Jason Whitlock = Fucked Buttholes: An Explanation.
I don't believe I'm giving some thinkpiece-defining hot take or making a novel/insightful observation by saying that shit is real right now.
Forreal forreal.
Political gamesmanship at the expense of communities of color, a rugged individualist society that collects guns like Taylor Swift collects participation awards of victimhood, and a country in which the promotion of state-owned media is buoyed by chants of 'fake news' just doesn't allow one to focus on the artisanal-grade fuckshit as one would otherwise. Which is why I'm officially endorsing the throwing of hot cheddar grits on anything Jason Whitlock has to say.
Scour local businesses to see which offer the best services regarding exorcising the opinions of a self-hating coon whose appearance would be more appropriate for a troll blocking the protagonist from crossing a bridge unless he can solve three riddles in a Disney cartoon.
Check your tv listings in anticipation of any one of his programs so that you have the forenotice to devour as much coffee, casserole, and Breyers ThickWhip Ice Cream so that when his program airs, you'll have the equivalent of a XXXtenTacion concert happening in your intestines and can drown out his nonsense with an unending stream of shit. I've tried this, and I guarantee you that you'd be hard pressed to discern a difference between the symphony of bowels hitting your toilet bowl and what this man is paid to say on a daily basis.
Attend the last thirty minutes of a 4th grade Social Studies lesson to attain a more functional working knowledge of the disruptive potential of using a highly visible public figure's platform for political protest. Once you've attained this knowledge, disregard it by filling a tube sock with frozen sweet potatoes stand menacingly outside of ESPN's headquarters while swinging it in a counter clockwise motion.
I understand that some, if not all, of these suggestions border on the obscene if not felonious. Let me be clear: while this man's ideals merit no more compassion than a Cobra Kai in the dick allows, that is no endorsement of assaulting his physical person. The purpose of this piece is meant to illustrate the absolute intolerance of someone psychologically compelled to be White America's 'Black Friend.' So much so that you will go through comically inept lengths to invalidate, mock, and undermine an empirically capable athlete and human being's silent, peaceful protests that highlight a societal ill that has existed long before Whitlock's misinformed, unripe pomegranate shaped ass had something to say.
With that disclaimer out of the way, feel free to hack into all of his social media accounts and replace every picture, post, and video present with that of fucked buttholes, You know, as a visual metaphor for the origin of everything he says and thinks.
