#steggyweek20

He winced at the pile of washing Peggy showed him, bundling it up in a spare bedsheet he found in the closet and promising to have it back by dinner tomorrow. He sneered when he passed the closet, informing her that under no circumstances would he be dropping off the laundry without taking the rest of their clothes with him to get those cleaned tomorrow, as well.

Peggy sighed and slumped against the door when Mr. Jarvis finally left, still listing out loud the things he intended to collect for them and bring them in the morning as he made his way down the hall. She clicked both locks over tight and ran her hand over the door.

Normal. For once, it felt almost normal.

She turned, moving through the room. Normal also meant she was thinking clearly, seeing things as they were and as they could be when it came to points of weakness. Every window made her cringe as she slid the locks home and drew the curtains tight. The very things that had let in the light and air she so craved just a few hours ago now seemed like horrible points of weakness.

She found Steve in the dark bedroom, the stool from the dressing table pulled over by the bassinet and the window. She watched him from the doorframe as he alternately watched Mandy sleep and set his sights outside.

His eyes were trained on the street outside, the lamps dim in the darkness when his voice surprised her, low and deep, “I never thought I’d see the US again. Not really. Not once I started actually fighting, you know?”

His soft confession made tears come to Peggy’s eyes. She’d had nights where she felt the same way. Instead of speaking, she moved over to stand behind him, setting her hands on his shoulders and meeting his eyes in their dim reflection.

“I thought, ‘what right do I have to do anything but fight my hardest,’ you know? I could do more than most of those guys, I could be more…” He sighed, dropping his head and letting his hand come to rest on hers. “I didn’t… I didn’t have anything back here. Not really. Some of those guys- they had families to come home to.”

“Oh, Steve.” Peggy turned her hand in his, holding tight as she let her other hand gently thread through his hair. The simple contact they’d stopped themselves from having felt good… soothing… like a touchstone to reality.

“But now,” he turned his head, pulling her hand to his lips and kissing her knuckles fiercely, “now I’m one of those guys that has a family.” He pulled her hand under his chin, holding it close to him. “I’d do anything for you two, Peg.” He met her eyes in the window. “Anything.”

Peggy leaned down, wrapping her arms around him and pressing her lips to his cheek. “I believe you’ve already shown that, many times over, these past few weeks.” Long, slow breaths went by as they gazed into the night. “I forgot what it was like, I think. Peace.”

“To be dry…With carpet underfoot...” He smiled a little, digging his stocking foot into the carpet below him. “We’ll get used to it again, I think.”

Peggy stood slowly, the awkward lean too much for her fatigued body to handle. She sighed, the maudlin yet beautiful moments passed. “I do quite love these windows, but there are so many and they’re vulnerable.”

“Bulletproof,” Steve supplied quickly. “I think you were changing Mandy when Phillips told me. Windows are all bulletproof with reinforced sills so they can’t be pried out. Front door has a metal core. Dial 55 on the phone and we get a direct line to the guys downstairs.”

“Speaking of,” she swung around, smiling and sitting I his lap, a new desire welling up into her as she realized they were far safer than she initially thought, “are they directly below us?”

Steve cleared his throat as she began to run her hands over his chest and wiggle her hips in his lap. “Why, um, no.” He coughed, trying to shake the high pitch his voice had taken on without his permission. “No,” he continued in his own tone, letting his hand roam up her thigh. “I think they’re one apartment over, the mailroom is below us.”

“Ahh,” Peggy sighed, pulling at the top button of his shirt. “That’s very important information.” She popped the button open and moved on to the next one. “We’re generally safe.” She popped the second and moved on to the third, “Mandy’s asleep,” another button opened, “And we’re all alone with what looks to be a very comfortable bed. I do believe I told you there were some things I’d like to do to you when we had a bed.”

Steve smiled, nuzzling his nose along her cheek. “What did you have in mind, Mrs. Rogers?”

Peggy gently caught the lobe of his ear between her teeth, dragging down the flesh before she whispered in his ear, “Call me that again.”

His hand slid under her dress, fingers playing with her garter. “Mrs. Rogers.”

“I quite—”

She was interrupted by the soft mewling of the baby next to them. Quiet, but loud enough to draw both their attention, it made both of their heads snap to the side, their dalliance on pause as they waited to see if she’d quiet down or demanded their care. Her cries became more formed, more insistent, and they both stood, flanking her on either side of the bassinet.

Steve reached in first, letting his hand rest on the girl’s belly, gently rubbing. “What’s the matter, baby girl?”

At his words she opened her eyes, her cries forgotten at his voice.

“Daddy’s girl, I think,” Peggy whispered, hands on the edge as she watched the girl gaze up at Steve.

“Nah, she’s just looking for something familiar.” He sighed, letting her take his finger in her tiny hand. “She’s been through so much, Peg.”

“She won’t remember any of it, at least not in any meaningful way.” Mandy’s head swiveled as Peggy spoke, the girl smiling when she found her face. “Ah, yes, here I am, my little love.”

“See? She likes her Mama, too.” Steve smiled at her as well, and Peggy felt like her heart might burst. Emotion welled within her and suddenly she was standing there, hand pressed to her mouth, trying not to sob. “Oh, not you, too,” Steve joked lightly as he rounded the bassinet and took her in his arms. “I don’t think I can handle both of you crying at the same time.”

In his embrace, Peggy let her tears fall, even though she laughed, the mixed emotions raging within her. “You know very well you can handle the both of us.”

Steve’s hand played with her hair, moving it away from her face. “Maybe, maybe…” He sighed, turning them both back to Mandy who was watching them silently. “I have a feeling I’ll be trying to do that for a long time to come.” Peggy chuckled, wiping the tears from her eyes. Steve kissed her forehead gently. “Go get ready for bed. It’s been a long day.”

“Just when I think I’ve got a handle on it,” she pushed away from him, taking his hands in hers, “I well up. I don’t think I’ve cried this much the whole war.”

Steve squeezed her hands. “I think… I think it’s her. It’s us.” He took a deep breath. “Fighting Hydra, fighting the Nazis, that was never all that personal.” His eyes clouded over as he drifted far away, to the battle fields they used to call home. “It was ideals and freedom and all these vague reasons we had to do our duty as a group and as an army to make the world a better place. Such a big, lofty goal that only felt real in the loss, in the devastation after a fight. But this?” He let his forehead fall to hers, breathing in deeply. “This is us. You and me and her. This is our future, our life. Our family, Peg. I can see it. It’s small and it’s perfect and it’s well within our grasp. The threat is immediate. The threat instantly changes our whole lives. We’re not fighting an ideology, we’re fighting men who want to take our family, our happiness.” He nuzzled his nose against her cheek, eyes closed. “I’ll never let it happen.”

Peggy took a deep breath and clicked her tongue behind her teeth, fighting another onslaught of tears. “Well, when you put it like that I’m surprised I’m not more of a mess.” His breath of a laugh made her heart lighter. “I hadn’t thought of it like that, not really.”

“I started thinking about a future again.” He whispered. “Even when I was entertaining ideas of what you and I might be, I never thought long term, not really. It was always just a fuzzy someday… But then she came along and we had that little room on the ship and all of a sudden it was like in the Wizard of Oz when it goes from Black and White to Color. I saw it all. I saw it all so sharply and clearly and I knew I wanted it. I knew I wanted it and I could have it.”

“We can both have it. We do have it.” Peggy pressed her cheek tightly to his.

“We’re close. We’re so close, Peg.” Mandy’s cries started soft, and Steve pulled himself from Peggy to lift the girl before they got any worse. “Go, get a shower, put on that nightgown I know you’ve been thinking about for weeks,” he winked at her as he bounced Mandy, “I think I can handle tonight’s bottle on my own.”

~*~

It had been a fight to get both girls to sleep. Mandy had been wary of the new crib and only slept well once he put her in the old Moses bassinet inside the new standing crib. Peggy had been anxious, her emotions welling at the surface, unwilling to surrender to sleep until he’d dragged her and her satin nightgown into the far-too-soft bed and held her in place with his arm around her waist.

Eventually Peggy had fallen asleep, and she’d managed to stay asleep as he slipped from the bed and stationed himself back at the window, halfway between the bed and bassinet.

He was always bad at taking his own advice.  

Peggy wasn’t the only one who was uneasy. He knew they were on thin ice. He was afraid of falling too deeply into the illusion, of letting his guard down when there were still people out there who wanted Amanda for their own, who wanted to take away the only future he’d ever gotten excited about for himself.

He hadn’t been lying when he was talking to Peggy earlier, but it went far deeper than just the war. Steve had never planned much of a life for himself, hadn’t seen the need, not when doctors were always whispering to his mother to keep him calm, to stop him from overexerting himself, to keep him alive for another few months. One doctor finally said it to his face when he was a teenager: he’d be lucky to live into his 20’s, his 30’s would be amazing, and his 40’s would be a miracle with all the ailments he had.

His plans for the future were always fuzzy. Finding a nice girl and settling down was well and good, but he hadn’t seen the point in leaving a young window mourning him when he knew he didn’t have long. The war had given him a purpose, it had been one of the reasons he’d tried so hard: if he wasn’t going to live long, he at least needed to have meaning in his life.

Project Rebirth, and Peggy, had made him start to think that maybe, just maybe, that life he always thought wasn’t meant for him was more of a possibility than he thought. But even then, he didn’t let himself get caught up in the thought, just focused on duty and orders and kept moving forward.

Then he saw Peggy with that baby in her arms and the whole Hydra base melted away. He’s still surprised he managed to get them back to base with the way his mind raced, with the way he couldn’t seem to focus on anything but what that sight made him feel. And then, once they’d had some sense of calm, once they were playing house in that little room on the ship and he could feel, feel what that life would be like…

He couldn’t imagine anything else.

He needed it like he needed air.

He needed Amanda and Peggy and a little house where the war was far behind them.

For once, he started to think about what it would be like to grow old.

For once, he wanted to.

He looked at Peggy, curled in on herself, wrapped in soft blankets with a proper pillow and the satin falling around her. Her hand was curled by her chin and he frowned, looking at the chipped nail polish.

She’d always worked so hard to keep up appearances, be it how she looked or how she behaved to fit in a world that didn’t want her because she was a woman.

He loved that she was a woman.

He loved that she took pride in her hair and her nails and that when she ran out of stockings on the front lines in Germany, she took the time to draw a seam up the back of her legs with kohl until she could get more.

He loved that under that softness, that beauty, there was a woman that would rip her stockings and break a nail and ruin her hair if it meant winning a fight, if it meant doing what was right. He loved that she slogged five miles through a Polish forest with only one boot and never complained once. He loved that she stood up for herself. That she was strong.

Somehow, he loved that she didn’t need him.

That she wanted him anyway, that she’d wanted him before the serum, that she wanted him despite his abilities and not because of them, made it more special.

They’d come so far, but they still had so far to go before they could truly relax, before they could let their guard down and start to build the life he’d found himself fantasizing about more and more recently.

Peggy moaned in her sleep, hands fisting tightly. Steve shifted, pulling the bench next to the bed as he reached out for her hand. “Peg, Peg… you’re okay.”

She threaded her fingers in his, calming instantly. “Steve…” she whispered, still asleep.

He looked at their linked hands, holding tight. He examined each finger, looking at the picked cuticles and the remains of nail polish that hung on tight.

It seemed silly at first, the impetus to make sure she never had to have her hands look like this again, but he let his gut guide him. First the nail polish, then the ring, then the life to go with it.

The nails were just a symbol, like his shield.

For the first time he felt a pang of sadness when thinking about his shield. It had kept him safe for so long, had saved others. His hand felt empty in a fire fight without it. He felt a sharp sorrow for the life he was leaving behind. It had given him meaning and purpose when he’d felt lost.

The sorrow was fleeting, and didn’t hurt when it disappeared like he thought it might. The shield belonged to a man who was a symbol, a man who was the property of other men. A man he’d become because that was who was needed at the time.

He was his own man now with a family and a life ahead of him. He got to decide who he wanted to be and how he wanted to live.

He didn’t need a shield for that, he just needed his girls.

~*~

The sun had been up for hours by the time Peggy woke up. She shuffled into the kitchen, trying to tuck her hair behind her ears in something that resembled presentable. She wrapped a robe around herself as Steve pulled out a mug. “What time is it?”

He set the mug down and handed Mandy to Peggy as he pulled out a pan to heat water for her tea. “About 11. I didn’t want to wake you.”

Peggy snuggled Mandy, who was in a clingy mood, wrapping herself around Peggy and tucking under her chin. “I don’t think you could have if you wanted to. I can’t remember the last time I slept that deeply.” Peggy started walking in circles around the room, bouncing Mandy. “Your side of the bed was startlingly undisturbed.”

“I couldn’t sleep,” he dismissed, lighting the stove and setting the water to boil. He turned to the pad he was keeping by the oven and added “kettle” to the list of things for Jarvis to bring them.

“Couldn’t or wouldn’t?” Peggy asked knowingly. She looked at him, disapproval in her eyes, and he silently challenged her. She knew she didn’t have an argument that she could win, as she would have stayed up if her body would have allowed her. “We have tea?”

“Jarvis stopped by earlier, dropped off a lot of food, said he’d be back later with the laundry. He said it’s not a proper English tea, but it’s better than what’s in the rations on the front.” Steve turned, pulling a small bottle out of the cabinet. “I asked him to get you this, too. I don’t think it’s quite the right color, but…”

Peggy stepped closer to see the small bottle of nail varnish in his hand. She smiled up at him, then her face fell a bit, unable to stop herself from feeling upset that Steve, of all people, focused on such a thing. “You noticed the manicure’s a bit worn.”

He frowned at her less than expected reception. “I noticed that you don’t like anyone to see you without a fresh manicure, and that the last time I saw you with even a chip in your color before all this was when we were in Poland and it took us five days to get back to base on foot.” Steve let his hand lift her chin. “I don’t care if you do them or not, but I thought you’d like it.”

Peggy smiled, glad to have her judgement proven wrong. “I do like it, thank you.”

Steve kissed her nose and turned away, lifting the water off the stove to cool before he poured it over the tea. “It’s not the only present I have for you.”

“Present?” Peggy wandered behind him, watching as he poured the water and made her tea. “Why would I garner presents?”

Steve looked back at her, surprised and wide eyed. His mouth moved for a second, then he finally spoke. “It… it is your birthday, isn’t it? Or did I…”

“It’s tomorrow.” Peggy pecked him on the cheek. “The ninth.”

“The ninth is today,” Steve turned, handing her the mug with a smile.

“No, the…” Peggy took it gratefully, letting Steve take Mandy back so she could sip it without fear of the little one reaching for the hot beverage. She looked back up at him. “Did I lose track of days that badly?”

Steve let his hand rub her shoulder as she sat at the small table in the kitchen, sipping her tea. “You’re not that far off. If Phillips hadn’t mentioned the date yesterday while we were talking, I wouldn’t have known, either.”

“Damn. Well then, happy birthday to me.” Peggy watched Steve move around the small kitchen with ease, the baby cuddled tight in his shoulder, the tea warming her from the inside out. “Is she okay? She seems…”

Steve nodded, setting the pan in the sink. “She’s clingy. Has been all morning. I think it’s just that every time she switches environments something bad happens.” Steve reached into his pants pocket and pulled out her knit bear. Mandy took it, but held it tight in her hands, fingers grabbing at the fabric.

Peggy set her tea on the table and joined Steve, running her hands over her downy head. The girl leaned into the touch, eyes drooping. Peggy held her cheek and lifted her other hand to caress Steve’s face. “You two should go have a lie in. You look about as tired as she does.” He opened his mouth to protest, but she stopped him with a finger across the lips. “You don’t have to sleep, just rest. And you know she’ll sleep better if you’re there.”

Steve turned his head, kissing Peggy’s palm, nodding. “I won’t be far if you need me.”

She smiled at him, a twinkle in her eye. “How I’ll manage toast and eggs on my own I’ll never know.”

“Your mom thinks she’s funny,” he whispered to Mandy, turning to leave the room.

“Her mum is funny,” Peggy called, shaking her head as she watched them disappear towards the bedroom. She barely had enough time to pull out the bread and butter and eggs for her toast before Steve was back, hands hidden behind his back. “What? Don’t believe I won’t burn the kitchen down?”

Steve tipped his head to the side, trying not to smile, “Well…”

Peggy pressed her lips in a line, shaking her head, eyes on slicing her bread. “You really should go rest.”

“I will, in a second. I just… I didn’t want to do this with either of us having a baby in our hands.” His words made her put down the knife and turn to him. He slipped his hands around, holding out a little box. “I asked Jarvis to go get it yesterday.  Bucky’s Ma was holding on to it for me for safe keeping. I don’t know if it’ll fit, but once we’re done with all of this, I can get you one of your own.”

Peggy bit her lip as she took the box, her heart pounding in a way it shouldn’t have been for a woman who was already married to the man in front of her. She lifted the lid and gently pulled it out: a silver ring that had filagree all over the small band, wrapping protectively around a tiny, brilliant diamond in the middle. “Steve…”

“I know it’s not what you deserve…”

“It’s perfect,” she whispered, holding it out to him. “Put it on me?”

Steve looked at it, then at Peggy’s hand, held out, eyes shining. His voice dropped low, emotional, “You deserve something big, something that shines like you do.”

She let her hand rest on his until he looked at her. “It’s perfect, Steve. I don’t want anything else.”

His eyes narrowed, skeptical. “You’re sure?”

“Put it on me, Steve.” He fumbled for a moment before sliding it gently on her finger. It was a little loose, but sat demurely on her hand.  Peggy leaned forward, kissing him. Gently at first, then with more fervor. Her hands were just starting to roam with intention when the cry came from the other room.

Peggy sighed, hugging Steve close. “I suppose I’ll be fighting with her for your attention for years to come.” Steve rocked them for a moment, she could feel him thinking.  She tried to push away “I was joking, Steve. Go get her.”

His smile was unsure, but Peggy pushed him away playfully. “Get some rest, darling.”

After he left, Peggy lifted her hand to look at the ring. It was a little big, and she’d have to be careful until she could take it to a jeweler to get sized, but it really was perfect. She wouldn’t want anything bigger, didn’t need it.

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