This year she survived, next year she will live.
I’m lonely tonight but not lonely enough to get up and do something about it. I’m home alone, the house is quiet and dark with a single candle flickering. It’s been this way since noon. Christmas has been good, the light from everyone was good, I am happy and I am grateful, but I’m sad. I’m always sad. Earlier today I popped a Xanax and took a nap, my head was at war. I needed peace. I woke up lightly spinning to the “ding” of my phone, rolled over to see, knowing it inevitably wouldn’t be who I wanted but maybe it partially was; it read “MERRY CHRISTMAS. I care about you too. But I don’t know I’ll talk to you about it in person.” I didn’t respond, nor will I.
Your eyes, they’re like honey. Your lips, I’ve never seen a mouth that I would kill to kiss, but I went into this knowing it would go no further. Hell, I’m surprised you’re still somehow lingering after 4 months. I don’t want to love you. You’ll hurt me. You’re hurting me. And you know. You portrayed someone a little different in the beginning, but your childish self shines through now. But you took something out of me, you took the thing that kept me going backwards, and I started to learn to move forward differently than ever before. You found that in me and I’m eternally grateful but I have to let you go, too. You have a life to live, to learn. I hope you find your way and I hope you do well.
It’s been a hell of a year and mentally it has taken the most from me.
Most of my best intentions have failed me.
There’s so many bad endings in this chapter that I’d give ANYTHING to rewrite; the flaw of ending it all on good terms. I’m letting go, though, with no hate in my heart. If anything, where my name was ran into the ground I chose not to do the same. So maybe I grew.
I’m sorry to the ones I hurt, because I’ve hurt.
Growth, self-respect, and self love are what’s coming.