Request by @faithfulgambler

Ts took days because, in between working I was trying to figure out how to "post-reply" on a comment till I gave in and just tag the request 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

But you're in luck cause a few of my saves got chance vibes

Chance is a switch in my eyes...

==================

AUDIOS!!!

The other day I finally had time to go to the store and get capris for work. I had been rolling up my jeans pant legs in a desperate attempt to stay cool but it kept irritating me. I rummaged around the whole store for about an hour trying to find a pair in a work appropriate style and my size. It was slim pickings. The only pair I found had about a two and a half inch cut up the sides that I at first hated. It's my third day wearing them and I love it. The cut on the side makes it so easy for me to adjust my knee sleeves. Before with a full length jeans it was a whole ordeal to fix it. It's great!

I also tried finding a tank top that I could wear under the frocks that my one boss had recently gotten for me at work. These new ones were so heavy and thick compared to the old ones (which makes sense because the old ones are practically threadbare). So that meant the new ones were way too warm for me to wear. Anyway, at the store, I had a better selection for tops than I did for pants. Found one that I thought had a good neckline and the tail wasn't too long. I just put it on today paired with one of the new, heavy frocks. Oh my goodness this is like night and day difference! The tank top is so lightweight and doesn't cling to me and the bare arms helps keep me cool.

But even we very carefully avoided discussing המצב so it was still like we were living in different worlds.

The closest I got to bringing it up was when she complimented the Drawfee posters on my wall and I was like, “Thanks, I’m looking to replace them though.” It was a belated bday celebration for her from when I was out of town and had to miss her initial celebration. I didn’t want to be a downer, so I avoided bringing it up as much as possible and I def didn’t tell her I’m moving within the year.

She will easily be the person I’ll miss most here. She’s been the only person I can text about antisemitism any time, but I think even she may have muted me on here. Which I understand. But the people back home haven’t muted me. And I don’t have to pretend to be ok around them.

And ultimately, I’m living half a life here because I don’t want to beg people to care about me. And if my suffering is so great that they have to look away, then it should also be enough for them to check on me about proactively.

Hanging out with a friend and not talking about everything was so nice it was like breathing fresh air after being stuck in a musty cave. But she went home and I feel like I’m suffocating again.

It’s so overwhelming. The isolation is so impossibly overwhelming I cannot even begin to explain it to people who aren’t going thru it.

It’s the kind of thing that would make me ask myself, “Is it me?! Is it just that I’m bad to be around and that nobody likes me?” Except I know it’s not, because a whole group of people back home—both related to me and not related to me—do actually get it and check in on me. When the chips are down, I know they have my back more than anyone else. And so for me and for the future I’m building, I have to go back.

It’s such a brutal blow. But this friend? I will miss her more than anyone else in this whole state and I hope she doesn’t fall out of touch with me. So many emotions, dudes. It’s all so much. I keep wanting to actively unpack the trauma of it all but I can’t because it’s still happening.

One positive thing that comes from all this is that can move up my timeline of when I start trying to get pregnant, which is awesome. I’m ready for that part of my life. Even though I’m sure maternity leave in my new state will suck worse than it would here, financially and time wise. But at least I’ll have a lot of familial support when I’m back home, which I wouldn’t have here.