#stantzler

“Suck in the guts, guys, we’re the Ghostbusters.”

Venkman’s words from earlier in the day rang in Ray’s head. Nonstop. Not even the haze Vigo the so-called Destroyer threw Ray in fully distracted him from the comment.

When Ray had first met Venkman and Egon, he wasn’t anywhere near familiar with the idea of body image. He was an average guy, and let’s face it, men, let alone average men, could often go about their days without facing half the pressure women had to stay in shape. But as they all got older, finished their degrees, got jobs, lost jobs, gained addictions, had breakups, etc, etc, their bodies all seemed to fall into their own category. 

Though Egon remained a looming figure, he still matured. And while Venkman had gained some weight, Ray didn’t feel as though it was near where he was. Venkman carried himself with so much confidence that it felt like it wouldn’t even matter if Peter did weigh as much as Ray. Winston was no help either. He could be on every poster in Gold’s Gym if he wanted to.

The only thing that ever seemed to distract Ray from his own body was either near death experiences with ghosts, and his partner, Egon. Being with Egon counted as a distraction from everything, even when they were handling what Ray was distracted from. Egon considered it a scientific anomaly that Ray could be that comfortable and lost in la la land after being with Egon for so long.

The unfortunate part about being with someone for so long, is that they learn to read your every move.

“Ray?” Cue Egon.

“Huh? Oh,” Ray awoke from his self deprecating trance, “Sorry, today really took it out of me y’know?”

“Going to the museum and doing tests for roughly five minutes took it out of you?”

Ray could only look at Egon with the ‘I know you know, drop the schtick already’ face.

“Ray,” Egon started, “Listen if it was Peter’s comment from ear-”

“It’s nothing. I’m tired,” In a huff, Ray got up and went up to his bed in the firehouse. A rare sight for Ray to huff away, especially from Egon.

“Ray!” Egon went after him right as he ran into Peter.

“Where ya goin’ Egon? Is your pink, slimy lover calling you?” Peter said with a shit eating grin.

“Not now,” Egon pushed past him and continued his chase.

“Hey! Yeah I don’t wanna know what you did with that stuff anyways!” Peter refused to ever let anyone get the last word in.

Egon reached the top of the stairs and stopped to take a breath, slicking his hair back. The years were starting to catch up, and the few grey strands made it all the more obvious. Egon rested his hand on the door knob before realizing he should knock. He raised his hand.

“You can come in,” Egon’s hand fell and he opened the door. He took one step in and saw Ray scribbling some stuff down in a notebook while reading out of one of his many books. Both his book and notebook lay flat on the table. Ray may have been one of the more emotional Ghostbusters, however he was just as good at hiding it as everyone else.

“Ray, do you wanna talk about it?”

“If you’re talking about what I’m writing down, not really. It’s very much textbook stuff. Wouldn’t interest you. Just writing down ideas for a lead I have.”

In an instant Egon shut the book on Ray’s table and picked it up as he slid in its place, sitting on the table, looking down to Ray. Ray pretended not to notice him. Egon slipped his hand under Ray’s chin and softly lifted it up to look at him.

“Raymond,” Egon hummed, “I know you, and I’m not leaving this room till you talk to me.”

Ray shut his notebook and stood up, walking over to his bed to sit down. Egon followed him, yet remained standing. Egon didn’t plan on dashing out, but he felt as though he could focus more while on his feet.

Ray exhaled, “You were right. It was Peter’s comment at the museum. The one about uhh. The one about,” the comment was a bit tough for Ray to finish.

“The one about us sucking in our guts.”

“Yeah. Look, Egie, you're the only one that knows how much I care about that stuff, and I’d like it to stay that way, but sometimes it just really gets to me. Which, you know very well already,” Egon simply nodded and sighed. “Well when he said that, it was in front of so many people and there was already so much going on and I just felt and still feel completely embarrassed.”

“Peter’s jokes are always at our expense but no one takes him seriously. And if it helps, it’s New York, nobody there remembers that happening. Ray, they probably have forgotten by now that we were even there.”

“I suppose you’re right, but still it’s just another reminder about my body.”

Egon didn’t know how to respond. Anything he could say, he’s said before, and he felt like Ray just wasn’t in the mood at this point. No ‘you look great’, ‘Peter’s just stupid’, or ‘God you turn me on,’ could get Ray out of his funk this time.

The silence quickly filled the room and Ray just stared at his feet, refusing to look up out of fear that he would cry as soon as he saw Egon. Something had to be done though. Egon is usually fine with awkward silence, but when it came to Ray, he needed to step up, and he knew it. 

Egon shifted to sit by Ray and every step felt like his feet were cemented to the ground. He finally made it to the bed, and sat down, noticing Ray turn his head to look further away. Egon’s hand shook as he slowly raised his arm to wrap it around Ray. He let it fall and in doing so he felt Ray relax, exhaling and melting into Ray. Egon pretended to not notice Ray’s soft tummy push forward as he exhaled. He was happy just knowing he was that comfortable around him.

They sat in the hug for a bit before Egon noticed Ray’s breathing pattern change followed by a wet spot on his shirt, below his collar. Ray was crying, and Egon really didn’t know what to do now. He just stayed where he was, hugging Ray. He would occasionally shift to pat Ray’s hair or rub his back, but for nearly five minutes, they stayed like that.

Ray’s crying lightened as they naturally fell, slowly, to lay down. Ray lifted his head from Egon’s chest to look at him, tears and a bit of snot still dripping from his face. Egon wiped the tears from Ray’s eyes and gave a little half smirk to say ‘it’s okay, you’re okay’. Ray sniffled the trace amounts of snot back up.

“Are you okay?” Egon finally figured out what to say.

“Yeah, I think so.” They stared into each other’s eyes for a bit. It was their way of nonverbally saying how grateful they were for each other in the moment. Just to pause, and stare at the eyes that you are lucky to have in your life. 

They never spoke about what they were thinking whenever they did this, but it was always very similar to one another. Ray was usually happy he was lucky enough to find a colleague that he loved so much. In this moment, he was happy he found someone that really understood him and never joked about his insecurities or emotions.

Egon usually felt lucky to have someone so patient and close. In this moment, he was just admiring the eyes attached to the most beautiful and handsome person he knew. He was willing to lay there for hours if it helped Ray. Deep down, he knew  he would stay in that bed with Ray even if Vigo tore New York apart. Some Ghostbuster, huh.

“You must think I’m so silly sometimes. Like a teenage girl. What kind of thirty-five year old man pouts about his weight?”

“Lots of them, Ray.” Once again silence as they both thought about all the times they’ve heard men, even Peter and Winston, complain about their bodies.

“Huh. I guess you’re right.”

“Sorry if this offends you, Ray, but have you ever considered that it’s your genetics? That you are meant to naturally look like this?”

“I’m sorry?” Ray cocked a brow and turned his head.

“Raymond, I have to remind you to eat on a daily basis, and by the time I do it’s usually past eight. You have a physically demanding job, and when you do eat, you seem very conscious of what you’re eating. Meanwhile, I eat terribly and I’ve maintained close to the same weight these past five years.”

“No need to rub it in.”

“No, I meant-”

“I know what you meant. And I have thought about it. It’s most likely true and the thought does give me more comfort but at this point the other thoughts are pretty lodged in there. I’m trying to work on it, I swear.”

“Okay.” Sometimes Egon didn’t know what to say, but he was often spot on when it came to ending the conversation. 

Some time passed again as they laid in that bed discussing their theories on what they gathered at the museum earlier.

“Winston mentioned that while in your trance you had- shit.”

“No I didn’t,” Ray chuckled at his own smartass comment,

“No, like, shit. Neither of us had a decent meal today.”

“Oh…yeah.”

“You can pick,” Egon surrendered, “I think you earned it the most out of the two of us today,” silence, “So…Chinese?”