Top Posts Tagged with #starlit network

( ɪˈfemərəl ) ㅤ𓈒 ㅤ𓈒 you and the popular twitch streamer, 𝙃𝘼𝙀𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙉, had dated for years, breaking up because of a misunderstanding. and now you're haunted by the ghost of your failed-relationship, doubting whether you should reach out again. however, it all comes crashing down because of one sweatshirt and a tweet. 이동혁 &𝔣em! 𝔯ea.❛angst, half-smau, eventual fluff, streamer!au

or alternatively┊life gives you a second chance with the man who understood, and never sought to change you.

𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬───language, emetophobia, panic disorder, severe depression & anxiety disorder, mentions of food & not eating, argument, self-loathing, drinking / alcohol usage, perental truama / mentions of being an orphan, skinship, crude humor ⟡ est. wc : 16000THOU+ CLiCK4MORE (part two coming soon)

001: Whoever You Became and Whoever You Thought You Should've Been

You've always been sure of yourself. That was never an issue. You always knew what you wanted and how to achieve the goal effectively. Yet, now you can’t even decide what to eat for breakfast—so you go without food most days.

The little girl you were would be disappointed in the mess she was looking up to. She’d be disappointed to have watched the walls of her castle crumble. She’d be disappointed to know that fairy tales were just stories made up by lonesome adults. You feared, she’d just be disappointed in you. You weren’t the person you thought you’d be by now. Well, actually, you thought you weren’t much of anything anymore. In reality, you’d lost all sense of whoever you became and whoever you thought you should’ve been.

Yes, you knew that you’d been walking a fragile line; within everything. Your social life was crumbling, your career on the verge. The thought of romance was non-existent. You genuinely felt like you couldn’t breathe right anymore. Nothing was satisfactory. You never thought you’d watch things fall apart but, here you were watching it replay again and again every night. You couldn’t unsee or un-feel it no matter how hard you tried.

You knew the risk taken but, sliding down a steep hill wasn’t in the 5-year plan. You, of course, couldn’t even regret what happened. You couldn’t regret giving it a try because, isn’t that what life is about? New experiences?

Yet, you still do. You still crave what you had and lost.

You were so confident but it seemed like everything changed just as quickly as it started.

“Y/n! C’mon, dance with me!” A voice called out as a sashaying—painting worthy—woman made her way through a small crowd. She had smooth black hair and complimenting sharp features. “Please!” She begged, gripping your hand within hers and pulling you into the pile of people she’d just weaved between.

Unfortunately, the beat-heavy music, that has been doing a decent job and drowning out your thoughts, had subsided into a slow-dance. Still, that didn’t stop her and she wrapped her arms around your neck, pulling yours up to mirror hers.

We swayed to the music as she started speaking, “He’s not even here but, he’s still on your mind.” She didn’t roll her eyes visibly, however, audibly, it got the message across. “He’s not even worth your time anymore, babe! Who the fuck even is he? No one, exactly! Stop with the sad girl shit,” She pouted, “it’s supposed to be our hot girl summer.”

“But I wanted taken-girl summer.”

“No such thing!” She replied mockingly, “You’re too good for him anyways, I mean, look at you! You could have anyone you want crawling at your feet, yet, you still want him—a fucking twitch streamer? Oh my god,”

Your eyebrows furrowed, more in sadness than confusion. The funny thing is, Alexa liked your relationship with Donghyuck. She was your number one supporter but, overnight, she became his number one hater. And, it’s not like you could blame her, it’s exactly the best friend thing to do.

She was right though. Right now, you both were supposed to be celebrating her brother’s birthday but, here you were sulking over someone who wasn’t even close. Truthfully, you were sulking over him every and anywhere you went. It was pathetic, you knew that. It’s been months since you broke up. However, in hindsight, a few days wasn’t even allowed to compare to the two years you’d spent together. You wished that the hypothetical bad days outweighed the good ones but, they don’t compare.

Donghyuck was always good to you.

You weren’t always a vulnerable person, having to grow thick skin to survive. However, all it took was one funny boy to fuck up your life. He held part of your heart (still) and part of you would still give the rest back. Part of you would let him walk back into your life just as quickly as he left.

You wanted to say that you and him were never getting back together but, that’s a door you feared would never fully close—no matter how long you stayed apart.

“He’s not just a streamer, Lexa. You’ve got it wrong.”

She cocked her head, “Tell me then, what is he?”

You didn’t want to reminisce. You didn’t want to cross back over the bridge you worked so hard to crawl across. He was a core-memory you couldn’t escape and you knew leaving it in the past wouldn’t be so easy. You were his but he wasn’t yours. He still had a tight grip on what you wanted to do and where you wanted to go, even if you’ve fallen so far down his list of priorities.

“He was good to me an—”

“Most people are good to you, y/n! You’re fucking y/n!”

You bit your lip, “This was different, he understood me.”

She huffed, readjusting her grip unnecessarily, “And? Anyone who understands you gets to call you their girlfriend for two years? I’ve known you for fifteen! What does that make me? I’ve seen this play out before, y/n, can’t you just listen to me this time?”

You and her were much alike, externally stubborn, and you knew that if the roles were reversed she wouldn’t be acting all high and mighty.

“You’re better without these stupid men who let you go!” She explained adamantly, trying to drill the message in deep, “You always get better.”

Except, this time you couldn’t swallow your pride. He was different. He felt real in comparison to the flings you previously had and lost. He did understand and never looked at you like a hopeless girl he could save. You weren’t his challenge to fix.

Because of that, he was the first person you could truly say that you loved.

“When?” Your eyes glossed over, heart beating a physical pain throughout your chest. “When do I get better, Alexa?”

She sighed, “When you let yourself.”

You finally stopped abusing your bottom lip, letting it go. “What if this time it’s different?”

She pat your cheek with the palm of her gentle hand—even if sometimes it wants to slap some sense into you. “It’s not. You’ll get over him, just give it some more thought.”

But that’s all you’ve been doing. Giving him a thought, then another, and another, and another. It was a never ending loop you couldn’t escape the helpless feeling of.

The rush of adrenaline was a scary thing.

You tried a solemn smile, “Yeah, okay.”

The only way to get her to stop was to agree—even if she knew it was fake. Somewhere deep down you heard her.

And, it’s not like you didn’t want to move on, you just never thought you’d have to. If you’re being honest, you never thought you’d watch the two of you breakup like you did. You thought that if you ever broke up, it would have had to have been because of something awful. Yet, it was the complete opposite and maybe that’s why it hurt more than a little. You broke up mutually because even though it’s said that opposites attract, you weren’t so sure. Too different from one another to go on. You know now that the feeling inside of you for those years was only too good to be true. You should’ve known the storm would roll in at any second, sabotaging a sunny day. You should’ve known the whole thing would hit the fan and splatter against the wall. You should’ve known you would let your demons win. Donghyuck knew everything about you, and you should’ve known that to let him in meant letting them in as well.

You hate how fast you switched sides, and how easily you gave in. That wasn’t like the old you but, you didn’t even know who the old you was anymore. And now, you had much less of a clue who the new you happened to be.

You also had no insight on him. Sure, you could’ve pulled up one of Heachan’s (his online persona) streams. But, you gave him nothing, and got nothing in return. You acted like strangers so well one would think you’d actually never known each other. Just two people in the same circle.

You didn’t want to yearn for a boy who didn’t even want you anymore. But, all you wanted was him.

002: Fuckass Streamer Award Goes To…

You smiled, replying, “thank you,” as you read over the (specific) comment that was complimenting the selfie you used for engagement purposes. “It was after Alexa’s brother's birthday party—my running to the convenience store drunk, fit.” You read over the comments a little bit more, some saying that you were too dressed up to just go to a 7-eleven. “I take my outfits very seriously guys.”

You took a bite of the food at your side, scrolling through your music options. You didn’t plan on posting the stream to YouTube so, you weren’t really concerned with what was played.

“Are we fucking with Niki, chat?” You switched back to your Discord, “Oh my God, Jisung’s obsessed with me!”

You clicked, finally answering. A ping! filled your ears, making you jump. Then a familiar voice filled them instead, singing along to the song that you had just started playing: Lowkey. Your heart rate was through the roof, hand clutching your chest. “Oh my God! I almost stabbed myself!” The voice laughed through the attempt at hitting a higher note. “Remind me to turn that off later, okay?”

"Hey! You ignored me, and then decided to flame me on the main."

“Well, don’t be so easy to flame then, emo boy. I didn’t need you to scare the fuck outta me—like Freddy did you.” You laughed loud, putting the fork down, turning Jisung’s voice up. He still hummed along while trying to hold the conversation.

The chats messages were out of control, some thirsting over his deep voice, others reminiscing past streams you two did. Honestly, you’d met a lot of people through Heachan, Jisung one of them. They played first-person shooter games or League, and occasionally Haechan would teach you, putting his hand over yours and pressing the keys. It made your heart thump, a shooting pain in your chest.

You were just glad no one needed to choose sides after the breakup.

The song changed to: Sugarplum Elegy. Jisung took a second to actually acknowledge the chat’s messages (for him, obviously), greeting them.

Then he went silent when he realized, knowing that he was probably testing the waters, you tried to play it off, leaning back in the chair so your chat could (hopefully) not see your eyes glossing over. “H-hey, what if we played a game, Ji?”

He cleared his throat, “Yes? Okay! Yeah,” He shouted, dragging out the end, “What should we play? Roblox? Minecraft? COD? Stardew?”

You hummed, ooh-ing at his options until they peaked your interest, “Roblox! Roblox!” Your fingers started clicking against the keyboard, he was doing the same, pulling up the game. “Although, when we do an in-person stream, we need to play a scary game again–like when you and Donghyuck played Five Nights at Freddy’s. Maybe Poppy’s Playtime Chapter Three.”

You must’ve not realized the words that came out of your mouth; too intrigued by the games you scrolled through. But, the chat started speeding by again, and the air felt stale, static heard over the other end of the call.

“What? What happened?” You asked, still oblivious. Well, that was until it practically smacked you like a train. You had to pretend like you weren’t in the middle of its wreck.

You heard Jisung audibly swallow, also pretending (for your sake) that he didn’t hear it either, “No, nothing! You just scrolled past a suss-ass game. Speaking of, what do you want to play?”

“What about…I don’t know, one of the well known ones? Then chat can join too.”

“Well, yes.” He should’ve just said duh! “But, which one? Natural Disaster Survival? Dress to Impress?”

“Wait! Natural Disaster Survival! I’m so good at this one!” He typed for a second, and then an invitation popped onto screen, you pressed it, the loading screen taking over momentarily.

It should’ve been funny how you could relate almost anything back to Donghyuck. The first time you played this game—even the first time you played Roblox—was with him.

You bit your lip trying to focus on the game instead of the looming thoughts of him in the back (and front) of your head. Mostly, because if you thought about him too long, you’d start to wonder if he ever did the same. But, you couldn’t even get close to watching a video he uploaded or stream of his to read between his lines. Still, you wondered, if you ever reached out, would he reply or would it be radio silent? Would it give you the closure you think you crave?

You shouldn’t hold your breath.

For now, you were just two people who used to be more. And, you don’t know why that made you so sad. To think you used to share every dark and twisted secret—to hold the words so closely. To think you could’ve been so much more almost kills you. Sometimes you feel like you didn’t give it a shot, but in reality, that’s all you did.

You guess that you both wanted something the other couldn’t give…or maybe it wasn’t like that at all. Maybe he gave you everything you could’ve ever wanted and that's why it was so goddamn hard to get over this speed bump. You know it would be easier to loathe him, to pretend like he did something terrible and unforgivable. Although, he wasn’t like that no matter how many times you imagined it. No matter what you told yourself, it was never convincing enough. Every scenario ended with you being the bad guy in your story. Every scenario led back to him, and as much as you wanted to hate it, that was what got you through the night.

It’s said that time heals all, but how much time exactly until it becomes something deeper than surface level?

“I win!” Jisung shouted.

You had, obviously, died earlier; the chat mocking your statement about being good at the game. But you just wanted to brag to Jisung—the man who was good at every computer game. It was annoying, actually.

You started playing a different game, Jisung shouting, “Y/n! Y/n, I think they’re e-dating! That’s against the rules, let’s report them!” He laughed like he was scheming, “I did it! I reported them! Haha, losers!”

“At least they have someone—you and I are shit outta luck, buddy.”

“Damn…” He sighed, “I’m looking—”

“You’re great and all, but I’d actually rather date anything else.” You interrupted. “I think Jaemin, Mr. Pussy Slayer himself would be better.”

He scoffed, “Bold of you to assume I was talking to you! Bro’s before hoes, Y/n.”

Your jaw dropped, “Oh my God, and the fuckass streamer award goes to…” You yelled down the mic, “Just say i’m fucking ugly next time, damn.”

Laughter erupted over the call, filling the tense air with something lighter. The chat spammed L’s, TMI’s or random romantic-confessions to each other. Then your MOD’s started spamming, no dating in the chat otherwise you get banned (jokingly) as retaliation.

They calmed down and so did your shared laughter, Jisung admitting that he had to leave to film a video—which you complained about not being invited to. Then, you said your goodbyes, ending the call.

“Guys, I should leave too.” You pouted your lip out, “I’ll be back soon, promise.”

You turned off the stream and almost sighed in relief, though it felt all but relieving. Honestly, you felt nervous, guilty even. Your hands shook as you shut down everything, turning off the lights and leaving the room with a shut door.

You couldn’t let the thought go. Does he feel the same way you do? Has he been kept up at night wondering if you loved someone else? Does he remember all the firsts and lasts you two had, like you can’t get out of your head? Do his thoughts echo your name, like his replays on yours? You felt like a scratched record, repeating what you already knew; what you feared most, how much you do regret it.

You said you wouldn’t—that you couldn’t—you decided mutually that it was for the best that you went your separate ways, and to not dwell on the past. But, here you were, doing the opposite. Would he think it was as pathetic as you do?

You hated how much he lingered on your nerves and flowed through your veins like a pretty poison. You hated how you had to meet someone so good you know you’ll never have better. And, you hated how much his thoughts and emotions were a mystery—a mystery you craved solving. You knew that if you died tonight, you’d regret not reaching out. Unfinished business or something. But, what if you didn’t die during the night and had to face the consequences of your actions? What if you had to face him again one day? Would you be able to? So many hypotheticals you weren’t sure you really wanted the answers to.

The ghost of your failed-relationship will always haunt you, and it only gets worse in the dead of the night when you’re alone with your thoughts. The cold moon always mocked you, never answering your silent pleas for someone to fix what you couldn’t turn back time to—something you used to desperately cry out for. Now, you know no one is listening. And it should be humbling, yet you don’t care how many times you have to keep his sweatshirt over your body to get even a bit of sleep.

At least you were sleeping now.

But, you never thought you’d have to imagine ways to figure out how to make someone miss you. You never thought you’d want to make him suffer like you were. However, you never thought you’d feel lonely like you used to feel his heartbeat against yours.

Nevertheless, it’s always the one who got away, wasn’t it?

003: Plotting an Evil Scheme

Periodically, You’d go through the stages of grief. Sometimes you would even go through them so fast it felt like you were listening to a crazy, heavy-metal song. One moment, you’d go from crying, to accepting, to being happy it happened, to sad it ended. More often than not, you’d linger on the last.

Every time you almost broke the distance, your finger would land on Alexa’s contact, because if you asked her to, she’d talk you out of it. And, at first she was sad that it ended as well. You knew she didn’t want to tell you no but, she still did because she had more loyalty to you—knowing it was what you needed.

Now, she believes it’s what you still need.

DND. SOS

HEY GOOGLE! The sza album? 🔥🔥

DND. Fuck off.

HEY GOOGLE! I'm just kidding What's up babes??

DND. What do you think is up I'm about to break down

HEY GOOGLE! You want me to come over?

DND. No, what I want is for it to stop hurting so bad

HEY GOOGLE! You're going to make me cry

DND. Then we'd be crying under the same stars How romantic Just kidding! No romance here at my place.

HEY GOOGLE! You're throwing a pity party again

DND. This time you're uninvited Good night, Alexa.

HEY GOOGLE! Y/n I didn't mean it like that You're just always sulking over Haechan It makes me sad I just want to see you happy again

You couldn’t help but feel like you didn’t know how to be happy again. You honestly just felt like you were here—there was no other way to describe it. It was just a comatose feeling, neither swinging one nor the other way. Honestly, it felt like you’d just been taking a never-ending bad trip.

You stared at the spinning fan above your head, watching as it rounded and rounded the same path. You couldn’t not see yourself in it—relate to its mannerisms of the inanimate object which obviously couldn’t feel as you did; that couldn’t feel in general.

You thought breaking up was hard, but the battle truly began the moment you realized you were alone, after so much time of having someone there. Memories were silhouetted where the paint wouldn’t cover—where the pain still lingered.

You turned to your side, staring out at the blank wall; the fan making your head feel dizzier than usual. Your stomach turned with it…or maybe it was just the thoughts. Reality was, you couldn’t tell much anymore. You thought you had it figured out but, here you were, steps back once the sun went down. Funny how the darkness worked with your imagination.

If only these four walls could talk, you probably wouldn’t be wondering how he felt. You’d probably be in a much different situation if only the plaster had mouths. Though, you’d rather they didn’t narrate everything they’ve seen since his absence.

You closed your eyes, and it always seemed like the perfect opportunity for your memories to mock you. Honestly, you wish you couldn’t dream anymore—but, that would mean you’d have died, and that created more hypotheticals you couldn’t deal with right now.

“Love,” A tender voice called out, and you quickly went to find it, “My daughter! Where are you?” She called again once you reached the entrance of the house. The woman embraced you, wrapping her strong arms around you and kissing your cheek. You did the same, slightly delayed from shock.

You don’t even know if she realized what she said, but you could see it written across Donghyuck’s face when you turned around. You watched as his mother sashayed past him, adjusting the bag of food in her hand.

Donghyuck’s mother was enlightened by him shortly after you two had started talking. He told her about you being practically homeless, what put you into the system at fourteen. You never lasted very long with the families you were placed with, always being sent back like you were just a free-trial. Eventually, you lost all hope of finding one that would actually want to adopt you. Then years went by, you turned of age and suddenly you were out in the big, scary world.

“Did she just…” He trailed off, watching tears threaten to spill from your eyes. You nodded, pulling your bottom lip into your mouth and hugging your arms around yourself–trying to stop the faucet to the waterworks.

Donghyuck pulled your wrist free, then closed the distance between the two of you. You sniffled softly, and he kissed the crown of your head. You didn’t have to tell him how much it meant to you, because he knew how hard you took rejection and how fast you absorbed any kind of parental figure. He knew you looked at his mother like a superhero. He knew you almost envied their mother-son relationship; how close they were, while yours were deemed unfit by the court because they didn’t want to clean-up.

It still stings that they didn’t want you enough to get their shit together.

Still, Donghyuck’s mother didn’t realize it but, those little words that probably had no meaning to her, that were just subconscious, were as deep as Mariana’s Trench to you–they were as much of a mystery as it was too. Words that satisfied a small part you’d thought you lost. It almost felt like fireworks were going off as it replayed. It almost felt like a part of your heart was clicked back into place.

Oh, how you had so much to lose.

“Why do you only have Doritos? What on Earth is Prime? Didn’t I teach you how to cook?” She rambled, scolding her son and catching both your attention, “Come here! Why do you have nothing to eat, Donghyuck? How are you even alive? Come help me cook something…you’re lucky to have her, oh my gosh.”

Sirens woke you up; metaphorically, and as they flew past your window. You gasped for breath and wondered if your subconscious mind knew that you practically died every night, holding your breath like it was the last before taking a plunge. Though, they long passed by the time you turned over, the familiar fan still spinning.

You shivered but your body felt like every fiber was set aflame. You kicked off the blanket in an attempt to regulate, the cool air not soothing any part of you. You just wanted to peel your skin off, feeling sticky and sickly, a cold sweat covering your pores. You groaned as you pushed yourself into a seated position. Your stomach churned again with the same kind of agony as before you miraculously fell asleep.

You thickly swallowed, though now it was just lumped in your throat, and got from the drenched covers. Anyone who would see this out-of-context would think you were sick or having a terrifying nightmare, when the reality was much different. This was one of the good dreams; now bittersweet. And, you tried not to ask yourself about the elephant in the room but, you couldn’t help wondering if she’d still think of you the same way.

It was sickening. You thought you could throw up.

Maybe, in hindsight, that was because you already felt like doing so. But still, the knife of rejection cut you deep, straight into your heart you could physically feel it–spreading around your chest in the form of a burning sensation with little sharp sparks of pain here and there. You potentially thought that you were having a heart attack.

It didn’t fade but the anxiety of a critical situation did. You knew the feeling all too well. You knew the pain like the back of your hand. It’s said heartbreak takes a toll on people. However, they didn’t tell you it would feel like dying. So, what a surprise you got when you woke up drenched in a cold-sweat for the first time. Then again, and again. Until eventually, it became your normal routine to fall asleep, wake up early in the AM and wash up. You wouldn’t fall back asleep no matter how hard you tried but, you were used to the scattered feeling throughout the day.

HEY GOOGLE! I’m sorry y/n Just text me when you wake up

DND. Another day Another slay

HEY GOOGLE! not funny. did you have that dream again?

DND. All lowercase?? You must really feel comforting right now

HEY GOOGLE! you bet i do🥰 try to get some more sleep

DND. And you stop watching crime documentaries at 3am Go to bed

HEY GOOGLE! You first

DND. Funny🫤

You practically peeled the clothing from your body. The sticky sensation gave you sensory-overload and made you mentally-gag. Then you put them into the basket, already filled with a week's worth of washing before stepping into the turned-on shower.

The water ran over your skin but today it didn’t make you feel any less dirty–any better. It wasn’t soothing like it usually did. Honestly, it made you feel worse. Why’d it get to fall so freely and you couldn’t? Why were you envious of inanimate objects?

Your body lowered to the ground, knees coming up to your chest. You wrapped your arms around your legs, placing your head against them; it was already heavy from the water droplets.

You wanted it to make you feel better.

Maybe living in Hell would be better than purgatory–there, at least, you’d know where you stood. Maybe feeling something would be better than nothing. But, everyone wants what they can’t have, and you were no exception. Honestly, it made you feel like a spoiled brat. You couldn’t look at yourself without thinking it–without being jealous of the people who get to walk around with him in their mind without feeling a sense of betrayal.

You could hear a part of you plotting out an evil scheme, saying, if you can’t have him, no one can. Does that make you crazy?

Well, that’s got to be better than numb.

004: Your Burden to Bear

Were you grasping at thin air? Were you just holding onto a false sense of security? You guess you haven’t really accepted what you know has happened. You wondered a lot but, most of all, you wondered how long you’d fight yourself on the edge of a cliff. Afterall, it was just a matter of time until you toppled over the edge into a treacherous cavern. Would you even hate the free-fall as much as you hate looking across the trench? Because the other side looked so close but you refused to look down.

You opened the fridge, the artificial light illuminating a sliver of the kitchen. It was now around half-past five, which seemed like an acceptable time for adults to wake up–though, you’d been up for much longer.

Your eyes scanned the few options on the shelves, lingering on the pink-capped Soju for longer than they should have. Instead, you grabbed the bottled water, twisting off the top as the door swung closed quietly.

Honestly, you wished you realized what you had before it was all in the past-tense. How can you feel lucky to have known him but still appalled by that exact thought? But, that’s the age-old story, isn’t it? So, maybe Alexa was right. Maybe you shouldn’t be throwing yourself another pity party. The silence just knew every way to get to you; to weave its way into your brain chemistry and alter it.

You leaned against the countertop, sighing out, then taking a drink, only now realizing you felt overly parched.

You wondered how many goodnights were just goodbyes in disguise. You wondered if you ever met face-to-face again, would it just be another one in the making?

Maybe ripping off the bandaid and airing out the wound would be better than letting it fester in the dark. You, purposefully, haven’t even searched out a picture of him since Hell broke loose. You couldn’t help but feel like you’ve been dragging it on because you wanted what you knew and not change.

Did what Alexa’s been saying for months finally make a dent in your unstably-stone mind? Well, each step you took you always back-tracked once you got deeper down one of your rabbit holes.

Fuck, you’ve got to get out of your godforsaken mind, because you’re really starting to think that you wont ever reach the other side like Alexa says you will. You’re really starting to fear a full-body takeover by someone who probably hasn’t given you a second thought, when it seems all you do is give him a second, third and fourth.

Right now the Soju felt like it would satisfy your insatiable thirst–but, you’d leave it, going back to your room. One thing you refused to do, no matter how sad you got, was turn to alcoholism. Look where it got your parents. That’s a guilt you didn’t (couldn’t) live with. But, you’re sure they don’t live with it, it would just be your burden to bear. Actually, it looked like it would be exactly like it is now anyways, so did it really matter if you drank or not? You’ve already lost your sense of self.

You put the bottle on the side-table, turning to the mattress and taking the covers off of it. You bunched the sheets in your arms and carried them to get washed, because last night was especially bad for you, despite it being a good dream.

You shoved them into the washing machine and went to drag your dirty clothes out of the bathroom. If you were going to wash one thing, you might as well do the others. You then turned it on, after putting a rightful amount of detergent.

You backed against the wall, watching as it began to fill. You thought if you lost track of time you’d stand there for the full fifty minutes–yet, that didn’t seem like the worst way you could occupy your time.

However, it was cut short when the keypad to your apartment door started singing individual notes with each press of the password. Two options ran through your mind: you were going to die because somehow a murderer got the password to your door, or it was Alexa.

“Look who it is.” The black-haired woman motioned for you as you rounded the corner to meet her. “I brought you this, please eat it.”

In her hand were two things, an iced-coffee, which was for herself, and a bag from a nearby grocery store. She handed you the bag and went to explain the contents.

“It’s just a fruit platter because, I don’t know, this is the only thing I see you eat nowadays.” She also handed you her other things (keys, wallet and coffee) to hold while she took her shoes off. She laid them in an orderly line against yours and went to take her necessities back. “Yeah, I pay attention to you.”

You laughed but it was honestly kind of nice. You knew she cared about you–at least, it’s been fifteen years, so you hoped she did. Alexa’s been the only thing keeping you together. You know it probably doesn’t look like you’re coping but, without her it would be much worse.

“I can’t believe you promised to stream at six in the morning–with me. Who the fuck does that?” Alexa rambled, going into the kitchen. You could hear things hit the countertop, a cabinet then opening. “You remembered, didn’t you?” She called out.

Reality was, you simply didn’t find space inside your brain for that information after you put it out to the world. Another reason you probably wouldn’t be a functioning human being without her. “Otherwise, I wouldn’t be awake this fucking early! It’s like seven hours I’m missing right now!” You wondered what time it was now. She had a habit of being late, and you hadn’t even started setting up the stream.

You found your way into your guest-bedroom (makeshift office), switching on the light and illuminating your setup. You turned your computer on, logging everything back in–which, thankfully, you hadn’t done much of the opposite yesterday. Flicking to the bottom of the screen, it was 5:55am, which just meant the stream was going to be later than planned but, it was almost not going to happen.

You pulled up Twitch, logging that in too and pulling up your just chatting screensaver. The waiting room was already starting to fill, almost 40k people at its peak. You turned on music for them, watching as they spoke indirectly to each other.

Alexa joined you a few minutes later, sitting down in the chair next to you. She placed the fruit platter in the middle of you two, handing a fork to you.

“Ready?” You asked, and she nodded.

A smile plastered her face as you took the waiting screen off, unmuting and then greeting the chat. She followed your lead, saying hello to them as well.

She got comfortable quickly, despite not being a streamer. “You guys know what this bitch did to me?” Her head turned briefly your way, “She made me get up at five for this stream! She’s lucky I like her, chat.” Her hand went up into view with her five-fingers out to exaggerate the time she had to wake up.

“I remember you guys being very interested in Alexa and I’s friendship, and that’s how this stream came about. I don’t know why we said we’d do it at six in the morning–must’ve been something to do with most of the viewers' time-zones, or something.” You shrugged, stabbing a piece of watermelon with the fork, “Ask us questions.”

You read over the chat trying to pick out a good one, chewing the fruit slowly. Alexa pointed to the screen, sharp-black stiletto nails tapping it–it was one-hundred percent someone saying something rude about the two of you, but it only caused a giggling fit.

Eventually, Alexa found a question worth answering, “I mean, this question doesn’t have anything to do with our friendship but, I like to brag.” She laughed, a competitive glint in her eyes, “How many languages do we speak? Well, I speak English, Spanish and Korean. An interesting spread, I know.”

“I technically speak more!” You butt-in, which earned you a daring look. “English, French, Japanese and Korean.”

“You don’t speak French, you can only read it!” She huffed, “So, we basically speak the same amount.”

“Isn’t reading harder?”

“For your dyslexic ass!” Alexa slammed her fork down dramatically, making you laugh. She then perked back up just as quickly, almost like a light had gone off inside her mind, “You know what she did to her French teacher?”

Your hand shot out, cupping her mouth before she had the chance to spit it out. She licked it (what did you really expect?) but she's done worse, so you didn’t flinch away.

“No, no…that’s not a story for chat. Only Belle and Jisung know–should I tell them what you said to our English teacher instead?” Her eyes narrowed and she slouched down, surrendering. You slowly backed your hand away, ready to slap her mouth again if she started telling the mortifying story.

“How’d we meet? What about that? Can I tell them that?” She asked, her sharp eyes beaming into yours. You nodded, leaning back into the chair and putting more fruit into your mouth.

She smiled, “Alright, this was, what? Fifteen years ago?” She grabbed your hand when you confirmed, “The teacher sat us next to each other. She was a little introvert–I know, hard to believe.”

“Basically, she called me a little bitch because I wouldn’t introduce myself to the class, and then, I don’t know how, we became friends.” You mumbled the rest, “Where’d she even learn that word, we were like seven.”

“No! I didn’t say that! I was a little saint at that age.”

Your eyebrows rose, “A saint with a biting problem, maybe.”

Her mouth hung open, then she mimed biting your arm through the sweatshirt you were wearing. You both giggled at each other again, playfully pretending to be piranhas.

“But honestly, Alexa’s so scary that no one fucked with us during school. Mostly because of her biting reputation–” She smacked your arm, “Sorry, resting bitch face–But! She really helped me, and I owe her so much.”

She mimed wiping under her eyes dramatically, throwing her arms around you in a side-hug, “Stop! I love you–don’t actually stop, I love compliments–but, I love you so much, Y/n!”

“I really don’t know where I’d be without her.”

“I know, I keep you in check.” She said as she broke from you, dusting her shoulders off confidently, “I’m just the bestest-best friend in the whole world.”

Your eyes rolled at her, despite knowing it was true. Then, you went to read the chat some more; them awe-ing over your long-lasted friendship.

“Well, this turned into me and Alexa bickering like a married couple instead of a Q&A,” You stated, “But, what’s my favorite song? Ooh, that’s so tough. At the moment it’s We Can’t Be Friends and Past Life. Obviously they’re so good but, honorable mentions are Dear God and Did You Like Her In The Morning. Shameless plug for my playlist, by the way.”

You turned to Alexa, who looked like she was deep in thought, “I’m taking this so seriously, it’s not funny.” She explained, calmly looking off-screen to somehow focus herself, “W-what was the one song you played all the time? Please remember my an–”

“Try Again?”

“Yes!” She shouted, “I loved it so much!”

Your finger shot up abruptly, “Clip it and send it to Jaehyun, Alexa’s a fan.”

The chat spammed ‘done!’, Alexa sitting back and nodding. She first heard the song, soon after your breakup, when you two went for a drive because you refused to be home alone. It was really therapeutic, yet dangerous, to cry and sing along to it–which is something Alexa always let you do.

The other questions you answered were cliché things that honestly, you were expecting. Mostly things like, your favorite memory, who’s older, and etc.

After a while, you ended the stream, saying your goodbyes to the chat after answering the (stated) last question: when are you two getting married for real?

Alexa grabbed your shoulder, rubbing down your arm soothingly. You were an anxious person, it’s always been like that; worse due to your introverted nature but, with someone you never had to worry. And you hated that you became dependent on that reliability.

“Mom wants you for dinner, please come over later.” Alexa got from the chair, “She misses you, and so does Saja.”

You waved her off and got up too, “Alright, I’ll be over at like…four, to help cook. Okay?”

She jumped excitedly, pressing a kiss to your cheek as she hugged you close, “Perfect! I’ll buy wine!”

“I got it.” You said, “I’ll pick up her favorite on the way.”

“You’re an angel, Y/n. I’ll tell her you’re coming!”

She left, probably to go back to sleep as if she didn’t just drink a large coffee, and you repeated the steps to renew the room for the next use.

You know why when she left the feeling of having no air crashed upon you. You almost clutched your chest, though, you also knew the feeling wasn’t something abnormal. It’s always funny the physical toll that anxiety takes on people because, at first, you always thought you were dying, sending you into a deeper frenzy. Now you know, if you were going to die, it wouldn’t be from that.

005: Pictures Like Memories

You walked the wine aisle, searching out the perfect one. Alexa’s mother was a woman of class, red being her favorite–though it couldn’t be too sweet or too dry. Though it needed to be bitter enough to give her a buzz after a while. Alexa, however, liked what she could afford. And, during highschool (when you shouldn’t have had a fake) that consisted of bottom shelf alcohol.

You grabbed a pretty gift bag, specifically designed for wine, as well as a little green sweater with embroidered flowers. It had caught your attention, putting a small smile on your face–and your therapist used to say you should hold onto the little things that made you happy.

That was before the small things turned bigger.

Alexa’s mother was the only other person who treated you like a daughter, so you never felt bad buying the best for her–she deserved it. She’s stated on multiple occasions that if she was able to adopt you back then, she would’ve. But, she was going through a messy divorce, soon falling into financial hardship. She could barely afford to keep Alexa, much less another kid and her fees.

Still, she did the best she could for you. She let you stay over whenever you could, she’d even pick you up from school with Alexa, and buy you presents for Christmas and your birthday. As far as you knew, she was practically your mother; more of one than your biological one that is.

You loved her dearly, and it broke your heart that you watched her cry with you. You never wanted to cause her sadness, just as much as Alexa but, you watched them both fall out of love with him too–and, that, you felt a guilt for.

You’ve had your fair share of boyfriend’s throughout your life to cope with the abandonment. Most lasted only a couple months max, the rest, less. However, it seemed like Donghyuck had a special way of creating space in his heart for anyone. And, that, he did for everyone he met. Maybe, that’s why it killed you more than anyone else ever has because there was always someone after.

However, now you know there’s not. And, you hate that you only got so close. It felt like you gave up–you hate giving up. You hate how you didn’t even put up a fight to the proposition…if only you could go back in time.

“Excuse me?” You looked from the shelf to where the voice came from, whether or not it was talking to you, “Hi.”

Your eyebrows rose, and you fought with the urge to pretend like you didn’t hear him or be nice and greet him back. Did people even still meet like this? But, you didn’t really like talking unnecessarily, more of a listener, especially men you didn’t know.

He approached you, and your posture straightened–mostly because you were on edge. “This may be forward but, I think you’re really cute. Can I have your SnapChat?”

You huffed out a laugh, trying to play it cool. You swore you could see Alexa’s murder-documentary-watching ass trembling in the corner of your mind. “I’m sorry…” You said the first thing that came to mind, “I have a boyfriend.”

"But, y-you hesitated. I swear I'm not trying to be creepy–"

You pulled out your phone, “Look, I’m sure you’re great.” Then scrolled through your camera roll. Alexa would literally kill you if she saw you still had these pictures, but right now you were glad you couldn’t delete them. You turned the screen around, an obvious picture of yourself and Donghyuck being more than friends. “But, I’ve been in a relationship for years now.” The man flicked his eyes from the phone to your face and then back to the phone. He made a disgusted sound, mumbling something about how you weren’t even that cute anyways and other things you’re sure you didn’t want to catch.

After he turned the corner, the shuffling inaudible, you readjusted the bottle in the crook of your elbow, looking down at the screen. You had to choke down the tears that threatened to spill and turned off the phone. A shallow breath left your lips and you made your way to the front desk.

“Did you find everything okay?”

You looked to the clerk, trying to focus yourself back down on Earth, “Yeah, thank you.”

He smiled, ringing up the items you placed on the wooden counter, "Do you want to use this right away?" He picked up the little sweater and gift bag. You nodded, and he put them together.

You pulled out your wallet, then your ID and handed it to him. He looked it over for a moment, and within that moment you thought he wouldn’t let you buy the wine. But, he handed it back and you paid.

He then handed you your items and you waited by the door for your Uber.

Traffic was the same as usual, excruciatingly slow. Eventually though, you came to a stop in front of the house Alexa’s mom had bought a few years ago. She was the definition of better on her one, and you wondered if you could ever be too. However, she wasn’t in your DNA the way she was Alexa’s.

You walked to the front door, rang the doorbell as solely the way of announcing you had arrived, and went inside. You walked through the house and into the kitchen, where loud music and even louder talking was going on.

“Honey!” Alexa’s mom’s dog, Saja (though she wasn’t much of a lion), jumped from her spot on the ground as you entered. You put your bags onto the surface next to you so you could pet her. “I was so happy when Lexa said you’d be coming!” She grabbed your face, pulling you up-right and planting a kiss onto each of your cheeks. “I missed you so much!”

“I missed you too. I’m sorry I don’t come around often anymore.”

She steadied your head to look into her eyes, “Don’t be. You can now.”

Alexa emerged from behind you with the bottle of wine already in her grasp, “What the Hell! This is so cute!” She held up the sweatered-bottle, “Mom, look!”

Her eyes broke from yours, then to the bottle. You watched as they lit up with admiration. She pulled you into another hug, then went to find the opener.

Alexa ushered you to sit down at the island in the meantime, and she resumed cutting onions next to you.

“Was the rest of your day okay?” She asked, almost awkwardly. You laughed quietly, “Did you sleep some more after the stream?”

“It was fine, Alexa. Did you sleep some more?”

"You bet your sweet-ass I did!" She started to giggle to herself, going back to focusing on not chopping her fingertips off as well, "Best nap I ever fucking had. I swear, it felt like I died and then got revived."

Your phone buzzed in your pocket, and you figured it was just a notification from YouTube saying that Belle had uploaded; she was the only notification you still had on. But, it was weird when another came right after it.

While pulling it from your pocket, you pressed the side-button, the notification revealing itself with your face-ID.

You couldn’t have said this day would arrive. You couldn’t have said you’d react the way you did–the way you were. Frozen, staring down at the notification that illuminated your screen. It just had to be one thing after another today, didn’t it?

But you put it out into the universe, didn’t you?

HYUCK Hey I think we should talk.

Alexa tried to look over your shoulder, coming around the island, but you quickly turned it off and shoved the phone under your thigh.

“What is it?” She asked, placing the knife against the cutting board, “What? You never hide, I’ve seen the worst photos of you. What is it?” Her face deadpanned, and that’s when Alexa’s mom came back with the bottle opener and three fancy glasses.

She must’ve sensed something was wrong, stopping what she was doing as soon as she reached to be directly across from you two. “What happened?”

Alexa turned to her, “She’s not telling.”

“Nothing happened!” You (unconvincingly) stated, “It was just…YouTube. Jisung posted.”

YouTube my ass, Y/n!” She held her hand palm up to you, “What’d someone say? Was it Twitter?”

You hesitantly started to grab your phone from under your leg, explaining in the process, “I turned those off a long time ago. I-it was a text.”

“From who?”

Alexa snatched the machinery from your hand as soon as it was in her view. You watched nervously, awaiting her outburst once she got the password through. Suddenly her eyes were wide, and the phone was being shoved into her mother’s hands.

“I’m going to kill him!” She shouted, getting from the stool to pace the hardwood, “How much prison time is murder?”

You released your lip, trying to crack a joke, “Should we ask Siri?”

But, she didn’t find it funny, actually she grabbed the phone back from her mother who was now approaching you with open arms. You felt them wrap around you from the side, and she kissed the top of your head.

“My love, it’s okay. Don’t respond–you hear that Alexa? Don’t answer him!” Her daughter grumbled but put the phone down without (hopefully) doing any damage.

Alexa’s mother broke away from your hug and went to open the wine, “You need this more than ever.” She stated, putting your phone into her back pocket and filling a glass until, practically, the rim.

You had no idea how quickly something could shift–honestly, you willed the phone to ring so many times, yet, the time you didn’t, it does. The world never seemed to work with you, always against, and right now it felt no different. So conflicted. In a few drinks, however, you’d probably be crying on the floor.

006: A Damn Sweatshirt

It had been two days. You didn’t get another text, and it took everything in you to not disappoint Alexa and her mother by replying. However, you were never good at controlling your mind.

You stared at the open messages. You could re-sight the last texts you’d sent to each other–texts you’d often find yourself reading, like an idiot, to get to sleep.

Now, laid out was not a confession like you wanted. Actually, laid out was more confusion. What’d he want to talk about? Well, if you replied, he’d answer that. But, you still couldn’t find the right words to say back.

You turned off the phone again, laying it face down against the mattress. Tears rolled down the sides of your temples, joining it as splotches. If you knew way back when, all the distress this would cause you, would you do it the same again? The question to re-open the door lingered in your head. Your hand was already on the handle, all you had to do was pull.

You turned your back to the phone, though it didn’t last as long as you wanted it to. Honestly, you have no idea how you lasted through last night. The night before Alexa didn’t give you your phone until absolutely necessary. And, even then, she threatened you.

HYUCK Hey I think we should talk.

Y/N Okay, talk then.

You didn’t know why you expected an answer right away, especially after you hadn’t replied for days. It was also half past three in the morning. You hated how this was going to turn into a game of chase, like you were a bunch of cats and dogs. It almost made you wish you were face-to-face.

Just as the phone was about to turn off by itself, the screen illuminated once again. Your heart stopped beating and beat all too quickly at the same time.

HYUCK Have you been on twitter recently? You were wearing my sweatshirt. In that one stream with Alexa.

Y/N Oh Obviously I can't lie since there's ss. Sorry, you can have it back. If that's what you want.

HYUCK But that's not what I want to talk about. I want to know how you are. I asked Alexa about a month back, but she blocked me on everything. I can't blame her.

Y/N Not well, Donghyuck.

HYUCK Oh

You hadn’t realized the hoodie (that you were wearing now) was that recognizable. Of course, you usually tried not to wear it in streams for a different reason; the reason being that it would tell Donghyuck all that needed to be said aloud.

You hated that Twitter was practically harassing him, while you peacefully remained blind behind your turned-off notifications. He reached out to you because of a hoodie, not because he really wanted to.

You felt sick. Your hands immediately started to shake. How come you wanted this, but now you really can’t handle it? Maybe you should’ve stuck to pity parties. In reality, maybe you shouldn’t have manifested all of this to the moon. She’s always been tricky, but apparently she listens.

What’s next? The walls are going to talk too?

HYUCK Honestly Me neither, Y/n.

Y/N What does that mean then? For us

HYUCK What do you want it to mean?

Y/N Don't do that. I can't be the one to make the decision again. I already regret the last one.

Mutuality was taken lightly–when it was leaned more on one side from the beginning. You thought whatever you could’ve said wouldn’t have mattered. You would’ve still broken up because it’s what you were both convinced the other wanted. What you were convinced the other wanted.

Except, it was pushed onto your shoulders more than his…or so you thought. You felt it more than he did. You said the words–agreed–and made the mistake to end it, but he vowed to keep it that way. And, for a while, it seemed like he did. Well, until he texted Alexa to ask whatever he needed to ask, and she didn’t respond.

You felt like you could’ve gotten some kind of concrete closure months back. But, that’s not her fault, the message didn’t even reach her eyes.

You guess, you’re not so different after all.

Y/N I wish I could read your fucking mind, Hyuck. Spell it out for me. Tell me you've moved on and I'll stop. I'll take off your sweatshirt and you'll never hear about me again.

HYUCK Then I'd be lying to you. But I'll tell you want you want to hear, if you answer one question. If it was any other day of the year, would we have broken up?

Y/N I don't understand what you're asking me. Do you want me or not?

HYUCK Right, fine. Spell it out. I haven't been the same without you, and I don't know why that is. Obviously, you must still love me too.

Y/N Too?

HYUCK You must be stupid to think I'd ever fall out of love with you just like that. Y/n, you had me a wrapped around your fucking finger. Have** I just want to know what was so special, that I still can't get you out of my head.

Y/N Oddly enough, I'm not glad to know that the feeling is mutual. It kinda makes it worse. We wasted months. I cried for months. And it was this fucking easy?

HYUCK I'm sorry.

Y/N That pisses me off, Donghyuck. You're pissing me off.

HYUCK You didn't reach out either. At least I tried eventually. What were you going to do? Wait until you felt better? Until you got over it?

Y/N Eventually it would've gone away.

HYUCK If the feeling's mutual, then you don't truly believe that.

Y/N Don't tell me what I believe.

HYUCK Then tell me what you want to hear. I'll say it. Do you want me to hate you? Do you want me to be the bad guy? Whatever you want, Y/n.

Y/N I just want you to honestly tell me if that was the end for us. If so, then I'll leave us in the past. I mean it this time.

HYUCK That'd never be the end for us. But that's not what you want to hear, is it?

Truth be told, part of him was right, because part of you didn’t want to hear that. Part of you didn’t want to see, that’d never be the end for you two, written across your screen. Part of you wished he’d hate you and rip the rest of the heart he owned into pieces. But, the other part of you was drowning in conflicting emotions.

You could see the storm rolling in from the distance and you were stranded on a life-boat, surrounded by nothing but open ocean. You feared you’d soon see their depths.

Y/N No, but it's what I needed to hear.

007: Everything Looks The Same Blurry

You weren’t on top of the world now that you were enlightened. Still, you pretended like you hadn’t swung the door open and crashed a hole into the plaster. You thought you’d know how to feel but, you felt just as–if not more–clueless than before. You fought with the urge to drive the distance to see what he meant face-to-face. Though, you feared that would make everything worse. Maybe letting it fester was a better option in hindsight.

That’d never be the end for you two didn’t have to mean you’d date again, right? It could mean you could be civil; maybe even friends one day. But, you still couldn’t get it out of your sponge-like mind. Everything inside of you wanted to further question Donghyuck, ask what the fuck he wanted, but you knew you wouldn’t be able to do that.

Not when it seemed he didn’t know either.

It should be easy to type but every time you hit a letter you erase it just as quickly. It’s like you know nothing you say would ever be enough to air-out what you’ve been feeling for months. The silence in the night also should’ve made this easier–you become reckless then. Yet, you still erased what you tried to say.

Your stomach turned again as you sat at the marble-island of your kitchen. Your phone was in your hands, but all you were doing was staring at it through teary eyes. The words blurred together…but everything looked the same blurry.

It’s been months…is what you told yourself to keep you alive. You were happy then, you could be happy now. Though, the memories flashed like a badly timed montage every time you closed your eyes–or left them open. You couldn’t escape no matter how far you ran because it seemed they had the stamina of a gold-medalist.

Donghyuck wasn’t even that far away, and that wasn’t easy to know. You both sought out where you reside now when you were still together. Obviously, you two didn’t want the distance, and now you’re not sure if you still do.

It’s frustrating how unsure of everything you actually feel. You just wanted a sense of security, even if only for a short amount of time; maybe that would help you feel less like you were chasing a spirit.

Your phone pinged in your hand, and you reluctantly looked down quicker than you thought you would. It wasn’t Donghyuck, the man you suspected it to be, but another creator asking if you’d join their stream.

Was this all you were good for? Was this your cycle nowadays? It was getting repetitive. You hate boring but, that’s what your life is now: stream, try to sleep, make unrealistic choices, and repeat.

Of course, you agreed, writing out a cookie-cutter cheerful message back. Exclamation marks and words you dragged out too many letters. You were getting too good at pretending for the camera. You were afraid that the life would drain from inside your eyes–or you just deserved an Oscar. You wondered if Donghyuck would notice, but you had to stop the thought before it buried you up to your head in its relatives.

You didn’t want to be a sob story, especially without knowing the root of the problem. But, you could jump into any conclusion and, in that moment, it would be convincing enough. You could go on and on about every little thing you think you’ve done wrong or wish you could take back.

You were reaching your limit. You felt like you were going to word vomit…or maybe just vomit.

At this point, you’re not sure closure would be sufficient. Maybe committing arson and burning down what you two built would cause some sort of erasure–yet, no matter how hard you think you do, you don’t want to forget. You don’t want to lock up the memories and throw away the key. However, what if it turned out to be one-sided? How would you handle another fracture in your heart from him?

The devil never did bargain, and you were bad at making deals.

You feared you’d never be mentally prepared enough to know the answer to the many, many questions that flowed through you like a poison. You also feared you wouldn’t really have a choice in the matter but, time will tell.

You could feel the road was splitting, and a new question emerged; go off towards a cliff, or continue floating in the storming ocean? You feel like you were blindly leading yourself into the dilemma with your eyes wide open. Would all this questioning be worth it in the end? Or would all this eventually fade into nothing but a past-tense? You were about to wear your heart on your sleeve when it should remain in your chest. In reality, you could probably think this out logically, but nothing about love is logical and you’re scared to admit that you’re scared of that. You don’t want to wait for nothing at all, but you don’t want to let go of the what-if’s because, what if? What if he cut so deep, it’s now engraved into your code?

You have nowhere else to run. You had to make your choice now and get into the driver’s seat. You’d soon free-fall off the cliff, or go down with the ship and meet the depths of the ocean. You were cornered, and this would be your only retreat, because living in turmoil isn’t better than Hell.

As much as you wanted to be okay with never knowing, you, simply, were not. You’re sure you could eventually choke it back but, deep down, there’s nothing worth fighting for then. That’s something that sat in your throat like a drug that wouldn’t stay down; love isn’t love if it’s not worth fighting for.

It’s time to wake up now and face the reality of the matter. You dug your grace, isn’t it time you laid in it? Isn't it only fair that you realize the mistakes you’ve made, and let the fire burn around you and the silhouettes of what you won’t forget? You crashed the burden upon yourself, and now you have to accept the gravity whether you want to or not.

008: Damage Control

The dramatics were getting…well, just that, dramatic. You convinced yourself you didn’t want to cope, while also convincing yourself you had to figure out a way to cope. You were running in circles, on the same old track, and that was getting annoying.

Whether or not mentally you were in the best place tonight, Alexa was dragging you out to meet some of her online friends. She wasn’t even a streamer, or online figure per say, but since she was strongly associated with one, and her extroverted personality, she effortlessly connected with people of the sort.

She always looked out for you, ever since you were young. She was the sister you never got a chance to have. You were grateful she tried her very best to be understanding–even if she didn’t understand. Underneath, you were so different but similar in many ways. You probably wouldn’t have been friends under normal circumstances, though it seemed the world placed exactly who you needed in exactly the right moments.

You pressed your hands together, your heels clicking against the sidewalk. Alexa had her arm linked with yours, smiling from ear to ear. She was gorgeous–always so beautiful, it made you wonder if anyone had ever seen you the way you see her.

“Y/n,” She stopped, placing her other hand against your bare arm, “You’re going to be okay, just take a breath.” Her words were comforting in themselves, but the truly solemn look on her face told the rest of the narrative.

You forced a smile, “Okay…” You shakily agreed.

Then she went back to leading you to the entrance of the building. Outside was a woman, looking down at her phone and typing away with cherry-red nails. She had soft features that genuinely just made her look nice–and the smile that plastered her face when she spotted the two of you, just confirmed your suspicion. Her hair was an ashy blonde, styled in effortless waves. She wore a white-ruffled dress that hugged her frame tightly, and similar black heels to yours.

Alexa dragged you the rest of the way, and with the speed she was going, it made it almost impossible for you to not trip; you stumbled, earning laughs from the two as you concluded your journey.

The woman’s hand replaced where Alexa resided moments before, “Are you alright?” She asked, steadying you.

You nodded, and pulled the girl into a quick squeeze, “Yes, It’s so nice to finally meet you in person.”

“I know, we live so close–and played Among Us so often, I’m surprised it’s taken us this long!”

You glanced at Alexa, who was now bringing the woman into a hug, holding her tightly for a moment, “Yeah, well, Minjeong is my friend.” She shot you an annoying look of competition, but you just brushed her off.

Appearing in your view from behind the two girls was another dark-haired person. This time, however, it was a personably-familiar face.

You brushed past them, a smile pairing with your actions, “Well, Jaemin’s mine!” You embraced the man, and Alexa huffed, crossing her arms in a fake pout. You shoved the girl playfully, linking arms with her once again.

Jaemin and Minjeong said their hello’s and then the four of you fully realized you were blocking the entrance to the karaoke bar. The rest quickly linked arms with you and Alexa, giggling as you pushed each other through the exasperated sighs of other customers.

You eventually found the room that Alexa had rented for a few hours, just to have a, so called, party, for no apparent reason.

The room was dimly lit, with a table and booth-like bench facing the stage. TV’s lined the walls, as well as flashing lights and speakers. Minjeong and you sat together, Jaemin already checking out the microphone and music options; flipping through the binder.

Minjeong turned to you, “Do you know if anyone else is coming?”

You shrugged a reply, “Probably–Alexa does whatever she wants in the moment.”

As the saying goes, speak of The Devil, said girl appeared with a tall black-haired man at her side. She also had a tray of alcohol and shot glasses, which you laughed in disbelief at.

“Look who I found!” She shouted, placing the tray against the table.

“Jisung!” You stood up, briefly embracing the streamer over the table, “How’s it been? How’s my favorite emo boy?”

“No, I found Tito’s.” Alexa grumbled, pouring it into the short glasses, “But, Ji’s cool too, I guess.”

Jaemin joined the circle for the shot, swinging his head back in the process. You scrunched your face at the smell of your least-favorite alcohol, nonetheless, taking it easily.

“A shot? Without me!” Another man entered through the door, and suddenly everyone was yelling happily, “Some friends you all are!”

You fully emerged from the table, embracing the other popular League of Legends streamer on your way to join Jaemin in singing Rocketeer, which you saw him cue up.

“That’s all I get, Y/n? I’ve known you forever, and I don’t even get a hello?” He turned around, laughing out at his statement, “Only Alexa gives me this treatment.”

You grabbed the microphone as the music started, “I’m sorry, Chenle! This is my song!” You practically pleaded before you sang the chorus down the mic like rent was due and you were lacking the funds.

You and Jaemin finished the song with an impeccable performance–you were surprised he even knew it in the first place–your rapping skills outshining and earning the most outrageous cheers. Minjeong and Alexa tag teamed Britney Spears’ Toxic next, then Jisung and Chenle took turns for a while. In the meantime, you had another shot with Jeamin, then another with Alexa, and Minjeong, then Chenle and Jaemin.

You were five shots deep and almost at the period of seeing stars when another man entered with his hands shoved down his pockets. And you think even if you had amnesia, you’d still recognize him. Your eyes went wide and you gripped Alexa’s arm, turning away and back like he was just a figment of your fucked-up imagination. It had to be some kind of joke. But, you watched as he spun on his heels, a sickly look falling on his face.

Your eyes stuck to Alexa, who was just as shocked (if not more) than you were. She glanced your way with a look of disapproval. Yet, it didn’t matter, everything you convinced yourself of was crashing upon you.

You practically jumped the table, a concerned glint on the faces that hadn’t seen who entered and just as quickly left. You stumbled over and through the door faster than Alexa–or anyone–could protest or try and change your mind.

You were dead-set on stopping the man, locking your sights on his turned back and grabbing his arm. He didn’t fight, like you compelled him with a firm touch to obey and turn around. He avoided eye-contact with what seemed like the remains of his will-power.

“Hyuck…” There was a nauseous look on his face, one you’d seen reflected back at you countless times, “W-why? How?” You couldn’t seem to get any words out; at least, nothing of substance.

“I didn’t know you’d be here, Y/n.”

You caught a glance of your hand so naturally holding his wrist, and you thought you might lose your mind. The feeling–taste–that your name from his lips gave you was a sense of doom, like he was a reaper coming to finally save you.

Take you.

A pit formed where all the happiness from earlier faded, “I’m going to leave, go back inside and enjoy your night.”

The words appeared and left too quickly for you to think about taking it back, “How the fuck am I supposed to do that!” You yelled, cocking your head, “How am I supposed to enjoy my night after this?”

He finally looked into your eyes, teary and holding back. If they were the window into one's soul, his were crystal clear. “I wouldn’t have come if I’d known. I promise, I’m sorry.”

Apologies you didn’t want to hear. How were you supposed to water a rotting grave? How were you supposed to save something that was already dead? You wanted concrete closure, but you put your foot in the closing door, holding it open. Questions lingered–like they always have–in the air and clung to it like frost.

His heart was heavy, and it weighed on your mind.

But, did yours do the same for him?

He turned from you, making your hand fall back to your side, “Wait! That’s all I get? Are you fucking serious, Donghyuck?”

He didn’t turn back but you could hear him perfectly fine–as if there were no other sounds in the raging world. “What do you want from me then?” He asked. You huffed out at his audacity; that stupid question again. “You looked happy in there–I’m happy you’re going out with your friends.”

“Fuck off…nevermind.” You crossed your arms, “You’re not.”

Months of yearning for this to be the words that rolled off your tongue. Why couldn’t you just say it? You’ve been drowning in it, suffocating with the thought: him. You wanted him.

“I’m not, what?” He turned again, a dissatisfied look on his face, cheeks glistening (only a little) under the neon signs.

"Being honest with me."

He mirrored your arms with his, "And, you know me so well?"

your eyebrows rose, and as if it was a tidal wave crashing onto you, you gawked. Of course you do–as much as you wished it wasn’t true. "How could you think I don't?"

A familiar voice called from behind, grabbing at your shoulders to turn you away from Donghyuck. “Y/n! That’s enough!”

His words were covered by Alexa’s, and you could barely comprehend what his reasoning was.

“Because, you never called.”

“What?” You looked over your shoulder as Alexa ushered you away, shouting. “What did he say, Alexa?”

It might’ve been the alcohol but, you quickly realized that that was the most you’ve spoken in months, and you were very much still tangled in the webs he spun. The side-effect of love was a broken heart, and you should’ve known there were consequences.

Now, your stomach twisted, yet, this time it felt different. You covered your mouth, and Alexa got another horrified look on her face when she noticed. Your breath was starting to shallow, and you shook within her grasp. Tears spilled from your eyes as you huffed for air, only causing the nausea to worsen.

She turned to you, even with the threat of being thrown up on, “Calm down,” Her hands ran up and down your arms as she looked into your eyes nervously, “It’s fine. He’s gone now.”

That was the problem, wasn’t it?

But, somewhere deep down, you still knew what his gaze felt like against you.

You were losing vision by the second as the feelings got deeper inside of you. You were losing the battle against yourself. Your knees were about to give out from under you, still, you couldn’t muster up the strength to reach out for Alexa; your own stone heart was making you feel like a million pounds. Everything was spinning and blurring together like a water-colored painting from Hell.

For a moment, nothing mattered. Your mind had gone blank, completely and utterly taken over with blending thoughts–seconds, minutes. You couldn’t stop spiraling. Was this what the depths of the ocean looked like? Or, did you stumble off the edge of the cliff?

Only one person truly knew what you needed in the midst of the chaos. And, was that really comforting to know?

Donghyuck wrapped his arms around you, holding you steady enough to stumble towards the nearest building. You could hear Alexa echo concern for the situation unfolding, stating that she had it under control. However, he was more concerned with the fact that you’d be mortified throwing up in front of onlookers when you finally came to.

“I need you to try and work with me here–try and focus on breathing–I’ll do the rest.” Whether or not Alexa wanted to bicker with him, she let go. She once trusted him too. You nodded hesitantly, hyper-aware of the way his hands felt like fire on your waist. The way it felt like something chemically charged with his nerves on yours.

Then, you practically peeled yourself from his arms…voluntarily? Well, it must've been. Hurdling through the bathroom door and gripping the porcelain. You’re not only lucky that you made it, but that it was also a single stall.

Alexa clambered in quickly after, shoving Donghyuck from her way and taking your hair into her hands. She shot him a challenging look, and he backed away with his hands up, surrendering.

“Oh my God,” You mumbled, “I’m sorry. I’m really—”

“Why are you apologizing right now?” She stated, not asked, “Just throw up, you’ll feel better.”

You feared you never would. You feared this would end up in flames–whatever, this was. You feared that you’d just lost him entirely. At least with no contact he lived in your mind. But, miscommunication leads to fallout. And, that's exactly what you did.

“Hyuck,” Alexa quickly refocused on the task at hand, glaring into you hunched over the toilet still. You were barely audible over the chatter outside the door. “Will you take me home?”

“What! You don’t mean that, you’re drunk!” The dark-haired girl shouted into your ear, “I’ll take you home—call you an uber, something.”

“No, I’m fine. I’m fine,” You were laying your armor down, “You need to go back inside,” You tried to joke, “And handle damage control.”

And you needed to claim your belongings in this wreckage.

She protested some more, pulling your neck straight by your hair. But, all you were focused on was his answer. You knew it would tell you things you weren’t sure you wanted to know anymore. If you were prepared for the answers that haunted you? Only time would tell.

“Yeah, I’ll take you home.”

009: To Sink or Swim

Unfortunately, you sobered up quickly. It was a family trait of yours that the high never lasted, and that’s why your parents kept going back for more.

You felt bad for leaving your friends—especially Alexa—without an excuse. But, you couldn’t lose him again. You wouldn’t survive it.

And, that's how you ended up in the passenger seat of his car, looking out the window into the distance. You were just trying to distract yourself from the deafening tension casted over you.

You held your breath, mumbling, “Thank you,”

The rhythmic tapping against the steering wheel stopped, his voice taking over the silence, “I couldn’t just…” He replied slowly, dragging it out to a critical pause, “leave you like that. I couldn’t just let go.”

“I’m sorry,” You laced your fingers together, “For being a burden.”

“Why—what’s there to be sorry for when it’s not true?”

You sighed, “I don’t know…you name it, and I’m probably sorry for it.”

In reality, you couldn’t list the amount of things on two hands, or even four. What a twist of fate this has become. You felt like every fiber that made up you had a reason to be sorry. It was parasitic. You couldn’t help but think that you’d mutually been through too much as adolescents. You were a student, focused on big future plans, and he was a career-driven twenty-something year old. You didn’t have time for romance, and frankly, neither did he. But, he was your heroine; the drug that’s too easy to start and too difficult to quit. It was your fault you both got derailed and addicted to the feeling, chasing a high you’d never live down.

Donghyuck briefly turned his head, then looked back to the road, “Y/n, can I ask you something?” He quizzed. You hummed lowly, almost wishing he didn’t hear your approval to go on. “Did we—no, wait—were we on the same page, you know, when we broke up?”

It was so easy for him, huh?

The rain started pouring down metaphorically, soaking you with the doubts that you thought you already casted away, “Wha-what did you mean then?” You swallowed the bile in your throat, “Back then?”

“Did we both want that, for real? Is that what you really thought?”

Your head slightly turned his way but you were too stunned to go any further. So, you opted for looking straight out the windshield, and your cheek found place between your teeth.

“Is that not true?”

He stuttered for a moment, the anticipation killing you. “N-no.” You’d never felt air so cold before, “I thought I told you I haven’t been the same since.” It’s like he knew every way to torture you, to keep you shaking from his side-effects. Because you were so damn affected by him. “You asked me what that meant for us…do you think that maybe we could at least be friends? Because, without you in my life at all, I swear, isn’t what I want.”

“Hyuck,”

“But, I understand that it might be too much. I mean, we used to…you know. I’m sorry, I just—I don’t know what to do.”

Instinctively, your hand reached out and sat against his arm, “You’re rambling.” You cut him off.

“I’m confusing you,” He stated, more to himself than you, “Okay, Y/n. I’m saying I can’t live without you.”

Your eyes went wide. Everything felt like it had started spinning, your stomach (once again), your mind, you were spiraling into a state of oblivion. This was the depths of the ocean, you were sure of that. It was cold and dark and silent, and you felt like you couldn’t breathe without water filling your lungs.

If you didn’t want to know, you shouldn’t have asked. Donghyuck has never had anything to hide from you, and you’ve always known it was only a matter of time until the questions were answered.

“Don’t take me home.” You blurted, and if he wasn’t already at a complete stop, the car probably would’ve jerked, “I can’t be alone, Hyuck.”

You were so tired of feeling so.

It seemed like everything was in the process of crashing down. And you were sick of wishing you could breathe underwater. Everything you thought you knew about yourself was a one-way street that was paved in a straight line but the destination just got further the closer you got.

Were you just losing your mind? You thought that if you screamed, no one would hear you—though it seemed he didn’t need words to. And, isn’t that what you wanted? You guess you better hold your breath and learn to swim.

Otherwise, you’ll drown.

010: I Want You to Sleep Alone, If Not With Me

It wasn’t gone, you hadn’t gotten better. You guess, it was only a matter of time until you finished what you started—for better or for worse. You were both walking a fragile line. One wrong move and you’d topple to opposite sides. But, maybe, strangers were better than lingering friends or reflections of lovers.

You wondered from time to time, if you just deleted his number and pretended he didn’t exist, would it give you the sense of security you desperately craved? Or, did you know what you truly wanted? You couldn’t tell anymore.

Tears, silently, rolled down the side of your face.

Gravity was never something you were fond of; the center of it, the way it holds you down, anything. You were never fond of tearing yourself open, but it’s hard to care when you’re bleeding out.

You weren’t drunk anymore but, part of you wished you still were. Maybe then you wouldn’t be laying on your ex-boyfriends couch crying as he sat on the floor, back to you. You wondered if he noticed (he did), yet, you couldn’t blame him for the internal conflict it caused. How would you react if the roles were reversed? You weren’t even sure what to do, so, how could you even begin to predict his next move, let alone, what was running through his mind?

You two were like a storm cloud over the calm ocean; or a cliff with a deep cavern. You wondered which metaphor suited your failed-relationship best but, reality was, you knew the answer. You knew where you resided. You just wished it was the eye instead of the winds.

He hadn’t spoken another word to you since you laid on the cushions. Truthfully, you don’t remember how you ended up in this position. You don’t remember what possessed him to bring you to his house over any other place—maybe familiarity? Maybe you didn’t want to remember so then you could make up whatever scenario made you feel less for him. You knew you were headed down a one-way street you wouldn’t be able to turn back around on. You had to choose whether to see it through and live with the outcome or hit the brakes.

But, maybe, Hell together was better than Hell alone.

You looked at the blank TV, then down a little to the glass coffee table that had various half-drank water bottles. You wondered if he had someone over. You wondered if she was a better fit for him. You wondered if the cherry in her chapstick tasted better. You wondered if she made him sleep through the night. You wondered who she was.

Or, maybe, you were just delusional. But, jealousy was one Hell of an emotion to play with.

Your voice broke, “Did…you have someone over?”

He didn’t speak for a moment. You could tell he was pondering a response and that made you wonder if it would be the truth.

“Jeno and Aeri came over,” He sighed, “But, don’t get the wrong idea, Y/n. I meant when I said I haven’t been the same. And the thought of anyone else trying to take your spot is…”

You managed to push yourself upright, Donghyuck turning around with the sound of leather against skin. You looked away, to the kitchen; sleek, modern and clean. His mother had been over recently, too, you figured.

You quickly wiped the tears away, hoping—but knowing—he’d already seen them, “You keep saying that,” You mumbled through an exasperated breath, utterly defeated by the past couple hours, “But, what does it mean exactly?”

Again with the question that pissed you off, “What do you want it to mean?” Frustrating you beyond belief. He knew you were barely holding on, your capability to comprehend cryptic words minimal. At the moment, you fought with yelling back at him; it seemingly the only way to get your thoughts across.

Since the first page in the story of your relationship, Donghyuck and you would never yell at each other. And, if you did, it would die just as quickly as it lived. He was good at getting over it and initiating apologies. He knew you hated confrontation and didn’t trigger you. He knew you could work it out civilly, so, why did it seem like fighting was the only option now?

But, at least you were on the same page now.

“Are you making shit up in your head again?” He glanced at the way you were looking away from him, “Don’t do that.”

“I-I’m not making shit up! I’m trying to figure out what you mean, Hyuck!” Sometimes anger, frustration, sadness and everything in between overpowers your better sense of judgment—or maybe you yelled because he knew all the ways to bring you back to Earth.

Sunshine…your sunshine.

“Don’t yell, I know that’s not what you want to do. Let’s not fight.”

“No!” You could feel the fear enter your body, but maybe this is what you wanted from him, “No, Donghyuck. You don’t get to do that.” However, he got harder to read the longer you’d been away.

“Do what?”

You scoffed, “Pretend.”

He looked up at you, the inside of his lip being bitten, “Then neither do you, Y/n. Just fucking say it.”

You, once again, let out an annoyed sound. Why should you—why shouldn’t you? What harm would it really do that’s not already been done? You had already broken up after devoting years of your life to each other. Cut the red string that attached you to him. Hell, a few days ago you two weren’t even on speaking terms.

You guess you owe it all to a fucking hoodie.

It was selfish but, when it came to Donghyuck, that’s all you could be. That’s all you could grasp on to; your jealousy, your envy; for the clothes that got to lay against his skin. For the people who could look at him without feeling vertigo.

You reached the top with him, and now you were holding a stone-heart while sinking towards the ocean floor.

“I want you to sleep alone for the rest of your life…if not with me.”

011: The Very First Page of Lingering Lovers, Not The Last

Lingering lovers. It’s true, you were aching from the first and last time you spoke. However, some time within those painful days, you’ve realized what you failed to see in the past. You understood what you were feeling; under it all you’ve always understood the countless nights that seemingly lead you nowhere. He would always be your Holy Ghost, and that is, to feel it, is the only way to get through it. And, to admit it, only made you better for it in the end.

Of course, you were still the same old you—with the same old patterns. You were about as predictable as rain. However, you didn’t manifest to the moon anymore.

The phrase circled you like a bunch of ghosts you couldn’t fight, much less, banish. The phrase that shouldn’t have left your lips, yet clawed their way to the tip so easily.

You want him to sleep alone for the rest of his life…

Your palm fell flat against your face, your forearm overtaking it after a second. Disappointment collided against the ghastly words, and honestly, it just made you want to pick a side. You’d been playing both the sinner and the saint for so long.

And now, It blew up in your face.

Why’d it have to be so humbling to say exactly what you didn’t mean to say? Drunk words are sober thoughts, except you weren’t drunk anymore. And, you feared that was no excuse.

If not with you.

You sat up, almost brutally slow, a pained groan leaving your lips as you felt sweat drip from your body. You fought with texting Alexa but you knew she had gone out the night before, her makeup still in your bathroom—actually, she was probably still dancing away, or at Chenle’s house by now. You couldn’t hate her for living the life you both promised but, she’d never had someone reach so deep and tangle her wires like Donghyuck did you.

You were better after the fall, you knew you were, but that didn’t stop the tears from pricking your eyes. He’s still everything you’ve ever wanted.

You felt the cold paneling press against the soles of your feet, the image of something grabbing your ankles flashing through your mind. Then, you made your way to the bathroom, carving out the same path like clockwork. Déjà vú was all you saw in the person staring back at you—your wretched reflection.

You know it’s said that pain won’t last forever but you were so lonely it hurt. And, the swirling thoughts made the hauntings worse.

You scoffed at the tears that rolled down your cheeks, “You’re so fucking ugly when you cry,” You mumbled as you practically slapped the tears away, “Always crying for someone who doesn’t give a fuck about you anymore. Losing all your goddamn friends, for what? Fucking snap out of it!”

You didn’t realize you had your phone clenched in your fist until the buzz caught your attention. Your heart rose into your throat and sank to the floor all at once. Before you could even comprehend who it was, you brought it up to your ear, quickly answering.

The voice stuttered, like they were convinced you wouldn’t pick up at this hour. And, honestly, you couldn’t even blame them.

A breath left your lips, and slowly they started to speak, “Y/n? Why are you awake?”

Your head cocked subconsciously, “Why’d you call if you didn’t want me to answer?”

“Can I be honest?” He sighed, and you hummed in response, “I just wanted to hear your voicemail.”

And, suddenly, it was silent. It made you wonder if everything you’d been thinking for the last month was untrue. Maybe he did mean it when he said that he wanted you in his life, even if not romantically. And, now you’re starting to think you meant what you’d said a little more than you thought.

You were believing more and more that you were going to die on this ocean floor but your mermaid potions at ten never worked.

“Wh-why?” You need to hear it—you need him to say the words you’ve craved so desperately, “Why’d you call me, Donghyuck?” And, maybe he was just a couple inches away, filling his lungs with water just as much as you were.

“I don’t know, honestly. I don’t know why I did it. It was just too late when it started ringing. I know you would’ve freaked out if I hung up, especially this late. I j-just didn’t think you’d answer, so I let it ring…a-and maybe, maybe I wanted you to answer.” Your tears remained silent but by no means slowed. “Y/n…I can’t stomach you loving someone else.”

Your stomach replaced your heart, the bile burning your esophagus as it rose. Sure, you knew you needed to hear it put simply, but it didn’t stop you from feeling sick and used. He had count of your scars and knew just what strings to pull to make them all reopen.

The cold cup of coffee you kept reheating, vowing to drink it.

The sequence of events was like an acid trip. Headlights shined through the windshield, blinding you, but only until it passed in the opposite direction. Where you were headed was also a blur. However, it was only a few minutes away in reality. Your brain was swirling with the ghosts you so inconsistently wished you could get rid of. The ghouls that made fun of your state, slurring your questions and thoughts together until eventually it'd drive you crazy.

Your eyes felt heavy, the edge of the road seemed so easy to collide with, though you didn't shift the wheel like it screamed for you to do.

You pulled into a familiar driveway, the lights of your car illuminating a very monotonously looking man—face frowning and hands together. In reality, you wondered if you looked the same. Two reflected souls tethered together so tightly.

In reality, it was a once in a lifetime event. A supermoon. The dying of a star. An eclipse. A supernova that would consume everything around it.

Cold as the air was, your skin felt hot when they collided. You closed the door lightly, the noise making his body shift to face you. You knew you couldn't escape your history by burying what you didn't want to remember, because even fossils can be rediscovered. And, heartbreak didn't have to be messy, but looking at his face close up again made you think it ought to be for it to stick. It's true, you loved him to death. You just feared that that would be the death of you.

You hated how indebted to his shadow you actually were.

As if the mood couldn’t further, droplets started to paint the sweatshirt you hadn’t gotten the chance to take off. The realization sunk in, and the nausea came back. It’s crazy what a piece of fabric did to you—for you—swinging the door right off its hinges, you couldn’t even close it now if you tried.

You were two people holding onto what you lost, and maybe you could meet again down the line.

Maybe it’d be different this time.

"I've missed you so fucking much, Hyuck."

He slightly motioned for the front door, looking up at the crying sky, "Why don't we go inside, pl—"

"No, I'm not going inside." You shook your head lightly, looking down at the pavement, "I'm sorry but I need to stay out here and keep my head clear. Just for a second."

You couldn’t tell if the rain had just fallen onto his skin or if he was crying, and honestly, you couldn’t tell if you were as well. All you did know was that your emotions were fighting a vigorous battle against each other right now—a battle you were no longer good or evil in.

“I love you so much…” He grabbed your face like he was about to plead you to change your mind, “I’ve loved you since that stupid day we streamed The Sims together, Y/n, please. I can’t lose you.”

There was no one better. He was your redemption. He was your eternal sunshine. He was between every shade of black and white. No matter how many bridges you burnt, he’d build another just to get back to you.

Your past, present and future life.

“Please,” You just couldn’t let him go, no matter how hard you fucking tried, “Don’t leave me alone again, Hyuck.”

He pressed his lips to yours and it’s like the world stopped moving. If your life was a puzzle, then he was the missing piece. He was the X that marked the spot. He was the ghost that haunted you and will always remain as a stain on your heart.

But, even ghosts can move on into the afterlife.

🐻📦ˊˎ- since i just neglected to post the chapters, i made it a long-fic instead. this is just part one still though! also, this was kinda proof read, so, sorry for mistakes lolz

𝔱ags┊@kstrucknet @k-films @blossomnet @starlit-network @neocity-net @bbangbies @blue-jisungs @hhaechansmoless @dinonuguaegi @worldwidecutiemaya @chenlezip @nctrawberries @mmjjh1998 @luvs4haechan @nctfreak @hyuckluvr-com @cookiehaos @kiszjuli @yesohhsehun @spacejip @bettyschwallocksyee @desssss-0 @nctubatu | fill out form to added for part two

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