You cannot save him.

Suddenly, the whole sea around them rumbled. Squid Baron's head was all aglow with soft orange light, vibrating and bouncing faster and faster, until his riders could barley hold onto their saddle.

Out of nowhere the red, bulbous ball of rubber stretched high enough to blot out the sun, and his tentacles...once merely 8 in number...had multiplied, extended to a much greater length than his head, grown thick with muscle. Laid end-to-end, from the tips of his arms to the top of his head, this newly-formed Squid Baron would have even dwarfed the Empress Siren in size.

“Whoa! That’s no Squid Baron…that’s a Kraken Baron!” Rottytops yelped.

“HA HA HA HA!! Check me out now, ladies!” The Squid Baron’s greatly-deepened voice shook the ships and rattled the skyline. “Who’s a ‘filler boss’ now?! Not this guy! I’m the Final Boss I always wanted to be!”

“What happened to him?!” Sky was more grossed-out than afraid.

“Nice, right?” the Ammo Baron laughed in reply. “It’s amazing what some half-genies’ll do for a couple bucks!”

“Ok, Squiddy…” began Twitch, striking a pose.

“…pick ‘em up!” finished Vinegar.

A hail of blood-red arms rained down and battered the deck of the ship. The Squid’s increased number of limbs slithered down along the floorboards, reaching for any stray arm or leg they could find, and…aha! found another one…yanked their prey into the air. The pirates and heroes all dove for cover, but one by one they were all snatched. Just as Bolo flew into the rafters with a loud holler, another tentacle reached for Rottytops.

“Heeyah!” The zombie girl swung her leg around to kick the grabby Baron, but his hide was too tough…as soon as her foot struck, the force reverberated through her, and her whole limb popped off and flew across the deck.

Oops.

Rotty’s eyes bulged just in time for her to get a good view of her impending makeout session with the mottled floor. She squeaked at the impact. Before her leg could even attempt crawling back to her, both pieces of her body were hauled skyward by the cackling Squid.

“Put me down you, gross weirdo!” Rottytops wailed.

Soon, everyone was in the air, held over the ship, but Risky herself…and Shantae…were nowhere to be seen. They had ran.

"Got 'em!" Vinegar shouted in triumph.

"Woohoo!" Twitch thrilled at watching them struggle.

“Ok! Ok! Drumroll!” called out the Ammo Baron. “Ready…

....aim…

...TICKLE!”

One of the mutant Squid Baron’s tendrils reached down and began to wiggle near Bolo’s armpit. He didn’t resist for long.

“PppfffHa-Haaaa! Woo-Hoo! Haha!” Bolo cackled.

“AH!! Heheh-Heheh Heh! *gasp* Aheh-Heh! Ah-Heh! Ha-Ha Ha-Ha Ha!” Rottytops shrieked and burst into giggles. One slimy tentacle was poking around the zombie girl’s belly button...this is soooo gross!! she thought. And another one had pulled the boot from Rotty’s detached leg and was going after her foot.

“Wait…wait-Eh; Ha-Ha Ha!” yelped Bolo.

“Heh, Haha-Ha-Ha Ha! Wre…Wrench, Heh-Heh-Help!!” Sky cried out. She struggled to push the monster Baron’s arms away, but they all kept shoving until they forced their way into the bird-trainer’s shirt, squeezing mercilessly around her ribcage.

“Ha-Haaaaa, Ha!” bellowed the Ammo Baron from atop his unconventional steed. "Now the Battery is mine!"

They might have been left out of the “action,” but Twitch and Vinegar were dying from laughter of their own - the mischievous mechanics found themselves reduced to hysterics, watching their boss’ foes tickle-tortured into submission. The pair nearly slipped and fell off the Squid Baron’s round dome, so overcome were they with sadistic glee.

Slowly, a creaky, upturned lifeboat lifted itself off the deck of the ship…barely a few inches. None of the villains could possibly have seen it. There, hiding from sight and forced to watch Shantae’s friends suffer, were the Pirate Queen and the half-genie hero herself.

“Gah…quit shoving! He’ll see us!” whispered Risky angrily, elbowing Shantae in the shoulder.

“Are you happy now, Risky?!” Shantae hissed back. “He was following you this whole time! This is why you don't steal from people! Just look what he’s doing to your crew!! Don't you care?!”

Risky looked out at the spectacle. Among his field of laughing victims, the Squid Baron was holding a few Tinkerbats aloft and relentlessly attempting to tickle them too, but the little minions just hung there and blinked stupidly. It wasn’t exactly a moving sight.

Still, Risky expressed a heavy sigh and squeezed her eyes tightly.

“Ugh…look, I’m sorry. I didn’t want all of you guys to get mixed up in this,” she grumbled. The attempt to be nice was killing her. But she knew Shantae was her only chance at stopping this guy. Outside their hermit hole, Risky could hear the Barons’ victims continue to cackle themselves silly.

“Heheh-Heheh Haha! *gasp* AAAHHH! *gasp* Aha-Ha Ha-Ha! Make it stop! Make it stop!” squealed Rottytops. The tips of the Squid’s tentacles dug into the arches of her green-skinned feet and were tickling her mercilessly.

“Pffff! Heh-HA-Ha-Haaaaa; Heehee-Hee!” Bolo had a loud, raspy belly laugh, despite not actually being all that ticklish.

“Nnnn…this is so wrong! I’m so ticklish I can’t even watch!” Shantae confessed, shivering. Risky tried not to look too sympathetic, even as a bead of sweat trickled out of her bandana.

But suddenly, the two heard another voice.

“Hey! Look who’s hiding down there!!” The Ammo Baron?

“Oh no,” Risky gulped.

Blazing light spilled down onto their backs as their protective shell of a dinghy was pried away. Risky leapt up and drew her cutlass, but was unable to stave off the monster’s limbs. Before she and Shantae could react, they were scooped up by the Squid and held aloft, high among the sails.

“Gahhh, let us go!”

“Now tickle ‘em!” the Ammo Baron called, and his new partner obeyed.

“AAAHHH; HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA!!! Oho Ho-Ho Ha-Ha Ha!! Stop! STOP IT!” Risky Boots immediately began to scream. A tentacle was writhing all over her pale lavender tummy, in every tender spot it could find, poking between each one of her ribs and making her flail like a crab stuck on its back. Under that haughty exterior, the Pirate Queen was deathly ticklish, and even the smallest touches brought tears to her eyes as she laughed uncontrollably.

Snaking red tubes encircled Shantae’s limbs too, pulling her in all directions, and wiggled behind her knees. They prodded her hips, dug into her armpits, and even tickled between her toes when her shoe fell off.

“Ha-Ha Ha, Ha-AAAAH, Hihih-Haha Ha-Ha! *gasp* Heehee! AH-Ha Ha-Ha Ha! Ok, I give up! Uncle! Uncle!” the poor half-genie cried out in laughter.

The crystal ball in her pocket crackled.

“Uhhh, yes? What is it?” Uncle Mimic responded.

The heroes and their villain were all driven to utterly helpless hysterics. There wasn't a ship around for miles, and Shantae's crew had failed to bring any pike balls or thunder clouds, or anything that might actually be useful in stopping a massive tickle-monster octopus at the behest of a crazy general with a grudge. Risky knew, as a feeling like hot sandpaper ground the inside of her heaving lungs, that she would have to surrender.

But unbeknownst to everyone else, Wrench had listened. And he had a plan.

The Squid Baron, while his arms held his tickle toys aloft, was slowly drifting in circumference around the modest Tinkertug. He'd started to port side of the deck, shimmied his way around the bow, and was now on the other side. All Wrench had to do was wait until they got into position.

The bird let out a determined cawww! and flew in a high arc. His aerial dance caught the eyes of the two Barons, but they merely snorted. After all, what could a pet bird possibly do without his size-changing caramel? Another one of the squid's mighty arms mockingly lashed out at the little blue creature, but he skillfully zipped between them and crashed through the window of Risky's cabin.

It was a bit of a pigsty, strewn with god-knows-how-many neglected maps, charts, books, and cracked treasure chests. Far too much space was devoted to a fancy bathtub. But there was also a crude little device...something like a TV remote, sitting beside Risky's desk.

It was a booby-trap the pirate had pulled on Wrench's pursuits many times before. With a push of the button, three panels opened up in the floor of the cabin. Gears below deck clunked and whirred as they slowly hoisted hidden platforms into the room.

And when he saw what had happened, as he rounded the windows, the Squid Baron’s maniacal laugh disappeared. Three massive cannons were pointed directly at his face. And there was Wrench, holding the detonator in his beak.

“Oh, poop-nuggets.”

KA-BLAM!!!

The fiery belch of the ship’s guns threw Ammo Baron and his minions onto the deck. Recoiling in a white flash of damage, Squid Baron dropped his victims on top of his employers and zipped backwards in the water.

“NOOOO!” the great boss monster bellowed. “But I already sent 8x10 glossies of my gorgeous new body out to the merchandise people!!! T-shirts…drink coasters…decorative toaster cozies!!!!”

Flashing white and spilling sparks everywhere, the Squid Baron's massive form didn't explode, but popped like a balloon, revealing his original body underneath, hanging in the air behind Risky's ship.

"Uh-oh."

With those undignified final words, the octopus plummeted down like a rock and disappeared beneath the waves.

Back on the deck, the Ammo Baron groaned. He rubbed his large, singular eyelid in pain, followed by Twitch and Vinegar. They could still feel the heat of the explosion on their backs. Their world was dizzy and silent. Until a sharp glint of light, hanging onto a curved blade, pounded into wood and sliced off the end of the Baron's goatee. The three gradually stirred and looked up to find themselves surrounded...Shantae, her friends, Risky, and the Tinkerbats were all furious, and waiting.

"So..." Risky began, smirking. "...what should we do with you?"

-------

“GAHHH! GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!!” roared the Ammo Baron.

“Sorry, Baron! No more room up top!” Sky replied in a mocking, sing-songy tone.

Wrench had, with the help of some extra salted caramel, returned to massive size once more, and was eagerly carrying his owner and her friends over the sea. Sun was setting, and the salty ocean air had withered down to a breeze. The Ammo Baron, however, was uncomfortably tied to Wrench’s breast like the figurehead of a ship, his legs dangling awkwardly into the clouds. Every couple of seconds, the extra weight caused Wrench to dip slightly, and the cycloptic warlord screamed like a girl.

“I still think we should’ve stuck a fishtail and a clamshell bra on him,” Rottytops mused.

“Hey, Baron! You better hold still down there…” Shantae warned him. “After all…”

Against his better judgment, the Ammo Baron looked down at the solid mile between him and the sharp rocks.

“…Wrench is ticklish too!”

Twitch and Vinegar, on the other hand, found themselves tied to the mast of Risky’s ship. Shantae had promised her eternal rival to look the other way and let her exact all the revenge she wanted…in exchange for the Shock Battery. To her great surprise, it was a price that Risky had been willing to pay.

Night had fully fallen as the ship drifted back toward Scuttle Town. Tinkerbats swung like monkeys from the lanterns.

“Grrr…you better let us go or our boss is gonna come after you!” Vinegar snapped. Twitch spit aggressively on the floor.

But Risky merely smirked.

“Oh, old Ammo is gonna be busy for a while. You’re stuck with me til I get back to town, sweeties.”

Twitch & Vinegar could feel all the Tinkerbats lazily eyeing them up.

“…so what are you gonna do with us?” Twitch demanded. Both girls were simultaneously angry and nervous, and it showed. Knowing Risky, they expected something humiliating…probably a grandiose bad-guy speech to go along with it…but the Pirate Queen didn’t say anything. She stepped forward, leaned down, playfully cradled Vinegar’s chin in her hand, and smiled that damn arrogant smile.

From under her tricorn, she pulled out a long, soft-looking red feather, and just waved it back and forth in the dancing firelight.

The blondes looked horrified.

“…no…y-you wouldn’t…” stammered Vinegar.

--------

None of the mermaids in their nearby coves got any sleep that night. All throughout the evening, they swore they could hear what sounded like loud shrieks of laughter coming from above the water.