#soontobeengineer

Not until I was reading my old posts and blogs here did I check my Tumblr to pass the time. hehe 

It was a long journey, and I'm still on it. I just want to acknowledge my faithfulness to the Lord in that he carried my burdens and sufferings. I know I must study right now, but I am restless knowing that the board examination is fast approaching.

I just want to give my all to the Lord and surrender my life to Him. My hands were shaking at this point because I couldn't stop the time and was eager to get home. My family was waiting for me. I just want to express my feelings right now since I want to refocus on things that I can do. Think positively about the future. I want to learn how to shift my perspective so that I can see and understand what life really is.

I remembered my reviewer's teacher saying that in order to win, one must lose. That is why we need to refocus our minds and exercise our minds to think positively, because it can affect our bodies when we don't believe in ourselves in the first place, so I need to change my thinking. That is why I'm here. haha.

Lisod jd kaayo akong na feel karon, ka give up ko nga dili, kahilakon ko na dili, nabalaka ko na wala. Grabe ako mind mo shift ug huna-huna labaw na ug daotan? I cast this na maundang unta ni nga mindset bitaw na always self ang huna hunaon. Dili ra ako ang ga suffer, dili ra ako ang nakulbaan, dili ra ako ang galisod. Bam, pray for things. Salamat maka gawas jd ko sko gibati dani. Gikapoy nako pero laban.

License Engineer 2022, Soon. Babeng.

-lowkeyengr.

Hi again, Bam, the board examination of Civil Engineering is fast approaching. I never imagined that April is a month of waiting. And to make it worst, I may not be able to take the board exam due to financial lacking. I am so disappointed in myself that all this fucking time I am still scared and lazy to my dreams and goals. As if that praying and reading bible verses will help me. But no, I am still struggling and scared of my plans in life.

I have been living in Cabanatuan City for almost 7 months now, and the progress I made was like 1 percent of my total dreams/goals in life. I have so many plans prior to this but it just came to the point that it gets so messy and I was tired to gather myself in this mess. I can't even look in the mirror with a proud face anymore. It fills with insecurities, disappointments and sadness all over.

Battling with depression alone physically cause I live alone and ofcourse with the help of my support system (my boyfie and fam) is still very hard, thats why I read and read bible even though I can't understand and fathom the meaning and purpose in it.

I always tell myself that I will do this and that but my mind and action do the opposite and I really hate my self for even doing that. I hate myself and God (yes, I really hate myself for hating God now) and I don't know anymore.

Having job is my goal and making it memories to experience but I didn't expect to be like this. I thought I will be okay but I am not. I thougt that I can handle it but I can't. I want to stop victimizing myself over and over and I want to get a life and get Jesus back in my life, I miss my old self that daring and carefree.

Looking back, I thought this is an amazing decision but I guess another mistake to be learn again. I can't do this anymore and I am tired of myself. I really want to gain my cofidence back and have a strenght to fight back to myself that the life I am living is worth to fight for.

I guess this is life. We don't get what we want ALWAYS and you just have to ACCEPT it and be thankful for it nonetheless.

Bam, you can do it regardless how you do it or when you will achieve it. Don't blame yourself, forgive it. And please make yourself beautiful and happy always, no one can take that.

I woke up with my body feeling sore all over. I am tired, and again, I am disappointed since I forgot that I had set my alarm to wake up at 4 a.m. to do my laundry. 

It is still 6:30 am, so I decide to get up, do the dishes, and cook rice for breakfast. I also put my garbage away and lit up with fire. I get my laundry and separate it so that I can prepare it to wash in the afternoon since the water has long gone. Yes, our water here has a schedule. 

I find myself again using my cellphone and scrolling through TikTok, but before anything else, I read first my daily quotation book and one chapter of verse. I just want to read and force myself to read so that I can have this feeling of achievement throughout the day. 

I am bothered that my brother won't give me any work today. The due date for our wifi is fast approaching, and I don't have enough money to pay it first. 

I made this journal in the midst of boredom, I guess. I want to practice my English here and learn how to gather my thoughts promptly so that, in the future, it will help me think faster and more easily.

Life is a mess. It's been 2 years since I graduated from college, and it is hard. After taking so many job opportunities that come my way, there's no one who has ever hired me. And I guess I am also terrible about getting my civil engineer license.

There's never been a day that I have been struggling. Finding myself stuck at every moment and always looking back at the past and wishing I have done better. I always tell myself that this journey of mine will have breakthrough someday but everytime I think and invite positive energy, it always hook me to my saddest moment of my life, the reality. 

I don't have any job experience aside from working part time as a assistant video editor working under my brother. I work from home and self taught to every little things about video editing. The couple of months as I start is very hard and struggling. I always find myself crying for every little details I don't know about video editing. It drains my soul that I don't even work the course I studied. It just, I grab the oppotutnity in front of me because I don't have a choice.  

Not until a year passed by. By the way, I didn't stop taking the board examination eventhough I can't concentrate to study everytime. I am tired of trying at everything, as if my luck has run out and all the opportunities have gone. It is telling me that whatever I do, I suck and can't move forward because I am a loser. And I hate that feeling.

Now that I decided to go far away from my home, to have new beginning and challenges that I know will help me. I want to apply again another job while waiting since I have to try and try right? and I tried again today to apply a job. Every cents I have to pay to get done that application; the sweats and effort to manage to get in; and that knowing today, after the pre-interview, I realize that i don't even qualify to be in that position and it tears me up that up knowing that until today I still suck at everything. I want to be gone in this world.

Actually, I am sad and tired. I felt really insecure to those around me that they have work to attend, they have the support they need, and even financially okay in things. I want to get out of this cycle and get my best in me, but I am tired and I don't know why even though there's so much to be thankful for. I am guilty that I even felt this way toward mylife.

To the future me, I hope you are doing well and happy. I hope that you in there is very busy working toward you dreams and goals in life. I hope you still hold to God even though your paths is very hard and rough. I hope you will find this and give a laugh because it turns out that life is going to be fine anyway.

Bam, I know you are struggling, overthinking, scared, lonely and discouraged. In this season, you need to strenghten your faith and believe that you have already won the battle. Don't be too hard to yourself and don't be too soft to the situation given to you. Toughen your ideals and ask the Lord to lead the way.

You have purpose in this world, remember that. You are important as everyone on this planet. And you are one in a billion favored in the Lord Jesus Christ.

Time will come and everything will set place according to His will.

Love you, Bam. Good job as always.