#sparekilled

thanks  for  helping  me  with  arithmancy .  even  hermione  has  trouble  with  it  sometimes .  i  think  we  i  shouldn’t  have  to  bother  you  anymore  after  this  exam . you’ve  made  the  basics  really  simple ,  &  i’m  really  thankful  for  it .  

i  won’t  talk  about  what  happened  if  you  won’t  . i  know  you’re  not  like  that ,  &  i’m  sorry . 

indeed , cedric  diggory  was  not  Like  That ,  &  harry  had  been  a  fool  to  think  that  he  was .  harry  stares  at  the  parchment ,  the  familiar  sense  of  shame  welling  inside  him .  

because  not   only  does  harry  like  girls ,  he  likes  boys  too . he  shifts  uncomfortably  in  his  seat  at  the  very  thought .  both .  god .  who  does  that  ?  who  hops  between  teams  like  that ?  harry  james  potter ,  that’s  who .  &  if  this  letter  fell  in  the  wrong  hands  —  jesus . 

i  just  want

it’s  not  fair  how  

i’m  just  saying  i’d  

i’m  terrified  writing  this ,  cedric .  you  say  i’m  brave ,  &  that  i’m  a  survivor ,  but  i’m  not .  i’m  a  coward .  maybe  i  just  won’t  send  this  le  even  now ,  i’m  writing  you  this  letter  because  i  don’t  have  the  guts  to  tell  you  all  this  in  person .  but  you  deserve  to  know ,  &  hopefully  you’ll  receive  this  &  we  can  just  move  on  &  pretend  this  never ,  ever  happened . 

i  wish  you  were  like  me .  but  that’s  selfish .  i  know  you’re  not .  you  &  cho  are  great  together  —  when  are  you  going  to  ask  her  out  ?  even  if  you  didn’t  want  to  be  with  me ,  i  think  i’d  just  want  someone  to  talk  to  about  all  this ,  the  same  way  ron  talks  to  me  about  his  crushes .  it’s  easy  to  talk  to  you .  

but  sometimes 

i’ve  been  thinking  &  i’ve  noticed  

can  i   ask  you  something  ? 

there’s  something  in  the  back  of  harry’s  brain .  it’s  best  to  treat  it  like  a  scab ,  to  ignore  it ,  &  wait  for  it  to  go  away .  it’s  a  stupid  thought  —  an  empty ,  false  hope  —  but  he  can’t  shake  it . 

look ,  i’ll  just  say  it .  sometimes  i  get  this  feeling ,  like  maybe  i’m  wrong .  maybe  you  are  like  me .  i  see  you  turn  your  head  sometimes  when  a  guy  walks  by ,  &  how  you  comment  on  the  stage  actors  in  the  girls’  witch  weekly .  &  i’ve  never  heard  you  make  a  joke  about  gay  people  the  way  other  people  do .  &  sometimes  you  say  things  to  me  that  make  me  think  you  care  about  me  the  way  i  care  about  you . 

i  like  to  daydream ,  sometimes ,  that  you  like  me  too .  every  once  in  a  while  it  seems  like  you  co

god ,  he  really  is  pathetic . 

i’m  overthinking  this .  i’m  sorry . 

but  now  that  he’s  looking  at  the  thought ,  ink  still  shining  in  the  light  of  the  common  room ,  a  new  one  makes  its  way  into  his  head .  he  taps  his  fingers  on  the  table  with  a  giddy  sort  of  nervousness . it’s  not  one  of  his  best  ideas ,  but  he  figures  he’ll  give  it  a  go .  

i  had  an  idea  just  now  

i  know  you’re leaving  hogwarts  soon,  but

i  know  it’s  unlikely ,  but  i’ve  been  thinking  while  writing  this  ,  &  i  want  to  at  least  ask .  do  you   if  you’re  willing  to  give  me  a  chance ,  i’d  be  open  to  really  happy  to  date  you .  

i’m  not  saying  it’s  going  to  be  easy ,  for  either  of  us . i’ve  never  really  been  with  anyone  before ,  &  other  people  can  be  cruel  sometimes .  but  i  really  think  we  could  make  each  other  happy ,  &  that  it  could  work . 

if  you’re  willing  to  try  it ,  meet  me  by  the  one - eyed  witch  statue  on  saturday  at  3 .  i’m  not  asking  for  any  promises ;  i’m  not  asking  for  forever  or  anything  like  that .  come  if  you  want .  if  not ,  i  completely  understand ,  no  hard  feelings ,  &  i’ll  never ,  ever  mention  this  again . 

yours  always ,  

sincerely ,  

yours  always , 

harry 

he  signs  with  a  flourish ,  heart  pounding ; he  folds  the  parchment  into  thirds ,  stuffs  it  into  an  envelope .  on  the  back  he  writes  in  bold  letters :  CEDRIC .  

( he’s to help organise any future school event personally and without complaint. )

any other occasion , the rules would look like a special kind of burden . but the thought that something may happen to cedric when he isn’t there to make sure everything runs smoothly ? hans shivers . accepts the terms . a month and fifteen days later , cedric wakes up .

.

he swallows those nightmares like he eats his secrets ——— he keeps it inside , proper and filed , named and dated , but never to anyone . some days , this makes him sick . some days , this makes him stronger . most days , when he does get to visit cedric , he doesn’t truly visit cedric at all . the diggorys are an usual occupant around their youngest’s member’s ward , and while hans’ chest aches and pleas for him to just sit — not much , he just wants to see that the other is breathing — next to cedric’s lying form , he doesn’t . hans is usually good with parents , he knows , and , perhaps , if he asks properly , he may have a time alone with cedric even if it’s just for five minutes , but — how selfish can he be  ?

cedric’s family aren’t like his own . they care , they weep , they mourn and they pray . they deserve all the time they would get with their son , and hans is willing to give it to them . ( it feels like he’s swallowing nails when he sees them there just as he’s about to enter the ward , because he knows he’s not worthy to be among such kind people ; because he knows , compared to them , his own grieve means nothing . ) he doesn’t like it , but he’s willing . so he sits dutifully where mediwizards pass through , and he reads all he can about curses and cures and ‘how to be a good friend’ , and he harasses the staff for cedric’s state and questions and medicines . 

and hans gets into lots of arguments — he’s bitter and sad and manic most of the time , and sometimes when one of the matrons makes his blood boil , he could almost hear cedric’s pleading , soft voice hushing his demons away . it doesn’t command hans to stop , but merely assures hans that cedric is , in fact , okay . one of the evening when he’s bent over a book , mrs. diggory spots him , recognises . “you’re one of cedric’s friend , aren’t you ? hans, right ?” and , for a moment , hans feels like words were a foreign language to him .

he’s given a little more than sufficient access after that , rotating with the diggorys whenever he’s there so that the pair of parents could take a short trip home to bathe and rest . in the end , it works out . this awkward arrangement . there were also other visits . hufflepuffs , mostly . hans doesn’t interrupt those visits too whenever they come and he’s coincidentally there to make sure cedric isn’t decaying away ——— well , all except for cho . he glares most of the time she’s there . she pointedly makes all of her visits appropriately short , and perhaps he’s been with the diggorys too much , but hans thinks he may have experienced just a tinge of guilt . he scrubs them away like another file of his depression ; ready to be ignored and left to dust .

the routine changes a bit when cedric finally wakes up . he does so when hans is in the middle of a class , and it sends hans frantic and unable to focus during advance potions which makes snape glowers , which in return makes hans glowers back — and , perhaps it’s the green-silver bowtie that’s embed around his neck , but thankfully all snape does is roll his eyes and pretends hans doesn’t exist for the remaining time until the class is excused . when he’s finally , finally , allowed to be at st. mungo’s , with dumbledore trailing behind , hans finds himself stopping when he spots the diggorys and harry potter and cho-fucking-chang already crowding the ward.

hans waits and waits and waits at the hall ( he reads the charts and listens to the mediwizards ramble medical terms that he’s come to know over the month cedric wasn’t waking up ) , and he swears he could taste glasses down his tongue when dumbledore emerges requesting all of the hogwarts students returning — visiting hour is over , after all — and hans is there , dumbfounded , because he hadn’t even gotten the chance to see cedric yet ( he hadn’t wanted to share his moments with other people. he can’t. dear lord , please allow him this . ) and — and how could it ? but hans swallows the thick bile at the back of his throat , his shoes ready to follow when mrs. diggory calls . 

“he wants to see you.”

hans tells himself he isn’t crying when he parts the curtain hiding cedric from public view as he steps into the small area of the ward . with a hazy flicker of grey eyes landing on him , it seems like all of the nightmares he’s buried in his hollowed stomach disappears . he breathes , comes forward and track a gloveless finger down the other’s pulse — closing his eyes when they beat . cedric is watching him , smiling maybe . hans can’t really tell . the prince sits , face painful from trying to hide his own grin too much and he croaks ,

❛   thank you.   ❜

i love you.

.

cedric doesn’t take the final exams that year . he could , and hans has been willing to help him without him even asking , but the mediwizard hadn’t advised the youngest of diggory to do so . hans harasses the nurse some more for information , because it’s odd that they’ve denied a student of education and hans isn’t quite himself if he’s not suspicious : only to find out two weeks into cedric’s recovery that the dark-haired man might be suffering more than just physical pain .

hans begins reading more into post traumatic stress disorder . 

the wizarding kind still kindly calls it “battle fatigues” and hans gets books on those too . there were many attempted cures , he’s discovered , both magical and muggle kinds — but ptsd has never been a tangible thing . nothing completely goes away . ( and something in hans knows this , because he might be experiencing it too — been experiencing it his whole life — but he makes note on the herbs and medications and procedures , anyway . he has to . he can’t stand feeling helpless . ) he never tells cedric this . but he talks to the mediwizard often , now being in a much better term once cedric’s civilised their relationship , to ensure the proper treatment’s taken .

a month after cedric wakes up , st. mungo finally grants him a date to be released . summer comes .

.

summer is hard for hans . in order for him to be granted visits to london so he could sneak to the wizarding world requires him exerting extra efforts in obeying father’s commands . but he doesn’t want to complaint . not if it means he gets to see cedric twice in a week . thankfully , brothers weren’t particularly around much , so the abuse has only been limited to jabs and their usual mock and perhaps a pinch or two along hans’ ribs until hans cries .

he still doesn’t tell cedric this . he knows it weighs on the hufflepuff that hans isn’t willing to share his pain when he’s generously welcomed hans to know every bits of him that he could expose . but — it’s harder now . cedric isn’t well , and hans hates dropping burden that he’s well adapted to carry on his own . things still get better however . he tells cedric more — not about the nightmare , not about the jobs that father has him do just to grant him these little time where he could lie down and share the moment with the other boy . but he opens up more about his mother that never truly comes out from her room . about where he’s travelled as a child . about how his family hates the wizarding kind so very much , they tear hans’ first robe when hans keeps wearing it the first time he comes home from hogwarts — which was why hans never wear those much , and he’s owned only three in his life .

cedric is patient and kind through it all : through hans , his own pain , his parents’ fussing and his many friends’ visits . and — slowly — he gets better with time . hans wishes he could say he’s there most of the time when the hufflepuff makes a huge progress , but that would be a lie . cedric still insist the prince does more than he gives himself credit for , and — as they lie on the bed watching the rain drops and hans having just finishes cedric off with his palm covered in the other’s cum — hans tells cedric he loves him . not because he’s just given a handjob rather successfully , or that because he’s felt it’s necessary since it’s something people who were dating tended to confess to one another , but simply because he think he has loved cedric for a while now . 

and , he admits quietly when he’s cleaning the other’s remnants off with a tissue , it’s good to love somebody who loves you back .

cedric doesn’t seem like he’s disagreeing .

.

in the end , with all of hans’ fear of not wanting his heart getting broken by another , he ends up being the one who breaks cedric’s heart . it’s february 12 — two days before valentine’s — and people cowering in fear of things that cannot be stopped any longer , that hans packs his suitcases and shoves them into his trunk . some have already branded him a coward with a glare and cussed words — but what are little jabs compared to father’s order who does not wish to send hans to fight against a kind that once deserts their family ?

blood is thicker than water . right ?

cedric stands there , tall and looming , and the warmth in his grey eyes are fading into this kind of sadness that hans knows will haunt him along with the not-corpse that the other nearly was the year before . ( under potter . unmoving . eyes open . amos screeching . his own lungs , not breathing . ) cedric doesn’t ask him to stay — or maybe he did , hans isn’t sure now — but he certainly doesn’t beg . had hans’ answer changes if he had ? the prince doesn’t know. but certainly , as he leaves , nobody will ever find out .

he still asks cedric to stay alive . ( what’s the point ? would hans be able to see him again ? probably not . but stay alive anyway , my darling. ) because apart of him will , if the other does . and this , hans is okay with .

( his heart has never been his , anyway . )

(( and he rather it being with cedric than anybody else. ))

.

the nightmares get worse after he parts . a month with his health declining , father eventually hires a psychologist for hans to talk to . he tells this doctor — doctor larsen — about his findings of PTSD and how he might have them , might , but he doesn’t like to acknowledge it . it takes months and months before hans is finally willing to work through his problems , and gently , his demons doesn’t suffer twice as bad .

he gets letters from cho here and there , telling him cedric is alive . barely , and consistently fighting — but amazingly alive . when he begins on not writing back ( ‘sometimes it’s better to leave the past behind’ says doctor larsen , again and again and again ) , and brothers drown his owl , cho stops sending more . the year goes on .

hans doesn’t think he’s any better , but the nightmares , he judges , are quieter .

.

hans stops thinking about his lifeless body until he steps back into the wizarding world after the war ends to handle his family’s accounts at gringotts . he doesn’t tell father , but it has been his long-time planning to create a new business that none of his family could touch ; that could be entirely his , and his alone . and he’s been corresponding with mcgonagall about retaking his NEWT’s exam and taking a few names who could very well help him in re-establishing his family’s name here , with him as the head of the house . and he will make his family’s future better . 

(and he will not be father.)

he doesn’t take into account that he might , after all , bump into cedric. but he does anyway . and it’s seemingly like the years lost between them has been regained , and not a moment has passed with hans standing a parallel to the other’s body . hans feels his heart beats , loud and fast and thundering , and all he could think is—