eric cartman: theater etiquette is horrendous now. I asked the person next to me if I could have a sip of their coke as I was thirsty. they looked at me weirdly, and then yelled at me for scrolling through tiktok during the boring parts of the movie?

eric cartman: 8 times I got a poke bowl from this food truck on campus and 8 times I got diarrhea, I am conducting an experiment to figure out what causes it. Isolating variables. I’m down to the tuna and their house sauce. It’s one of them. Can’t wait to learn more tomorrow.

eric cartman: I am whatever gender has the shortest line at the bathroom.

eric cartman: sorry for bitching and whining. unfortunately I have to or else I'll start killing and eating people instead.

kyle broflovski: If you'd just give up tea and coffee and sugar and- eric cartman: I'll stop you right there. Because if you finish that sentence I am going to kill everyone in this building and then myself. If i have to face the horrors of the world without my little jar of caramel flavored instant coffee I'm going to go full American Psycho. kyle broflovski: Dude, I'm just saying, you could- eric cartman: Believe it or not unlike you, Kahl, my main priority in life is not to have perfect teeth or be an Olympic athlete or look like a supermodel, but to actually enjoy living.