#souless!sam

"Y/n, I-" Pain filled his eyes and sadness filled his scent.

"I visited you a couple times. I couldn’t help it. I knew that I shouldn't be there but I had to reinforce it. I had to prove to myself that you belonged there and I've never seen you smile like that. I stopped after John told me that Lisa got off the suppressants and her birth control. You were such a good dad to the boy, I'm sure you'd be great with a baby."

"I'm awkward with kids, Y/n. I'm not good with the--Lisa didn't stop taking her birth control, she went to an IUD. You thought we were tryin' for pups?" Dean asked, stepping closer.

"Of course I did. I assumed that the omega you dreamed of would give you all the things you ever wanted...all the things I couldn't give you." Again, the ease of the words leaving your mouth hid the pain that they caused you. "I think we all know I've been ruined for you since I was eighteen and time and tragedy didn't make comedy in this case, they just made more tragedy. And that’s okay. I'm gonna die young, anyway."

You stepped back away from him and shook your head. "I don't know why I'm saying this to you when you're always going to be someone else's. You've never cared about me the way I care about you. You only want me when you can't have me which is really the story of my life."

Dean shook his head. "You aren't ruined. Don't think--shit, this is not the truth I was hoping for."

"What?"

"There's a truth curse or something goin' on in Calumet and it seems I picked it up." He licked his lips and sighed. "Look, uh, go grab Dad and we'll talk the case out with Sam, okay?"

"Of course. I mean, running away and hiding from you and your 'pod person' brother has crossed my mind already but walking away when I haven't seen you in so many months is not an option."

"Pod person?" Dean's eyebrows went up. "You noticed he was weird, too."

"He's not all there. I figured that out when he admitted that he was going to rape me and didn't even bat an eye."

"He...what?"

"I'm gonna go get John," you said, walking away to the room. John left the bar up on the door so you just walked straight in. "Dean wants us in their room. There's a truth curse and Dean has it so we're gonna be dropping bombs. Run, if you don't want to tell him anything."

"You're staying?" he asked as you leaned against the doorframe.

"Might as well. I don’t think there's much more I can reveal. I already told him I watched him with Lisa and Ben...like a fucking creeper."

"Well, I'm not leaving you, so...truths might be awkward but...we'll deal. Come on."

You followed John to Sam and Dean's room. Sam was sitting on the edge of the closest bed. You looked away from him pointedly and he smirked. "Hi, Y/n. Dad," he greeted.

"Got tired of following me, you decided to pull Dean out of retirement?"

"Little more complicated than that." He stood and you had to force yourself not to cringe away from him. "I would have let him stay in suburbia but he was targeted by a djinn. Had to save his life."

You rolled your eyes and looked up at him. "About five months ago? That's when you had to pull him out, huh? That's when I stopped smelling you."

"And that’s when you started fucking Dad again?" You swallowed as he stepped even closer. "As soon as you thought you weren’t being watched? Fell right back into those old omega habits."

"Back off, Sam. Unless you wanna know what a shotgun up the ass feels like, you're going to keep your distance." Sam smirked as he stepped back. "You weren't just watching me, you were stalking me…and you don't get to say anything about my habits or who I've been sharing a bed with. You smell like a damn whorehouse."

"A guy needs hobbies."

"Can we not?" Dean walked out of the bathroom and gave a pointed look at Sam. "Let's just sit down and go over the job, okay? Can we do that?"

"Sure." Sam acquiesced easily and moved to sit down again but you shook your head.

"I can try to do that, but if Sam keeps looking at me like he's going to have his way with me, I'm going to lash out and then I'm going to run away, because I'm largely a coward when it comes to you three and I still don't understand why after all of these years." You bit your lip as hard as you could after you spoke. Guess there were more truths in you.

"You're an omega," Sam responded like it answered everything.

"Since when are you so sexist?" Dean asked, concern in his tone.

"I'm not. 'Sexist' implies I hate something about her being an omega. I don't. I just know that the reason she turns into a puddle of submissive goo around us is because we're alphas and she's an omega." Sam shrugged. "It's basic genetic imperative for her to get down on her knees in the presence-"

"She's the most badass omega we've ever met, Sam! She's-"

"Yeah, but she's still an omega, Dean," Sam interrupted easily. "She's built for submission, built for breeding. You put the world's most alpha alphas with any omega and it doesn’t fucking matter. I mean…" He chuckled and turned away. "Don't even gotta look at her. Omega, get on your knees."

You ground your teeth together as you fought against the Voice but you lost the fight. You dropped to your knees, sitting on your heels and looking down at the dingy carpet. Dean and John were too shocked at Sam's blatant rudeness to do anything as he turned and leaned over you. "If I wanted to have my way with you, I would just order you to strip and bend you over. I haven't done that. If you keep giving me attitude, I might. So maybe keep your comments to yourself."

You looked up as Dean's boots came into view and Sam's boots stepped back. Dean had his hand on his brother’s shoulder. "I don't know what's up with you but you need to back the fuck up off'a her. She's not your omega. Her marks are fucking gone...and you might not care what's rude anymore, but using the Voice on a 'mega that don't belong to you is not kosher, man." Dean let go of Sam and turned to you. "Omega, you can stand."

You stood angrily and looked away from them to John standing off by himself. "Can we get this over with? I'm itching to get back to killing shit."

Dean sighed. "Yeah, okay. So, pretty sure we're looking at the pagan goddess, Veritas. You know anything about-"

"We're gonna need dog's blood," you interrupted.

"Ya know, I almost gave you and Sammy up after your mother died," John said suddenly. "Thought about dropping you both at the fire station and driving away, starting over somewhere. Thought about leaving you with Jim and never coming back a couple times, too. Every time, I convinced myself that Mary would want you together, want you with me. Knowing what I know now, I think she would have rathered you go into the system than end up hunters."

"Dad." Dean swallowed thickly and took a deep breath. "Shut up." He licked his lips, throwing a glance to see if that admission got to Sam. It obviously didn't so Dean started to talk about the different victims. You listened intently, keeping your eyes off of Sam. You didn't want to see him. You didn't want to be around him. You didn’t want to be around Dean's curse. You just wanted to be alone. You just-

"I think about going back to the Underworld a lot," you admitted as Dean talked about the Biggerson's server. Everyone turned to look at you. "Being dead was boring but at least it wasn't painful. Does it count as suicide if all you do is bury a coin and get on a boat?"

"Yeah." Sam nodded. "Speaking of...Omega, bring me that drachma." Sam demanded. Again, you tried to fight the Voice, but you couldn't. You stood and dug your hand into your pocket.

"Omega, stop," John demanded, overriding his son's order. "What the hell, son? What are you doing?"

"I'm removing the option for her painless suicide. You want to lose her like that, Dad? I thought you cared about her."

"I...I do care about her, but I'm not going to take away her choice. You have a habit of that, Sam, and it doesn’t endear you to anybody."

You looked over at John, grateful for his intervention. You needed the coin. The coin was a failsafe. It was a safety net.

"Look, can we just...can we focus on the job, please? Between surprise confessions on this side of the room and Sammy cutting Y/n down with a blunt fucking knife over here, I'm gettin' tired, okay? Let's get this done."

You all agreed to try and focus.

But of course, going against the Goddess of Truth was harder than it seemed. Going into Ashley Frank’s mansion to attack Veritas was a bad idea. She easily got the upper hand, forcing Dean to admit that he wanted to kill Sam because he thought he was a monster, but he was sure his brother was okay now that he asked him about something important knowing Sam couldn’t lie to him.

“And what about the girl? She’s such a pretty little ball of self-deprecation. How do you feel about her?”

You could see Dean fight to keep the words inside, but he growled and glared up at her. “I’m so in love with her that it hurts but I can’t let myself be with her because I know I’m gonna get her dead if I try to be with her for more than a few nights at a time.” Your eyes went wide as you tried to get out of the ropes binding you. “That’s why I let her pretend to be dead.”

“What?” you squeaked. Veritas looked over at you. “You knew?” The Goddess’ eyes moved back to Dean.

“Of course, I did. I could feel you in my soul, Y/n, and I smelled you every time you came to visit. God, it was so hard to be with Lisa the days after I smelled you in the yard...but I was hoping, when you stopped comin’, that you gave up on me. I really didn’t want you to end up with Dad again, though.”

Veritas turned to you. “And you? Why did you end up with Daddy again?”

“Because Dean was happy with Lisa...and I didn’t want to be alone anymore.”

“But he wasn’t. He already said he’s not a father, he’s a killer.” Veritas smirked as she looked over at Sam. “So, Sam walking back into your life must have been a relief. Hmm, Dean? Mallory to your Mickey. And how do you feel about the band getting back together?” She sat down beside Sam as you looked to John, lying on his side, hogtied. Everything hurt. Your head where she hit you, your heart where Dean did. You almost didn’t hear Sam’s response to Veritas.

“We watch out for each other...and that’s what’s important. And that’s it. That’s the truth.”

Veritas looked completely baffled as she shook her head and stood. “No. No, it’s not.”

Sam’s face went hard. “You said yourself, I can’t lie.”

“How are you doing that?” the goddess demanded. “That’s not possible. You’re lying to me!”

“No. I’m not!” Sam insisted, but everyone in the room knew he was.

“What are you?” Veritas looked at Dean. “What is he?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sam defended.

“Really? I doubt that. I doubt anything that comes out of your mouth right now. You’re not human,” she accused.

Dean looked scared and panic filled his scent. “What?”

“You didn’t know that? Now, that I believe,” Veritas commented as Sam got out of his binds and attacked her.

The fight was Veritas versus Sam and Dean, a blur of fists and hooks and knives dipped in dogs’ blood and then Dean holding a knife up to Sam, murderous intent in his eyes as you and John tried to get free.

“Dean, it’s me,” Sam tried to soothe his brother.

“You are not my brother,” Dean responded, advancing on him.

“Just listen.”

“What are you?!”

“I’m me, Dean. Look, please, just let me explain.”

“Why the hell should I believe anything you say?”

“Okay, okay. You want the truth? Here it is. Here it is. God’s honest...she was right. There’s something wrong with me, really wrong,” Sam admitted as you pulled your hand through the rope holding you. “I’ve known it for a while. I mean, since I was still stalking Y/n. I lied to you. Yeah. And...I let you get turned by that vamp. Because I knew there was a cure. Dean, and we needed in that nest! And I knew you could handle it!”

“Handle it?! I could’ve died. I could’ve killed Ben.”

“And that should stop me cold. All of this should. But I--I just don’t feel it.”

“You what?” Dean asked as you pulled John up and circled closer to the brothers.

“Ever since I came back, I am a-a better hunter than I’ve ever been! Nothing scares me anymore! ‘Cause I can’t feel it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think...I need help.”

There was almost a begging quality to Sam’s eyes, and it seemed to have done the job to save Sam for a moment as Dean turned away and set the knife on one of the glass shelves beside him. You could see him warring inside of himself and saw the relief on Sam’s face when he realized that Dean wasn’t planning to kill him, anymore. Relief turned to shock as John and Dean launched at the largest Winchester, fists flying with rage and fear. Neither stopped until you stepped in, grabbing their jackets and pulling them off-balance to land on their asses beside Sam’s beaten and bloody body.

“We won’t be able to find out what’s wrong with him if you beat him to death.”

Dean kicked his legs out and ran his blood-stained hands down his face. “Fuck. What are we supposed to do now?”

“Same as always,” you said, offering your hand to him. “We figure out what we’re up against and then...we take it out. One way or the other.”

Dean licked his lips and looked at your hand for a moment before taking it and standing. He nodded and took a deep breath. “Yeah. Let’s do this. Dad, help me pick ‘im up.”

~~~

The news that Sam didn’t have a soul was, somehow, not that shocking. It was shocking that someone could be walking around without a soul in them, but it wasn’t really shocking that Sam didn’t have one. Not when you considered his actions, his tone, his lack of emotion.

“You’re stuck with the soulless guy,” he said, and he was right. Stuck in the Impala with Sam and John in the back as you drove toward the ‘Campbell Compound’. He was staring out the window, John was staring at him. You were staring at Dean.

You couldn’t get his words under Veritas’ influence out of your head. “I’m so in love with her that it hurts.” ‘So in love’, he said. He said he was in love...and he said he wanted you to be happy, but how were you supposed to be happy without him? He really thought you could be happy without him? He can’t pretend that he doesn’t know you’re in love with him.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you knew I was still alive?” you asked, when mulling it over in your head eventually got to be too much for you.

Dean looked over at you for a moment before focusing on the road again. “Why didn’t you knock on the door and tell me you were alive?”

“I knew you wanted the normal thing. You deserved to be with her.” You turned sideways, looking at Sam and John with your peripheral vision for a minute before scratching at the back of your neck and turning your attention back to Dean. “She’s the woman of your dreams, Dean.”

“And you’re the woman I wished for,” he retorted quickly. “And I’ve dreamed of you, too, ya know?”

“What? I-I didn’t see any evidence of that in-”

“In my dreamscape one time when I was actively trying to push down anything I might be wanting because I knew that I was dying in a few months?” he snapped. He danced the tip of his tongue along the middle of his bottom lip before swallowing and clearing his throat. “I dreamed of you. Not...not picnics and little league, but...it was still...I’m not supposed to be normal, neither are you.”

“So...what you said...when Veritas asked how you feel about me…”

“Do we have to do this now? With your boyfriend and Soulless Wonder in the backseat?”

“When would be better? We don’t know when the next time we’ll get to talk is. We don’t know what’s waiting for us with Grandpa Campbell and the extended family. We don’t know where Sam’s soul is. We don’t know anything about anything and I want to know, finally, what you actually want out of life.”

The car filled with silence as Dean’s jaw clenched and unclenched. “You. I want you...more than I ever wanted normal,” he whispered, eventually.

"If you two need a few minutes, you can pull over and Dad and I can take a leak."

Sam's words broke the small spell that Dean’s had placed on you and you turned back toward the windshield. "Shut up."

"I mean, Dad probably needs a few minutes. He's just lost his omega again."

"Sam, she said shut it," Dean snapped.

"You gonna mark her this time, Dean? Maybe we can all take a piece of-"

John's fist zipped out and smashed into Sam's cheekbone. "Everyone has told you to shut up, son. You need to shut the fuck up."

Sam chuckled as he settled back into the leather. "Yes, sir. Wouldn't want to speak out of turn, sir."

"Yeah. This is fun." Dean shook his head and reached out to turn up the radio.

~~~

You and John waited in the car as Sam and Dean went into the compound to talk to Samuel and have Castiel check if the old man had a soul.

"You don't have to feel bad, no matter what Sam tries to say." You turned to look at John and he smiled. "You and Dean, you're finally being honest with each other again. There's no reason not to be with him."

"You won't be mad?" you asked, softly.

"Do you feel anger from me?" You didn't feel anything but concern so you shook your head. "Look, kid. I care about you and I feel you in my soul, just like Dean said back in Illinois, but I...I can't ever love you. Mary took my heart when I was an actual young man and she will never be replaced. I can't ever love you how you deserve. I can care about you and I do, but Dean loves you." John leaned forward and rested his chin on the back of the front seat, staring into your eyes. "He's finally come to his senses and fessed up to how he feels and I will not stand in the way of that. I won't demand you adhere to pack dynamics or try to stop you. You and Dean deserve the hunter-normal that he dreamed of."

You smiled softly. "Thank you, John."

"I'm still here for you," he said sincerely. "Whenever you need me, I'm here."

"I'm glad to have you. I...I don’t anticipate smooth sailing here and I'm just...I'm glad you're sticking around."

"We never have had smooth sailing. We always manage."

"Yes, we do."

"So...Samuel's got a soul," Dean said as soon as he pulled open the driver’s door and dropped into the front seat. "I'm not exactly sure where to go from here on Sam's situation, but we got roped into a job with Grandpa and the cousins so, uh, we're...Sam and I are gonna-"

"What, just the two of you?" You shook your head in confusion. "Why?"

Dean's cheeks went pink as he caught your eyes. "The cousins are all alphas, even Gwen. They're not...they're kinda antagonistic on a good day and Sam told me that they're pretty archaic on the whole 'omega hunter' thing. They give Samuel shit for teaching Mom how to hunt; they wouldn't be cool with you tagging along. And Samuel straight-up hates Dad's guts so…" Dean cut his eyes at John in the back. "I'm gonna drop you and Dad in town while we go after this vamp nest." Green eyes went soft as he looked back at you. "And when I get back...we'll talk. Okay?"

You could tell he meant "We'll talk about our future," so you just nodded.

"All right. Let's get you outta here while they get prepped." He turned the engine over and reversed out of the drive, heading for the closest town. He reached out and gently grabbed the back of your neck, applying comforting pressure as he drove. In that small action, things seemed like they were going to be okay.

~~~