#squirrel's art

swear to dogs, but it's always some damned thing

i don't know. it's just been a kind of crummy couple of weeks of things just not really working out despite spending a lot of energy to get them moving. which, i suppose, a chunk of time of petty failures is maybe better than a couple of catastrophic failures, but it all just feels like a wash in the end.

i've been so tired lately. like, tired to the point where i'm wondering if i should be concerned about how tired i've been. some of that is just the sleep i've been getting has been deep, but also short and very broken. but i'm tired to the point where i've been having periods of vertigo and almost falling over, and that can't be good. i did manage to take an honestly pretty impressive spill a couple of days ago, but i think that was just the brutal physics interaction of moving a bit at speed and there being not nearly enough space behind the counters at work. scraped a decent swatch of skin off my arm, and it spend a couple of days wiv that tacky, sticky, not bleeding so as you'd get a real scab on it, but still pumping out protective glorp over the whole assembly kind of deal? it was gross.

don't know why i'm having such a time finding a clinic that's not specifically a men's clinic for electrolysis that will give me some kind of straightforward answer about how much things are going to cost so we can get started on that, and that's hecking frustrating.

yeah

well, it took a hot minute, but we finally got one that's pretty much all chipper?

i don't know if it's from quitting smoking, and if it is if it's actually, like, the chemistry changes from that, or if it's just the "wow, i'm doing a thing i've wanted to for a long time that's really hard, but it feels like i'll be successful this go" feeling of accomplishment, but i have been in a really good mood these past few weeks. Which is tempered by poor sleep, and a work sitch that isn't very good, but is still very much a good mood. It's weird. Good weird, not bad weird, but still definitely weird.

i am going to have to start wiv electrolysis for the face. whatever magick the lasers worked seems to have passed now; i'm not hairy-hairy, but it's definitely "oh, this is a noticeable amount of stubble that's not getting sorted by the electric shaver, and dang it's making me uncomfortable" hours. which, like, we had that first session in what? October? feels like the effects should have lasted more than five, six months, but what do i know i guess?

i swear these will even out and get less shitty, like, eventually.

i say i don't know why my mental health has been so crummy recently, but it's more that i don't know the specific things that have set off the most obvious bits of crisis. there's plenty of amorphous background crud bubbling around that it probably only takes any little extra thing to make a whole huge suppurating mess.

i am at least working to clear out some bits and pieces. the not smoking thing is a part of that. i don't know that it'll actually address the problems i think it's connected to, but it can't really hurt, and the extra money will certainly help. well, i guess the disappointment would hurt pretty bad if it doesn't have any of the effect i'm hoping for, but i'll just have to burn that bridge when i get to it really.

gonna be doing a whole massive apartment cleaning today, or at least as much of one as i have stomach for. it's been... shite... a while? since i last did much any kind of cleaning at all, and it's stopped looking like i've dust on my floors, and more like sand? dirt? i really need to call in and get some of the larger garbage picked up. i'm pretty sure i can afford it, and a broken tv, fan, and space heater, like that all just takes up a lot of room i can't really afford to give away. i honestly ought to get rid of my old suitcase while i'm at it, but there's always the worry i might have to go somewhere some day?

i did see some places saying if you're meaning it as a swamp or mire it's pronounced "slew," but there seemed to be some disagreement there, so <shrug> fuck English really.

i don't know, things are not great on a personal level, but they've been a lot worse, and i'm largely ok. so having basically everything else on fire leaves a gal feeling pretty weird about things.

i don't usually talk-talk politics-politics, because there are many, many people who are better positioned to do it, and throwing my hat in feels like a distraction at best, but sometimes things are just so turbo fucked that to not say anything at all feels all kinds of wrong?

may i introduce to you the roaring kitty

it's real weird to think i've done a year's worth of these; i think i've earned a bit of a break.

everything's been a whole kind of mess the last few weeks. mentioned a bit back that Davinci shat the bed, except it turns out it was some other key component. took about a week, almost every night, on call wiv @soupum trying to diagnose and de-fuck whatever was wrong. the best we could come up wiv was at least the laptop itself, hardware-wise, isn't fucked, but Davinci's off the board for now. which sucks; i'd gotten pretty used to it, and it had a really nice thing where you could isolate an area for chroma key that i haven't figured out wiv my new editor ('s why the colours on the trans clock are all fucked up). on the other hand, the render times on this one are whippet-quick, so if i /do/ figure out a good method for chroma, this is probably going to be my baby.

i need to emphasize and re-iterate, Soup's efforts have been herculean, and his generosity monumental here. i really don't know how i lucked out to have someone so deeply kind and giving in my life, and i very much want to have a care not to abuse that kindness.

life is weird. like i say in the video, i've kind of transitioned? like as a past tense concept? at least in the sense that i've accomplished everything i set my heart on as far as goals that was actually something i could do wiv the means to my disposal. so now, here i am finally at the starting line of the rest of my life as myself, and there's a lot there i'd like to unpack, and the world i expect will give me little time to do so.

that's pretty much everything, at least aside from a hearty "fuck the US and everything it stands for," but i feel like i've made my feelings there pretty clear in the past. i suppose if nothing else, all of this (one hopes, but i thought the same during the 2020 George Floyd protests) should expose ourselves to ourselves. To make manifest just what we have been doing not only domestically, but internationally. All this shite is just bringing what we've done abroad back to our own doorsteps. i don't know. i try to be hopeful that this will be a real reckoning. i guess we'll just see.

anyhoot, i made up some channel info bumpers for stream. did the whole screentear effect by hand in LBP, and i think it turned out pretty nice. so have that as a bonus or something.