#splurge.

after my weekend, i've made the decision to close out this month of financial goals with a couple of quotes i'm borrowing from my dear friend, maria. 

"you can't serve two masters."

and

"just let your faith be bigger than your fear."

maria is very spiritually inclined. she's loves her god. it's a beautiful relationship built on lots of adoration, respect, and trust. while i may still be questioning some of my own faith, i think these quotes can still be applied to my situation. the fact of the matter is, i can't let money control.

i sat down the other night and wrote down every little or big thing i could think of that makes me happy. and to be honest, absolutely nothing on that page was determined by money. sure, getting my nails done, or going to a movie, two small things, cost money, but the feeling of simplistic pleasure that i get from these things is not from that cost. i know money is a reality of life, i've said it and written it many times before, but the more i stress or worry about it, the more depressed i become. because like maria warned, it can become a master. something that far too much focus and attention is placed on. 

no more. because i'd rather put that energy toward something more fulfilling. my family. my friends. my relationships. my laughter. my goofy moments. my writing. my faith. my goals. my movie watching. my walks. my dog petting. shoot, you know something isn't worthy of your time if you'd rather pet a dog than think about it. 

secondly, i've got to just have faith. in all things. but particularly in the old rule, that everything will be okay. 

because it will.

so i guess there it is, i gave this month everything i had. i gave it many tears. many arguments. many words. and in the end, what it gave me was the realization that as much as it wants to control my every move, it won't. 

i guess i should have told you the other day, the day i restarted my happiness extravaganza, i chose to begin with money. i suppose i acted before i spoke. wanted to get the wheels turning for it. so today, i finally have had a chance to collect some thoughts on the subject. again.

it's funny, this kinda feels like a relapse. i've never personally experienced addiction relapse in the traditional sense of the words, however i know what it feels to feel guilt, failure, regret, and disappointment in self for repeating mistakes over and over. i try to be understanding. patient, always trying to be patient, because this is a reality of life. mistakes are a huge part of it. mistakes give us adventures and wisdom. they're almost embraceable. until you are in them. then it just sucks. 

budgeting has been a part of my life for as long as i can remember. i've always been pretty aware of the importance of rationing money out with the goal of living comfortably. being aware of and actually implementing are two different things entirely. 

so here's my pattern. i build out this grand plan of a budget (usually with lots of guidance from mama jules). the thing is epic. it's tight, like really tight, and difficult, but always doable. i write it all out. i live, breathe, and eat it for days, weeks, months. but then things start smoothing over. life gets easier, i'm able to afford more. maybe i start making more. more for me means alllllll logic jumps out of my brain, slaps me in the face and takes off running down the block laughing at himself for being so quick and clever. (why my logic is male, i may never know)

insert a phase of denial, followed by couple of meltdowns/tantrums, minor visions of running away to a beach somewhere and living off a friendship bracelet business (which i will make myself as i sip coconut water all day long), and many anxious nights staring at my pores.

then i start all over. imagine mama jules pulling logic back to the table by his ear to finish his dinner. him kicking and screaming the whole way. 

i want to get to a place when logic and i remain one in the same. the day will come when i can look across the table and see him playing with his food for thought and be comforted knowing that no matter what, he will finish his entire meal and thank me for it later. that's why no matter how much life is trying to feed me temptation right now, or  scare me with financial burdens, i will keep trucking along. the only way i can convince logic to stay, is by showing him how wonderful life is with him present.

i'm going to reuse my previous mini goals. or as i called them before mini pieces of coin:

think before swipe. (#impulsestop.) 

this little piggy, bank it. (#piggybank.)

grocery shop. (#sackedlunch.)

indulge in a modest splurge. (#splurge.)

trim the fat. (#debtdiet.)

lil wayne, a rapper, half sings it in every track. mullah baybee. 

for as long as i can remember, it has ruled my tracks too. i don't remember much about money from my childhood. except for being excited for the tooth fairy. doing chores with the hope of an allowance. but as i grew it's importance did too. and now here i am, an adult with adult responsibilities. and bills.

money overwhelms me. when i have it. when i haven't had it. literally the biggest source of anxiety. my guy says money ruins lives. and while i think this can be a bit dramatic, at times i've felt the drama control my life.

this chapter of my happiness project is simply to take the control back. no more, will it overwhelm me. at the end of the day. or the end of this life. no one will remember me for my financial situation. nor will it be my first or last thought. it's a luxury. a necessity. but having known what it feels like to have gone without much of it, my idea of content doesn't really have much to do with it.

mini pieces of coin:

think before swipe. (#impulsestop.) 

this little piggy, bank it. (#piggybank.)

grocery shop. (#sackedlunch.)

indulge in a modest splurge. (#splurge.)

trim the fat. (#debtdiet.)