#spinraggen

naar jou.

ever moved.

not at all.

The days pass by but make no sense I smile at my lost innocence from growing up - I add the years to my desires & deepest fears of loneliness, with all my friends I'm still quite sure how this will end: Us parting ways like nothing did - you leaving me, and here I sit, as if nothing ever came of it, the things we said simply unfit to drown the sound of what was left: both blissfully, completely deaf.

Two steps down the campus road I regretted carrying my heart with me, it’s weight heavy on my back, loaded with questions just where I couldn’t see them, and halfway through I understood the conversation blown past me, life on hold during the break, wind on both our faces racing over an artificial lake, I said: “Welcome to the Netherlands, where everything is fake”

We are drinking wine like friends these days. I come over and remember how I sat down awkwardly - now I know how it ends but then everything could still change - I was hoping I would be more so we spoke of the mundane, had dinner with questions burning on our tongues, or maybe just mine; they came rattling through my teeth with every cup of cursed red wine you poured me, containing line after line of my thoughts, well prepared and fine but clumsily delivered and I saw your eyes checking mine to see if I was already dying. I did. None of this I say this time, we share dinner and a bottle and a movie, then I carefully present my safest words, the ones that say “nothing, really, nothing hurts.”

liegt ze.

kon ik dat maar.