Many people have role models, gurus and authority figures they look up to. They view them as perfect, composed, imagining that they know everything and they can do anything, because they feel so good about themselves. Few realize, that to arrive at any sort of actual clarity, one must first thread the path of uncertainty.
It is my uncertainty, that forced me into the path of deeper contemplation. Any answers that I have provided to you, I have, because I know how it feels to desperately want to understand life, and struggle to do so.
When the restricted comfort of clear answers that my family disciplined environment provided stopped being enough, I was feeling so lost, it provoked me into a path of questioning. It forced the search through already established schools of thought, classical academic or spiritual, analyzing other people's lives, values and ideas, for me to try to find out who I am, only to find out who I'm not. It forced me to be stuck under other people's opression and influence, to know exactly how I can accept to be influenced, and what I won't allow.
It is through that confusion and exploration, that I was able to find and communicate the ideas that my mind gave birth to in the process, that I share with the collective, hoping they are of some value. Despite that, I grew to understand that ultimately, nothing and noone can dictate who you are for you. Not Astrology, Tarot, Human design, not any school of thought or esoteric science. Not your job, friends or even your partner or your loved ones. It is your own individual take on all of the energies above and your filter of how you experience them, that creates the idea of who you are. It is going to be your individual expression and how you yourself relate to other people, that will define YOU. Trying to strictly fit into anything only takes you so far in life, as it soon becomes a prison and destiny inevitably pushes you further on your journey.
Maybe that's the person I am for now. Maybe I'm supposed to be searching, until I experience and find something solid. Maybe I'm supposed to not know, until a certain point. Maybe there is value in the quest, even if it feels so rocky, even if it feels daunting and scary, like I can't find my feet. Maybe it's just the fear of not having anything solid to dictate my life for me that is scary. And maybe I should embrace it, and accept that whatever works, works as long as I'm happy, even if it's just for now, and that it's ok to experiment with that and change it if necessary. Maybe there is value in the journey because it takes me away from the narrow confines of thinking that life is always black and white and blind obedience would always work in my favour. Maybe I'll always be in this state, and the point is to realise that there are no absolutes in life, and you have to learn how to navigate it as you go.
There is no model to life. There is no guidebook. At the end of the day, it is your adventure, your experience, and you decide what you do with it. Noone can, or should try to tell you what to do, not even a higher force, which you are after all a part of. All that matters is how connected you are to yourself.
That can scare many of us, because in one way or another, we are often raised to adapt or conform to other people's values. I certainly was, because of my south node in the 8th house, which became a comfort zone. Yet for years now I have been pushed to try to find my own path (2nd house dasha)....and it hasn't been an easy quest, as it left a trail of suffering on its way. People rarely treated me well, when I tried to find or establish myself, because when you take a stand for yourself, everyone around you who never has taken a stand for anything authentic ends up feeling uncomfortable.
There were many moments I wished I never felt lost, scared or directionless. I look back on my earlier life, growing up feeling so pressured to be what everyone else told me to be. Forced to adapt to someone else's idea of me, so that I'm loved and accepted, and hating that. Growing up breaking this pattern, and wishing I stopped being so afraid of punishment for doing so.
It can feel impossible to fight off external influences, when you haven't solidified in your own power yet. When someone comes at you, you find yourself wishing you knew what to respond to that. It can make you scared of fighting people. Not knowing what to defend myself with. Taking your time to find any solid preferences you can find inside yourself, that would be unquestionable. Feeling vague about the few hunches you have.
After you fight all these battles for your self identity, you arrive at realising, that like everyone else, you just want to be happy. That you just don't want to get hurt by people, like you did in the past. That you want to be able to exist without someone forcing you to fit the mold, that you want to feel the freedom of self expression.
You are allowed your quest. You are allowed your journey, even if you don't know where it's going. Because wherever you are, it is a step closer than yesterday. Tomorrow, you will go even further. In a few years, you might not recognize yourself. There is something inside you, that knows the way. Trust it.
