The Girl I Wasn’t Allowed to Love
She exists like a thought I can’t finish writing, Like a star that insists on staying lit despite nightfall fighting. Her eyes hold the kind of patience that I crave, Like she’s already forgiven me for every word I won’t say.
Her hair catches thoughts I don’t mean to think, Her presence makes my careful courage shrink. Her eyes feel like home I was never allowed, Something holy, something devastatingly loud.
When she smiles, something in me caves, Like oceans remembering they were once waves. She laughs, and the world leans just to hear, While I learn how to disappear.
Her voice is a place I’d live and decay, A hymn I replay at the end of each day. Even her silence feels designed, A masterpiece that doesn’t try.
I love her in glances, in pauses, in breath, In all the soft spaces just shy of a mess. I love her in ways I never confess, Like a secret I guard because truth feels reckless.
I love her the way the moon loves the tide, Pulling and aching with nowhere to hide. Loving her makes me gentle and whole, And breaks me in ways I never control.
She loves a boy with careless hands, With promises he doesn’t understand. She loves a boy who holds her by chance, Who stumbles into her like dumb luck romance.
He says her name like it’s easy to say, While I carry it careful, afraid it might break. I tell myself that time will loosen this ache, Like hearts don’t remember the shapes they don’t take.
I sit and I watch, and I swallow my truth, Like loving her is something I’ll outgrow with youth. If I were a man, I swear I would know How to love her loud, how to let it show.
If I were a man, I’d know what to do. I’d walk her home, I’d choose her too. I’d hold the door, I’d say her name Like it was something sacred, not a game.
If I were a man, I’d love without doubt, Without folding my feelings and bleeding them out. I’d love her loud, I’d love her right, I’d never leave her guessing at night.
If I were a man, I’d war with fate itself, With every breath that ever failed to guard her well. I’d trace every fear she hides in her chest, I’d love her slowly, I’d love her best.
But I’m just a girl with hands tied tight, Watching him win her without a fight. She leans toward him, and I learn restraint, Learning the art of wanting without complaint
She doesn’t see the way I stay, How I love her in the quiet way She doesn’t see how I choose her still, In a hundred small ways, against my will.
I love her in ways that will never be seen, In all the almosts, in all the between. And loving her is my favourite crime, A secret I serve one day at a time.
So I smile, I cheer, I play my role, While wanting her splits me clean down to the soul. It’s sad, it’s sweet, it’s quietly true, To love someone deeply and never be chosen to.
