#spilling thoughts

FIRST AND FOREMOST IM EXTREMELY SORRY FOR GHOSTING YALL, classes were just really overwhelming then exams, projects, presentations and honestly just people. in the midst of all this i kinda just lost the appetite yk to write, fortunately i didnt lose all my eternal love for fanfics, but yea i just didnt have the motivation to write.

however, im on summer vacs till late sept so yall can expect regular updates soooo IM BACKKK hope yall still remember me, and my works esp esp ever, ever after and do you remember me too. these two i believe are the sole reason im here today writing this, working on my drafts and all i wanna take this opportunity to thank everyone for their supprt and love, also guys somewhere in the past few months i hit 1500 followers so thank you so so much fir that.

nowww before i get into everything i wanna share a bit about what has been happening since the last time i uodated my fic

soo uni got unbearable, went thru some friend drama, made lots of new friends, had the most random guys crushing on me, me and my friends made this film club that was just awesome

and in the midst of allll this i met a guy, but yea thats a longgggggg story that i woukd love to share with yall, lmk if u want more deets, or anything yall are my babies

She is the four course meal of my life.

Her long, beautiful legs and the way that they carry her, like a delicious drink of coffee, milk and three sugars. As if she was smoother than an affogato, but just as energizing.

Her kindness, like an appetizer that never fills but gorges me. My greed will beg for more until I'm stuffed, but with her soul I never shall be.

And then emerges my main course: her laughter.

This is my favorite restaurant in the city. Nobody serves the harmonies of her laughter quite like she does. The recipe buried deep in her lungs, I will become a surgeon and a chef to extract the delicacies she holds.

And when I'm filled to the brim with her merriment (I never shall be), the waiter will ask if we are interested in dessert.

As if the lava cake in her eyes hasn't been awaiting me for the entirety of our meal, as if the richness of her eyes hasn't awaken the sweet tooth within me that only she can bring out.

We will share whatever dessert captures her attention in the same way that she does mine. I will tip well. And we will walk home together, hand in hand, and I'm just the luckiest, because

it doesn't matter where we are,

It's just something I can't handle.

Of course, I want to marry you.

Of course I love you.

But I've also loved before you.

I've planned countless ideal weddings, different flowers, different venues, different people, different me.

And each time, I believed.

I believed so hard, believed that what I felt was love,

what I felt was marriage worthy,

what I felt was commitment.

Yet, here I am.

Another wedding to be planned,

But can you blame me?

In all the years that i’ve lived,

can you look around and tell me who’s stayed?

In all the years that i’ve lived,

what do I have to show for my life,

if not for the things i’ve held onto

My hands are raw with the responsibility,

My grip no longer as strong as it used to be.

sunny warm days together,

listening to music quietly on the freeway home,

because there’s nothing to say,

a day so full of shared love,

let this quiet car ride be what puts our time together to rest,

I don’t want to be high anymore.

I don’t want to be anxious anymore.

Everyday I feel closer and closer to it than the first time.

I want to feel the sun on my skin again. And not worry if it burns. I want to feel the same warmth as my adolescence.

I want fleeting moments of reminiscence.

I want the anxiety medications that I’ve been too scared to accept.

I want to schedule the surgery that’s supposed to save my life.

I want more.

I want to feel again.

But it doesn’t matter.

Because I will keep being high,

as if I couldn’t help it.