#sorrie

     “dad?”

     “yeah?”

     bucky stopped where he was shoveling at their driveway, staring into the icy cement as he mulled over what he wanted to say exactly. “how did you know you were in love with mama?”

     his father mirrored him, straightening his back with a groan and leaning on his shovel for support. “you and that dolores getting serious?” he grinned.

     “no...”

     despite the way bucky turned away, his father could still see his cheeks flush from more than the cold. “well, we started off as good friends, but i think we both knew we liked one another.” going back to shoveling, james continued, “one day, i had the thought to kiss her, and i did.”

     bucky rolled his eyes at the answer. “yeah, but how did you know it was love?”

     “there ain’t really one moment that happens, kiddo,” his father chuckled. “it’s a whole bunch of things. it’s when you like even the smallest, strangest thing about someone.”

     “such as?”

     again, james took a break from clearing the driveway to face his son. “sometimes when your mother ties her hair up in the summer, she gets these little, wispy pieces that fall out at the back of her head, right by her neck... that’s the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen, i swear. or when she wears those socks that are always fallin’ down into her shoes, and spends the whole day complaining instead of just changin’ them out... that makes me wanna kiss her to no end.”

     “gross,” bucky whined, kicking at a clump of snow.

     james laughed, wagging his finger at his son. “you’re not in love yet, then. you’ll get it one day.”

     bucky simply sighed in frustration, following after his father to continue shoveling.

     as he cleared another strip of snow from the driveway, a thought popped into james’s head. one that made his shovel come to a stop. “you know, jimmy,” he started, clearing his throat. “if you’re... serious about that girl, you should... be careful.”

     furrowing his brows, bucky stressed, “i’m treating her right.”

     “no, i know you are. i’m talking about... being safe. you know... protection.”

     “jesus, dad!” bucky shrieked, “i-i know!”

     “well, i’m just makin’ sure.” he let a beat pass between them before he spoke up again. “you don’t need me to buy you any, do-”

     “no,” bucky bit, “stop talking about it.”

     “alright,” james nodded.

~

     it was getting late, the agreed upon time creeping up on him after becca had rushed him out for the night. only after he’d mentioned he was supposed to be spending the evening with a certain neighbor of his. he could tell by the look in his sister’s eyes that she was expecting something to come of his otherwise routine visit across the yard.

     scratching at his chin, he decided to pick up the phone.

     “if it ain’t father time himself!” sam cheered.

     bucky shook his head. “you know i’m actually probably younger than you after all the ice, right?”

     “psh. you wish.”

     he could hear the commotion in the background, not enough to be a party, but enough to be company. “where the hell are you?”

     “some guys and i rented a little spot away from the city for the weekend. keep clear of the fireworks and all that shit.”

     right. fireworks. an integral part of the holiday. one which bucky was hoping would be at a minimum for the first time in his life.

     “your best friend is here,” sam said, “he’s already-”

     “buckyyyy!”

     even through the phone, bucky could tell walker was putting on his usual drunk act despite how alcohol had as much of an effect on him as it did bucky. “jesus christ.”

     “i miss you, man!”

     “okay, john. time to give sam the phone back.”

     “don’t you miss me?”

     dropping his hand to his thigh to roll his eyes up at the heavens, bucky hesitated to even bring the phone back to his ear. “sure,” he lied.

     “aw...”

     there was shuffling before sam finally came back. “i’m hoping he passes out soon.”

     “hey, i heard that!”

     “i know,” sam stated, “that’s why i said it.”

     bucky laughed at his friend... friends... reluctant friends, plural. “i’d like to know what exactly he’s accomplishing pretending to be plastered.”

     “pissing you and me the hell off.”

     he couldn’t really argue with that.

     “what are you doing tonight, big man?”

     at the question, bucky perked up slightly. “about to jump in the shower... i’m going over by her tonight.”

     “ooh,” sam howled, “tonight’s the night!”

     “i-i don’t think so...”

     “did you shave?”

     brows furrowing, bucky scratched at his chin again with his pinkie. “no? i’ve been keeping it shorter, but i don’t wanna-”

     “no, no, not your beard, man! your goods, buck! did you shave your goods?”

     “wha- what... why the hell would i-”

     like it was the dumbest question he’d ever heard, sam huffed, “the ladies like everything smooth now.”

     “i’m not-”

     “he’s right,” john butted in again, “not olivia, but she says all her friends do.”

     “see?” sam asked.

     bucky scoffed. “you’re gonna listen to that idiot?”

     “i’m just saying...”

     “i’m not shaving my- no. you know what? i’m going. goodbye.”

     “go get ’er, stud!”

     the click of the handset connecting back onto the cradle echoed in his home for a second, ringing in his ears longer. he shook his head, laughed, shook his head again as he finally stepped into his bathroom.

     as he waited for the water to heat up through the frigid pipes, he stared at himself in the mirror. his gaze fell, roaming over his chest and the thick hairs that coated it, all the way down to the edge of his stomach where... no. he shook his head once again and swore he was going to kill sam and john for putting the thought in his head.

     but his face, though... maybe it’d be nice to feel the air on his cheeks again.

     “you’re bald!” his neighbor squealed when she opened her door for him.

     it made bucky chuckle and rub at his freshly smooth jaw. “just the beard... don’t like it?”

     stepping aside, she shut the door behind him and hummed, “you’re as handsome as every time i’ve seen you.”

     bucky recognized his own words, ducked his head to avoid her smug grin as he unzipped his jacket for alpine to jump out of. “yeah, yeah...”

     “stop being shy,” she teased, dropping her voice to try and match his. he grew more flustered with each word, no longer able to hide half of it behind his beard. she took pity on him. hardly. “it looks good. you’ve got a great jawline.”

     “tha- mm-hm... thanks.”

     “that’s the cutest thing in the entire world, by the way.” at his confused look, she motioned to his jacket where alpine had hitched a ride over. “i can’t get over it.”

     bucky chuckled, thankful to have the attention off himself for a moment. “she likes going for rides on the bike like that.”

     “cute,” she cooed, “she must get it from you.”

     “are you gonna torture me straight into the new year?”

     pretending to contemplate her options, she hummed and smirked at him. “it’s tempting.”

     again, he tried to hide his flush, using the need to slip his jacket entirely off as cover. as she giggled at him, too pleased with herself, he couldn’t help but notice how she was already showered for the night. bare-faced and settled into her pajamas, comfortable and no longer shy. that was his thing, now, apparently. the sleeves of her shirt were too long, whether by design or pure luck on his part, pulled over her hands as they pointed out all the snacks she’d set up for the evening. but bucky was locked in on her shirt and the way it clung to her like a second skin. the tightness of it tempting his palm to spread across it.

     “help yourself,” she beamed.

     she would come to regret her words if he were to truly follow them.

     instead, he made his way to the fridge as she sat herself on the couch. before he could pry into it for a drink, he noticed the new addition to the freezer door. a picture of him, asleep on his sister’s couch with his niece equally unconscious on his chest. he’d made it to her freezer. alongside polaroids of her cats and a glossy image of her and who he assumed to be her friend.

     “i don’t even know who’s supposed to be performing,” she grumbled around a mouthful of popcorn, turning the volume up as new year’s rockin’ eve finally started.

     bucky sank down next to her, shrugging like she’d been asking him. “i can’t believe this is still on.”

     “you haven’t watched? like, since you... got out?”

     taking a sip of his beer, he shook his head. “not really big on new year’s.”

     almost on cue, someone in the park decided to celebrate early, setting off a firework and making him jump. her hand went to his back, rubbing across his shoulders soothingly but losing to another round of explosions, quick and repetitive. bucky hadn’t noticed his grip on the bottle tightening until she was carefully pulling it from his hand and setting it on the coffee table.

     “sorry,” he croaked, damp palm fisting into his hair.

     with a shake of her head, she cupped her hand over his, easing it from his hair and guiding his gaze to her. his eyes were wild and frantic, showing what he was clearly trying so hard to hide. the way he flinched when another pop sounded made her chest ache.

     sitting forward, she tentatively reached both hands up, watching his face for any hesitation before she placed them over his ears.

     if only just from her touch, bucky sighed shakily, letting his eyes fall shut under her protection. he could still hear, felt his muscle twitch at every bang and whistle of rockets shooting through the air. but he breathed, counted slowly in his head, allowed his hand to wrap around her wrist.

     she watched as his lips formed each number silently, thumb stroking over his smooth cheek.

     blowing out a breath, bucky opened his eyes slowly, staring at her where she smiled softly at him. in her living room. in her trailer. in the park. in the safety of his hometown.

     his hand slid up her forearm, starting as just a signal that he was alright, but quickly turning selfish when he let his touch linger despite her hands falling away.

     “thank you,” he whispered, testing the feel of her bicep in his hold through her shirt.

     “wanna try wearing my headphones?” she asked, pretending not to notice the way he squeezed at her arm. “they muffle things a little.”

     “no, no, i’ll be alright. just...” hold me. stay with me. “i’ll be alright.”

     she nodded, only stopped from bursting through her front door and ripping everyone in the neighborhood a new one by his hold on her.

     “you just reminded me,” he started, having to clear his throat from the way his voice trembled. “were you serious about making me a-a mixtape?”

     watching him a moment, she brought her hand to rest over his again. “if you want.”

     “yeah, i’d... i’d like that.”

     “okay.”

     a lull came over them, permeating throughout the town it seemed as the fireworks ceased. if only for a little while, until the adults of the area could finally celebrate by themselves. bucky’s hand had fallen away from her arm, leaving her despondent for a time until he slid himself closer. they could whisper to one another once she lowered the television, main festivities still a little ways away. his heart was racing. from residual anxiety, from a new kind under her gaze.

     it had fallen to his lips as they spoke, seemingly eager to observe them without the obstruction of his beard. he didn’t say anything, didn’t comment on how obvious she was being. maybe in her mind she was being slick about it. maybe if they hadn’t been so close, she would have been.

     at some point, closer to midnight, he’d noticed her beginning to fidget with her ear, just like she had the night she fell asleep on his couch. a motion he had come to find was self-soothing, a lullaby before she succumbed to sleep. so to wake her back up, he tested the waters, licking across his bottom lip to see the way her eyes tracked it before meeting his. when he dipped one eye into a wink, she cracked, covering her face and groaning in annoyance.

     bucky laughed, breathy and quiet, kept his voice equally so. “you’re tired.”

     “no, i’m fine,” she whined, sinking further into the cushions.

     he could see it in her eyes no matter what she said or how much he teased. she was losing steam fast. “get some sleep, sweetheart.”

     with an almost petulant shake of her head, she dug her fists into the cushions under her. “we’re this close,” she huffed, pinching her fingers together. “i’m not giving up.”

     “alright.”

     but it wan’t long, not at all, when he saw her eyelids drooping lower and lower, held in his laugh the few times her head bobbed before she jerked upright again. and eventually, she had to have admitted defeat in her mind, even if she wouldn’t speak it aloud, as she curled herself onto her side and placed her feet in his lap. and then she was gone, off in that place between sleep and awake where he selfishly wished for her to find him most nights.

     bucky was careful, had a long history of stealth working on his side as he peeled himself up and reached for the remote to lower the volume. he set it back on her coffee table, sighing when it went down without a sound amidst the spread of snacks they’d pecked at for hours.

     for once, he was thankful that sleep didn’t call for him. that he could sit there and watch the peaceful look that overcame his neighbor’s face. trace down over her shoulder and waist, the curl of her hip. she had the ankles of her sweatpants tucked into her socks. the ones she’d worn that night at his house. he was selfish, so, so incredibly selfish to trace his thumb over the top of them just so he could feel her warmth seeping through the cotton. when he could finally pull his eyes away, he found her face again, relieved to see it still lax with sleep.

     fifteen, fourteen, thirteen...

     his palm slid around her calf, rough skin catching on the worn fabric of her sweats.

     ten, nine, eight...

     if he could just let go, let the last chains of guilt and insecurity and fear fall off from his limbs, he could have her.

     five, four, three, two, one...

     cheers erupted through the television, quiet especially under the roar of fireworks outside. they were further away than before, didn’t quite have his hair standing up as much. when he glanced at the tv, the host was kissing his wife, crowds of people hugging and embracing one another. and he was left to stare at his neighbor’s lips until the shape of them was burned into his eyes each time he blinked.

     sitting forward, he grabbed the remote to shut the television off, letting it hang in his hold a moment longer as he stared at her again.

     she didn’t stir as he slipped from under her legs and padded into her bedroom. all the cats had congregated there, hers on the bed and alpine in the rocker. her boy jumped down to escape when bucky moved to pull back her covers.

     he knelt before her, admiring her for maybe the last time before moving to get a hold on her. but when she stirred, he pulled back, swallowing thickly and smiling at the sleepy furrow to her brows.

     “hey,” he whispered.

     the couch creaked under her as she propped herself up on one hand. “what time’s it?”

     bucky tried not to look too sheepish. “i don’t know exactly.”

     the realization dawned on her slowly, her gaze drifting over his shoulder to the blank television screen. “i missed it.”

     he shook his head as he smiled, placing his hand on her knee. “it’ll come again.”

     her disappointment was evident, slumping her shoulders and pulling a slight grimace over her features. they quickly shifted to confusion. “were you about to try and carry me to bed?”

     “no,” he chuckled, “i was going to carry you to bed.”

     “awfully sure of yourself,” she hummed, tapping his hand to signal for them to stand up. “i’ll save you the trouble.”

     it wouldn’t be trouble. not in the slightest.

     she tried to dismiss him when he offered to help clear away their snacks, unaware of his ulterior motive to linger in her home just a few moments longer. maybe it would help him build up the courage he wished so desperately to find.

     at her door, he shucked on his jacket, throwing a whistle down the hall for alpine. and stared down at his neighbor as she stared up at him.

     “night, sweetheart,” he breathed.

     “goodnight, bucky. happy new year.”

     part of her knew there was no use in hoping, tried to convince herself that she was just standing firm to wait for the moment she could lock up behind him and head to bed with a whisper of disappointment at her neck.

     but then bucky took a step forward and caught her off guard, left her frozen in the breath of time between when he wrapped his arm around her and she let her own arms snake around his neck.

     there was a buzz of adrenaline under her skin, the same tickling beneath his as they got swept away in the sudden rush of unexplored intimacy. her chin was perched on his shoulder, eyes rushing around the wall surrounding her front door and heart beginning to race within her chest. with everything in her, she hoped he couldn’t feel it against his, had to hold in her gasp when he pulled her in closer and nearly lifted her off her feet.

     bucky’s palm spread across her back, savoring the warmth of her sleep-baked skin through her shirt, fingers curling slightly when she ducked her face into his neck. they must have been bruising when he realized she’d taken in a deep inhale once it came out long and hot on his skin.

     finally, after all those months, she got to really indulge in the aftershave he always left in his wake, the bite of musk beneath it that clung to his jacket from all the hours it spent on him between washes. if her eyes fluttered shut, it was a small miracle, acceptable compared to the whimper she had to fight from escaping her lips.

     his thumb began to rub over her back, face turning further into her. fruit. apple or something tangier, maybe a hint of citrus. that’s what always lingered in his senses, teasing him as it never grew strong enough for him to identify. growing sweeter the closer he got to her neck, an involuntary hum rumbling in his chest.

     she jumped at the chance, squeezing him gently enough not to startle him back from the line they were toeing. because that was it. they had finally made the foolish mistake of blessing one another with a touch more than warm palms or brushing elbows. because now they both knew how good it felt to be in each other’s arms, and they couldn’t go back. her fingers would have been shaking were they not gripping onto the fabric of his jacket once his hand slid up her spine and settled at her nape. then it came. a tiny gasp, so airy and light she almost didn’t catch it herself.

     but he must have. pulling back slowly, shattering their bubble and leaving her to desperately take in another lungful of his scent just in case she never got to experience it that strongly again.

     bucky didn’t go far, not at first. he couldn’t bring himself to cut the string just yet, and left them suspended in the transition between hug and departure. still holding each other, still so close as they stared at one another. something within his muscles activated on its own, causing his head to duck in toward hers just as she craned hers up toward his.

     and then something brushed at his leg, a trill of disturbed sleep sounding over an otherwise quiet in the air.

     they pulled apart with a tremble to their lips, bucky’s pinching as he gulped and crouched down for alpine to jump into his jacket. his neighbor had clearly tried to hide the way her face fell from him, only the last second of her frown giving her away when he stood back up.

     “happy new year,” he finally rasped.

     she smiled at him. even if he wished for her to shake him and rattle the sense into him. always just smiled at him.

     he felt her eyes on him as he shuffled through their yards, watching to make sure he made it safely across the single lot of space between them. bucky kept strong, didn’t let her see the way his vision began to flash with each pop that lit up the sky above them, gave her a wave and a weak smile once he was inside. it dropped instantly as soon as she shut her door, bucky collapsing onto the floor and squeezing his eyes shut.

     the weight of his empty house crashed onto him, frustration mounting when his left hand was nowhere to be found to come up and cup over his ear alongside his right. a particularly bright flash behind his eyelids sent him careening backward, smashing into the side of his washing machine as his chest heaved. even with his eyes open, the lights outside burst through his windows and illuminated the bodies in front of him, them and the pools of blood surrounding them fading in and out.

     he began to scramble, crawling away like a wounded animal into the cave of his bedroom in hopes of licking at its wounds. they were rotten, making him sick the longer they festered, the longer he was trapped listening to the seemingly never-ending eruptions outside his home with nothing... no one to ground him.

     his sheets popped free from where they were tucked under his mattress as he pulled on them to drag his way up. under the safety of them, he could finally find the strength to quietly count to himself and fist at his pillow until it was the perfect shape to fold over his head.

     one, two, three, four, five...

     his knees curled toward his chest, shaking as he jerked from the bang of another firework.

     eight, nine, ten...

     that’s all they were. fireworks. and he was in his bedroom. there was no one around, no bodies lying across his kitchen floor. he wasn’t there anymore.

     thirteen, fourteen, fifteen...

     he was home. he’d escaped. he never had to go back to that place, that... thing that he was for all those years. at least not when he was awake.

     there was no escaping the hauntings of his mind as it was supposed to be resting. when he had finally managed to fall into nothingness after a night of panting and choking on sobs of desperate frustration.

     there was no escaping the foggy visions of her clawing at his hand, cold and glinting silver, wrapped around her throat hard enough for him to feel the snap of tissue and veins. harder and harder until there was a final, sickening crack and her eyes went flat, sending him jolting back and frantically clawing at his carpet to get his bearings.