkers, friends, and superiors at work), and yesterday was my birthday.  I planned a birthday that I wanted rather than the one I thought I should have-- i.e, I didn’t invite some people from my friend group who upset me or who I feel do not respect my boundaries.  I also invited people from a bunch of different areas of my life, which, while not a big deal in itself, felt a little like taking the compartments out of my social scene because many of them have not met each other before.  I was feeling good about it until my one friend asked when J was coming and if I’d had a text from him asking about where we were.  I replied that J hadn’t texted me.  He kept asking questions til I said, “well, I didn’t invite him.  It’s nothing personal, we just aren’t that close.”  My friend looked really taken aback because this guy is a close part of our mutual friend group.  What he doesn’t know is that J is a creep who continues to infringe on my boundaries by asking me personal and inappropriate questions, sharing things with me that I do not wish to know, and not taking “no” for an answer when he asks me on a date (I wrote a REALLY long post about this situation a while ago.  It continues to be sucky and terrible.) Our other friend, who is basically the most smiley human being on this planet, began frowning at me, so I clarified by saying that when you have a lot of friends, the downside is that you have to choose who to invite to your birthday party out of a big group and so I only invited people I felt closest to. 

I want to just tell my friends that this guy is a creep but they are men, and no offense to them, but I already know that they are the kind of dudes who are not going to understand why having to repeat “no” to a guy over and over can be triggering.  And I don’t owe them an explanation for that or for any reason why a man may be unsettling to me.  I am not Gandalf, I do not need to be their wise guide through the lands of “This is What Misogyny Is And How It Complicates Women’s Lives” Middle Earth.

Anyway they gave me some weird looks and now I am nervous because they told me they told this dude about the party.  So I’m waiting for him to confront me on that. Yay.

Then I was dancing with my friend and she spun me around and I accidentally lost my footing and fell fully backwards onto the guy behind me.  It hurt my back.  Everyone saw.  It was embarrassing. Dancing has been a way for me to practice being more in my body and vulnerable, a thing I chose to do as I started this sobriety thing, both to take up time and connect with others. Falling over while dancing, in front of literally all my closest friends, felt like a metaphor for this entire week.  Because it turns out that being vulnerable sometimes feels awesome and works out great, and sometimes ends up with you looking like an idiot in front of people who matter to you, and the hard thing about being vulnerable is that you have to accept both outcomes.  You have to be ready to fall on your ass, in public, on your birthday.  You can’t just have the sunshine-y smiley fun times, and have those mean anything, without risking looking like a fool.

I used to cover up the times I felt like a fool by drinking.  Or, I would drink to feel connected to others and not lonely and disengaged enough that I didn’t feel the need to share who I was, and avoid ever feeling foolish at all.  Now it’s Saturday, I slept for 12 hours, I am fed and hydrated and ready for the day, and my brain is just running in cirlces inside my head shouting “YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT! EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE AN IDIOT!  GOOD LUCK FACING PEOPLE NEXT WEEK!  JUMP THE FENCE AND MOVE TO COSTA RICA! ABORT SOBRIETY, ABORT FRIENDSHIPS, DON’T GO DANCE CLASS TOMORROW, STAY QUIET ABOUT THAT RUDE GUY AND APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE TIL THEY REALLY CAN’T STAND YOU! WOOOOOO!”

But. but.  I am gonna quiet my brain down.  I am gonna cook stir fry and listen to a Beatles album.  I am gonna post this long-ass post, and truly may God bless you if you’ve read this far because for heaven’s sake I can’t imagine how bored you are, and let all the feelings go.  I am gonna call my sister and go for a long walk. I  am gonna continue to see my friends and not apologize for anything I’ve done this week because you know what?  I DO NOT NEED TO BE SORRY FOR BEING A HUMAN BEING.  I don’t need to be sorry for sharing my story of teaching, and having an emotional reaction to what is a huge horrifying injustice that keeps poor people of color from having the same chances in life as white suburban kids.  I don’t need to apologize for sharing my story in a group that is specifically about sharing our stories.  I don’t need to apologize for keeping space between me and people who refuse to respect boundaries.  I don’t need to apologize for falling down while dancing (except to the dude I landed on, lol.) I don’t need to live life being sorry for being me.  I may FEEL sorry and like I owe people a debt for being in their life or taking up their time or whatever, but I know that that feeling isn’t based on truth. and a part of getting that truth to feel real is, letting myself be human, sober, and move on.

if you have ever accidentally found a flea on your pet while idly stroking them, and then chased said flea down on your pets body with the determination of a ruthless vigilante bounty hunter bent on personal revenge, like “don’t worry baby I will find and murder the insect trying to hurt you,” and upon finding it squashed said flea with an inappropriate glee,

if you have ever had THAT specific feeling,

then you know how it feels when after weeks of sobriety, a vague but real desire to drink sneaks up on you and tells you it would be okay to drink, and it’s like you don’t even notice it happening at first, but THEN YOU REALIZE WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND, and you not only fully reject said notion but do the hard work of thinking through what triggered you to want to drink this time and deal with it.

Same feeling.  Track that parasite back to its source and DEAL WITH IT

Tomorrow is a snow day!!! They already called it.  I am incredibly excited to have a day off from work to catch up on work (#teacherlife) but honestly, there isn’t that much that is important for me to get done.  We just got off a three day weekend for President’s Day, where I celebrated my Twice and Forevermore President, Barack Obama <3, and a lot of the extra day off I just did school related work so now I have an unexpected day off and nothing really to do.

Time off by myself is bad news to my sobriety.  I can handle it if I stay busy.  If I have lots of things I need to do, it is easier, because I can and will prioritize what’s important over sitting around until I fall into bad choices/old patterns.  I wish I had a huge pile of grading, or an IEP, or some project to work on, for tomorrow.  

This is ironic that the real onset of my binge-drinking pattern was when I had an absolutely awful job my first two years of teaching. I was regularly getting beat up/concussions/threatened by students to have their gang-member family member rape me, etc.  I went to a lot of therapy and upped my medication but in the end I just began drinking two beers at a time by myself in my room, which at the time was enough to get me buzzed and feeling better. (inset Ron Burgundy “THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY.  I MEAN, THAT REALLY GOT OUT OF HAND FAST” gif here lol)

I fully believe I was always going to become an alcoholic, teacher or no.  But it’s ironic that what began my binge drinking was my job, and now, years later, I use my job to help me defeat my binge drinking.

Having that shitty work situation was a relief in some ways, because it felt so much more manageable and understandable a thing to be upset about, than my entire life prior to that.  I couldn’t explain why everything was so hard before that, BUT, I COULD explain what my job was, and then everyone was like “well damn of course you’re upset.”  Even though that was only part of it. If that makes sense.

I haven’t had any real strong desire to drink again, until today.  A mix of PMS and the prospective snow day has me really wishing I could get some beer for tomorrow.  The last time I relapsed it was these same conditions.  I have a really hard time when I am hormonal and it makes my depression and anxiety and sobriety this unholy trinity of suck that ruins everything.  It is a monthly battle.  I won’t lose though. To quote Bianca Del Rio, “NOT TODAY SATAN”

Plans for tomorrow:

--wake up, coffee, quiet time, loooong gentle yoga video

--journal, write on here

--finish remaining school work while watching the Office

--lunch

--study more on altering clothes, begin attempting to add darts to the vintage dress I found at the thrift store and hem the 30′s style high waisted pants

-- call someone

--read more of the biography of Madeleine L’Engle

--write the beginning of my new speculative fiction story

--don’t drink

--don’t drink

My meditation app reminded me yesterday, “Is it a problem, if you don’t think it’s a problem?”  And that really got me

Obviously yes there are things that don’t apply, like for instance alcoholism.  That is and was a problem, even before I could admit it.  Mental illness is a problem even if I pretend it’s not. etc.

But on the whole, a lot of my day is created by my perspective.  Am I having a perspective that takes in information and judges it dispassionately/accurately, or am I reading the entire world through a negative filter, tainting it with the expectation that everything is either already wrong or about to go wrong right quick??

At the end of the day, 90% of what happens is how I choose to interpret it, and today I really want to be mindful/intentional about looking at the world through a lens of grace and good humor.  I want to believe that the people around me are doing their best given what they have.  I want to believe that I am doing enough.  I want to believe that when things go off plan, well, obviously it will all turn out okay, because so far it always has (or rather, I have been able to be okay even when the things that happened really weren’t.)

Taking this perspective with me today to see how it influences me.  I’ll write about it later.