only yours sometimes - l.sh
fwb!sohee x yn | wc: 6.2k angst, suggestive (sexual themes, mentions of and allusions to sex)
noteďźwrote this only for blonde hee. he's all i think about these days đ this is my favorite thing i've written for hee yet. be on the lookout for pt 2 in the future, as well! plz enjoy and thank u for 700 followers <3
when you heard that sohee actually dyed his hair blonde, you decided that you hated him.
you had to convince yourself of it. otherwise, you would spend the rest of your life trapped in this stupid, neverending cycle of heartbreak.
âyouâd look so good blonde,â you said to sohee the last time he was in your bed.
his arm was draped around your bare shoulders, your cheek pressed against his chest while your fingers wandered through his hair. at your words, he raised an eyebrow.
your heart skipped a beat.
if you hadnât been so exhausted from the previous round, you might have jumped his bones all over again.
âreally?â
his hand moved lazily to your face. he tucked a strand of hair behind your ear before letting his fingers linger against your cheek.
you smiled and nodded against his skin.
he looked down at you with sleepy eyes and a small smile you wanted desperately to believe belonged only to you. for a moment, it almost felt like he was yours.
but he wasnât.
sohee was only yours after a party. after a bad exam. sometimes before a party. sometimes to celebrate a good grade. otherwise, he belonged to everyone else. never you.
after he failed a job interview and you got dumped by a fling, the two of you found yourselves drunk enough to stop making good decisions.
the rest of your friends called it a night when sohee insisted on another round at his place for new yearâs. you were the only one who said yes. you told yourself it was because your heart was broken and you wanted somewhere to put the hurt.
that night, sohee told you that you were beautiful. you told him that he was amazing. somehow, both confessions led to him making you feel amazing as the clock struck midnight.
since then, the two of you have always found your way back to each other. when things were really bad. when things were really good. when you were really drunk.
somewhere along the way, you realized you wanted sohee all the time.
drunk. sober. happy. miserable.
you wanted him on ordinary tuesdays and sleepless thursday nights. you wanted him when nothing remarkable had happened at all. but you knew that wasnât how this worked. things like this were never allowed to become something else.
there were no spoken rules. still, you knew not to tell your friends about that first nightâthe one you had convinced yourself would be the only night.
sohee followed suit. he even took it a step further, treating you like less of a friend than everyone else whenever other people were around.
as if distance could erase what happened behind closed doors.
to make matters worse, realizing you had feelings for sohee drastically reduced the number of men you could tolerate looking at. meanwhile, soheeâs roster of girls only seemed to grow.
so the moments you got with him became precious. when you traced the moles on his skin. when he absentmindedly drew shapes against your arm. when you kissed his shoulder and played with his hair. when he whispered sweet nothings into your ear. he was good at lying, too. you had learned that.
âbut donât actually do it, hee.â
you gave his hair a small tug, hoping it would inflict even a fraction of the pain this arrangement had started causing you. imagining sohee blonde made you dizzy.
he hummed before pressing a kiss to the crown of your head.
âwhyâs that?â
sleep was already pulling at your eyelids, but you decided you wanted one more kiss before it stole sohee away from you.
because iâll want you all to myself.
when a blonde sohee really stands in front of you and the rest of your friends, you realize it isnât actually that difficult to hate him.
heâs looking only at you, the same way he looks at you when he tells you youâre pretty. the same way he looks at you when heâs touching you. like he knows. like he knows you love him.
the blonde looks amazing. he looks painfully handsome. the grin on his face is too smug. your stomach turns. you excuse yourself from the table.
one of your friendsâthe one convinced you and sohee had some catastrophic fight on new yearâsâoffers to come with you. her eyes dart between you and him. you refuse.
you need air. you need to be alone. you need sohee to stop being blonde.
outside the bar, your feet carry you two and a half blocks before you can breathe properly again. tears prick at your eyes. you press the heels of your palms against them before anything can fall.
sohee listened to you, which is the problem. if he had laughed it off, forgotten about it, ignored it completely, none of this would hurt so much.
but he listened. the realization plants something ugly inside you. something possessive. you want blonde sohee to be yours because blonde sohee exists because of you.
everyone already wants him. youâve spent years watching people want him.
but now he somehow looks even better than before, and every time someone compliments his hair, youâll remember that the idea came from a sleepy conversation after sex.
heâs blonde because he listened to you. and now you want him all to yourself more than ever. which means youâll never have him.
you ask a pretty girl outside the bar for a cigarette. she hands one over without hesitation. you place it between your lips and prepare to ask for a light, but she disappears back inside before you can.
you stare down at the cigarette. you donât even smoke. you think you just wanted something else to focus on. something that wasnât sohee.
âneed a light?â a voice appears behind you.
your shoulders tense. you donât have to turn around to know heâs grinning.
âyeah,â you say. you keep your eyes elsewhere. âdo you have one?â
from the corner of your eye, you see him shake his head.
of course he doesnât. sohee hates cigarettes. he hates anything stupid. anything addictive. anything a person could end up depending on.
âno, but my scalp was so hot after all that bleach, i swear it couldâve started a fire.â he laughs.
nothing is funny. tears prick your eyes again. you slip the cigarette into your purse.
âi should probably get back,â you mumble, stepping around him. âtheyâre probably waiting.â
his hand wraps around your wrist. the touch sends a shiver down your spine.
âyn.â his voice is soft.
you donât know what heâs about to say. maybe heâll tell you he knows. maybe heâll tell you this has gone too far. maybe heâll tell you heâs sorry. still, you let him stop you. because hope is a stupid thing.
his hand slides from your wrist into your hand. he takes a few steps backward until youâre standing face-to-face.
âdo you like my hair?â
of course you like his hair. you love his hair. you told him to dye it blonde, and he listened.
you love him.
suddenly, your chest feels too tight. sohee is looking at you with something bright in his eyes. hope. stars. something you donât want to name.
this time, you canât stop the tears.
âyouâre mean,â you whisper. your voice barely exists. you drop your gaze to his shoes. heâs wearing the same pair as you. you wonder if he knows.
soheeâs expression immediately crumples. his hands cup your face. he tilts your head back toward him. âwhatâs wrong, baby?â he asks softly. âwhy are you crying?â
you think heâs punishing you. you donât know for what. maybe for loving him. the word baby feels like a knife twisting between your ribs.
heâs never called you that while fully clothed. heâs only ever looked at you like this behind locked doors.
you wonder how many other girls heâs called baby. how many other girls told him heâd look good blonde. maybe one of them is the reason he actually did it.
âi hate you,â you lie. the words come out weak and small.
sohee freezes. his world seems to stop rotating. if you hate him, then he dyed his hair blonde for nothing.
âiâm mean,â he repeats blankly. âand you hate me.â
âyes.â
âthen why are you crying?â
âwhy are you blonde?!â you shoot back immediately.
soheeâs eyebrows lift. to him, the answer is simple. you told him heâd look good blonde, so he went blonde. it never occurred to him that there could be another answer.
before he can say anything, your eyes catch a familiar figure walking down the sidewalk, a lifeline.
âriku! hey,â you call.
the dark-haired boy turns around, confused at first, before his face brightens. âhey, yn!â
he walks over without hesitation. his eyes flick between you and sohee. something passes across his face. understanding, maybe. riku knows who sohee is. more importantly, he knows what sohee is to you.
âitâs been a while,â he says warmly. his hand finds your wrist.
âwe should catch up soon.â
you nod immediately. âyeah. definitely. iâm free right now?â
sohee understands at once. his face grows hot. suddenly, he feels stupid. he feels confused. his scalp still feels strange from the bleach, and heâs been worrying all week that he ruined his hair forever for no reason. and now youâre standing here holding another guyâs hand in front of him.
âi think iâm done for the night, yn.â his voice comes out flatter than he intends. he runs a hand through his hair, the hair you told him to dye. âsee you later?â the question leaves him before he can stop it, hopeful and pathetic, maybe.
because no matter how strange things have gotten between the two of you, youâve never gone out drinking and not ended up at his apartment afterward.
âdonât count on it.â you mean it. or at least, you think you do.
for a second, neither of you moves. then you watch his face fall. itâs subtle, but youâve spent years memorizing sohee. you see it. you watch him turn away and watch his stupid, perfect blonde head disappear down the sidewalk.
and somehow that hurts, too.
sohee thinks you actually hate him. he canât figure out when it happened. he replays every conversation in his head during the walk home. he wonders if he missed something, or if he said the wrong thing. maybe he shouldâve never dyed his hair at all.
the image of you standing with another guy follows him the entire way. rikuâs hand around your wrist, and the way you smiled at him. the way you told sohee not to count on it.
for the first time in a long time, sohee goes home alone.
itâs been two weeks since youâve seen sohee, which means itâs been three weeks since you last touched him.
you can count the days since then, but youâve lost track of how long heâs been on your mind. each passing day feels more unbearable than the last. you miss him. you miss the scent lingering at the back of his nape and drumming your fingers against the warm, smooth skin of his bare back. you miss the way he sings your name softly when he wakes before you in the mornings. you miss the amber in his eyes that only seems to appear beneath sunlight, glowing like something hidden just beneath the surface.
itâs become a cycle. you stare at the last message he sent, then the only picture you have together, then his instagram, and then back to the messages again. when you wake up, you remember the hurt on soheeâs face the last time you spoke. when you walk to class, you find yourself missing the feeling of his hand against your skin. when you eat, you wonder if heâs eating properly these days. when you lie awake at night, you try to remember what it felt like when you and sohee were just friends.
to you, sohee was always the life of the party. if anything ever went wrong, he could fix it with a joke, a funny face, or a laugh so contagious that everyone else had no choice but to join in. youâve always been the quiet one, too cautious, too afraid to let go and have fun. the first day you spent with sohee, he made you laugh so hard your sides ached.
these days, sohee only makes you sad.
after two and a half glasses of wine, you confided in riku.
you told him how badly you wanted sohee. how happy he made you. how much he had come to mean to you, and how terrifying that realization felt.
riku told you to be honest with him. he said sohee deserved to know how you felt. he said that maybe sohee felt the same way. but how could you?
if you told sohee that you loved him, you risked losing one of your favorite people in the world. you wouldnât be able to go to him anymore, not when things were good and not when they were bad. there would be no late-night calls. no comfort. no laughter. no sohee.
a life without sohee doesnât seem worth living. even if heâs surrounded by other girls, even if heâs never really been yours, heâs still yours sometimes. thinking about losing him entirely only makes you realize how much you need him.
itâs almost two in the morning when sohee gets your text.
heâs standing by the door of his apartment, about to go for a walk in a desperate attempt to clear his head after what feels like the tenth straight night without sleep. his hand is already on the doorknob when his phone buzzes.
sohee barely glances at the notification. he assumes itâs another girl who isnât you.
two months ago, he probably wouldâve answered. he wouldâve welcomed the distraction, let someone else occupy his mind for a few hours. but lately, every conversation feels hollow. every face blends together.
because none of them are you.
he pulls out his phone. all your text says is "hi," but itâs enough. itâs enough to make his heart stumble against his ribs. enough to make him abandon the walk entirely. enough to make him shove his phone back into his pocket, lace up his shoes, and start running.
if he takes the shortcut through the park, he can make it to your apartment in ten minutes.
maybe less.
itâs been five minutes, and sohee still hasnât responded to your text.
before panicking, you remind yourself that itâs two in the morning. heâs probably asleep. youâre the one lying awake every night, tossing and turning and living in a constant state of unrest. sohee is probably sleeping peacefully.
youâre about to give up and call it a night when a knock sounds at your door.
your stomach drops.
with every step toward the door, your heart rattles harder against your ribs. by the time your hand reaches the doorknob, youâre convinced it canât possibly be him.
when you open the door, sohee is standing there trying to catch his breath.
his cheeks are flushed pink. his blonde hair is messy from the wind, falling into his eyes as his chest rises and falls beneath a thin t-shirt. for a second, neither of you says anything.
then soheeâs face breaks into a grin the moment his eyes land on you.
you want to cry. all at once, youâre struck by the overwhelming realization that you love him.
before any tears can fall, you reach for his wrist and pull him toward you. the second his arms wrap around you, something inside your chest finally settles. you think sohee sighs against your hair.
âyou ran here?â you mumble into his chest. he smells like sweat and sohee.
âyeah,â he says softly. his voice vibrates through you.
âwhy?â
sohee pulls back just enough to look at you. his eyes find yours immediately.
âyou texted me.â
you stare at him. his arm around your waist doesnât loosen. if anything, it tightens slightly. thereâs nowhere to look except his eyes. your cheeks begin to burn beneath his gaze.
your fuck buddy dyed his hair blonde because you told him it would look good. then he ran to your apartment at two in the morning because you sent him a text that only said hi after weeks of no contact.
you arenât sure what youâre supposed to do with that information.
âcome in,â you say eventually. your face feels impossibly hot. you try to step away.
âitâs been so long. i donât get a kiss?â
sohee pulls you back against him with the cheekiest grin youâve ever seen.
your entire face burns, because thatâs the problem with kissing sohee.
if you kiss him tonight, you wonât stop there. and if you donât stop there, nothing will change. youâll still love him, heâll still be sohee. and tomorrow morning youâll wake up wanting even more.
âletâs at least get inside first,â you say weakly.
sohee rolls his eyes, but the grin never leaves his face.
the second his grip loosens, you lean forward and press a quick kiss to his cheek before slipping out of his arms and making a beeline for the kitchen.
behind you, everything goes quiet. you glance over your shoulder.
soheeâs head has fallen back. heâs staring at the ceiling with one hand covering his eyes, a helpless grin spreading across his face. his ears are pink. his cheeks are pink. for a moment, he looks younger than usual. softer.
you have to look away before your heart does something stupid.
sohee thinks youâre way too cute.
he inches around the corner into the kitchen, where you have your head buried in the fridge.
when you spin around, he canât quite hide his smile.
âwant a water?â you ask, pressing a cold bottle against your flushed cheeks. âsince you ran and all?â
sohee is standing too close and heâs grinning.
before you can take a step back, he hooks two fingers into the pocket of your hoodie and gently pulls you toward him. your breath catches. your chest rises and falls with anticipation while you clutch the water bottle between the two of you.
âi would loveâŚâ he says, his voice low enough to make your heart race. your hands start shaking.
then sohee releases you, reaches past your hands, and takes the bottle. âa water. thanks, yn.â
he twists the cap open and grins. sohee watches your reaction and remembers exactly why you became his favorite girl to play with. you wear every emotion openlyâsurprise, annoyance, hope. all of it passes across your face before you can stop it.
he loves that about you.
you escape to the couch while sohee drinks his water. settling into your usual spot in the center cushion, you try to focus on the television instead of him to no avail.
your eyes drift to his throat. you watch his adamâs apple bob as he drinks. watch the way his hair falls over his forehead. watch the way the blonde somehow makes his eyes look even warmer.
sohee catches you staring and his grin widens immediately.
you look away first. you wonder if heâs really this happy. you wonder what makes him smile when youâre not around. you wonder why he smiles so much when heâs with you. has it always been like this? or does three weeks simply feel long enough to make you forget? the time apart feels less like three weeks and more like a year.
the last time you sat together on this couch, you barely made it through half an episode of whatever random show heâd put on before his hand was up your shirt and your tongue was in his mouth.
today, youâre determined to talk, like you used to.
sohee drops down onto the couch beside you, close enough that his leg immediately presses against yours. his hand settles on your knee, warm and familiar, and leaves it there.
you put all your concentration into choosing a movie while trying not to think about the fact that soheeâs hand is finally back on your skin.
he leans forward and you feel his breath brush the back of your neck. his chin settles against your shoulder.
âsoheeâŚâ you whine softly, nudging him away.
you click on the first movie that looks remotely watchable before finally turning your attention toward him.
âwhat?â he asks.
he pulls back, but only slightly.
âwhatâs wrong?â
his leg remains pressed against yours. his eyes shine beneath an exaggerated pout.
you still canât believe heâs blonde, and back in your apartment. heâs blonde and sitting on your couch and looking at you like that. but heâs not yours. sohee has occupied every corner of your life for months. heâs been inside of you, and still, he isnât yours. the realization stings every time.
you turn toward him completely and reach up to run your fingers through his hair. the strands are softer than you expected. âyour roots havenât come in yet,â you say quietly. sohee immediately brightens. âiâve been keeping up with it.â your fingers continue combing through the pale strands. âyou have?â
âyou havenât really gotten to see much of it.â he smiles. âi figured i should at least do that much for you.â
your hand stills, and so does your heart. âfor me?â
something flickers in his expression. something soft. he wants you to keep touching his hair. he thinks he could stay exactly like this forever, on your couch, with your fingers in his hair.
he nods slowly. âi want to keep this color for a long time, yn.â
his words make you feel a little insane, and you can tell that they were carefully chosen. every time you try to move on, sohee hands you another sliver of hope. like water to someone dying of thirst.
heâs maintaining a difficult, expensive hair color because you once told him it would look good. he wants to stay blonde because you suggested it. your heart takes that information and runs far beyond what heâs actually said.
it imagines permanence and commitment and a future. it imagines him choosing you the same way youâve already chosen him.
before your thoughts can spiral any further, your hands slide from his hair to his face. your thumbs brush over the moles on his cheek, the ones youâve always loved.
sohee closes his eyes briefly. he thinks he could stay here forever, too.
then reality returns. you wonder how many other girls have played with his hair. how many have touched his face. how many have looked at him and fallen in love despite knowing better. how many text him at two in the morning. how many he would run to.
your chest tightens.
rikuâs words drift back into your head:Â the only way youâll ever know is if you tell him. but youâve already decided you canât. so instead, you choose uncertainty. you choose darkness.
âhey.â soheeâs voice is gentle. he brings his hands over yours. âwhatâs wrong? let me in.â
you pull away first. your hands fall into your lap as you shift against the back cushion. drawing your knees to your chest, you rest your chin on them and look at him. his eyelashes, the slope of his nose. his messy blonde hair. you memorize him instead of answering.
sohee doesnât know what to do when you close yourself off. he isnât sure where he stands anymore. not after three weeks, not after the bar. not after tonight. more than anything, he doesnât want to make the wrong move. so he waits.
âhow have you been, sohee?â
he hesitates. he isnât sure whether to tell the truth. he wants to say the right thing. he wants to make you happy. he opens his mouth, but nothing comes out.
âi bet youâve been good, right?â you continue. your voice is light, but only barely. âyouâve probably been busy. probably even more popular with that hair.â your lower lip juts out into a small pout. âitâs okay. i already know.â
what you really wanted was for him to say heâd been miserable. that he couldnât sleep. that he couldnât stop thinking about you. but thatâs not how this works. you know that much.
sohee shakes his head. âi havenât been busy.â you glance at him, confused. âa lot ofâŚpeople wanted to see the blonde, sure.â he shrugs. âbut it didnât matter.â your stomach twists. âwhy not?â he looks down at his hands. âbecause they werenât you.â his voice is quiet, almost embarrassed. âyou were the one who suggested it.â
the room suddenly feels too warm. you stare at him. you arenât sure if he understands what heâs saying. you arenât sure if heâs trying to make you feel this way. you arenât sure whether to be touched, angry, hopeful, or completely confused. all you know is that your face is burning. all you know is that your heart has been racing since the moment he appeared outside your door.
âwhy didnât you text me?â you try to keep your voice steady. you try not to cry. sohee answers immediately. âyou told me not to count on it.â
sohee doesnât know what else he can do to make you understand him.
you stare at him. at his blonde hair and his big brown eyes staring right back at you. he looks softer tonight somehow. maybe itâs because itâs really late. maybe itâs because heâs sitting on your couch after running all the way here. maybe itâs because you missed him so much that everything about him feels overwhelming.
you want to believe that heâs been thinking about what you said ever since the last time you saw him. the possibility makes your chest feel light. thinking that sohee spent the last few weeks upset at the idea of losing you makes you want to smile.
sohee drops his gaze to his hands. âwhat are we doing here, yn?â
you lift your head from your knees and glance around the room as though the answer might be hidden somewhere between the couch cushions.
itâs almost two thirty in the morning. youâre sitting on your couch with sohee. he ran here because you texted him. he dyed his hair blonde because you told him heâd look good that way. and now heâs asking what the two of you are doing here.
you search desperately for the right answer. what does sohee want you to say? what does he want the two of you to be? would he be upset if you were honest? you donât even know what honesty would sound like.
âweâre friends,â you try. your voice lifts at the end like a question.
sohee lets out a slow breath. you watch his shoulders sink. his eyes stay fixed on his hands. you have a feeling that was the wrong answer.
the problem is that sohee doesnât know what answer he wanted, either. he only knows that he didnât like that one. because how many friends do you have? how many friends make your chest hurt like this?
âwas riku a friend, too?â he finally looks up at you, but something about him has closed off, just enough for you to notice. you have absolutely no idea what youâre doing.
âriku is my friend,â you say with a slow nod.
sohee reaches over and tucks a loose strand of hair behind your ear before it can fall into your face. the touch is brief and gentle. you wish it lasted longer.
âbut youâre a different type of friend, sohee,â you add carefully. immediately, a little brightness returns to his eyes.
âoh yeah?â his lips curl into a grin.
you nod again. you pray he doesnât ask you to elaborate. you wouldnât know where to begin.
âand what kind of friend is that?â
you stare at him. sohee watches you think. watches you turn the question over and over in your head like youâre afraid of choosing the wrong answer. he hopes you donât.
âa friend who sleeps over?â you finally offer. your voice comes out small. your eyes are impossibly wide when you look at him.
for a second, sohee just stares. he hadnât expected that answer. it feels like youâve thrown him a rope after weeks of drowning. he refuses to let go of it.
âyou can sleep over tonight, sohee.â you nod once, as if convincing yourself. youâre not sure if youâve made the right decision. if anything, youâre pretty sure youâve made things worse.
âokay.â sohee smiles.
he looks soft and beautiful. his hair falls into his eyes and his cheeks are still faintly pink from the run over. you want to kiss him.
âjust sleep, though,â you add quickly when he starts leaning closer. his grin widens. âjust sleep.â his voice drops into a whisper. âno funny business.â
when his lips begin brushing dangerously close to yours, you force yourself to turn your head away with a nervous giggle. âyâknow what iâve been thinking about lately, sohee?â
he pulls back with a disbelieving laugh. one hand comes up to rub the back of his neck. âwhatâs been on your mind?â
you chew on your bottom lip. your eyes stay glued to him and his pretty pink lips, the slope of his nose, and the warmth in his eyes. his blonde hair.
âi was remembering the first time we hung out.â your hand drifts into his hair automatically. âhow much fun we had.â your fingers comb through the pale strands. âyouâve always been so fun.â
sohee leans into your touch without realizing it. âwe still have fun.â
you shake your head. ânot like before.â
a pout immediately settles onto his face. you almost laugh. he always looks offended when you criticize him, even a little.
the truth is, sohee always has fun with you. heâs having fun right now. heâd probably have fun sitting in complete silence if it meant being next to you. but he wants to make you happy. so he plays along.
âokay,â he says. âthen letâs just talk tonight.â he shifts closer, resting his arm along the back of the couch behind you. âweâll stay up like we used to.â
you raise an eyebrow. âjust talk?â
âjust talk and sleep.â
the smile on his face makes it very difficult to believe him. and judging by the smile slowly spreading across yours, neither of you is convinced.
itâs technically afternoon, but you wake up exactly where you wish you could every morning.
sohee spent hours talking to you and making you laugh until the sun came up. when you dozed off in the middle of a laugh, he woke you gently and guided you through your nighttime routine. the two of you washed up for bed side by side in your bathroom like you used to, and the toothbrush of his that youâd kept for weeks was finally used again.
when it was time to sleep, sohee pulled you into his chest and tucked your head beneath his chin. sleep found both of you at the same time.
sohee wakes up first. he reaches up and pats your hair softly, taking his time looking at you. youâre so pretty. even now, with sleep still clinging to your face, you look calm. happy.
he presses a kiss to your forehead and hopes youâll allow a friend that much. this is the best sleep heâs gotten in weeks. he isnât sure he can sleep without you anymore.
âyn,â he sings softly, barely above a whisper. just like always.
his voice drifts into your dream so naturally that you donât realize youâre awake. your eyes flutter open to sohee. youâve been tired for so long that you canât quite tell the difference between dreams and reality anymore. everything feels soft around the edges.
everything feels warm. everything feels right.
âmmmm, my sohee,â you mumble, smiling sleepily. your hands find his face immediately. his skin feels awfully warm for a dream.
sohee melts beneath your touch. he leans into your palms as your thumbs brush over his cheeks and wander into his hair. his eyes soften. a smile tugs at the corners of his lips.
you donât give him the opportunity to say anything before your lips find his.
itâs been so long since youâve kissed sohee that kissing him in a dream feels perfectly reasonable. except this dream feels strangely real. your fingers are tangled in his hair and his lips are warm beneath yours. when you kiss him again, he kisses you back.
youâve missed him so much. you kiss him like you might never kiss him again. for something thatâs supposed to be a dream, you can feel everything, from the warmth of his mouth to the spit around your lips. when you kiss him harder, he presses your body flush against his. if you think friends can kiss, he hopes your idea of friends can do this, too. your body fits against his like it always has.
if this is a dream, you decide you donât want to wake up yet.
eventually you pull away just enough to catch your breath. your hands drift back to his face. you brush your thumb across one of the moles on his cheek.
âi love your moles, hee,â you murmur. you lean forward and press a lingering kiss there.
âlove your cute nose.â another kiss.
soheeâs heart is beating so hard heâs convinced you can hear it. he has no idea whatâs happening. he doesnât know whether youâre awake. he doesnât know whether you know youâre awake.
he only knows that every soft confession makes him feel a little more unsteady.
your lips wander to his jaw. your fingers drift lazily over the warmth of his body. âi loveâŚâ you begin softly.
your hand slips beneath the waistband of his sweatpants.
âi love this too, but most of allâŚâ
âyn.â his voice comes out rougher than he intends. his heart feels seconds away from bursting out of his chest.
heâs still trying to recover from your kiss, from your hands in his hair. from the way youâre looking at him. he doesnât think youâd ever say any of this so openly if you knew exactly what was happening. and as much as he wants to hear the rest, heâs terrified of ruining whatever this is.
âgood morning,â he says instead. he pulls you gently against his chest.
when your ear settles over his heartbeat, reality crashes back all at once. you remember last night on the couch and talking until sunrise. sohee ran to your apartment.
this isnât a dream. sohee is actually here, in your bed, holding you. all you did was talk and sleep. and it was perfect.
"good morning,â you mumble. your voice is small now. âwhat time is it?â you make no effort to move from where youâre tucked against him. âdonât know,â he says into your hair. âdidnât want to let go of you to check.â
his heartbeat stays calm, but yours doesnât. you think you should tell him to check. you think you should move. instead, you stay exactly where you are. itâs been so long since youâve been held. so long since youâve slept this well. âsohee,â you mumble against the thin fabric of his shirt. âyeah?â âi just woke up, right?â
he pauses. thereâs something fragile in your voice. he already knows the answer youâre hoping for. âyeah.â you relax immediately. âokay. good.â a beat passes. âthanks.â he brushes a hand through your hair. âwhy do you ask?â you burrow deeper into his chest. âhad a crazy dream.â your voice comes out muffled. âit felt real.â
sohee smiles into your hair. for the first time, he thinks he finally understands what this is.
eventually, the two of you climb out of bed. you brush your teeth side by side like you used to, bumping shoulders in the tiny bathroom. neither of you says much. it feels too normal, which makes it feel dangerous.
you find yourself staring at soheeâs back while he changes his shirt. at the broad slope of his shoulders. at the familiar shape of him. you look away before he catches you.
sohee wishes he didnât have to work. he wishes he could stay here all day, in your apartment, in this strange little bubble where nobody else seems to exist, where itâs just you and him.
when he leaves, he presses a long kiss to your forehead. you look too fragile, too delicate. he almost doesnât go.
after the door closes behind him, the apartment feels quieter than before. you return to your bed and pull the blanket over yourself. in your imagination, sohee belongs only to you. there are no other girls, uncertainty, or wondering. for twelve hours, it felt like that imaginary world had somehow become real. returning to reality hurts more than you expected.
later that day, sohee texts you. he says one of his friends is throwing a party later this week.
you stare at the message longer than necessary before answering. iâll see you there.















