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there are two wolves inside me. one of them is really actually the devil whos telling me im shit at art always will be always has been and all these years of passion mean nothing at all and the other wolf is lowkey listening but half heartedly saying that a lot of bad days and stress and shit makes what you make hot garbage and thats okat.
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hungry. but after earlier i can't. i cant go and just warm up shit or whatever. feels wrong. feels kinda undeserved. so. hundred grand bar it is.
people in my life have wondered why I can get so negitave so fast. WHEN THEY WANT US DEAD. GENUINELY DEAD. THEY DONT WANT US TO LIVE.
THEY DONT WANT US TO HAVE FOOD. ITS ALL STEADILY GETTING MORE AND MORE EXPENSIVE SO GOD FORBID YOU HAVE TROUBLES OR ARE STAPPED FOR CASH. THEY DONT PAY PEOPLE ENOUGH TO LIVE. THEY DONT CARE IF YOUR DISABLED OR IN SCHOOL OR IF ANYTHING! NOT IF YOUR OLD NOT IF YOUR YOUNG.
THEY. DONT. CARE. THEY JUST WANT US DEAD. PEOPLE ALL THE TIME ARE GETTING LESS AND LESS FOOD STAMPS. HRA CONSTANTLY WANTS TO FUCK YOU IN THE ASS AND MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT. THEY DONT WANT PEOPLE LIKE US ALIVE.
THEY DONT WANT TO ALIVE.
I LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE I AM STILL WANTED DEAD. NOT EVEN JUST BECAUSE IM QUEER. NOT EVEN JUST BECAUSE IM BLACK AND HISPANIC. THEY WANT ME DEAD BECAUSE IM NOT WEALTHY.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY FUCKING LIFE I THOUGHT TO MYSELF AS I STOOD BESIDE MY WEEPING MOTHER WAS 'IM GOING TO DIE BEFORE __ NOT BECAUSE OF SUICIDE BUT BECAUSE OF THIS.'
I'm tired. I've cried and cried. I haven't eaten. I haven't paced. I haven't done anything for myself beyond a brief moment of joy with my friends. But what does that matter when I'm going to die regardless of anything and everything? Beyond the fact we all do someday. I'm going to die not because of that but because they specifically want people like me six feet under.
I WANT TO DRAW.
SAYS THE GUY WHO WONT FUCKING DRAW
dull head pain. that feeling in my chest again. i need something to distract myself before i lose myself
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i call this one. 'yer a fuckin' idiot'
i wanna bash my head against this tableeeeeeee
god I wanna eat when i get home but I should probably do the smart thing and be actually productive. Start clearing shit out, pack half my shit (other portion minus a few things get packed at night) get travel fuller travel details in writing. Then more cleaning and clearing. Throw shit out, probably sweep a little. And I have to go to bed early tonight so i can get up early and finish clearing and packing and god this blows.
