#sour switchblade

sometimes he’d disappear for hours or even days. no explanation. no texts. you’d lie in bed replaying conversations, dissecting moments. had you been too much? not enough? should you have laughed less? smiled more? when he came back, it was like a drug hitting your bloodstream. “i missed you,” you whispered, crawling into his lap like it was your home. rafe never said it back, but he let you stay. you thought that was enough. after all, it had been you that drove him away for periods of time, wasn’t it?

all you wanted to do was please him, do things with him, do things for him. you wanted to return the favour for everything he did for you so that it was fair, even if it did hurt you in the process.

you wanted to talk to him about the things you could do. “we could just lay in bed and cuddle,” you murmured, craving for the affection you longed for. you snuggled into his chest further hoping for some comfort. rafe gave you a sleazy smirk whilst his hand slowly slid beneath the waist band of your panties. “or we could do something more fun?” with that, his lips reached your chest whilst his hand started to rub you and get you wet. you tried to relax into it, you’d take whatever version of him he gave you. maybe if you gave him what he wanted, he’d give you what you needed. if this was what he wanted to do then you would do it.

whatever he went through, you did too. he came home wired. you could tell before he even stepped fully into the room. the way the door slammed, the way his jaw worked like he was chewing on glass, the way his eyes didn’t land on you, just flicked past like you were furniture. you sat on the edge of the bed, silent. waiting. “he thinks i’m nothing,” he muttered. sniffing hard, running a hand through his hair, then across his face. his nose red, his pupils huge. “always has. always fucking will.” you knew who he meant before he even said it. he always meant his dad. you bit your lip, feeling something shift inside you. a pain you knew too well. “rafe, that’s not true—” he cuts your sentence before you’re even able to finish. “what the fuck do you know, huh?” he spat. but you knew, you knew how he felt. you were always there for whatever he went through, he was never there when you’d had complications with your father.

you always stayed there for him, perfect and obedient just how he liked it. “you’re pathetic, you know that?” he’d scoff down at you with a smile on his face. he knew that you wanted to please him and he loved that. the way he could mess with your mind and you’d still run right back into his arms. somehow you felt appreciated when he’d degrade you like that. it was like he knew the efforts you took for him. but really he thought you were so dumb for still trying. his point of view was a lot to live up to.

you wanted to worship him, make him feel brand new. he leaned back, his shirt slightly askew, one arm casually draped across the back of the couch. his eyes met yours, dark and calculating, and a slow, almost predatory smile spread across his face. you knelt between the spread of his legs with his hand ruched in your hair. as you moved, you could hear him let out a soft sigh of approval, but it wasn’t the warmth you were hoping for. it was cold, calculating, like he was only tolerating you. “you’re so good at this,” he groaned. “always makin’ me feel good, right? puttin’ that mouth to use…” his grip on your hair tightened as he pushed further into your mouth. you sought for that validation, you wanted him to feel idolised because you loved him, you really did. at times it felt like he was doing voodoo on you.

you wanted to fuck with him, he could bring his friends too. topper, kelce and rafe were all hanging out in rafe’s apartment doing lines whilst you brought them drinks. rafe pulled you into his lap, nuzzling his head into the crook of your neck. “fuck, man, shit’s good tonight,” topper said, his voice a little louder than usual. kelce agreed with a grin whilst watching you and rafe. rafe completely ignored the other two, he looked like he was in his element, the drug giving him that relaxed, almost cocky air that made you feel like he was actually thinking about you. you rubbed against him slightly, needing his attention and rafe groaned quietly. “damn, i need myself a girl like her,” kelce chuckled, continuing to watch you both. rafe gripped onto your waist and started kissing at your neck. you felt cherished, you didn’t feel like a secret, like something rafe was ashamed of displaying to his friends. whilst rafe felt like he was fucking with you, he felt thrilled that he could exhibit you to his friends like something he owned.

in the end, his point of view was a lot to live up to.