#spa 25

SO

during the insanely long rain delay in spa into martin brundle and croftys commentary box wanders one (1) nico rosberg (he was aparently there commentating at sky italy this race and i guess got bored during the delay and looked for other people to bother? idk they never really addressed Why he was there). and he sasses them a little and says some classically nico rosberg things BUT THEN they start talking about the departure of horner because you know that was a Thing that Happened Recently and nico says, i shit you not:

nico: "do we know if zak brown and toto wolff are also missing christian horner?"

and i am sitting on my couch and suddenly my jaw drops to the floor because Nico Rosberg has brought up a Rivalry to none other than David Croft Live On Air. the Same David Croft who said the infamous "everything but a lover" line. and this is only ending in One Way.

so crofty speaks.

crofty: "i think they probably are. because every rivalry needs two parts to it and lets face it. christian and toto were head to head rivals for many years and zak this year, last year, has kind of replaced toto in the rivalry....your yin needs a yang nico i would say on that one. so in most respects i think they probably are."

and i am still sitting with my mouth hanging open because now it is only a matter of Time before lewis gets mentioned.

nico: "its like senna and prost."

YOU MEAN THE OTHER INFAMOUS RIVALRY OTHER THAN THE ONE THAT YOU WERE A PART OF, NICO???? THIS IS GETTING INTO DANGEROUS TERRITORY

nico: "who suddenly when prost retired senna went damn, i hate that guy but i actually want him to be here. and they became best friends afterwards."

and didnt....prost....tell you nico that you need to talk it out with lewis......wasnt this a conversation that was had.........And Also Youre Still Saying All Of This To David Croft, King Brocedes Pot Stirrer. and remember the last time nico was in the commentary box, crofty made fun of him for eating cauliflower for breakfast. so. anything was possible here.

crofty: "your world championship win in 2016."

me, sitting on the very edge of my seat, mouth open, eyes wide

crofty: "would you look back on that so fondly now if it hadn't been lewis hamilton that you had beaten? your teammate? and your main rival at the time?" nico, very softly and realizing he has backed himself into a corner: "no of course not....that was a big part of it for sure and uh you are right in that sense. " crofty: "so do you miss lewis now"

DAVID CROFT. YOU INSANE MAN, i think as there is a slight pause.

nico *laughing and stuttering incoherently like he somehow didnt expect this* crofty: "well you just asked the question!" nico: "im okay. im okay."

which, was not the question. at all.

but thankfully david croft, as i said earlier, is an insane man and also a shit stirrer and were in the middle of a rain delay so i can only imagine that that is what possessed him to say this:

crofty: "are you still next door neighbors?"

very long pause. i begin to wonder and not for the first time if david croft is writing brocedes fanfic himself.

nico, sounding like he has been caught taking cookies out of a cookie jar: "we...we uh still live in the same building yeah.....we catch up from time to time. but we have a very nice, uh, neutral relationship."

???????? what in the Hell is that supposed to mean?????????

which was a question that martin brundle aparently also had because:

martin, laughing: "a very nice neutral relationship??" nico: "um, uh, moving on...?"

but rest assured, shit stirrer david croft was not done yet. he needed to keep his viewers entertained as we were nearly an hour into a rain delay where the only thing keeping people watching were the glamor shots of charles leclerc and the red bull garage drinking tea.

crofty: "has he still got your safe? was it....wasnt it when you first moved in you put your safe in his apartment?"

there is an old story that i think it was lewis had nicos watch for awhile because he had his safe box or something and nico somehow managed to get it back after he won the championship, but i have no source for that story so you will just have to take my word for it.

nico: "no. other way around. he put his safe in our apartment." crofty: "yeah. you looked after it for a bit." nico: "yeah yeah. i was considering whether i should kind of forget where i had put it when he next asked for it but then i did give it back."

which. wild things to admit to live on air.

then! in case you were worried that crofty didnt have anything else. martin jumped in.

martin: "when i was driving for mclaren and you two kids, you were karting, you came in and terrorized the motorhome. you were so annoying as kids you and lewis, running around the place. causing havoc. ive always wanted to tell you that actually." crofty, laughing maniacally: "and there you were trying to have nice quiet moment." martin, evilly: "well me and nico have a neutral relationship." crofty: *laughing even harder* martin: "as of now anyway." nico, somehow missing the point entirely but also sounding very excited to recount this story: "the worst was the hotel rooms we left behind."

me and the rest of the world watching this probably sitting in the exact same place of shock wondering how theyre still talking about this and also wondering what other insane lore nico is about to drop because we Know that he and lewis shared hotels when they were karting and left them a disaster and also one time wrestled under a sink.

nico: "cause we shared a hotel room for two years. and we would have, like, wrestling, wrestling competitions *laughs* in the hotel rooms. they would not look good...they would not be on their best afterwards." crofty: "bit of rock and roll on tour *pauses* sometimes i love a rain delay. because you get the sort of information you never actually expected to get when you came into work that day. more of this to come."

which, first of all, understatement of the year thank you crofty. second What The Holy Ever Loving Fuck. and third: THEY STILL WERENT DONE

some five minutes later martin i think it was interrupts and is like oh look we've been sent a photo! and the photo in question was. this:

and nico says:

nico: "i just got that yesterday." crofty, in slight disbelief probably that his diabolical brocedes plan is working: "someone just sent you that?" nico, very excited to tell the story: "we were always on holiday together. you know, we were best friends at the time. but here was us actually at my parents house quadding. flat out quadding. always with an engine, full speed on everything. and lewis was. Proper Nuts. like he was nuts. completely" crofty, spurring him on: "really?" *laughing* nico: "i remember once we were jet skiing together i was on the back of him on the same jet ski. oh my god, i made, i had such a big shunt. i flew off in the biggest way. and then we went with two stand up jet skis, and i was watching him go off this giant wave from the ferry and he did not lift. he was- i'd never seen someone go so high airborne, and then he came crashing down and he knocked open his chin when he smacked down onto the jet ski as he landed. *laughs* just completely!" crofty: "oh!" nico, gleefully: "so hes lying there like half unconscious and i had to go and like check that hes okay, his chin was cut open. complete nut case." crofty: "honestly you two, it a wonder you ever made it to formula one and settled down and concentrated."

and then crofty started immediately talking about the race restart leaving all of us viewers with A Whole Lot Of Questions. because. what the hell. what had possessed nico rosberg other than the usual insanity.

then nico also revealed that he has recurring nightmares still about not getting into the car in time for race starts in f1. and then he was back off to the sky italy box:

crofty: "nico rosberg we must let you go. thank you for coming to join us, this has been a fascinating hour, we've gone into territories i never thought we would. before you go though, little prediction ahead of the race. who do you think now, in these conditions, is looking the best placed?"

understatement of the year, thank you crofty.

nico: "umm...lando norris. he has the best car, hes on a high mentally also coming off the win in silverstone, great qualifying yesterday so, uh, the favorite is 100% lando norris but he has some amazing wet weather drivers right behind him. so anything can happen. thank you very much it was a pleasure. i am off to speak some italian now."