#spooniefit

I definitely got off track this week with the holiday on Monday (July 4th). I’ll be honest and say I let myself get distracted. I figured I would be making up for lost time this week and I have at least gotten one workout in, but now I am sitting writing this post propped up in bed with my computer brightness all the way down and it’s till too bright.

I didn’t sleep well considering my cat kept waking me up throughout the night. I woke up nauseous with heart palpitations and my skin on fire. I remember going to bed trying to decide between making up for cardio day in the morning or doing this week’s HIIT cycle. At this point I feel lucky enough if I can make it to my desk job.

Mentally I am sitting here thinking of all the reasons why I could be flaring. 

I haven’t taken my medication in a couple days

Increased stress at work

The stress I experienced in my personal life yesterday

But usually there is no particular reason other than I’m sick.

I am also trying to push the thoughts away that I will never get in shape and I will feel uncomfortable about my body forever. These thoughts generally flare up with my symptoms too. Maybe a feeling of loss of control over my body.

I've been doing better at getting these thoughts to change and am already thinking of wearing my comfiest yoga pants to work today and taking a walk on lunch if I am up for standing for more than 3 minutes at a time.

I’d just like to address something I saw while looking for other spoonie and spoonie fitness blogs.

The phrase “No excuses” can certainly be ableist and so forth and so if I use the term, I am sure to clarify that I mean excuses to MYSELF, because, as I was dealt this hand in life to be a spoonie, I was also given the lazy card. Even before I got sick, I was very lazy with myself when it came to physical fitness and diet and I would always berate myself for it but never change anything.

I also would like to suggest for those who think that “no excuses” is discriminatory, that at least how I see it, a chronic illness is NOT an “excuse” it’s a reality. It’s a fact.

There are some spoonies who cannot work, who cannot leave the house and even if they had the desire to exercise, simply cannot do it. (I apologize if any of this upsets anyone). When I flare up, I don’t see it as an excuse to not go to the gym, I see it as a fact of life that I simply cannot go today and that’s okay. I don’t use my pain as a reason to stay home because I don’t feel like going out to the gym, or because I don’t feel like cooking and I don’t think anyone else in the community would either.

I set the goals for myself and I know when I am being lazy and I’m learning when to be gentle with myself. I know when I’m dishing out excuses and some of them have nothing to do with the pain at all- believe it or not!

I was also hoping that I may get some responses to this since I genuinely do not want to offend anyone in the community and I simply write this as my current view on things. I am always open-minded and willing to listen and so I ask that if there are any other ways that I could prevent from discriminating against other spoonies or insulting someone, or even triggering someone with my posts, please will you share with me?

I want this blog to be a journal for my own journey and a place where spoonies who would like to learn about eating clean and what exercises another spoonie does from their perspective can come.

Where does a (-n aspiring) fit spoonie even start when beginning to exercise?

What can a spoonie cook that doesn't use too many spoons and is also healthy and clean (and maybe they can get a few leftovers out of it as well and avoid the stove for a couple days)?

That’s more of the goal than the reality right now. 

I want, no, NEED to be as fit and healthy as possible. I need it not just for my physical well-being, but my mental well-being also. 

I’ve been sick for years. Many without even realizing that how I felt day to day was not normal. That, however, is a story for another time (maybe).

The point is, like many other spoonies, that I’m sick of it. 

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!

I’m sick of being told that I need to lose weight to feel better. I’m tired of people telling me that if I just eat a certain way, or went outside more, or did aerobics, that I would feel so much better. I’m sick of feeling guilty about not taking care of my body how I am able to, and I’m tired of pushing things off until a fictional “tomorrow.”

It’s true that sometimes I need to slow down. I know I need to be patient with myself and face the facts that there are days when I just can’t get out and do it all. But I can certainly do more than I have been. I think I have been blessed in a way that I am still able to work and (mostly) get my housework done, so why am I not using this to my full advantage? I felt myself getting worse and worse with each passing week and so I made some changes that I was fortunate enough to be able to choose.

This is the first time in my life that I am not preoccupied with school, 2 jobs, an internship and what I can manage of a social life. This is the first time I have decided to take care of me and leave graduate school (which made me miserable) and gratefully feel secure enough to only have one job. Which means, I have plenty of time to figure out what works and what doesn't in my life and I've run out of excuses for myself to put it off.

This will be a lot of trial and error and a lot of good and bad days. But...