#speakitout

This post mainly focuses on my own personal experience, unlike the other posts wherein we based our topics on the submissions we get. Anyway, I just wanted to share this because I feel like a lot of people would relate.

I’m the eldest in the family and only daughter. It’s difficult to handle, especially all the pressure. I have a ton of relatives too, meaning a bunch of aunts and uncles. It gets hard to handle. The pressure doesn’t stop. Aside from that, I have two younger brothers who are still so young... Honestly, I don’t know what I want to do with my life yet, but still, I need to figure it out as fast as I can. I feel like everything’s unfair, you know? Nothing I do is enough. No matter how much I carry on my back, I will always be called “lazy” just because I’m not fit and I don’t exercise, as if I don’t do my brothers’ homeworks, do chores, my own requirements and college applications. I’m juggling all these, but still, I get no recognition. Sometimes, I just want it all to be over because how can I juggle my whole life? It gets extremely tiring everyday.

I don’t know what advice I should give myself. I wanted to share this because I honestly feel alone, so I hope if you read this, you don’t feel alone. I’m here with you. I understand too. The pressure and hardships get too heavy, like if you go on with one more day, you’ll break. And sometimes, you do break. When you break, it’s even harder to get back up again... 

What I do to get through another day though is focus on the little things. For instance, there’s a new episode of a variety show I love every Tuesday. That’s what I look forward to. I tell myself that if I’m gone later, how will I know the next episode? Or maybe, I’m so close to Tuesday and that new episode, I should wait a while. This thinking has been extremely helpful for me the past few weeks. Sometimes I replace the variety show with online shopping. If I’m gone later, how about the plushie I bought? It would be a waste!

The pandemic has been happening for about a year now, and with that comes lockdown after lockdown, even if nothing seems to be changing. We agree that it’s incredibly draining, to be trapped in a house with multiple people. You lose time, social interaction, and more depending on your lifestyle and personality. We personally are touch starved right now among other things. We don’t have anyone to talk to either, so it gets hard to survive the day especially when you’re all alone at night with lingering and overbearing thoughts.

Let’s move on though. This submission focuses on these thoughts that we cannot deal with. Anon talked about how they don’t really have anyone at the moment. Friends have drifted apart, multiple fall outs and fights occurred. It’s just school and sleep throughout the day, but how can you sleep when these thoughts won’t stop coming in? They started to doubt themselves, that maybe they are the problem because why would everyone leave them at the same time? Maybe they realized that they weren’t enough or they were just baggage you bring along because you have to. At least that’s what Anon thought.

Anon, this time has been difficult for all of us, and to be honest, you should give yourself credit for getting past each day. That’s a great accomplishment already. Also, it’s normal to have fall outs right now since everyone is going through a rough time. Each and every one of us have different coping mechanisms, and we can say that ours is distancing. Some of your friends may have problems at home or not at the proper state right now. Some just like isolation, especially during this trying time. This is not to invalidate what you’re feeling, because that matters a whole lot too, but we shouldn’t make assumptions. Most importantly, you shouldn’t blame yourself for something you cannot control. Despite all this, what you are feeling is important as well. Just because they are going through things doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to be hurt. Just make sure that once you and they are ready to talk, you really talk. You listen. Communication is an important aspect in relationships and dynamics.

The first submission we received rotated around college application season. College application and acceptance season is currently happening, but it’s happening alongside current school years. So not only are you trying to complete school requirements and excel enough to graduate with your goals, you are also applying to colleges that require essays, transcripts, and the like. You have to make time to go to the bank, office, and more. It’s definitely difficult to balance all this, especially because of the offices’ working hours and occurring pandemic. Some people who are applying are still minors too, meaning they can’t go out and make rounds freely. Aside from this, other applications are made online. This is the first time it’s happened for UP too. Now, UP’s system and website are full of glitches and unbearable traffic.

With that as a background, Anon expressed how they’re scared of not getting into their dream school. Exams were cancelled, meaning everything is based on your grades from multiple school years including this current year. They said: “What if my grades aren’t enough? That chance I had... Those exams were my hope. Now, everything is grade-based? It doesn’t even consider my situation throughout the past years. I swear, I’m smart, but I don’t know. What if it isn’t enough? I do better with singular exams, rather than a whole school year average.”

We understand. We are also currently submitting applications to college, and it’s stressful. Balancing is difficult, but sometimes you don’t have to balance it all at once. Give yourself breaks. I know, it may seem easier said than done, but you’re just prolonging the stress you have on your shoulders rather than giving yourself a break now and then strive for the best. Schools should be more considerate now too, but we understand if that’s not the case. You are doing your best, you survived a year of the pandemic. How you cope with yourself now is up to you, and it’s valid. Sometimes, maybe, you’d see how your grades got lower or you stay in your bed or on your phone for more hours everyday, and then you’d feel disappointed because you wasted a year. That’s how we feel as well. It’s important to note the different circumstances we have now, compared to those last years. What you are doing to cope right now is the best you can do for yourself. 

Moving on, not everything goes according to plan. You may have a dream school or dream course, but those are merely dreams. What’s important is what you do with the time you are given -- the reality. Just because those are your dreams doesn’t mean other universities or courses are bad. You may even excel in others. Aside from this, don’t forget you have all the time in the world. You don’t like your course? Shift next school year! Take a gap year! There are many possibilities. Go travel. Go help your parents. Go finish other things on your bucket list. You can always go back! You have all the time in the world. For instance, you can go finish a different course and then go back to school to truly pursue what you want. It’s also hard to decide what you really want when it’s your first time. We, ourselves, are having hard times deciding what course we want even if we are already submitting our applications, since this is just the first time we are at this point.