This is based on the bits and pieces I’ve seen about the last episode on my dash around Abigail plot. Here’s Eddie’s in very mild peril. Just under 1000 words. I have no title for it. Im happy to have found some words and now I’m writing more on a smutty Hollanov follow up to the extended hospital scene wrote. Mind is also thinking about my anon prompts 😁
“You don’t want me because you’re in love with her.”
It's hard to concentrate on the words with the flash of silver waving erratically in the air between them.
"Her? Her who?” The question is necessary because Eddie thinks he’s going mad. He doesnt even know any woman at this point in his life.
This whole situation is insane. How has he gotten here. He was only trying to help a kid who reminded him a little of himself. Someone lost in a world their parents created for them not one they chose themself.
"Her!" Abigail shouts the word as if it'll make sense now.
It doesn't.
"Look…. I don’t know who you’re talking about…”
Hands up, gentle, placating Eddie does his best not to shout back, to stay calm and remember she’s just a kid; a scared, sad, confused kid but even if that's true he’s getting scared too. He's just glad he's home on his own right now. He wants Chris nowhere near this mess. The "misunderstanding" about giving Christopher a lift home had been bad enough, a misunderstanding that meant he didn't know where his son was for far too long, a misunderstanding that had left him in a blind panic. Now the girl responsible for that chaos is back and saying she loves him.
He'd let her in even when he knew it was a mistake but he hadn't wanted to be rude and he still wanted to help.
The unexpected declaration in his kitchen had sent a chill through him, his shock and inadequate response to it had lead to Abigail's hope transforming to embarrassment and then despair in seconds.
It was at that point she'd grabbed the kitchen knife that he'd left on the table and now he's trying to talk some sense into her and get everyone out of this in one piece.
"Her! That that Alex woman. She tried to get rid of me so she could have you and you want her back ! It's not fair!"
The last few words break his heart and remind him again that's she's just a lost hurt kid, much younger than her years. In that way quite the opposite of his own teenage experiences.
"That's not true. I I don't want her I don't even know her. We've met a few times, that all."
She makes a harsh noise;
"I don't believe you! She's pretty and smart. You were standing next to her and she smiled at you. You even have your work in common! Why wouldn't you want to be with her."
Eddie blinks, astounded by the criteria required to apparently fall for some stranger. The stress and surrealness of it all is probably why he says what he does. That and it's been on his mind more and more recently.
"I don't even like women that much! I really don't want to date one right now."
The knife tip drops along with Abigail's mouth.
"You're lying! You had a wife, you have a son."
"I know. Doesn't mean I'm lying. Doesn't mean I'm not.."
He can't say it like this- not outloud for the first time now and anyway he doesn't even know what word to use- queer is the best he's been able to settle on. He just knows he doesn't want to date woman because he's already in love with someone he had learnt long ago that he shouldn't ever admit to being in love with.
He sighs heavily, now really isn't the time but maybe the truth will get him somewhere with this girl.
"Look I'm not lying about that, I really don't want a girlfriend. I haven't wanted a girlfriend for a long time because I have been lying about something."
She frowns at him and he takes a step closer while the danger is pointing towards the floor.
"I think I've been lying my whole life - to my family, to my friends, to myself and to the man I'm in love with."
Her eyes loose focus and he can tell she's thinking, looking back and seeing if she can work it out. Who it is, she does too quickly for comfort. Her voice is hushed but kit angry anymore.
"The other firefighter- the one with the curly hair. He was nice to me too."
So Eddie admits it for the first time to the most unlikely person on earth- a distraught confused and abused teenager looking for a family in all the wrong ways and places.
"Yes. Him. Buck. His name's Buck. He doesn't know."
She sobs, a terrible heartbroken sound that's followed by the sound of his kitchen knife hitting the floor.
Eddie moves quickly kicks the knife away and wraps his arms around her as she repeats a single thing over and over.
"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry."
He knows she is, knows it's over now , that it was just a desperate moment of misplaced hope.
"It's not your fault."
He whispers the words into the air as she sobs into his shirt and tries to explain something he already understands.
"I just wanted someone to love me so I could love them back. I'm sorry."
The apology repeats and repeats. It's heartbreaking when the family you're given fails you in so many ways.
"I know, but it's not your fault they were like that."
There's a long path of healing ahead of this child but he thinks she'll be ok if she tries and she lets people help her.
She's still crying when a tear slips down his own cheek and he whispers something that needs to be said.
"Just like what happened to me wasn't my fault either."
She doesn't hear him and she probably wouldn't understand but it feels good to say it anyway. It's something that he needed to say and he might actually belive it too right biw, which is new and it means he's taken another step closer to where he wants to be.
"Eddie!!"
Abigail flinches at the new voice and the panic in it. It's Buck - he must have gotten his 911 text and has just arrived to help.
Abigail steps away from him.
"He doesn't know?"
A moment of fear seizes him as he shakes his head.
She nods, sad but no longer desperate and he relaxes.
Buck is charging through his house, shouting so he calls out some reassurance.
"Maybe you should think about telling him."
He thinks about it everyday actually. Everyday and who knows maybe one day he just might do it.
Buck appears red and wide eyed in the kitchen door- obviously alarmed.
Eddie smiles and tells him everything is fine. He's not sure Buck believes him but he trusts him enough to take his lead.
Eddie loves him so much and everyday he thinks about telling him, but it won't be today.
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Eddie gives Buck a gift that he hopes will make it clear how he fits into their lives. How he has a home with them forever if he wants it.
And the why
Once upon a time I had hopes the the St Christopher medal would be involved in a love declaration and this is what was created from that. An early fic that I couldn’t actually remember what happened when I got a comment on it this week, I nervously had a little re-read and I enjoyed it quite a bit. Almost like the writer knows my taste 😉
The phone is next to him, speaker on and with his head on a cushion, eyes closed he can almost imagine he's not alone. It's not a FaceTime call, Ilya's not sure he could cope with that tonight but he does want to hear Shane's voice.
That voice is drifting over him, telling him about his boring day. Ilya wishes far too hard that he could be boring with him. It sounds so nice, being boring everyday with Shane Hollander is everything he wants.
It's not something he can have though, even if he has agreed to this cottage plan. Something that's exhilarating and terrifying in equal measure.
Shane is still at his parents, still recovering and still too far away. It's not fair and Ilya hates himself for the childish thought.
"So what about you?"
Ilya barely suppresses his sigh, he doesn't want to talk about his day, that's not why he called. If Shane's day was soft and boring and full of care Ilya's wasn't and he doesn't need to live through it twice.
Instead of answering he redirects the conversation , towards something that's been on his mind almost everyday since the last time he saw his injured, high as a kite boyfr… well his something undefined anyway.
"I am remembering something. Something you told me."
Shane's "what?" is suspicious, as it should be. Ilya can't help but smile to himself as he elaborates.
" You told me that you have dreams. Dreams about me."
There's a choked off coughing sound on the other end of the phone that only widens the smile on his face.
Shane splutters, becoming adoringly defensive-
"When? When did I tell you that?"
It's not a denial, in fact it sounds promisingly evasive.
"Is true then?"
"Ilya I didn't ever tell you that how do you …"
Ilya prevents himself from laughing as Shane stops talking abruptly, but far too late to do himself any good, the truth is out and Ilya intends to explore it thoroughly.
"Ah so it is true and yes, you did tell me. In hospital because many many drugs makes you very relaxed Hollander. You were very happy to see me."
Not nearly as happy as he was to see Shane alive and breathing and not smashed and shattered on the ice. He pushes that memory away and refocuses on the now. Now is getting interesting. Deliberately lowering his voice in a way he knows makes Hollander's toes curl he says.
"You said "I have dreams about you Ilya."
He enjoys the quick catch of breath at the other end of the line and carries on,
"Dreams about handsome, sexy Russian; best hockey player in NHL, much better than me, he scores many more goals and is so very hot."
A few too many drinks , an accidental truth, a remembered word and an argument leads to the place both Eddie and Buck want to be.
He’d like to blame the beer, he really would but if honesty is the theme of the evening and apparently it is, Eddie can’t lie - not even to himself. Yes, he’s not 100% sober but he’s also not drunk drunk either; certainly not enough to make it an excuse anyway.
Eddie can truthfully say he didn’t mean to let his thoughts leak out like that. They were meant to stay firmly locked away, possibly forever but Buck had started it, he'd said something soft and honest and then he'd said 'tell me something true' and like the idiot he is Eddie had and now Buck is staring at him.
It had just slipped out - everything had been normal, they'd been relaxing, sitting close together on the couch, Chris asleep in his bedroom and Buck had looked at him, his crystal blue eyes sparkling and a grin on his face and said - “You know what, this is where I’m happiest.”
The words had made Eddie's heart leap and the warmth that flooded his veins was more intoxicating than any of the beers he’d already had.
“Just hanging out here, with you.”
And just how was he supposed to react to that?
The words were enough to knock him off balance but the blush on Buck's cheeks had been both pretty obvious and very obviously pretty and it had been accompanied by that thing Buck did sometimes where he looks down with half a shy smile on his face.
It's a look that has never once failed to make Eddie's chest ache with something he now recognises as longing.
So when Buck carried on talking and said,
“Your turn, tell me something true.”
💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
Be warned there are particularly stupid and poor at communicating in this one
My lovely pocket pal @d9i1a1z wanted something based on that still… you know the one… this one and while I’m busy finishing demon!eddie I had time for 1k based on this man’s beautiful face. I hope you like it. I’ll put it on ao3 in a while maybe
It's been a strange day.
Dia De Los Muertos; day of the dead.
A good day but strange and spending this special day with his special people; Pepa and Abuela, has left him feeling… Eddie thinks about it and decides different might be the best word.
He thought he knew everything about them but today he's learnt more - about the lives they've lived, the things that make them people in their own right, not just 'his abuela and his Tia' but women who lived and loved and lost in ways he could never have guessed.
He's deeply greatful to have been gifted their stories and he loves them so much that his chest aches with it and he knows they love him back; it's one of the few things he's always known to be true. The love of those two women has been something solid and secure in his life since his childhood. A love that has always been true and deep and uncomplicated, unlike most of the other types of love he's experienced; his parents, Shannon, even Chris in some ways and well…. yes, because there should be no more lies today…. Buck.
Buck.
Ever since he met the man, love and Buck have become intricately linked in his mind and heart.
He's always been too scared to look at that too closely but today he came face to face with too many ghosts, not real ones of course, they don't exist no matter what Buck or Chim might claim.
In the background the parade is starting, the first strains of music ghosting through the air and while actual ghosts definitely aren't real secrets are and there were secrets in his family's past, things he didn't know, couldn't possibly have suspected; love, pain, loss, grief, so much sadness and yet still there had been hope.
The music gets louder, fills the chill air with something a touch warmer and his chest aches with the inexplicable nature of life and love and loss.
Life, love, people, all of it so confusing but one thing Eddie knows to be true is that your past will cast long shadows that fall on every day of your life, hiding things, confusing you with their unexpected shapes and patterns.
More people pass by, painted faces, costumes colour and noise as more lost loved ones are remembered.
Tonight he'll remember his own ghosts and if he says goodbye to them, it doesn't mean he's letting go of the love or the memories just that he's letting things change and maybe that's he's choosing to love himself enough to finally accept what he wants.
Abuela told him the truth and it's time to face his own now; he's been hiding in the shadows of his past for too long and right now, right here watching a parade that celebrates the memories of family and loved ones that have gone but are not forgotten Eddie knows he's tired of living in shadows.
He wants light, he wants to feel the warmth of the sun…. he wants to find joy and he's not even slightly surprised when the next thing he thinks of is a certain face and a certain smile and a pair of blue eyes that have crinkles at the corners.
He must be here by now, somewhere, wandering around, getting closer and closer, Eddie can feel his heart beating a little faster at the thought, they're meant to be meeting up soon. Buck asked if he could be a part of today because it was "important to you."
What was he supposed to say to that? He never expected anyone like Buck to be there for him time and time again.
It makes his chest ache again and he suspects that if anyone was looking at him, standing alone by the side of the road, holding the flower Pepa gave him when she told him not to be alone anymore, that they would think he was sad and he is, a little, how could he not he when he's heard the secrets of his family and he's surrounded by so many people, holding their photos, remembering the loves that have been lost, remembering the love he lost and maybe most importantly now when he's not with the love that he's found.
But… he learnt, finally that it's ok to be sad and it's ok to say goodbye to the past.
There will always be sadness in him but there are other things inside him too. So many other things, so many feelings and it's time to acknowledge that. He's spent so much time, wasted so much time pretending there wasn't, but there is.
Eddie watches the parade go past, all the noise, the colour, all the people with their memories, remembering love that hasn't gone away but had to change.
Eddie holds onto the flower Pepa gave him and lets himself feel.
A strange night, strange day, a strange year...good things, bad things, things to regret and things he'd do so very differently if he could. He can't though, the past is fixed but the future…. the future is waiting for him.
"Eddie!"
The voice makes his heart skip, it's familiar and when he turns and looks, he's not sure he looks sad anymore, maybe he looks like what he is… someone who's understanding that now is the time to move forward.
He finds him in the crowd easily ; tall, handsome, all curls and muscle and stubble, smiling, waving as he gets closer, a remarkable gift from the universe that Eddie never expected to be given.
Buck wanted to be here with him, for him and Eddie loves him for it.
Eddie loves him.
Buck has his own flower in his hand, a gift, on this day of the dead for the secret his own family kept from him, a secret he survived and moved on from and Eddie loves him.
Buck slides his way around the people in his way, big, polite, slightly clumsy and Eddie loves him.
Buck reaches his side and his smile widens and his eyes brighten as he says hello, breathy and excited to be here, he gets like this at Halloween, Christmas any excuse really. There's so much joy in him, sorrow too Eddie knows that but when he smiles like that it's the joy you see.
Blue eyes flit from Eddie to look at the parade and back again … and Eddie loves him and very soon he's going to tell him that.
Soon but not right now.
Right now all Eddie is going to do is smile back at Buck with all the love he tries to hide no longer hidden and take the flower from Buck's suddenly lax hand and hold it next to his own and then he's going to hold onto Buck's hand and stand next to him and say goodbye to the past one last time before he starts his future.
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Let’s WIP this Wednesday tagged by @exhuastedpigeon doing great things in the hangster world
Up close and Personal is now my offical up and running wip with chapt 1 up on ao3 so I’ll do a bit of self promo cos why not Hollanov Bodyguard Au if you’re interested 💖
"Ilya Rozanov?"
His name, an unexpected question, spoken in an unfamiliar voice draws Ilya's attention from the fascinating middle distance he'd been staring at and into the dark eyes of a stranger.
He blinks stupidly at the man standing nearby, he hadn’t even noticed him arriving in the alley. He looks to be about the same age as him, he's certainly as tall as he is, maybe a little wider it's hard to tell with the distance and the jacket.
There are a few dark strands of dark hair sticking out from the back of a wool hat and the tip of his nose is turning red.
He doesn't look particularly dangerous but that's what he thought the last time too.
Once he’s taken in the view Ilya realises that the man is the only other person around and that he's blocking the exit from the alley to the street.
That particular realisation sends a chill rushing down his spine and highlights the fact that Ilya really hadn't been paying nearly as much attention to his surroundings as he should have been.
Fuck.
Svetlana is going to kill him if he gets murdered in an alleyway on the evening of his return performance.
They'd both been quick to deny Yuna Hollander's stunned question and if the 'just' of their answer hadn't been entirely true, at least not for Ilya, then no one needed to know that right?
What if Shane starts to wonder about the actual when of it all…
"When?"
The single word, barely louder than a whisper, has Ilya's attention in a heartbeat. He looks up and finds that Shane is looking at him with the big, sad brown eyes that have haunted his dreams for years.
They may only have been 'boyfriends' since this afternoon but Ilya knows the man at the other end of the couch and that single word is the end result of a chain of thoughts Shane has been mulling over since they returned to the cottage.
Unfortunately despite his many talents both on and off the ice Ilya isn't a mind reader, which means he has to say -
"When what Hollander?"
Of course that's met with a "look" because Shane thinks he's being perfectly obvious. Ilya doesn't, so he waits for more and while he does he takes the time to appreciate his boyfriend's cute little frown - the crinkle on his forehead really has no right being as endearing as it but when seconds tick past and there's no more information Ilya asks again, this time with his own "look" of lifted eyebrows and wide eyes.
It takes a few more seconds before Hollander expands on his crypticness.
"When did you know?"
Although technically it counts as the more information he requested unfortunately it provides very little in the way of clarity so with a sigh Ilya sits himself up, shifting across the couch to get closer to his love.
"Hollander, when did I know what? That I am genius on ice? Stallion in bedroom? Smartest guy in room? Or maybe that I am strongest, fastest league player."
Shane snorts, the frown instantly wiped away by his scornful amusement just as Ilya had intended.
"You wish!"
Shane chirps back with a grin and Ilya replies with the self assurance he knows drives Shane mad in more than one way.
"Do not need to wish, is all truth."
Before Shane has the chance to argue he adds, "but I admit, am not mind reader, so explain with more words please."
He'd expected that to get him a quick exasperated explanation but instead Shane goes silent and looks away, his cheeks and ears glowing pink as he mutters something that sounds very much like,
"Doesn't matter."
Ilya blinks in surprise, surely Shane doesn’t expect him to believe such nonsense. Whatever this is matters to him so it matters to Ilya too.
Shuffling even closer until the gap between them is gone he reaches out and gently turns Shane's face back towards him.
"You are still terrible liar."
Shane looks at him, but only briefly, his eyes refuse to settle and Ilya experiences an anxious wave of nerves. He's starting to think something bad might be happening.
Keeping his feelings hidden and his voice calm he chases Shane's eyes and eventually captures them with a quiet reassurance.
If anyone wants a heated rivalry bodyguard/ballet au check this out
“Did you kiss him?"
He actually gasps, how does she know his secret desires. He wraps his answer in his most offended tone.
"No. I did not."
He can't look at her so he studies the television screen flashing brightly over her shoulder.
"But you want to."
The sing song, teasing tone does nothing to improve his mood at having to endure this ridiculous conversation.
"I do not. I found out he is boring. Very boring."
She snorts and straddles his lap so he can't keep trying to ignore her, her fingers pinch his chin to keep him from turning away again.
"He is hot. You know he is. I liked his hands, very big hands, he looked very strong too… "
She pouts at him and shrugs far too casually so he can guess what going to come out of her mouth next.
"So… if you do not want him maybe I…"
Despite knowing exactly what this is all about he falls for it anyway, his voice much sharper than he intended it to be.
"No. "
She looks positively delighted by his abruptness, the gleeful smirking expression is pure victory. Svetlana's eyes sparkle with both her triumph and the light from the television screen as she hums at him.
