#soooo long

“Everything’s okay,” I try to control my voice. “I just came to talk, about yesterday. I didn’t realize you would be...” I gesture to his outfit and his shame deepens.

“You came all this way can you just--”

“I should really get back to work,” I repeat again. I felt the sting of tears, I was stupid to come here and think Harry and I could casually put a bandaid over us. I also wasn’t sure why seeing him coming home from his night like this felt like my shame.

“Y/N,” he says softly. He takes the hand that’s basically destroyed the lift button and pulls it away. It forces me to look up at him. my jaw hurts from clenching it so I don’t cry. “We can talk.”

“I can’t stay,” I shake my head. “I just wanted to apologize for being so harsh yesterday. And I’m okay doing your event, I bumped your appointment up to this week so we can get started on it since we got distracted yesterday.” The lift finally opens. My safe haven. I look down at his hand on mine--I’d forgotten how unusually smooth his hands were; graceful and strong like he was always meant to be a musician. “I do have to get in now.”

“Okay,” he lets go of my hand and we don’t say a word as I get in and turn back. We make eye contact as the doors slide shut and as soon as they do, I slump against the railing. Barely catching my breath, I look at my reflection. I looked sucker-punched. I regret coming here today.

Harry’s POV:

I regret going last night.

It was fun, but I regret everything that followed. How could Y/N take me seriously if this is how she finds me when she is ready for a serious talk.

I slam my front door shut, at least I was going to see her sooner. And speaking of, I should probably let my manager know what I was planning for February. I groan, today was going to be a long day. But surprisingly by the time I have the conversation that afternoon, it isn’t as disastrous as Y/N and I this morning:

“Why...did you agree to that?” Jeff asks me when I spill the beans. “That sounds out of budget.”

“No it doesn’t have to be,” I try to backtrack. “Y/N, the person I hired to organize this is amazing. If I give her a budget she’ll stick to it so we don’t have to spend a lot and--”

“Y/N?” he raises an eyebrow. “Like Y/N—the Y/N you’re brooding about all the time?”

“Yeah, she does events.”

“Harry what are you getting yourself into? Are you trying to impress her or...?”

“No,” maybe. “I’m just trying to kill two birds with one stone—just say yes? I’ll fund whatever is over your budget?”

He drags his hand down his face and then nods. “Don’t make me regret this.”

“You won’t,” I kiss his cheek. That was a lot easier than I thought.

***

The days blur by as they do when I’m finishing an album. By the time Thursday rolls around, I’m buzzing to see Y/N again. She occupies so much of my thoughts these days, mostly for all the time I missed. I was still processing the fact that she had a three-year-old son, her life must be so different from what we had. She had a son.

I’d admit it to nobody, but I got angry drunk last night over the constant thoughts. Angry at myself, and as fucked up as it is, for whoever Y/N had her kid with. He had the life with her I wanted, even if he wasn’t in the picture. Y/N would have a piece of him forever. It was jealousy and possessive and unhealthy, and I paid for it this morning when I could barely see the stream of sunlight through my bedroom window without wanting to hurl.

“You’re early,” Y/N says sarcastically when I arrive 20 minutes late to our meeting. There’s one other person here that she introduces me to and who I forget the name of because the painkillers have yet to work their magic and my head is killing me.

“Rough night sorry,” my voice sounds like coarse sandpaper. “Sorry to make you ladies wait.”

“Let’s just get started,” she says with a tight-lip smile, she was annoyed with me. Damn, I should have gotten her a coffee before I got here. “Last time we talked we said we would go with a 70s theme and it’ll be medium sized?”

“I’ve put together somewhat of a list,” I pull up my notes app. “It’s just under 50, I’m emailing it to you along with my manager’s details in case you need him for something.”

“That’s helpful, can you CC Em?”

“Em?”

“Em,” she gestures to the blonde beside her and I try to play it off.

Em snorts but Y/N doesn’t look impressed. She asks Em to give us a moment and as soon as the door closes behind her, Y/N’s anger is pointed directly at me. “Is this a joke to you?”

“No of course not! I was lightening the mood. I’m serious about this.”

“Because I’m not here to be taken as a joke,” Y/N crosses her arms. I remember she would do that when she was upset with me. I would always unwind them and wrap them behind my neck, and just being between her scrunched face and the anger, her fists would open her up enough for a smile. My heart pangs when I realize it wasn’t easy like that anymore. We were building from ground zero. “You come in 20 minutes late, obviously distracted and can’t even be arsed to remember Emily’s name!”

“I’m sorry, really!” I try again. “I had a tough night, I’m sorry.”

“Tough night? You drink too much?”

“Maybe, but I wasn’t having a fun time.”

“Poor Harry Styles, try putting a moody toddler to bed for a half hour, and then cleaning up his sick because he’s got the flu.”

“Julien’s sick?” I lean forward. “What are you doing here then?”

“He’s fine, he’s with my mum.” She sighs. “He ate something that didn’t sit right with him but he’s okay, just had a small fever this morning. I can’t call in sick just because he is unfortunately.”

“The meeting was just me,” I feel more worried than she sounds. “You could have cancelled and stayed home.”

“I couldn’t,” Y/N cuts me off. “I’m serious I can’t stay home every time my kid is sick--I’d love to but that’s not how it works! I have a job, and more clients than just you. I call him when I can, and I’ll see him in a few hours.”

“I’m sorry,” I feel the need to apologize again. And then again for good measure, “And I’m sorry for the other morning-”

“Why are you apologizing, it’s your life Harry.” she types something on her laptop.

“I was hoping to have that conversation, and then I show up like that...”

“We’re talking now,” she continues typing. “And we can always talk another time.”

“Can we?” I ask, my tone catches her attention. Her face softens, she looks away and when she looks back at me her brows are pinched. I wasn’t sure what was going through her mind, she was making it hard to read her. There used to be a time when she was as easy to read as a picture book. “Tomorrow, can I pick you up for dinner? We can just talk I-I need to talk to you. Don’t you think we should...talk?” Way to use your language Harry.

“Okay,” she chokes out. “I’ll meet you tomorrow. I’m calling Em back in.”

And so she does, we discuss the event and although Y/N isn’t curt like she was, it almost feels like she avoids looking at me directly. I sit on my hands at one point, with her hand right beside mine I want to hold it and I don’t trust myself. I wonder if we’ll ever get to neutral ground with each other or if my adolescent decisions fucked me over forever.

Y/N’s POV:

“He’s fine Y/N,” my mum pushes me away from Julien. He’s cuddled with his stuffed bear on my mum’s couch watching his cartoons. “If you don’t leave now you’ll never make it on time for your work dinner.”

So I didn’t exactly lie to my mum, I just didn’t want her to know I was meeting the father of my child because--well, she would either get angry about letting him back in my life, or go the other way and ask when we’re becoming one big family again. I was giving her a white lie, and leaving Julien with her who wasn’t as sick as yesterday but still very lethargic and achy.

I crouch down to Jules’ level, he shifts forward so his forehead touch mine. “You smell,” he mumbles to me, leaning in to where I’d spritzed some perfume on my neck.

“I do, don’t I?” I kiss his nose. “If you need anything you tell gran to call me okay? I’ll be home right away.”

“I’m not even sick anymore,” he says while his eyes track the characters on TV. “I’m just sleepy.”

“Okay,” I stroke his head of soft curls. “Don’t stay up too late. I love you.”

“He won’t,” my mom says. I make sure she knows to call me before I head out to meet Harry at a restaurant he picked. It wasn’t somewhere I’d been before, and to be honest with Julien being so sick last night I didn’t have much time to think about what I agreed to. Only on the tube ride there does it hit me.

I’ll hear him out, I figure. I wasn’t going to tell him about Julien, not yet. A plan was shaping in my head--I would help him with his party, finish with him and then tell him when everything settled. It would be a courtesy, I would make it clear Julien was mine and if he wanted a relationship with him he would have to arrange that with me. But today, I would hear him out and smile politely because sometimes, thinking about how Harry and I ended still hurts like it happened yesterday but I couldn’t let him know.

I spot the back of Harry’s head outside the restaurant. When he spots me, he lights up and his smile is a thousand watts directed at me. There was a time when I would have killed to see that smile directed at me, he looked good--it hurt.

I nearly stumble and smile back as brightly but I reign it in. Instead I wave, and rush to get beside him. There was a certain magnetism with Harry and I that I couldn’t deny, it’s how we got on so well before. But it felt like our past, this secret I held changed my magnetic field so with him, I could only ricochet.

“Hey,” I say out of breath. “Did you just get here.”

“Parking was a nightmare,” he gestures vaguely down the road. “So I just walked up.”

Harry could barely pay for his share of rent when we were together, and here he was driving around London to fancy restaurants. Life had been good to him, which I was happy for, but it hurt he’d walked all over me to get there. I glance up at him as we walk in, he’s smiling jovially with the hostess and I secretly wonder if this was all a mask he wore. If the person he really was, was the one I got to know before we broke up.

“You look amazing by the way,” Harry says after we shed our jackets. I’d worn a flattering sage sweater dress that made up for its modest high neck and long sleeves by hitting me mid-thigh. There was a reason I had worn my trench coat on the ride here, it was short. “I’m really glad you agreed to this.”

I nod, the wave of realization that I would have to look him in the face for the next hour and talk to him like he hadn’t broken my heart and I wasn’t hiding such a life-changing secret from him. “Thanks yeah, i thought it was the adult thing to do. Since we’ll be working together.”

“To working together,” Harry clinks his water against mine. I give a tight-lipped smile and busy myself with the menu. But after we order, with nothing between us and my hands unoccupied I have to look at him. He’s watching me, which makes for an intense stare-off as we catch each other’s eye. I forgot how easy it was to be in Harry’s presence, how before it got bad, it was good. He would make me feel less anxious any time he was around. He used to be the safety of home to me.

“So,” I break the awkward silence. “Catch me up with you.”

“You know me, my life is online. How about you?”

‘You first,” my heart goes thumpthump thumpthump. “Successful EP and upcoming album...?”

“Yeah,” he’s luckily saved by the arrival of our wine. We sit in silence as our glasses are filled. I wondered if the waiter could feel the tension. “I had to really fight for even a single, my management was really awful back then--”

“Finn,” I can’t help the name coming out of my mouth like I’d taken a swig of sour milk. “I remember.”

“Yeah, him.” He looks down at his wine. “By the time I had to renew contracts, I’d taken over most of his role anyway. It was crazy at certain meetings, I was the only person in there that had my own back. But I managed to win in the end, got the EP out. Had a lot to write about…y’know.”

There he goes looking at me with those eyes again, now it’s my turn to look down into my wine and try not to think thoughts like, you didn’t even know I had your back during those times.

“I was kind of surprised when you said you never listened to the album.”

“That’s a bit arrogant.”

“Never said I wasn’t,” he flashes a smile that falls flat when I don’t return it. “I just uhm, did you never look me up? I looked you up sometimes, you did such a good job at disappearing I could barely find anything about you. It felt like...a punishment.”

“I didn’t ‘disappear’ to punish you,” I make myself clear. “I just. I had to.”

“You moved from our flat, did you get any of the voicemails or the emails I sent you?”

“I moved a few weeks after,” a few weeks where he never came back for me. Every time there was a knock at my door that was unexpected, I half-thought it would be Harry. That he would apologize and I might take him back, that I would tell him I was pregnant. That we could make our way back. But it never was.

“The voicemails?”

“I didn’t get them.”

“That’s probably good,” Harry flashes a dimpled smile. “I was very drunk in some of them. Probably crying...it wasn’t my shining moment. I-well I don’t think I had any shining moments in our last year. I was pretty shite boyfriend but I still hoped sometimes that maybe one day you’d call me and tell me you’re sorry too and we could figure it out...”

We go quiet as our food is brought to us. I watch Harry interact with the waiter, and think about what he’s said. He had regrets, that’s all I’m hearing. And with the way he treated me I didn’t exactly feel bad for him.

“I can’t get over the fact that you had a kid,” Harry continues on. “I never thought...”

“I would have a kid?” I ask when he trails off.

“No, we talked about kids a lot. Back when we were together. I knew you wanted them but that’s how I always pictured it—us having kids. Together. So yeah, I think it just shocked the hell out of me when I saw this cute kid and he was yours. And he wasn’t mine.”

Fuck, I stab my plate and try not to let my panic show. Did he know? He had to know, he was being so bloody obvious. But his expression is sincere, he doesn’t look like he’s testing me or anything. God, how can he be saying things like this not realizing the irony. I want to die.

“I was just as surprised when I found out I was pregnant,” I try to stick to easy details. “But, getting the chance to be a mother is something I never knew I wanted. Wouldn’t change it for a thing.”

We catch eyes again, and there it is, the fondness blooming in my chest. I see it in his eyes too as he says softly, “I always knew you would be a phenomenal mother.” The regret is all over his face.

I drop my fork and gulp some more wine. trying to wash away the warmth in my chest as he goes on. “I want to explain myself--how I treated you like I did but there’s no explanation for it. Really it was Niall that made me realize what a dick I was becoming. I lived with him for a bit, wrote a lot of my songs on his living room couch. Came to a lot of realizations.”

“Niall’s always been a good friend,” I missed him.

“He missed you just as much,” he says. “I’m ashamed to say I don’t know who I became then Y/N. I put you through every bad thing that happened to me, I wasn’t supportive or appreciative. I see that now—I saw it after we broke up, that’s why I tried so hard to reach you.”

“It was too late Harry.” I lie. “There was too much baggage with us. You—you said some unforgivable things, it would have been hard.“

“I know,” he looks down. “I never stopped loving you Y/N.”

I freeze, “I—that’s not...I don’t want to hear that Harry.”

“I just need to let you know,” he says simply but I’m already pushing my meal away. “I just want you to know that. Y/N, half my album is about you, I just need you to hear that, wish you had listened to it. I’m sorry and no matter what I still love-“

“Stop!” I say a bit too loudly, panicked because this felt like a farce. One day soon he would hate me again and I couldn’t handle confronting the crushing realization.

“Okay I’m sorry,” Harry holds his hand up. I can’t hear him say those words without wanting to cry in frustration and be sick from the guilt. “I have to go.” I get my coat off the back of the chair and begin walking out, it was rude but I couldn’t stand to be in there any longer. I hit the cold air of the streets. What was I thinking having dinner and not expecting it to end in disaster.

“Y/N!” A distant voice calls me. It’s Harry’s, but I keep walking. He’s out of breath by the time he reaches me. “I pushed too far, listen, Y/N!” He steps in front of me and blocks my path, holding onto my arms. I jerk away but he steps in sync with me when I step to the side. He puts his hands out, “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I just--”

“I’m not uncomfortable, I’m just trying to go home.” I try to side-step him again but he’s in my way. “Harry!” I push him and make enough room to slip past, but his long legs keep up with mine.

“Please don’t let tonight end like this,” Harry says beside me.

“Like what? I’m going home. We had our discussion. You apologized and that’s that!” I finally stop at a street corner near a row of bushes.

“I apologized but you never said you were okay,” Harry’s cheeks are a bright pink. This is all too familiar, this back-and-forth before Harry explodes and runs away from the argument. “I don’t know where we stand I—that’s why we agreed to dinner. For closure right?”

“If you’re expecting forgiveness, I can’t just give that to you. I can’t just forgive you!”

“I’ve changed,” he bends slightly to meet my gaze. It surprises me when his tone softens, when he doesn’t raise his voice back at me. “I promise I’m not that version of me anymore.”

“I can’t trust that!” I want to believe him, god I wanted to believe it but instead I shout too loud again, catching a few stares. I lower my voice. “I can’t trust you, I don’t know who you are. I thought I did once upon a time but you...you became such a cold and selfish guy that I slaved over and—and admit it you didn’t even love me by the end of it. The things you said...you don’t say those things to someone you love.”

“You don’t,” he agrees right away. “I didn’t even know who I was. I know who I am now. You have to trust me.”

“Well you have to earn trust,” I say. And I don’t realize it until I say it but it was true, that’s always what kept me from contacting him about Julien. I didn’t trust that he could love him the way I do, I couldn’t trust he wouldn’t come into our lives and try to take him from me too and break my heart all over again. I needed to know Harry really was changed before I could let him into Julien’s life as his father.

“I intend on doing that. I want you back in my life whatever way you want.” He slips his hand into mine but I can’t stand his touch and I have to pull away. It hurts him, I can tell, but all the memories of feeling unloveable while his cold eyes watched me as he said even colder words hit me again and I can’t see the man in front of me. Just the man that I knew last. So his hurt is the last of my concern, because even after having a child and going through multiple sessions of therapy I can’t forget standing on the other side of his venomous words.

“Be careful what you wish for,” I say bitterly. After I tell him about Julien we would be in each other’s lives forever. But before he can ask what I mean my phone vibrates and brings me out of my thoughts. Mum, my breath catches.

“Mum? What’s happened?? Is Julien okay?”

“Y/N, calm down.” My mum says in her calm voice when I get too panicked. “Julien is fine, he’s asleep now but he was all sick again--”

“I’m coming right now,” I say. Harry touches my back and points in the direction of his car, knowing it was my fastest way home I follow him. “How much was he throwing up?”

“Not much, Y/N honestly I knew I shouldn’t have called. Stay where you are, I’m just calling you now because I asked Shaza down the hall and she came to look at him--she’s studying to be a podiatrist so she know-”

“A pediatrician?” I ask, keeping my eyes on the back of Harry’s black coat. “Does she actually know what she’s talking about?”

“Yes—I hear traffic Y/N you best not be coming home. He threw up once, his fever broke I think whatever bug he’s caught is gone now. I just wanted to call you to check in.”

“I’m done dinner anyway, I’m coming home.”

“That was quick.”

We’d reached Harry’s car. “Yeah well, not much to discuss. I’ll see you in a bit. Bye mum.”

“What’s happening?” Harry asks as he gets into the car but I stay on the sidewalk.

“I can take the train,” I let out a deep breath. “Jules was sick again but his fever broke, false alarm.”

“I know you want to get to him as soon as possible,” Harry turns the ignition. “Just get in Y/N.”

I go around and do just that, and most of the ride is spent in silence as I text my mum and he focuses on driving. I don’t even realize we’ve reached my mum’s, or that I never gave him the address but he drove here all on his own. The warmth of fondness spread through my chest again, but I stifle it with the ever-present anger.

“Thank you,” I say sincerely. “I would invite you up...”

“Your mum might kill me,” Harry chuckles. I bite down on my lip. “Wait, does she know you’re out with me?”

“No? I wasn’t sure how she would react--”

“A lot of cursing, I wouldn’t blame her.” Harry says, giving me a way out. He thinks I’m being polite but it was complicated. My mum hated what he did to me, but the fact that Jules is growing up without a father hurts her too so if he was in his life she would be happy for him at least. “Are you staying at your mum’s? I can give you a lift home if you needed?”

“No,” I get out of the car and walk to his side. “I’ve had you drive around town enough. I’ll just call an Uber.”

“I’m staying here until you come back down,” Harry turns his keys and the car turns off with a blink.

I roll my eyes, I couldn’t argue with him when he made up his mind like this. I talk in hushed whispers when I go up and wrap a half-asleep Julien in his coat. I hold him tight to me, his limbs felt longer than the last time I’d picked him up and it always felt like I was catching up to him these days. Before I knew it, he’d be taller than me. I wondered then, on the lift down, if he would get his height from Harry.

Harry is sat in the car with his arms crossed and looking thoughtfully out the window. I wonder what he’s thinking about.

He jerks up when he sees me and starts the car, and I slide into his backseat with Julien in my lap.

“I thought you’d be up there longer,” Harry whispers as he pulls out of his spot. We hit a red light immediately and he meets my eye in the rearview mirror. “Is he okay?”

“Sleeping,” I rest my nose on his mess of hair and inhale the baby smell I loved. “He’s okay, his fever’s gone.”

“That’s good.” a smile in the rearview before the green lights cut through the night. We ride home in silence, a quietness that almost feels normal. I direct Harry where to go—I was only fifteen minutes from my mum, and when he parks down the street from my flat he rushes out and gets my door for me. He takes Julien from me as I grab his go-bag.

Julien stirs on Harry’s shoulder--on his dad’s shoulder. The thought feels dizzying. Harry is so careful with him as we go inside. My lobby is nothing like his, it’s not even a lobby, just a long corridor with the lifts on the right. Harry lets me lead the way, and before I can even think about what’s happening, Harry’s stepping into my dingy flat.

“Don’t mind the mess,” I say, completely embarrassed as he walks through the living room. A basket of laundry that needs to be folded sits beside the coffee table that has Julien’s sippy cup and two mugs of stale coffee. One side of the sofa is littered with lego and books. “I haven’t had much time to clean...”

“It’s a home,” he says, his voice cracks as he says it.

“I’ll put him to bed,” I take Julien from him quickly but Harry automatically moves to unzip his coat when I’ve got him. I feel fluttery, watching the thoughtful motions with his son. It reminds me of all the ways he cared for me when we were younger. As soon as the zip is undone I move Julien to his bedroom. I dress him in PJs, and he only wakes when I kiss his forehead.

“Mummy?” he whispers.

“I’m right here,” I feel a tear slip down my cheek. This whole evening was proving to be more emotional than I could handle. “Sorry I wasn’t there when you felt sick.”

“I’m not sick anymore,” he repeats. His tiny arms lock around my neck and pull me down into his pillow. I stay there until he relaxes, his arms falling away like the tears that slip easily down my cheek. I’m glad it’s dim, as I tuck him in and wipe the tears that don’t stop coming down. His father was right outside, and he’s gone his whole life without knowing him. It was unfair to him, and unfair to Harry--I knew that. I was selfish, I wanted him all to myself, and I was still holding onto the hurt Harry caused me.

“Everything alright?” Harry whispers when I walk out. He’d taken it upon himself to look through the photos scattered throughout the surfaces that had a few pictures of Julien and I as he grew. I know he’s seen the picture of Jules from a few years ago, he’s a carbon copy of his dad at that age, except for his eyes. I’m hoping Harry doesn’t make the connection, that he’s not thinking that hard about it.

“He’s in bed now,” I say. “I’m relieved to have him under the same roof as me! Sorry to keep you waiting, can I get you a drink?”

“No, I’m alright.” he moves towards the door and the twinge of disappointment surprises me. “I’m going to have to drive home.”

“Right, well I’ve got tea?”

“I...” Harry hesitates where he is. His eyes flit across my face, “Were you crying?”

“Yeah,” I laugh. “I’m an emotional mess when it comes to Jules. It’s nothing to worry about.”

“I know we’re...not what we used to be but, could I give you a hug?”

I stare, he takes a step towards me and I clear my head. It would be awkward if I said no, he did drive me home, plus “I could use one.”

But it was the wrong thing to do, even though it felt so right to be held like this. Folded into his chest as his strong arms pull me tight against him, it feels like more than just a sympathetic hug. It feels like seeing each other the first day back from winter break, it feels like celebrating graduation with a new flat, it feels like being comforted after not getting the job, it feels like birthdays and holidays and running out of steam after an explosive argument, crawling back to each other because we used to be like that—we couldn’t live without each other. Oh god, he was going to hate me. I’m going to have to break his world and he was going to hate me.

I push him away before he could feel the sob come up, I turn and walk into the toilet. I couldn’t be in the same room as him right now, and he must realize it. I hear the front door close softly as he leaves. Maybe Harry and I reached the end of the book a long time ago. I lower myself onto the toilet seat and cry into my hands, if there was another chapter ahead, it wasn’t going to end well. Maybe Harry and I were never meant to end well.

Harry’s POV

It’s been a few weeks since I saw her in person, and I forget how I survived five years without her. I feel like a drug addict going through withdrawal: Our virtual meetings don’t cut it, I have next Friday circled in red in my head for when we check out venues together. I can’t stop thinking about her, can’t stop thinking about my next fix of her. As the holiday season settles around us, all I seem to see are happy couples and Christmas trees and all I can think about is all of the Christmas memories we had together.

I can’t get her out of my head. Her smell, the feel of her tucked under my chin in the dim lighting of her flat, the way she looked at me when I took her son from her arms and helped her up, her perfume and the smell of her in her flat, the mug she stole from my kitchen in uni sitting on her coffee table, her short dress and her soft thighs on my leather seats as she texted her mum in my passenger seat, how we looked at each other across the table for a moment that night and I thought I saw my Y/N. But I must have been dreaming. That’s what I have to tell myself.

“How long do you think it’ll take before she forgives you?” Niall asks across my dining table. Apparently he had lunch with Y/N and Julien on Saturday, she apologized to him for cutting him off. Lucky bastard.

“I don’t know if she will,” I scratch out the line I just edited. “She confuses me. She could hardly stand to touch me when I tried to hold her hand after dinner, but in her flat she let me hug her.”

“And then she ran away crying,” Niall heard this story half a dozen times already. “You’re not good for her right now.”

“She’s sort of planning my party...”

“You’ve got issues,” Niall throws a pick at me. “So uh, has she said anything about Julien?”

“What do you mean?” I perk up. “Did something happen?”

“No,” he shrugs. “It’s just her son...”

“I know, I’m still wrapping my head around that. So how did your date go last night?”

“Ehm,” Niall scratches his arm, I could tell a nervous Niall from miles away.

“What happened?”

“A date, it was good. Probably not getting a second date.”

“Did you talk about your ex this time?”

“That was you,” Niall reminds me of one of my worse dates. “I brought up my mum...it didn’t go well. There’s no going back.”

“Better luck next time,” I say sympathetically. “Maybe we should have a boy’s night out hey? How does Saturday sound?”

“Actually...” Niall hesitates. “I’ve got uhm, a thing to go to.”

“A thing?” I raise my eyebrow, I knew Niall’s lying tic.

“Yeah, I’m gonna be busy.”

“What kind of thing...?”

“Okay, fine!” Niall huffs. “Y/N’s asked me to be her plus one to this Christmas thing.”

My mouth dries up, “What?”

“It’s nothing serious, she said her company throws these Christmas parties and they invite their families and stuff. She said she wants to see me more when she apologised to me, and she invited me. So people stop asking her when she’s going to get a boyfriend.”

“So-so you’re going as her date.”

“No! Not like that, I wouldn’t do that to you. It’s just a date. You know we’re best mates.”

“She didn’t even tell me about it.”

“No offense, but why would she?”

“Who’s side are you on?” I ask, feeling betrayed.

“I’m on your side, always, but c’mon mate. You broke her heart why would she invite you?”

“We’re getting along again, The Plan is working.”

“Firstly,” Niall wags his finger. “I’m not sure why you’re doing this whole Plan, it sounds fucking mental. Secondly, her family’s going to be there and they probably hate you. And do you forget Y/N and I were friends before you two dated?”

“I’m your best mate! Niall please, find a way to invite me. I’ll owe you big time.” I plead but no matter what I say Niall doesn’t give in. Until I realize, “Oh, her sister’s gonna be there isn’t she? Saf?”

“No, what? Probably.” Niall’s cheeks redden and I know I’ve got him.

“The sister you dated behind her back?”

“She doesn’t know, don’t you dare say anything to her!”

“Look, I might slip up and say something. Unless, say, you’re there with us making sure I stay quiet.”

“Don’t do this,” Niall groans. “It’s in two days.”

“So should I tell her gently or just say you dated her baby sister?” I grin, only feeling slightly guilty. But Niall had to get me in, I had to see her again.

“You’re a dick,” Niall gets up and closes his laptop, shoving it into his bag.. “You’re my best friend, you’re not supposed to blackmail me.”

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I just need to see her Niall, there’s something there I swear.”

“Okay,” Niall relents. “I’ll see what I can do. Her family might be there.”

“One step at a time,” I say even though the idea of seeing them makes me want to eat glass. “I just need to show her I’m not that guy anymore. I’ve changed, I’m not that guy right?”

“No,” Niall shakes his head. “You’re not Harry, I don’t think you were ever...you got lost when things got rough but you’ve always been Harry. Except when you’re blackmailing me, then I don’t care what happens to ya’”

Y/N’s POV:

“I love Christmas,” Jules jumps on my bed as I carefully apply my eyeliner. “It’s the best day ever!”

“You just love it because Santa gets you all the presents.” I say. “And stop jumping on the bed you little monkey, you’re going to wrinkle your shirt.”

“No, I love Christmas because Grandad gives me sweets and everyone gets together and we all eat yummy food and Aunt Saf always plays her video games with me and-”

“Okay Jules,” I chuckle. “It’s the best day ever!”

“I know!” He does one last jump and ends it by sitting down. “Your makeup is taking soo long.”

“Stop distracting me!” I turn to look at him. “Why don’t you get your get your coat out of the closet and my square purse?”

“The letter one?” He asks, it was shaped like an envelope so it became the only identifiable bag.

With him gone for a few minute, I quickly finish the other side and am just done my lipstick when he shows up with his coat zipped and my purse in hand. and my heels crushed against his chest. “I even got you your shoes from the closet.”

“You’re the sweetest boy,” I squish his cheek in a kiss and he rushes to the mirror to wipe the lipstick off but only manages to smudge it. At least he’s distracted.

My phone vibrates with a call, it was Niall. “Hiya, I was just about to head out.”

“Oh yeah,” his voice sounds rough and my heart drops. Was something wrong? “I’m really sorry to do this so last minute--”

“Niall please, don’t say you’re cancelling. I was counting on you!”

“Yeah, I...I got food poisoning? I’m still not feeling well.”

“Jeez,” I flop down on the bed and Julien looks over at me curiously. “Sorry, that’s shitty. D’you think you could make it late or it’s bad?”

“Uhm, maybe later.” His voice is a bit muffled. Maybe he was in bed. “Good news, I asked Harry and he’s free so-”

“No.”

“-pick you up and...No?”

“Did Harry put you up to this? Niall! Why would you set me up like this?”

“It’s not my fault!” he squeaks. “Really, if I could make it I would but I can’t right now. You and Harry are cool right? You’re just going as friends.”

“I told everyone at work I was bringing a special someone.” I want to swear but I don’t want Julien’s eyes to get any bigger.

“Shite,” Niall has the audacity to laugh. “I’m really sorry I didn’t know you...oh god I want to laugh.”

“You better not, if you’ve already told Harry whatever. Tell him I’ll meet him there. I’m not forgiving you for this Niall Horan.”

“I’ll make it up to you,” Niall says with a laugh in his voice. I put it down before he can let it out.

“Let’s get our taxi,” I tell Julien. “It’s just you and me for now.”

***

Honestly Harry, don’t bother. I’m sure you’re busy. I text Harry back when he texts to confirm the address. He texts that he’s already on his way, which make me suspicious of the quick timing. There was something fishy going on, but I am too busy to think more about it. I have to convince Julien to behave and give him the lecture on the ride there, I spot my sister there and my brother’s family; as a partner I was encouraged to invite any family I wanted and the kids usually enjoyed it so they showed up for it.

I catch up with a few people and say hi to my favourite coworkers, and everyone badgers me about my date. They tease me when I say he got food poisoning, that he was made up which makes me confess he’d sent a friend in his place. I make sure to emphasize that to a few more than the rest, because I didn’t want my partners to think I was dating a client. Of course Harry didn’t think that through when he accepted Niall’s offer.

“So, you look like a million pounds.” Harry says beside me after I pick up another champagne flute. I can smell the musky perfume he wore, with its hint of sweet floral, my stomach flutters at the strong urge it brings to bury my face in his chest.

“Thank you,” I wrap my arm around my waist, feeling awkward. I did look like a million pounds, silver silk draped over my body that hit me mid-calf, and a deep V neck on both the front and back. But hearing my ex compliment me so genuinely made me self-conscious. “You look nice.”

“Oh, thanks,” Harry says uncomfortably and I want to dash out of the conversation but I’m saved by Jules, my angel. “Hey! Harry!”

“Hey buddy, you remember my name?”

“Yeah, you have the coolest guitars! I remember when you played all the strings!” Jules wraps an arm around my knee as he looks up to Harry with an awed expression. If only he knew Harry was a Musician with a capital M. And a Dad with a capital D. Shite.

“Well you’re welcome to play some more anytime you want.” Harry chuckles at the enthusiasm and Jules looks up at me excitedly. I tell him not to get too carried away, and luckily his cousin finds him and pulls him back to play.

“Is that...?”

“Danny? Yeah, all grown up. He’s 7 now.” We watch my nephew run to the other kids whilst holding Julien’s hand. I forgot Harry knew him as a kid.

“So that means your family’s here?” Harry drags out the question.

“Saf, and Daniel,” my brother named his firstborn after himself, it was a whole thing when it happened. “Daniel’s wife, his kids. Don’t hold your breath, my parents had other commitments.”

Harry lets out an exaggerated breath which makes me laugh, and surprisingly the rest of the evening isn’t so painful. A few people recognise Harry, he makes a show of knowing who Emily is, and although it gets a bit tense between my sister and him, I sit between them during dinner and it’s almost like old times until Julien tries to sit on me and Harry moves down so that Jules is sitting in between both parents. Saf nudges me, and I shoot her a look. I knew what was happening.

But Harry is so gentle yet playful with Julien, and Jules loves him. It gives me a break, allowing me to talk to those around me while we eat and it takes me a moment to realize this is what it could be like if I ever co-parented. This is what it was supposed to be like. And if I’d drank anything that night, the thought sobered me entirely.

Niall shows up after dinner as the drinks are flowing freely, he looks like he was never sick tonight but he swears he was. I third-wheel him and Harry as they talk in industry code, until my sister joins me.

“Safs, you remember Niall,” I say when she hands me a spritz.

“Ehm yeah, Safira, hi,” Niall shakes my sister’s hand awkwardly when she goes in for a hug. It’s so awkward and ridiculous I have to laugh. 

“It’s been a while,” my sister bounces on her heels. “You mastermind this?”

Niall looks over at Harry, my sister was referencing his invitation and Niall denies it but the smile on his face tells me otherwise. What was he up to?

“He’s dead to her,” Safs goes on like Harry isn’t there. “I’m surprised you tried to play matchmaker again.”

“That’s not for you to say-” Harry tries to cut Niall before he can defend him and tries to tell Saf that he wasn’t here to cause any trouble. But Saf isn’t listening, she’s having a conversation with Niall with her eyes. It was interesting, and something niggles at me but my emotions are too heightened to make sense of it. I’m taken aback by how comfortable my sister felt with Niall, enough to argue publicly, but she was head-strong and I don’t question it.

“She’s a bit drunk, sorry boys.” I give her a look she teases me for, says I look like mum when I do. She scowls at me appropriately and stalks off, surprisingly Niall follows her. I turn to Harry, “I don’t know why he’s following.”

Harry agrees. His eyes are locked on Niall and Saf bickering away like an old couple. “What a pair, those two.”

There it was, I look back at Niall and my sister. I remember that awful New Year’s party, Niall had flirted all night with Saf. Did they...I shake my head, I’d told Niall she was off limits there was no way... “They fight like an old couple.”

“Uhm,” Harry chokes out a laugh. “They do right?”

Harry’s POV:

I knew the moment would come when someone in Y/N’s family decided to grill me, I should’ve known it would be Safira. After she’d chewed Niall out and he heads for a drink, my conversation with Y/N is cut short when an old client of hers pulls her away. I watch as he makes her laugh, and my stomach churns. I’m left to stand aimlessly. And so of course she finds me, a fierce expression ready to battle.

“You’ll burn a hole right through his skull,” Safira says in my ear. I jerk back to stare, she looks less like a kid from the last time I saw her. She was probably in her 20s now. “You’re staring.”

"I’m not,” I retaliate.

“No, don’t do that.” She crosses her arms and shakes her head. “She doesn’t belong to you or something. She can have fun with a stranger if she wants, I’m sure you did plenty of that.”

It’s hard to take her seriously when she slurs half her words but the poisonous glare she shoots me sharpens the curves of her speech.

“You used to be so cute and harmless when Y/N and I first dated, now you can’t wait to bite our heads off.” I goad her, the same way I used to when Y/N and I first got together.

“Don’t do that either,” she punches my arm. “I’m not 16 anymore.”

“I know,” I look at her. She softens a bit, glancing out to Y/N which reminds me why I was so worked up. “Maybe I just need to get wasted so this doesn’t sting as much.”

She tilts her head to the drinks and I follow her, we drink in amicable silence. It doesn’t feel like she’s forgiven me, but like she’s willing to put up with me. It’s quieter where we are so I try to get some information from her. When I mention Julien, just like at Y/N’s office, Saf’s face softens.

“I love that kid, always thought I hated kids but he‘s the cutest, squishiest little thing.”

“He is,” I smile. “You lot are all very close with him?”

“My parents are putty in his hands,” she says fondly.

“His dad’s not in the picture is he then?”

She pauses mid-sip and eyes me, and then her expression changes to something I don’t understand before she shuts it down. “No, they split shortly after.”

That was a bit more to go off of at least. Maybe Niall can snoop through her instagram, who was she dating four year ago? “That’s a shame.”

“Don’t really like his dad,” she says with a ferocious intensity as she pushes away from the table. “Thought he was one of the good ones but he wasn’t.”

And just like that she leaves, without a second glance. It takes me a moment to shake off the information. Y/N dated a dick after me, I feel overprotective and angry and I know it’s mostly the drink but it doesn’t help that she’s still laughing with the good looking bloke. I turn to the bartender and he puts two shots in front of me without a word. I down them like water and turn back to where Y/N leans against a wall talking.

I had to get her away from him, I think. Or maybe the drink thinks it, but I’m moving towards her as fast as I can until I nearly crash into her.

“Woah, Harry.” she puts a hand on my arm and it stings and soothes. How did I let her go?

“Sorry,” I mumble. “I was getting a bit bored. Hi.”

“Hiya,” the other guy smiles politely. “I’ve taken enough of your time, I’ll go back to the wife but I’ll see you at the office in the New Year. Nice to meet you.”

I nod at him and find Y/N looking at me with a puzzled expression when I turn back. “What?”

Y/N’s POV:

When he looks at me I feel like I should look away, his expression feels like something private--what he’s feeling, it’s so naked on his face and I feel like I shouldn’t be seeing it.

“Nothing,” I shake my head. “I think you’d had enough to drink tonight.”

“I’m not drunk,” Harry splays his hand beside against the wall beside me, but because I’m in heels he’s not towering over me.

“But you’re getting there,” I level him with a look. “And I don’t want you to get sloppy in this crowd.”

“Right,” he hangs his head. “I missed ya Y/N.”

“I...” I don’t know what to say to that, there was too much to say and not enough. But I see the sadness in the downturn of his mouth, the shame in eyes, the frustration in his brows. I see him, the whole him, in that single moment. Anyone could take one look at him and see a man with regrets, but what scares me is what else I see: a man with love. “It’s getting late, I should get Jules and myself home.”

“Now?” Harry stands straight. “I-I’ll find Niall.”

We stand for a beat before heading in opposite directions, Jules is playing with new friends since his cousins went home a little while ago. His sweater is missing and I finally locate it under one of the Christmas trees. I look for Saf to say goodbye but she’s gone, and I type her a text one-handed while the other holds Jules’ who clutches his goody bags.

I nearly drop my phone when Harry shows up in front of us, and Julien laughs at my startled expression.

“What are you still doing here?”

“I ehm, my phone died. And I couldn’t find Niall anywhere.” Harry says with an embarrassed smile. “I’ve been trying to get a taxi but, every single bloody one that pulls up was called for.”

“You could’ve just asked the front desk to call you one,” I look around and sigh. “You can ride with us.”

“Is Harry coming over?” Julien overhears and interprets the conversation.

“It’s well past your bedtime,” why did my kid love Harry this instantly. “You shouldn’t be concerned about who’s coming over.”

“Please?” he stares up at me with his puppy eyes and the mom-guilt creeps in. He wanted to spend time with his dad even though he didn’t realize it. “Harry can teach me some songs!”

“He has a toy guitar,” I explain to Harry. “Jules has to be in bed in a half hour, but you can share our ride.”

“S’alright love,” Harry smiles sheepishly. “I can just take the tube home.”

“With your pass?” I raise an eyebrow.

“Ah, dead phone. Shh...shoot.” Harry side eyes Jules who is tugging my hand with excitement.

“Okay, Harry’s coming with us,” I say and I regret it the second we get into a car. Jules settles between us, and after a few moments in the lull of the heated car, he tips to his right and onto Harry’s arm. He’s out like a light. Harry lifts his arm up gently and maneuvers Julien into his chest, my heart nearly bursts out of his chest.

“I can get him here,” I whisper but Harry waves my hand away.

“He...” Harry starts before trailing off. “He’s a really great kid.”

“Oh,” a lump lodges itself in my throat, my eyes sting and I blink like a maniac to gain some composure. “He is. He really is.”

“Saf said your parents are putty in their hands, I can see why.” Harry continues. His face shines with a smile. “I don’t know if-I don’t know if it’s because he’s a piece of you or he’s just that special but, I would do anything for him too.”

“Harry,” I choke up. “Don’t say things like that.”

“Why not?” Harry whispers. “It’s how I feel.”

I stare at Jules’ head of curls, and find a similar one when I look up at Harry. It was hard to re-reconcile this man with the one I grew to love and the one who left me alone with an easy cruelty. I didn’t trust myself to decide which Harry was the real one.

“I wish I was there for you,” Harry continues. “After everything...I wish I was there for you. I wish I saw you become a mother, I know you hate me but I just wish...”

My hand finds his, wrapped around Julien’s back. I grasp his and give it a squeeze. “Just...leave it Harry.”

“I can’t,” he holds onto my hand tighter when I try to slip it back. “You still don’t trust me. And I can’t take the past back. I don’t know where I stand.”

He stood too close, I thought. I needed space from him, it was clear he still had love for me and I felt myself giving into the love that was achingly familiar. My body didn’t lie when it leaned into him involuntarily, but I couldn’t break my own heart like this. He would turn his casual cruelty back on me as soon as he found out the kind of secrets I was keeping.

“It doesn’t matter,” I whisper as we arrive to my building. Harry gets out with Julien and hands him over when I refuse any help getting to my flat. I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea even though seeing him with Julien, tonight at the party and in the car, thawed my heart a little. “Thank you.”

“Thank you,” Harry brushes my cheek. “For tonight.”

I nod and head home, without looking back. I had to figure out what I wanted from Harry, because things didn’t feel so straightforward anymore. I was scared that what I was seeing was the edge and any tiny momentum could tip me over the edge.

I go to my flat and try Saf again, I needed some sisterly advice. But she’s still unavailable. I try my mum next, she picks up on the third ring.

“So remember that work dinner I went to when Jules was sick...” I start off.

--------------------------

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