#solavellanmeta

the way solas returns the inqusitor's early flirtations... this, to me, is in line with the game of arlathan. it is so smooth, so eloquent, and so quick. someone approaches him with interest and he knows how to respond to that interest immediately

this isn't to say there's no truth in it at all, either. just that it's a learned behavior. and he gets a bit of a kick out of totally turning the tables and flustering them. but it's not anything super serious at that point

i think the fade kiss is one of the bigger, realer moments for him, but at the same time, he's still leaning on learned behavior. i truly think he wants them at this point and that there is an element of the intuitive, the reactive, the instinctual in the way he slots their legs together, in the way he deepens the kiss into something very intense, but it's also leaning a bit on what he's learned to do. it's hard to do otherwise! countless centuries of participation in these activities in arlathan, so much of this is deeply internalized

but the way he approaches them afterwards, wanting to talk... i think that's him trying to draw a veil (heh) between them, yes, and to minimize the pursuit he fell into, yes, but it's also because he doesn't want to play the game with them. he wants to know them. he's full of conflict, and is at his best, in a way, when any one behavior can have multiple benefits. in this case, he's distancing himself from the kiss, quickly steering the conversation away from physical intimacy and his own true and performed desperation, and into a much safer territory... while also being able to indulge in his own developing interest

and, lbr, this man likes to converse. i know the fandom jokes about how he talks so much, and he does, to a degree... but it's conversation that he enjoys, not monologuing. he relishes the chance to have a deep discussion with someone. he does not share his stories with the inky randomly, only when asked, and he approves of them asking him to tell him these things, but also asking questions afterwards, about keeping an open mind

but the absolute turning point in the romantic relationship is not in haven. it's not in the fade. it's on the balcony. it's after wisdom.

the inky can show solas that they understand that a spirit is his friend. that he cares about it. they can try and help him free it. (note: i haven't done alternative playthroughs of this particular quest because I Don't Fucking Wanna)

and that is the big shift. for many reasons! one of which is, of course, the fact that solas himself is a spirit. or was, but truly, i think he still is in many fundamental ways. but it is also about the inky being open-minded, not just in words, but in actions. because when they arrive, there is no gentle spirit waiting for them... there is a demon

the inky can choose to trust solas, to trust that even though it is a demon in front of them, that there may still be something they can do. that is the turning point for solas. that is why he approaches them on the balcony. that is why he brings up the kiss again. that is when he first tells them he loves them

because he does. he does

now, this is a meta about sex, and i haven't forgotten! things are left up for interpretation on whether or not solas and the inquisitor had sex. but setting that aside, i think it's worth considering what sex with someone he has fallen in love with would mean to him

now, i write him as demisexual. to be clear, this wasn't something i set out to do intentionally, but the more i wrote him the more clearly his demisexuality manifested. so he's had sex. he's also had sex with mythal, a woman he genuinely loves and is loved by (at least in my view), so intimate sex with a physical desire for the other person is not entirely unknown... but it was not something he thought to ever have again

and i think arlathan ruined sex for him for a long time. instead of a form of intimacy, it became a tool. a weapon. i suspect he and mythal's sexual relationship slowed until it was all but nonexistent, because it just felt fraught and complex

so to find his way back to it again...

i think he's fighting with himself. boldly leading, his body a tool... and he has to stop himself, because he doesn't want that. not with them. if it's during inq, he probably allows a certain amount of that. because he still has to manipulate them. he doesn't want to, but they still can't know who he is

but after... or even after veilguard, in the fade... confident hands on their arms turn to clutching ones, trembling, and his breathing sharpens. he's trying to bury the learned behavior. he wants to be here, to feel this. i can see it going many ways.... starting only to stop, maybe a bunch of times... or letting his partner lead, try to ease him into just reacting instead of guiding, to soften his learned behaviors until they eventually fade away and let something more sincere emerge

they could talk it out. they could feel it out. he could force himself to perform until the performance drops away (i doubt any partner would want that, but it could be solas' choice to do that anyway without consulting them)

and i think this is why being dommed is easier for him, in my view. and why especially being pushed all the way into subspace is easier for him. because suddenly the barriers drop and he's a raw nerve and he's all reaction. there's no performance left. and the fact that he's safe, that he's held afterwards, that as he shakes he's comforted, it makes all the difference

(because i like to explore him being in subspace in arlathan... and it being a vulnerability. whether it's used against him or not i tend to keep intentionally vague, but he knows it is a vulnerability, and any vulnerability can be exploited)

but i also think him finding his way towards his own desires - and particularly any desires around domination or sadism - would be very, very important and cathartic for him as well. anything he does with his lover is going to be completely consensual, but if they want to be dommed by him, if they are a masochist, then he can explore those desires in himself, too, in a safe way

because i do think solas probably has... a lot of kinks. ppl can have kinks for any reason, but ppl can also develop kinks based around their own traumas. so i think he'd have some where that is the origin. and that doesn't make them bad! but it's something i think he'd struggle with, and struggle with the morality of them

sex as a tool is easy. you use it to meet your own ends. you know how far you are willing to go, and that's how far you go. you're in control, even when you're play-acting at vulnerability, unless you're not in control because someone's using the tool on you instead...

now, solas. we learn from veilguard that he did reveal himself as fen'harel to one clan, eventually convincing them, and was driven out. i can't recall the specifics of his explanation (sad), but certainly this was an early encounter with the dalish, and perhaps his first. it would have given him a strong opinion about these modern elves

and then, yeah, the vallaslin. they are wearing slave markings and they don't know it. they are honoring the evanuris as gods, as the literal creators of all that is good and just in the world, praying to them, and the evanuris were slave-owners. they specifically enslaved the ancestors of the elven, of the dalish

it's worth keeping in mind that solas woke only one year before the events of inquisition, to a world that was fundamentally foreign to him. a split world rather than the connected one he had known. and it is his fault... at the same time, it truly appears to have been an accident. the evanuris needed to be dealt with. even the veilguard companions admire what solas did back then

the veil, while accidental, was of course hugely destructive. the very people he was trying to save were killed en masse

it is my personal belief that he entered uthenera very shortly after creating the prison and drawing the veil (possibly even succumbing to it immediately as a result of the magical expenditure), but even if he had entered uthenera later on, his grief would still be very fresh

because as much as arlathan and the elvhen were hit the hardest - since arlathan was interwoven with the fade, and the separation caused physical reactions, structural collapses, etc - the entire world would have been impacted as well. it's not going to be running smoothly and settling into the new norm in a weeks time, y'know? i genuinely can't imagine how long it would take for things to even begin to stabilize and recover, but we're not looking at an insignificant amount of time, not at all

so, where we're at: solas deals with the evanuris, preventing them from taking over the world and blighting it (a good thing!); in the doing, he accidentally creates the veil, destroying arlathan and killing so many elvhen; he also impacts the entire world with this fundamental change

so whether he sleeps immediately or later on, he will still have memories of a world that lived, even if it was flawed (and he knew it was flawed, and knew how deeply flawed it was!) that was transformed into a world that, to his eyes and in his horrified guilt, must have looked like it had died

then he sleeps for so long, and wakes to a world that has stabilized, yes, but he can find nothing familiar within it. he can find no depth. he talks about moving through a world of tranquil... which sounds cruel, and i'm not saying it isn't, but to me this is a clear form of derealization

so, he makes a plan. he is wisdom, and fixing the problems of this mortal realm is what he was called upon to do. he determines a course of action. if putting up the veil doomed the world, then removing it would heal it. and if he must damage the facsimile that has grown up in its place, he will regret that, too, but it is a small price to pay...

but, that's the thing. it isn't. and the derealization is contested again and again. even by arguing with modern people, he is discovering their depth; even by challenging them, he is discovering that they are real. they do not conform to the hollow impression he has built of them in his mind

but his goal... he needs to heal the world. that is his responsibility. because he destroyed it, yes; to avenge mythal, yes; but also because - as with the wisdom -> pride spirit in dai - it is literally what he was called upon to do

if this breaks containment, i need to specify something. i do not think mythal used him or abused him. i do not think she bound him, to his body or to her will. i think she truly, deeply cares about him, and i think she is being entirely earnest when she says she loves him. i think that solas came willingly, because she asked him to

but i also do think that it destroyed him. corrupted him. it corrupted her, too; summoning this gentle spirit she had known and relied upon, and seeing him twisted by the impossibility of their situation. it never had to be malicious, and i don't think it was; it never had to be about using him carelessly, and i don't think it was. but mythal could not stem the tide on her own, and she needed his wisdom, and it broke him

all that being said... he was a spirit, and i think that as he took form, that call to duty was embodied within him. he is here to heal the world. that is his fundamental duty. that is the way he will fulfill his promise to the woman he loves, the spirit he has long admired, and to his own nature, which is a powerful need for a spirit

"brood this is supposed to be about the dalish?" yes!

he encounters modern elves, wearing slave markings with pride. only some gifted with magic and that magic being far weaker than anything they'd had before, and, if all that wasn't bad enough, they are a deeply oppressed people. by the time you journey to skyhold - and likely far earlier - solas is aware that the modern elves are oppressed and demonized. not only did his efforts to liberate the enslaved from their slavers result in the deaths of many he was trying to help, but their descendants are now struggling to make it in a world they ought to have ruled (note: i don't think solas is big on any kind of one-race-ruling-others stuff, but i do think that would be a thought that passes through his mind)

so, yes, he wants to gives the elven what the elvhen had. he wants to give them back their immortality, their magic, their power, their ability to defend themselves. he does not want to recreate arlathan, of course not. what he wants in the modern age is exactly what he wanted in arlathan era; to give the elves freedom to make their own society, free and empowered

right now, everything the dalish are, even in appearance (the vallaslin), is nothing but a reminder of his own worst moments. he knows how to remove the vallaslin, and no one can convince me that he doesn't look at lavellan and recall the expressions of those elvhen who let him remove the markings

just the same... when he offers to remove lavellan's vallaslin, she can say no, and he will not press. he won't insist. and when she worries about his opinion of her, he immediately comforts her. i don't think this is a minor moment, to be swept aside; i think that this is, in many ways, the culmination of solas' growth and acceptance of the dalish. it is also a moment of immense internal conflict for him

[word of god part] he took her to that grotto to tell her the truth of himself. all of it. to trust another dalish with his real name, his real identity, his real history. when they approached that spot, they were easy, gentle, soft. he held her hand. he was at peace

and then... he couldn't. duty reared up when the words were in his throat, and he pivoted. he told her about the vallaslin. he offered to remove it. and if she agrees, he does, but if she says no, he affirms that decision, too. they both know what the marks are. they both know what they mean. and with all that knowledge out in the open, he pretty much says: i know these are important to you. i know that in your eyes - in your culture - they have become something else. i will not insist on removing them. i will not seek to "fix" you

don't get me wrong; he breaks up with her right after. i've written meta on that, too, and how brutally cruel it is to her. because the end of that relationship is now twisted around the truth about her vallaslin, and from a player pov we know that neither choice would have him stay with her, but she doesn't. either she let him remove it, lets him remove that which marks her as specifically dalish, and then leaves her; or she does not let him remove it, she keeps the vallaslin that were once used as slave markings, and he leaves her. in her position, she cannot do anything but associate the two

but i do think that was the cumulative moment for solas, on many levels. on the balcony, he accepts lavellan. or any inquisitor. and he is, by that point, on his way to accepting their culture. he isn't entirely there yet

but later, in the grotto - admittedly somewhere he can only be with a female lavellan, but i think it's not unfair to extrapolate this acceptance to other inquisitor backgrounds, because he has by this point experienced so much more of this modern world - he accepts her, yes, but he also accepts her culture

and accepting her culture is, i think, what so terrifies him. is she was an exception... if the inquisitor, whoever they are, was an exception... then he could still do what he must

but to face the cold hard truth that they are not an exception? that they are special to him, but they aren't special, not in a way that every other person currently living in this world was also and equally special? if that is true, then... he has to stop

and he can't stop

so he leaves

an exception can be mourned. remembered. perhaps even saved, spared. but having to face the knowledge that everyone he is willing to potentially doom ("potentially" because i still don't think he knew what bringing the veil down would do, not really. he certainly feared the outcome, but i don't think he could know what the outcome would be) is equally deep, that there are no exceptions, that such depth is the rule...

crestwood was his pivotal moment. not only in his relationship, but in himself. he brought lavellan there to tell her the truth

in that moment, he had to choose:

am i solas?

or am i fen'harel?

and he could not bring himself to set down the duty and all it meant, all it contained, all it implied

so he tells himself: i am fen'harel

but he's solas. he's always been solas

and it is solas who tells the inquisitor some of his plans during trespasser, enough that they will inevitably pursue him. it is solas who guides them to the awareness that it is fen'harel they face; because he wants to be seen, known, yes, but also to equip them for what will come

she is not, in this moment, his counsel, but his confidante. she listens and she hears. and he recounts it in full; at times he cries, at times he's angry, at times he's laughing, they're both laughing, deeply charmed by some aspect of nessa and solas' history together

mythal is his friend. she is there for him when he needs her

when daw dies, the same thing. when revas dies... that's probably the hardest for him, but that's also what mythal understands best, in a way. through flemeth

and he discusses all his important connections with her, not just lovers and child/children. friends that he has made, and friends he will make. because... he's going to live. he will meet new people, and he will come to care for them. he will be with them until they are gone, and he will endure after, as he always has and always will

but when he endures, he seeks out mythal

he has other children. it does not happen with everyone, but it does happen. perhaps he has a whole lineage he can watch grow, perhaps not. he meets new people. finds new friends. new loves. life continues, and he continues with it

and he is there for mythal in exactly the same way. when morrigan ages, when mythal seeks another host, and when mythal - the woman who was held in flemeth, who was flemythal, and then who was morrithal, hosted by morrigan - mourns her daughter-host, he will be there for her. in the same way she helps him mourn each of his losses, he helps her mourn hers. and he helps her new host acclimate to the weight of her; and, very likely, to the loss of her previous host, as it seems to be unusual that the new host has no relationship to the prior host

perhaps kieran will be next. perhaps someone else entirely, someone else morrigan/morrithal meets. whoever it is, solas will be there to help mythal and the new host mourn the old

and when someone who is not the host but in their life passes, solas will be there for them just the same. when leliana dies, they will each mourn her

their relationship is one strewn throughout the centuries, the millennia. they ebb and flow, but always draw together in their grief, an anchor... and the only one who truly, truly understands what it is to live with these myriad, endless losses. what it means to choose to care for people knowing they are fleeting, compared to you. what it means to leave yourself vulnerable, horribly vulnerable, to endless grief... but also to such joys, such beauty, such wonder. to value that which frightens you