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school starts tmrw and im lowkey highkey a little scared because i dont share classes with majority of my friends or even people i sorta know and i hate hate hate being alone like that so im lowkey terrified and i also rly need to get off this phone cuz its not helping so farewell ill post if i make it out alive tmrw
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One of the tons of reasons why so many abused children who know they're being abused don't speak up about it to a "trusted adult" is because oftentimes, those so-called trusted adults are ignorant dumbasses when it comes to anything serious.
I can't count all the times I tried to hint at something serious to one of the elders at church/co-op/etc. as a kid or teen and they just answered with shit like "Well, your parents love you very much, you're just too young to understand" or "Then why do you have (insert non-essential item here)? You're not really abused, you just want attention."
I was hit, threatened, screamed at, ignored, touched, locked in closets, and beaten in the name of God for literally the most irrational reasons. Apparently I'm still too young to understand as an adult how that was love and protection, let alone sanctioned by Jesus.
These ignorant adults are also the first to slam their hand down and immediately shout "I didn't know it was going to happen!!!" when a kid kills themselves because they denied the signs and dismissed them.
It happens way more than I'd like to admit. Ever since I was ~7, I knew that I only had myself to rely on because all of the authority figures I was told to run to (except one lady from years ago) collectively had the cognitive skills equal to a sack of bricks.
I'm still trying to deconstruct the self-reliance I built myself around. Still, to this day, I'd rather suffer from something like sepsis before I ever seek treatment or help from anybody but myself.
God I hate myself
“Oh but High school will be the best times of your life-“ NO IT WONT!!!! Cuz unlike my middle school years, I was actually stuck with MY people, other Romani kids not white kids!!! I’m not trying to be prejudice against them but I couldn’t even get my acceptance letter without being stared at and you think THOSE years are gonna the best??? Maybe for other white kids but it definitely won’t be for me…. I’m gonna be again that “gypsy kid” without a name..
I will forever miss middle school when i was actually seen as my own person and not “that gypsy kid”, when i could just chill without being stared at or called a thief… 
is it weird that I feel left out of most things? I just feel excluded from most things, groups, etc. I just feel like no one acknowledges me as a friend or part of a thing
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I grieve a world where DID and plurality in general is not demonised and any system can be open and honest without ridicule, shame or just complete dismissal. I really hope we can get to that point one day.
istg this family is a nightmare
Never thought I'd be posting about this, but I just feel sick to my stomach and hopeless because of how long I've been keeping this in.
Does anybody else really hyperfixate on a person/band/anything and then get super upset when you find something wrong about them? Like the "not wanting to do anything for weeks" kind of upset?
I hate to admit it, but it's absolutely wrecking me inside and there's nothing I can do about it because I can't really choose my long term hyperfixations.
This is usually how it goes for me:
• I find a really good obsession/get back into it.
• It consumes my life for months. It's my lifeline, taking up 60-70% of my thoughts every day, possibly more.
• Very swiftly, they become my role model(s). I get very passionate about them and it's the only thing I can compare myself too, even if I feel like dirt. Probably one of my only reasons to live too.
• I get a nagging itch to learn everything about the history of said obsession and the people behind it.
• Somehow, some way, I find a controversy/wrongdoing with my role model and I'm just absolutely destroyed inside. Sometimes it isn't even sensible to be so sad about or just a rumor, but I just spiral into wanting to kill everything inside and then myself.
• I tunnel into despair until I find a new obsession to latch onto and inevitably hurt myself with.
It's even bled into being a passive fear of mine. What if even the people I love and surround myself with IRL are the ones who are going to do things I can't tolerate? What if one of them could do horrible things to me?
Sometimes I feel like there are no more truly loving people on this earth. Except maybe the very kind ex-addict lady at my childhood church who treated me like my own person, never violated me like the others, and checked in on me when she caught wind of me hurting myself. I always thought to myself that her baby boy was lucky as hell to have a mom like her.
Hell, at one point I even considered her an angel because of the way she shielded me from my aggressive father and made sure I was okay. Not even my own mother had the guts to protect me like she did, and I had only known this lady for half a year before shit went down.
...Alright... Deep breath...
Yeah. That's it. Just wanted to get that off my chest, and I kind of didn't want this on my main blog so here it is.
