I walked up to Lee Know's house and knocked on the door. My palms were sweating, and I couldn't stop myself from biting my nails nervously as I waited on the porch. When Lee Know had suggested this idea yesterday, I'd thought he was joking. Like always, though, he'd convinced me to go along with it. So here I was, at his doorstep with a CVS bag of condoms in hand, about to learn how to have sex.
I was already 22 and still a virgin. I felt so far behind my peers and had been complaining to Lee Know about exactly that at the bar.
"I could just show you," he'd slurred, putting his arm around my shoulder.
"Oh sure," I'd rolled my eyes.
"I'm serious!" Lee Know reaffirmed. As if to prove it, he leaned in and kissed my cheek. I blushed a bright red. "Come over tomorrow at 7."
I faintly heard footsteps approaching the door and took a step back. Lee Know swung it open and looked surprised to see me.
"Han?" he furrowed his brows. "What are you doing here?"
"Oh... ummm..." I stuttered. It was obvious that he didn't remember our plan.
"Is that for me?" he pointed at the CVS bag.
My eyes grew wide, and I rushed to hold it behind my back. "No!"
"What is it?" Lee Know asked, noticing my suspicious behavior. He stepped forward, and we wrestled over the bag for a moment before he ultimately won and looked inside.
"Condoms?" he questioned.
I snatched it back with tears of embarrassment stinging my eyes.
"Oh! Right!" he snapped his fingers together as he recalled our conversation.
"I should go," I began and tried to turn, but Lee Know grabbed my elbow to hold me back.
"I thought you wanted to learn," he remarked.
I took a deep breath and stared shyly at the ground. "I do, but we don't have to. You didn't even remember..."
"Come on in," Lee Know stepped aside, and I looked up, meeting his eyes to make sure he really meant it. Once I was sure, I walked in.
I'd been to Lee Know's house many times. He had retro 70s decor that didn't fit his vibe at all. He also had three cats, two of whom were cuddling on the couch while the third sprinted into the room, ready to defend his owner from any strangers.
"Hi Soonie," I bent down and held my hand out. The cat recognized me immediately and purred against my hand before running back to where he had come from.
Lee Know watched in amusement. "Soonie is usually too shy to let people pet him."
I smiled. To me, it was the highest of compliments for a timid pet to feel comfortable around me.
"This way," Lee Know urged and we headed down the hallway to his room. With every step, it was becoming more and more real what we were about to do.
Lee Know walked into his room and moved a few things off the bed. I remained in the doorway, frozen in fear.
"Han?" Lee Know turned around when he realized I wasn't beside him.
"Iβummβ this was a mistake." The bag rustled in my hand from how much I was shaking.
"Han, come here," Lee Know patted the empty spot on his bed beside him. I'd sat on his bed hundreds of times. I'd even slept in it when I wasn't able to drive home. But walking towards it now felt scary. I opted for his gaming chair instead, proud that I'd even made it into the room.
"Han, do you really want to learn?" Lee Know questioned. "You look terrified."
I was terrified. What if I did it wrong? What if Lee Know thought it was weird afterward, and we couldn't be friends anymore? Not to mention, I'd always had a teensy crush on him that I'd been able to keep at bay...what if that got out of hand, and I ruined things?
"I want to learn," I assured him. "I just...will it hurt?"
Lee Know pulled on the arms of the chair and rolled me closer to the bed. He put his hands on my thighs and leaned forward.
"I'll make sure it doesn't," he promised. "I'll make sure it feels so good."
"Why?" I found myself wondering. Why would he do this for me?
He leaned back and shrugged, "Why not?"
"Won't it be weird? We've been friends for so long and..."
"Han I've seen you naked a thousand times," Lee Know rolled his eyes. To him, this obviously meant nothing.
"This is a lot more intimate than peeing beside me at a urinal," I pointed out.
"You're not wrong," he cocked his head to the side. "How about this...if either of us feels weird, we tell the other and stop it right away. No questions asked. No hurt feelings. Just game over. Okay?"
I nodded, and he leaned forward again.
"Are you a top or a bottom?" He was so close and his eyes squinted excitedly at me.
"I don't know," I admitted.
"Why don't we start with a kiss and we'll find out along the way," he whispered, his words hitting my lips. My heart pounded in my chest, and I already felt dizzy.
"You have kissed someone right?"
"Yes," I smacked him. He'd seen it.
"Who?" he laughed. "Are you talking about Kathy?"
"...Yes," I admitted awkwardly.
Lee Know sighed disapprovingly. "Your high school beard isn't what I'm talking about, Han. Have you been really kissed since coming out? By a guy?"
I fixated on Lee Know's hands on my knees. "No," I muttered embarrassingly.
He sucked in a breath in surprise but moved his hands off my legs. I looked up, feeling rejected, but he then noticed he had a hand out for me. I took it, and he pulled me from the chair to stand in front of him. His legs were spread on either side of my waist, and I fit so well between them. With how much taller he was, we were exactly at eye-level like this.
"Close your eyes," Lee Know instructed me.
"How am I going to learn if I can't see?"
"Han, just close your eyes," he said more sternly with a serious look on his face.
I did as he said, not wanting to piss him off when he was doing me a favor. His thighs scooted closer to me from where he sat on the bed until our hips were almost touching. He picked up one of my hands from where it hung by my side and put it around his neck. I moved my other hand there instinctively.
"See, you don't need to watch to learn," he praised me. I could hear the smile on his lips and it made my ears burn red.
Lee Know placed his hands on my jaw, and his thumbs stroked across my cheeks. The feeling sent tickles down my spine, and I shivered.
"So pretty," he whispered.
My eyes fluttered open at the words. "Lee Know, don't say things you don't mean. Don't confuse me," I pleaded. It was going to be hard enough to kiss and fuck him, but hearing him speak so sweetly would be too much.
"How do you know I don't mean it?"
"Because we're friends and..."
"I can't find my friends pretty?" he argued.
"You can but..."
"Then close your eyes and shut up, Han."
I had a habit of talking back to my friends but something in the tone of his voice made me want to listen.
I focused on the delicate way his hands cupped my face, and one of his thumbs grazed my bottom lip making my heart skip a beat.
"So pretty," he muttered again. I didn't interrupt him this time, but hearing him say those words had my stomach doing flips.
Lee Know leaned closer so that his lips just barely touched mine. I puckered to accept his and his bottom lip melted between mine.
It was just a few seconds that we stayed that way. When he pulled back, my eyes opened to meet his and everything felt different. I hated myself for it, but I wanted more. He was still holding my face, and I was still clasped around his neck. Time felt like it was standing still.
I blinked and tried to undo what had just happened. I knew already that if we did anything more I wouldn't be able to control my feelings. I went to take a step back, but his hands abandoned my cheeks to pull me back by my waist.
"Where do you think you're going?" he teased.
"I-I don't think I can do this," I confessed.
"Han," Lee Know groaned.
It was just my name but the way he said it tugged at me as though I were a puppet. I went limp in front of him, completely at his will. He replaced my hands on his shoulders and kneaded his fist against my sides. I closed my eyes and rolled my neck from how good it felt to be touched by him.
"What are you so scared of?" he sultrily whispered.
"I..." I began but was cut off by Lee Know's tender lips against my own. I melted into him immediately.
His hands wrapped from my sides to my back and he forced me close to him with one hard pull. I yelped in surprise, and he moaned in response, which I hadn't been expecting.
I pulled away, and he leaned forward with his eyes closed and cheeks flushed, silently begging me to continue kissing him. He looked as needy as I felt.
His eyes slowly opened, and he looked almost drunk on me. His hands fisted the fabric of my shirt on my back until there was a sliver of exposed skin on my waist. He placed his hand over it and dropped his forehead to mine. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, I did my best not to pass out from how feral he looked.
"Lee Know..." I began but he placed a finger over my lips.
"Shhh," he hushed me and pulled my waist in even closer. I was right against him now. Neither of us was fully hard or soft, but knowing I could tell the difference because of how close I was, was enough to have me incapable of thinking about anything else. "Roll your head back like you did earlier," he instructed me, his voice breathy.
I removed my forehead from his and listened. I felt Lee Know's lips against the skin on my neck, and I moaned when I felt him pull a bit of skin between his teeth to nibble. My hands gripped onto the back of his neck tightly, and I gasped when I felt his tongue lick from the base of my neck to my ear.
"Are you going to be a good boy," he rasped sending a shiver down my spine.
My vision went blurry when he spoke those words. All of the blood from my brain and body abandoned station to flood into my dick.
"Y-yes," I stuttered. I'd never felt like this in my life. My body and mind wanted to relinquish all control to him.
"Hmm," Lee Know cocked an eyebrow in amusement and placed another hand on my cheek. This time his thumb found my lips right away to part them. "Open," he directed, so I did.
He put his thumb into my mouth and I wrapped my lips around it and sucked. Lee Know sighed prettily, and my eyes snapped to his excitedly since I knew he'd made that noise because of me.
"You are a good listener," he praised.
His thumb was still between my lips, and my heart raced at the compliment.
"Do you know why you're feeling so strange, baby?" Lee Know asked softly as he removed his finger from my mouth to tap my head. "Know why it's empty up here right now?"
I shook my head. I had no idea but I loved it. I loved not having to think or worry about anything.
"You're in subspace. I can tell because your eyes are so glazed over like you're waiting for me to tell you what to do or to take control."
I blinked at him in surprise. He'd just described exactly how I was feeling. I didn't know whether to be shy about that or not.
His hand stroked down my side and settled on the exposed bit of my waist again.
"Do you like that feeling, Han? Do you like abandoning your mind?"
I nodded. Lee Know's other hand stroked up and down my back making me shudder against him.
He smiled at my reaction. "I don't think I'm going to be very good at teaching you how to have sex, because I'm not a sub."
My heart sank and I hung my head in disappointment. "Oh."
Lee Know's hand left my back to raise my chin so that I'd look at him again. "I said I wouldn't be a good teacher, baby. Not that I didn't want to fuck you."
My eyes went wide at his bluntness.
"Would you like that, pretty boy? Do you want me to fuck you?"
My heart fluttered, and I choked out a quick, "Yes."
Lee Know placed his lips against mine for a brief moment, and I whined in complaint when he ended it so soon.
"I'm going to take your shirt off," he told me.
He fingered the hem of my shirt, preparing to take it off, and I raised my arms to make it easier for him. He pulled the fabric over my head and dropped it to the ground.
"You did such a good job helping me," he commended me.
I grinned proudly at him, and he gave me another kiss.
"I also think you have a praise kink, Han," Lee Know diagnosed me. "Do you know what that is?"
"No," I told him. I could assume though...
"It's the feeling you're getting whenever I tell you how good you are or compliment you. It's turning you on more, isn't it?"
"Yes," I admitted.
Lee Know tore off his shirt, and my eyes found themselves staring at his abs. He tossed his shirt aside. "Then this is going to be fun," he laughed.
He pulled me in and attacked my lips with his. I moaned and intertwined my fingers in his hair. Lee Know's hands stroked down my back gently which had me arching into him, and once my bare chest was flat against his, he squeezed my ass. I gasped in surprise, and he locked his wild, eager eyes with mine.
"I love that sound, Han," he admitted before slapping my bum to have me make it for him again. My cheeks burned. Lee Know hopped off the bed and kissed my cheek.
"Get naked and get on the bed. I'll be right back."
My heart fluttered, and I felt so eager to please him that my pants were off before he'd even left the room. I stripped out of my boxers and got into the bed, but he hadn't told me where he wanted me or if I should be lying a certain way. I settled on kneeling and waiting for him.
The door creaked open again and he paused to look at me. "Shit," he hissed and bit his lip. "You really are a sub, aren't you, pretty boy?"
He walked forward and each step closer made my heart beat faster. He placed his hands on my thighs and kissed my neck. "You look so pretty, Han, sitting on your knees like that."
His hands moved further up my thighs until they were on either side of my dick. He looked down. "Has anyone ever sucked your dick, Han?"
"Y-yes," I told him, stammering from how dizzy his touch was making me.
"Anyone besides Kathy?" he rolled his eyes.
"N-no."
"Hmm." Lee Know pressed his lips against my neck, and I rolled it back again to give him more access.
"See you're a fast learner," he praised. He kissed down to my collarbone before gently pushing me to lie down.
"Sometimes in subspace, people find themselves unable to speak," he explained as he kneaded my thighs. "I'll stop if you say stop, but if you can't just clap, okay?"
"Okay," I agreed breathlessly. Lee Know kissed my torso and down my abs until his lips were right at the base of my cock. "Please," I begged.
"Good job using your manners, baby," he remarked before taking the tip of my dick between his lips. He circled my head with his tongue and sucked down onto it.
"So-so good," I whined at the feeling and fisted my hands in his sheets as my eyes pinched shut.
Lee Know popped off before moving down on my shaft even deeper. His mouth was so wet and warm, and it was euphoric to have it around my cock.
I looked down and found him gazing up at me eagerly. I put my hand in his hair and encouraged him to push down until he'd taken all of me.
"Fuck," I groaned.
Lee Know hummed in agreement and the vibrations around my dick caught me off guard. I writhed in pleasure, and my hips rolled into his mouth.
His hands gripped my waist to hold me still and he bobbed up and down quickly. I could do nothing but pant as I tried to hold my orgasm off as long as possible, but he felt so good. His hands cupped my balls and squeezed them gently, and I lost all control and released my climax down his throat.
My hips convulsed with every spurt, and Lee Know held me as still as he could with gentle hands at my waist. I sighed once I was done, and he sucked as he pulled off of me, milking every last drop of cum. I heard him swallow and whimpered at the sound of it.
"You tasted so good for me baby," Lee Know muttered as he came to lie between my spread legs.
I was still feeling high, and I clasped my hands around his neck to pull him down for a kiss. He obliged, and I hummed as his tongue dipped into my mouth.
He pulled away, and I dropped my head back onto a pillow.
He began kissing my neck again, and I let my hands explore his chest and shoulders. He was so muscular. I'd had no idea because I had done my best not to stare so he wouldn't know about my crush.
"Next," he began. "I'm going to place you over my legs and stretch your little hole."
I'd nearly forgotten there was more to be explored, and my eyes opened eagerly.
"Would you like that, Han? Do you want me to open you up?"
I nodded and sat up. Lee Know moved to the edge of the bed where he'd been earlier and swung his legs over the side.
"Come here," he patted his lap and pulled something out of his pockets. I leaned over him the way he'd told me that he wanted me to, and he spanked my behind. "You're such a good listener, Han. I may have to keep you for myself."
My stomach did a flip. More days like this with Lee Know sounded perfect. His fingers grazed up and down my back making me shiver.
"I'm going to start with a very small side of the toy and work up from there, okay?"
I nodded and Lee Know spanked me again, more harshly this time. "I need you verbal if possible, Han. Do you understand?"
"Yes," I responded. I could feel my dick growing hard again already.
"Good boy," he said as he soothed the raised skin he'd just hit.
I heard the sound of something open and then felt his finger at my hole rubbing a gel on it.
"Trying to make this as easy as possible for you, Han" he explained. Even just his finger at my hole had me moaning. Nothing had even gone in yet, and I was already a squirming and desperate mess.
I felt the skinny end of the toy he'd brought at my entrance, and Lee Know rubbed circles on my back. "Now, when I push in, you're going to want to push it out. Try to be a good boy and don't do that, okay?"
"Okay," I agreed, my heart racing in my desire to please him.
Lee Know counted down, so I wouldn't be surprised and pushed the toy in me. He was right. My body did want to push it out, but even more than that, my body wanted to obey him. I took deep breaths and relaxed so he could keep it going.
Unfortunately, the toy began feeling too big and I whimpered in pain. I hadn't indicated for him to stop though so he kept going until I cried out "Ow, ow."
Lee Know pulled the toy out and gripped my cheeks to face him.
"Han," he said disapprovingly.
My eyes went wide at the tone. Had I done something wrong? I'd just wanted to be good for him. I shouldn't have complained. I should've just taken it.
"I'm sorry," I apologized, my lip quivering. "I didn't mean to make you stop. It just hurt and..."
"Han, hey," Lee Know's voice soothed, "If it hurts I want you to tell me."
"But...I didn't want to disappoint you. I wanted to be good."
"Shit," Lee Know hissed again. I could feel his dick grow beneath my abdomen. "Han," he sighed, "If it hurts I need you to tell me, okay? I won't be mad. I want to make you feel good. You want to help me do that, don't you?"
I nodded.
"Then don't be afraid to tell me to stop, okay? It doesn't mean we won't still keep going. We'll figure out how to adjust together to make you feel good."
"Okay," I agreed.
With that, Lee Know reinserted the toy, moving more carefully this time. He'd push and pull it out constantly allowing me to get used to each width. It got deeper the further he inserted it and I started moaning and enjoying the feeling.
Lee Know pressed down on my back, and I arched my butt into the air for him.
"Good boy, Han. You can do it baby, just a little more."
I whimpered in pleasure this time as he filled me with the toy. I felt his hand and knew this must be the end of it. I groaned and dropped my head forward. He pushed and pulled it out of me as I whined.
"You're so good at taking the toy, pretty boy."
"Lee Know," I cried out. The toy stilled inside me and I worried I'd crossed a line by saying his name like that. We were friends after all...
Neither of us moved or spoke for a few seconds until he uttered, "Say my name again."
The mood had shifted. It suddenly felt so serious.
"Lee Kn...oh!" I began, and he pushed the toy into me as I spoke.
He'd liked it.
"Again," he demanded.
"Lee Know," I whined out as he pushed it in even deeper.
"Again."
This time he used his other hand to fist my hair, and his name came out like a stuttered cry.
He lifted me from his lap and pulled me to straddle him instead. His lips attacked mine needily. "You sound...so...fucking good...for me baby," he told me between kisses.
My dick was completely hard again, as was Lee Know's.
He placed me on the bed beneath him and leaned away to strip out of his clothes.
I'd seen Lee Know's dick before but never hard. I eyed his impressive length hungrily, and he tapped my chin to urge me to look up at his face instead of his cock.
"Han, before I do this..." he started. "I don't know if we can be friends after. Actually, I know we can't."
My chest tightened as my fears were confirmed.
"Baby, you're being so good for me that I'm going to want to fuck you all the time. If you don't want that..."
My eyes twinkled excitedly. "I want it. I've wanted it for years actually," I confessed. Apparently, my fucked out brain had no filter.
He gave me a longing and sweet kiss. "Good. Because even after that first kiss the thought of training you for someone else made me sick."
"I'm yours," I muttered.
"You're mine," he groaned. He placed a pillow under my hips and grabbed the bag I'd brought with me to put a condom on.
"Can you.." I began but felt shy asking for what I wanted.
"Can I what?" he looked up.
My cheeks burned, "Can you...umm..."
"Han baby. I want to make you feel good. What do you want. Use your words."
I wanted to please him. I wanted to listen, so I asked, "Can you not wear one. I want to feel you finish."
He sucked in a breath. "You want to be filled by me?"
"Yes," I admitted.
"Okay, pretty boy. I can do that." He aligned his cock with my hole but didn't push in as he studied my expression.
"Use me," I begged. "Please." His tip teased me, and my hole puckered for him, desperate to have him inside.
"Look at you so needy for me. I love it," he confessed before pushing in.
He'd only inserted his tip but my eyes squeezed shut, and I panted in desperation. His lips found mine, and I accepted them but struggled to kiss him back from how overwhelmingly euphoric he felt. He pushed in deeper, and I gasped. Lee Know was wider than the toy and so much longer.
Before he'd bottomed out, he pulled back and moved in slowly again.
"You feel amazing, Han," he moaned.
I gripped his shoulders, and he pushed as far in as he could go until I was completely full of him. I writhed and whined at the feeling.
"You're so good at taking my cock, pretty boy," he praised and pulled out before snapping his hips forward.
"Oh fuck," I cried out.
He did it again just as harshly and I squealed in pleasure. He fit me just right. My ass was begging to be abused by him.
"Harder," I pleaded.
Lee Know looked surprised but listened. He pushed so roughly that I wondered if I'd be bruised...I kind of wanted to be.
He did it again and established a slow and aggressive rhythm. The knot was coming undone in my stomach, and I gripped his shoulders to ground myself, to hold off my approaching climax. It worked until his hand wound around my dick and began tugging on it.
"Lee Know!" I gasped and snapped my eyes to his.
"Mm, you like that?" he hummed.
"Lee Know," I cried out. "So close." We'd only just begun but he'd undone me so quickly.
"It's okay, baby," he cooed.
He pounded away at my ass but his hips began stuttering, and his dick twitched inside me. I was moments away from feeling him cum...from seeing his beautiful face when he finished.
His thumb circled my tip which made me squirm. My hips rocked into his hand synchronistically to his dick in my ass.
"I'm going to cum," I told him and my eyes punched shut.
"Make a mess for me, pretty boy," he groaned and pulled my dick even faster.
"Lee Know, ah!" I hissed as I saw the stars.
My dick spurt my release all across our chests, and Lee Know leaned forward whispering, "That's my Han," which had my head spinning. He kissed me while my cock continued to leak across my belly, and my mind went completely blank of anything but him.
His hand soon abandoned my cock to grip my waist so he could move into me more forcefully. In only a few more thrusts, his hips stuttered inside me and his jaw went slack in pleasure. He whimpered and squeezed his eyes shut and looked so beautiful that I whined. The feeling of him filling me was a high I'd chase again and again. It was warm and vibrated my insides. He rocked his hips lazily into me as he emptied himself.
I wrapped my legs around his waist to hold him closer. Lee Know's lips moved slowly on mine as we rode out our highs for as long as we could. We each hummed in content.
Eventually, though, he pulled away and looked down at me shaking his head with a smile.
"You're never fucking anyone else," he claimed. "You're mine."
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I knew I had to confront Lee Know today, and my chest ached with the news I had to give him.
"Just think about it," he hummed, eyes shining as he imagined the future we'd have together.
I intertwined my hand with his and kissed his shoulder. "I will," I promised.
We laid together in bed quietly after that, neither of us wanting to disturb the peaceful morning sun filtering through the window. We'd fallen asleep together for the first time and had woken up a bundle of entwined limbs.
We'd kissed. We'd had sex. And we'd felt feelings we shouldn't have...and I knew now what needed to be done.
"Han!" Lee Lnow flagged me down in the hall. We were meant to have dance practice later but I'd arrived early since I knew he'd be here.
"Can I have a minute?" I asked.
He nodded, looking a bit nervous, and said goodbye to the choreographer he was chatting with. I pulled him towards the recording studio and into the soundproof room where nobody would hear us.
"Han, what is it?" Lee Know asked, his voice shaky. I hated how devastating this would be for him. Hated to see him so upset already when I hadn't even given the news.
"I can't," I told him firmly.
"Why?" he asked, lip quivering though he managed to hold back tears.
"There are just so many factors, Lee Know. When you consider all the ways this could go wrong... I just think..."
"Don't think," Lee Know urged and reached for my hands desperately. "Just feel."
"Lee Know," I sighed, wishing it could be different. "If I could take out my brain and just have a heart, I would. Maybe then I could stop thinking about all the ways this could fuck it all up, but I can't. I think, Lee Know. I think, and I know we'll ruin it all by being together."
"I don't care," he shook his head and stepped closer, his voice firm but soft. "I don't care, Han. I just care about how it feels to hold you. I care about the way you look at me on days when you're mad, and I spend every hour wondering if it's my fault. Right now, I care so much about you that I can't let you put work above love and ..."
"Love?" I repeated in a whisper, afraid of the word and what it meant.
"That's what this is, isn't it?" Lee Know asked, his eyes searching mine, full of vulnerability.
My heart pounded in my chest, drawn to him, pleading with my brain for an answer. "So what if it is? We can't ask the others to sacrifice everything they've worked so hard for. Chan trained for years, Lee Know. Where will they be expected to go?" I reminded him.
"Forget about Chan for a second, Han," Lee Know pleaded, shaking his head slightly. "Forget about the fans and the group. Forget about fucking JYP and our contractual obligations. If all of that was gone..." he paused, searching my eyes for an answer before asking the question. "Would you want to be with me?"
"Lee Know," I sighed, my voice tinged with sadness as I gently cupped his cheeks. "It's not that simple, honey."
"It is," he assured me. "For me, it is that simple. I'm nothing without you," he insisted, his voice steady but laced with desperation.
"Lee Know, you're the most amazing person I've ever met. You're..."
"No, Han," he interrupted. "This isn't some self-deprecating speech. I know that I'm talented. I know I can dance well and that I have a good career. I know that I have a strong support system of friends and family. But without you... none of it matters. You make everything better."
"Lee Know..." I tried to speak, but my voice cracked, and I felt tears sting my eyes. I couldn't imagine a world where I could be an idol and be with him. JYP would never allow it.
"I love you, Han," he proclaimed confidently, his gaze unwavering. "I know what I want."
"I love you too," I finally admitted, watching a flicker of hope shine in his eyes, softening his features.
"I know," he smiled gently, his expression more serene now.
"But if we do this..."
"When we do this, everything will be okay. Chan supports us, and so do the others. Seungmin will come around eventually. Everything will be fine."
"How are you so certain?" I asked, my doubts lingering.
Lee Know took a deep breath, his eyes locked on mine, as if he couldn't believe I still hadn't seen it. "Whenever you're here... everything is good. I know we'll be okay as long as we're together."
I searched his expression for any uncertainty, but found none. "I didn't want to say no," I admitted as I grasped at his shirt, urging him closer.
"I know," he murmured and stepped forward until I was backed against the wall. "You just overthink. It's one of the many things I love about you."
"Really?" I asked in disbelief. I always found that habit annoying.
"Mhm," he hummed. "But when you're with me, you don't have to do that. You can let your brain be quiet for a while."
"God I'd love to do that," I sighed as I imagined it. Even an hour without wondering if every four-way stop would lead to a car accident or panicking that I'd accidentally forgotten to turn off my stove I never use would be nice.
"Then do it," he leaned in, brushing his lips against mine, but not making it a kiss yet.
"Make me," I smirked, daring him to continue.
"I will," he winked and fully pressed his lips to mine. He kissed me as desperately as I needed him to and I clawed at his shirt, seeking out the racing of his heart beneath the fabric.
"What if someone finds us?" I fretted.
Lee Know pulled away with a shake of his head. "Let me worry about that, pretty boy. You just kiss me back."
content warning: sex, main character death, cheating
Also on my Wattpad Linked HERE; Link to Part 2 HERE
Minors DNI π
In total the series is 48,744 words
LEE KNOW POV
Hyunjin waved at me from a quaint bistro table outside of the bustling coffee shop. His hair was lighter than I'd seen before and went well with his sun-kissed skin. He bounded towards me with a massive grin plastered on his face, and I braced myself as his arms wrapped around me, squeezing me into him. I hated hugs but knew he'd missed me on his trip, so I waited patiently for him to end it, wincing as I stared at our table behind him being taken by a couple.
"We just lost our table," I informed him.
He didn't seem to care. "I missed you! How was the city while I was gone?"
I didn't dare remind him he'd only been gone for three days which definitely wasn't long enough for anything major to have taken place. The last time I did that, he didn't talk to me for another three days straight so that I'd have double the amount of things to tell him about.
"The usual," I explained as I caught him up on the mundane happenings while we walked towards the coffee shop. My sink had broken, but was fixed. The landlord stole someone's pizza delivery again. Nothing new, same old gossip.
"And your date?" he asked, his voice a tad higher as he always tiptoed lightly around my dating life. My breakup last spring had been difficult, and he knew not to push me.
I shrugged, "He wasn't for me."
"Lee Know," Hyunjin groaned, clearly unsatisfied with my response. "Did you at least give him a chance?"
I thought back to the other night. We'd planned to go for ice cream and for a walk through the gardens. I entered the little ice cream shop and spotted him right away sitting all alone at the table waiting for me. His glasses were perched on his nose while he looked at his phone which he was holding with hands that were barely visible since his sweater's sleeves were so long.Β His legs were crossed and bounced nervously. He was cute. I'd joined him, and we ate our ice cream while talking about our days. It was the first time I'd actually made it to the table of a date in months, but the more I learned about him, the harder it was to avoid comparing him to Seungmin.
Seungmin had liked to tell stories while he ate, too, but he always was conscious of his body and how to best keep food from spilling. My date had been expressive, and he flung his arms around wildly as he spoke. I waited for the ice cream to fall from his spoon, and even though it never did, I decided I liked Seungmin's mannerisms better and excused myself before we made it to the gardens.
"I tried," I told Hyunjin, but it was obvious that he didn't believe me. I suppose I could've put more effort into not letting my previous relationship impact a potential new one, but things between Seungmin and I had been great before he decided to end it. To me, he'd been perfect, and it was hard to imagine myself with anyone else.
After more scolding about my lack of trying, we got in line for coffee. Hyunjin told me more about his trip to Fiji. Apparently, he'd met someone from the city while on a nature excursion there, and things had gone so well that they had a date planned for this evening.
"What are the chances I'd meet someone from the city in a whole other country?" he shouted excitedly as we neared the counter. It was our turn to order, and when the barista turned around, my heart stopped beating.
"Umm, hi," he mumbled. He wore the same glasses that he had on the other night and stood with his feet turned inward while he waited for us to order.
His face flushed a bright shade of pink, and he avoided eye contact with me. Hyunjin didn't seem to notice the awkwardness and ordered his drink right away. I asked for a mocha and a honey toast with my best poker face, and we stepped aside to wait for our things.
I watched as he fumbled with the cups, dropping one to the floor. He glanced over at me to see if I'd noticed, and I looked away, pretending that I hadn't been staring. When I turned back, I became enamored by his apron tied in a bow across his back. It really highlighted how small his waist was. It looked even smaller than Seungmin's, and I wished I'd taken the opportunity to look at him more the other night. I couldn't decide who was more attractive.
"Anyways," Hyunjin snapped at me to get my attention. "Lee Know, are you listening?"
"Sorry, what?" I turned back to him. I had been so distracted comparing Han and Seungmin that I'd missed everything he had said.
"I said he's really cute."
"Who? The barista?" I choked and turned back to him trying not to give myself away. "I guess so."
"The barista?" he scoffed. "No, the date I have this evening."
"Oh, right! Where are you two going?"
Hyunjin stared at me with a frustrated look, "I literally just told you."
I mumbled an apology, and he retold me their plans for dinner.
Han placed our drinks on the counter, and I passed Hyunjin his before taking my own. He walked away to make my honey toast and returned a short while later to hand it to me.
Han had drawn a heart with the honey, and he looked up at me and over to Hyunjin. "Enjoy your date," he muttered. He turned and walked to the back before I could correct him.
I stared at the door that swung back and forth in his absence. Hyunjin came up behind me and looked down at my snack, "I think he's hitting on you. He made you a heart."
"Definitely not," I grumbled and turned away. All of the tables were filled, so I stepped outside and began walking away from the coffee shop. Hyunjin followed.
"What's wrong? He was cute. You could ask for his number or something," Hyunjin encouraged me.
"I don't need it," I told him while biting into the toast.
"Are you getting shy on me?" he teased while sipping his latte.
"No, I just..."
"Because I could get his number for you," Hyunjin offered.
"I already have it," I confessed.
"Oh!" he exclaimed, clearly surprised. "You know him?"
"He was my date from the other night," I explained.
"Well, what was wrong with him? He's cute in a nerdy way and seems nice enough," Hyunjin argued.
"He was."
"Then what made you decide he wasn't for you? Did he try to sleep with you or something?" He knew that was a big ick of mine. Sleeping with people right away grossed me out and was never great. We hadn't had time to learn each other's favorite movies let alone what they like in bed.
"No," I sighed and turned to Hyunjin. He knew he was upsetting me, but he didn't seem to care. "He's just not Seungmin," I told him before walking at a faster pace back to our apartment. Hyunjin didn't say anything else to try to convince me to try things again with the barista boy. I was grateful because I already felt like crying.
I opened our garbage can and threw the rest of the toast in the trash. I flopped down on the bench near the window that overlooked the city and sipped on the rest of my coffee.
Eventually, Hyunjin joined me and pulled my legs across his lap so he could sit.
"Lee Know, you know I love you, right?"
"I know," I told him, continuing to look out the window at the people below us. They all had places to be...probably loved ones waiting for them. I had felt stuck in place ever since Seungmin ended things. I didn't know where to go from here.
"I just hate seeing you like this," he told me. "What happened to confident, silly Lee Know?"
"Seungmin broke up with him," I reminded him. "I was that way because being with Seungmin made me feel full."
"That's not true," Hyunjin argued. "I've known you for over a decade. You were confident and happy before him, and you can be confident and happy without him."
"We were together for three years Hyunjin," I explained. "Three years, and he broke up with me out of nowhere to start dating his trainer."
"I know Lee Know. I know it's hard," he comforted, patting my knees.
"Are they engaged yet?" I asked in a whisper, unsure of whether I wanted to know the answer. Seungmin and Hyunjin still kept in touch since we'd all been friends for so long. Seungmin had tried to stay friends with me, too, but it had been too hard.
"No, not yet."
I just nodded.
We sat there silently for a while until Hyunjin realized that he needed to get ready for his date. He flurried around the house excitedly and came to ask for my opinion on his outfit multiple times before settling on something totally different from my recommendations. His eyes shined as he kissed the top of my head goodbye before leaving.
I turned back to watch outside, and a short while later, he skipped down the sidewalk toward the restaurant leaving me all alone.
I was lying in bed when I heard the front door to our apartment open. Footsteps danced like whispers on the hardwood floor, and Hyunjin's giggles echoed in the apartment. I heard a deep voice ask which room was his, and then, I heard Hyunjin's door close. I could vaguely make out the mumblings of their conversation about his paintings.
I'd nearly fallen asleep when my door creaked open. I turned to find Hyunjin's undeniably handsome date with his locks of blonde hair framing his face perfectly. "I thought this was the bathroom," he told me.
"It's behind you," I informed him. He thanked me and turned around after closing my door with a soft click.
It reopened soon after, and Hyunjin stood in the doorway like a ball of energy. "Isn't he so hot!"
"Did you tell him my room was the bathroom on purpose?" I chuckled.
"Duh! I needed to brag about him," he grinned.
"And his voice is so deep," he gushed as he fell back against the doorframe dramatically.
"I'm glad you're happy," I told him sincerely. "But I want to sleep."
"Okay, okay. I'll tell you more in the morning," he winked and closed the door to head back towards his room.
The front door closing woke me up the next morning. My eyes fluttered open, and I cursed at how bright it was. I usually got up before the sun.
There was a light tap on my door, and I got up to let Hyunjin in. He looked giddy and eager to tell me about his evening.
"Go ahead," I encouraged him with a laugh even though I was still half asleep.
He described his dinner date turned photography session turned sleepover in great detail. Apparently, they both enjoyed both modeling and being behind the lens, so they spent the evening after dinner going around and taking pictures of each other. It then got late and Felix (finally, a name) asked to crash at Hyunjin's since his apartment was on the other side of the city. They stayed up the whole night talking.
"That's really great, Hyunjin. I'm so happy for you," I told him.
"And there's one more thing I didn't mention. Don't freak out, okay?" he began, and I felt my stomach knot at the tone in his voice. "We ran into Seungmin at dinner."
"Oh!" I hadn't expected that.
"He's hosting a couples' retreat and invited Felix and I as well as the rest of the guys," he explained.
I shifted uncomfortably on the bed unsure of what to say.
"He said he'd invite you but..."
"I'm still single," I finished for him.
"Yeah, so... and don't be mad, okay?" he asked of me again. I could feel my palms sweat. I stared at him, wondering what he had done.
"I told him you just started seeing someone so that you could come along."
"Hyunjin!"
"We leave in three days."
"Hyunjin," I groaned and fell back onto my bed.
"I know, I know. I'm sorry, but I didn't want him to think you hadn't moved on. It just slipped out."
"What am I supposed to do?" I glared at him.
"I mean I could tell him you're sick or something. Maybe I could say you had a work trip," he suggested.
"That would be too obvious," I complained. The only thing worse than being alone and hung up on Seungmin was being alone and hung up on Seungmin and him knowing about it.
"I'm sorry, Lee Know. I didn't mean to cause more problems. Jeongin just looked so chuffed at the idea of you not being able to go."
"It's fine," I mumbled. "I'll figure something out."
"Wait? You're going?" he seemed shocked.
"I mean, I have to. Don't I? Otherwise, I'll be the pitiful ex who can't move on."
"I'll ask Felix if he knows anybody!" Hyunjin offered, jumping into action.
"I'll stay here and contemplate why I'm friends with you," I joked.
"You know you love me," he reminded me. "And the trip is up to Provincetown for the week."
"That's so gay," I complained.
"Exactly," he winked and left the room before I could whine some more.
I had three days to find a date who would be willing to take an entire week off of work. Three days to find someone who I could stand to be around for that long. My mind immediately went to Seungmin. We'd taken several trips together and always enjoyed them. We were both quieter, but the silence had been comfortable.
"Come on!" Hyunjin urged me.
"Where?" I asked with an eyebrow raised.
"Out! You won't find a date in your room!"
I rolled my eyes but got dressed anyway. I knew he was right. He led me down to the city street and started pointing out anyone that he deemed both attractive and potentially not straight. It was a little problematic, but we only had 3 days.
He chose so many people, but I always found a reason not to approach them.
"They're not attractive to me."
"I don't like their shoes."
"Too tall."
"Too short."
Hyunjin was growing more and more impatient. He suggested we regroup and stop for a coffee, so I waited outside since I didn't want to have another run-in with Han in case he was working today.
"I just need another week, and then I'll have more than enough for rent," I heard from behind me. "Please. You know what I've been going through."
I turned to see Han heading towards the coffee shop. I turned and covered my face as best I could, so he wouldn't see me.
"Thank you so much. I promise I'll pay it by then." He sighed and cursed under his breath. He was close enough now that I could hear it despite how quiet it had been.
His footsteps grew nearer, and I heard the door
open. I assumed he'd walked inside, but I turned to see Hyunjin striding towards me and Han glaring at the two of us. He shook his head in annoyance before walking inside.
"What's his problem?" Hyunjin asked as we began heading back down the street.
"He thinks we're together," I told him.
"Ew," he grimaced.
"Hey!" I slapped his arm. "I'd be a great boyfriend."
"Not for me," he argued.
"Why not?" I didn't want to date Hyunjin either, but he didn't have to be so rude about it.
"You're a top. I'm a top. Unless you see that changing anytime soon..." he laughed.
"Okay, fair," I conceded. "But you didn't have to say 'ew'," I scolded him.
"You're right," he told me before adding, "Disgusting."
I rolled my eyes and continued walking.
"So what qualities did Seungmin have that made him so much better than everyone else you've tried to date?"
I mulled it over. What had been so great that I knew I'd never find it again?
"We had so much in common, I guess. We never argued and always got along. He was thoughtful and attractive, and I just liked being around him."
"I'm thoughtful and attractive, and you like being around me," he told me. "But we've never dated. So what made him dateable?"
I shrugged, "Sexual chemistry, I guess."
Hyunjin suddenly hopped in front of me and stood there. He put a hand on the back of my neck and leaned forward. "Do we have sexual chemistry?" he whispered. He looked between my eyes and lips, and I pushed him off.
"Absolutely not."
"Then let's find someone that gets your dick hard!"
"Very romantic sentiment," I rolled my eyes. "Right now, I just need someone willing to be my date. Sexual chemistry not required."
"Is there not a single person you're physically attracted to?"
I thought about Han's apron tied around his waist. It hadn't been visible on our date because of his oversized sweater.
"Nope," I coughed.
"You're lying," he called me out. "It's the barista, right?"
I stared at him with my mouth open.
"You're not slick, Lee Know," he laughed. "Why don't you just go ask him?"
"He thinks we're together," I reminded him.
"So? Tell him the truth."
"I can't just do that, Hyunjin. I walked out halfway through our date."
"Tell him he'll get a free trip out of it," he shrugs.
"Pay him to date me?"
"Why not? It's better than Seungmin finding out that we lied."
"You lied," I corrected him, but he had a point. There was nothing worse than that happening.
"I lied, and I'm bringing you down with me unless you find someone."
"Fine," I groaned.
Since Han already thought that I was dating Hyunjin, I made him go home so that I could speak to Han privately. I didn't want to bombard Han again with Hyunjin beside me. He'd sulked but eventually agreed to let me go see him on my own.
I walked into the coffee shop and glanced around trying to find him. He wasn't in the front where he had been last time.
I peeked into the back when someone walked through the doors and saw him at one of the tables frosting cupcakes for the display case. His cheeks were red, and he looked like he'd been crying.
It clearly wasn't a good time, so I turned to leave but made eye contact with him as I did so. He set his piping bag down and headed out from behind the counter right away. His eyes never left mine as he untied the apron from his waist and set it on a table near the door. He looked determined to say something to me, so I waited for him to do so.
"Hi," his voice chimed. I stared at him, confused since the opening line's simplicity contrasted with the harsh look on his face.
"Hi?" I replied.
He took a deep breath, "Is there a reason you keep bringing your boyfriend here to flaunt him in front of me? Did I do something wrong on our date?"
I was stunned. "No, no!" I told him immediately. I wouldn't have been so rude even if he'd done something wrong.
"Then why do you keep bringing him here? I have enough going on without some guy I went out with trying to make me feel bad."
I recalled his conversations about rent money that I had overheard. He did have a lot he was dealing with. "He's just my friend. We're roommates, not boyfriends."
"Oh..." he looked around awkwardly, clearly not expecting his accusation to be unfounded.
"Yeah," I mumbled.
"Sorry. I guess I've just...I've had a bad week..." he apologized. He reached to pick up his apron, but I stopped him.
"Umm, I accidentally overheard you on the phone when you were walking up earlier," I confessed.
He shifted his weight to his other leg, seemingly uncomfortable by my bringing it up. "It's none of your concern," he answered with a guarded tone.
A spark of an idea rushed into my head though, and I needed to see if he'd be willing to agree. "How much do you owe?"
"What?" his confusion was palpable.
"How much do you need?"
"That's a bit personal," he hesitated, reaching for his apron again.
"How much?" I pressed, determined to make this work.
He took a deep breath. "$3,500," he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper.
"How much would you make working here? Would it be enough?" I inquired, trying to gauge how desperate he was. Would he be desperate enough to help me?
He looked at me like I was crazy for asking such things, but answered anyway. "Maybe $900..." He looked embarrassed but that wasn't why I'd brought it up. I wasn't trying to shame his salary or work.
"I'll pay you $3,500 to be my date on a trip in a couple of days," I proposed, cutting straight to the point.
"W-what?" he stuttered as his eyes went wide.
"I'll pay you $3,500 and pay for you to join me on a trip for a week starting in a couple of days," I reiterated.
"Why?" he asked, his reluctance evident.
"My ex is going, and it's a couples' trip. I can't show up alone, and Hyunjin, my friend you'd seen me with, already has a date."
"Why me? Surely you know someone else," he argued.
"I don't," I confessed. "And you need the money, and I have it. It's a win-win."
"You have $3,500 extra dollars to just throw at me?"
"I've got more than that, but yes."
His jaw dropped in surprise. "Are you rich or something?"
"Sort of," I told him. Nobody would guess it based on how I looked, but I'd played the stock market game smartly and was a self-made millionaire. I lived with Hyunjin because I could sink into darker parts of myself when alone for too long, not because I needed to.
"So, what do you say?" I promoted, hoping he'd agree.
"I mean..." his voice trailed off as he considered it. "What would I have to do?" he asked, cautiously mulling over the terms.
"I'm not buying you for sex if that's what you're insinuating," I clarified.
He choked on his own tongue, clearly taken aback by my bluntness.
"That's not what I meant at all," he explained, his cheeks growing red. He looked cute when he was embarrassed.
"Oh, well, all you'd have to do is hold my hand and make it seem like we're dating. Be nice to me, that sort of thing."
"That's it?"
"That's it," I confirmed for him.
"You must really be hung up on your ex," he observed.
He was right, so I just shrugged. I didn't feel like getting into it.
"Okay, I'll do it," he confirmed.
"Hand me your phone," I requested and held my hand out.
I found his banking information and then pulled my phone out to initiate a $500 transfer to him. He stared at his account with wide eyes.
"What's this? A deposit?" he laughed.
"No, that's just for you to buy clothes for the trip. It's not part of the $3,500."
"What's wrong with my clothes?" he looked down at his oversized sweater.
"Nothing, but we're going to Provincetown."
"That's very gay," he smirked.
"I know," I chuckled as his response that mimicked mine from earlier.
"And a very well-off area. I don't know that I'd even know what to buy or where..." he trailed off.
"I'll go shopping with you," I interjected. "I'll pick you up tomorrow morning. Just text me your address."
"Okay."
"Okay," I echoed, feeling relieved.
With that, I left him in the coffee shop and headed home to tell Hyunjin that I had a date. A very expensive date, but a date nonetheless.
He, of course, wanted all of the details about how I'd asked him and what had made him agree. I didn't want to give away Han's financial situation or let Hyunjin know just how much I'd been willing to spend just so Seungmin wouldn't know that I was single. I told him I had offered to pay for the trip and that was all it had taken to make him willing to come.
"Who knows," Hyunjin began once I'd finished describing the half-truth version of the encounter, "Maybe you'll actually decide that you like him."
"Maybe," I gave him a wry smile.
In the brief time I'd spent with Han, I at least knew he'd be bearable to be around, and that was enough for me.
HAN POV
As I awaited Lee Know's arrival, the nerves set in. Had I really accepted an offer to allow a man who abandoned me mid-date to whisk me away for an extraordinary amount of money? It felt surreal. It was one stumble into his arms away from feeling like a scripted movie scene.
But I needed the money. The uncomfortable truth was that I was one late payment away from being evicted. I'd already sold my gaming consoles and it still hadn't been enough to dig me out of this hole.
My phone dinged, and I already knew who it was before I even read the screen. Lee Know was on his way over to pick me up. My stomach was in knots, and I felt anxious. I'd basically allowed him to buy me for the time being. Even though he made it clear it wasn't for sex, I still felt a little dirty about it.
He'd also made it clear that he didn't like my sweaters. I wanted to be good for him, so I dressed in a white t-shirt and blue checkered jacket today. Maybe he'd like this look more. I guess it really didn't matter, but if he was buying my time, I wanted to make myself worthy of the price he was paying. I also found him extremely attractive despite the fact that I knew he didn't view me that way, so I wanted to look my best in the hopes I could change his mind.
I heard a knock at my door and jumped to open it. Lee Know was standing there in a sweater vest with cute teddy bears on them. He smiled politely at me and then his gaze moved beyond me to my apartment. I was glad I'd cleaned up a bit in case I decided to invite him in.
"Are your roommates not home?" he asked, noticing how quiet it was.
"I don't have any," I told him, "My roommates started dating a got a place of their own."
It had been pretty sad actually. We'd all been really close, but they stopped talking to me as much once they got together. Maybe I'd grown too depressing to be around, but they'd moved out and left me in an apartment that I couldn't afford. I struggled to find new people to live with, so the burden of rent was mine alone to bear.
"Can I see your place?"Β he asked. He seemed to lack understanding of normal social standards because he always crossed lines. Asking how much I owed, my salary, and now inviting himself inside...
"Maybe later, it's a mess right now," I offered. Pushing myself out the door and closing it behind me. He didn't step back, and I could feel his chest against my back as I locked the door. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as I fumbled with my key trying to get it in the lock properly.
"Here, allow me," he offered in a low voice. I could feel the words on my neck and shivered. His arm reached around me, his hand brushing mine, and he plucked the key from my shaky fingers.
He placed the key in the lock perfectly and turned it. I held my palm open for him, and he set the key back in my hand. "Let's go."
I felt breathless as we made our way down the stairs. I was attracted to him from the moment I first saw him on the dating app, but this was a dangerous game for me to play with myself. He was hung up on his ex. He walked out on our date because he didn't enjoy time with me. Getting attached would only leave me open to getting hurt.
Then again, he wanted me to pretend to date him. Why shouldn't I flirt and act the way a boyfriend would? It's literally what he's paying me for. I reached out and took his hand as we stepped outside. He turned back to look at me with a confused look but didn't pull away.
"If I have to hold your hand, we might as well get used to it," I offered as an explanation.
He said nothing and took a few more steps towards the motorcycle on the street. My heart was racing. I'd never been on one before since I'd heard so many horror stories about them.
"Is this yours?" I prayed it wasn't, and hoped he had a driver doing a loop around the block.
"It is," he grinned devilishly. He was so unbelievably handsome.
"I'm...I'm scared of them," I confessed.
"I'll go slow," he promised. He grabbed a helmet and put it on my head, tightening the straps before clicking them together.
He straddled the seat and patted the spot behind him for me to join him.
"What about your helmet?" I asked.
"We're not going far. Get on," he demanded. His voice begged me to listen, so I did.
"Hold on tight," he ordered me, and I wrapped my arms around his torso. I could feel his abs under his layers of clothes.
The engine roared in my ears when he took off some the street. I kept my head down and against his back, too scared to peak.
He leaned from side to side to make turns, and I moved slightly with his body when he did so. I hoped that was what I was supposed to do. He didn't correct me. He drove between two cars and I could hear one honk at us. It made me jump, and he laughed at my reaction.
Soon, we were pulling into a garage, and he walked the bike to a stop. He got off first before helping me and undoing my helmet. Removing my helmet was sort of like undressing me, and his head was right next to mine. It took all of my self-control to not lean forward to kiss him, especially when he looked down at me with his windblown hair and cheeks pink from the wind.
"Time to shop," he guided me away from the bike, and my stomach did a flip when he initiated holding my hand.
We went into store after store with him selecting items for me to try on and deciding what was worth getting. I felt like his doll, which should make me feel used or objectified, but I liked it. I liked handing over the control to him, and I wasn't sure what that said about me.
"How are we going to get all of this back to my house on your bike?" I asked, lugging a couple of bags that he only allowed me to carry once he couldn't possibly hold any more.
"We're taking my car home," he said, nonchalantly as though everyone in the city had both a car and a motorcycle and an endless supply of money.
"Is there anything else you wanted for me?" I asked. I made my eyes wider and bit my lip, trying to look cute for him, but he didn't notice.
"Yes, we need white linen pants and a white linen top for a white party being hosted," he told me, looking at a map of the shops.
"I thought the white party was a thing in the Hamptons?"
"It is, but they're having one, too. Ah!" he pointed at a store name and began leading me in that direction. We went into Brunello Cucinelli, and I raised an eyebrow at him.
"What's this place?" I whispered to him. I didn't want to seem uncultured, but I'd literally never heard of this brand.
He smirked and went to a salesperson who assisted him in pulling linen pieces for me to try on. He took a seat in a chair outside of the dressing room, and I placed my bags down beside him. He turned to watch the woman carrying the items towards us, but his jaw clenched.
I followed his gaze toward a taller and thinner guy about our age. He was also speaking to someone and was also eyeing white linen.
"Is that...?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied in a deep voice.
His ex noticed us and eyed me suspiciously as he made his way over.
"Seungmin," Lee Know welcomed and the two shook hands politely but awkwardly.
"Lee Know," he mimicked. "And who's this?"
"This is my boyfriend," Lee Know introduced.
"Hi, I'm Han," I shook his hand and noticed the way his eyes narrowed at us. This was my first chance to prove myself, and I wanted Lee Know to be proud.
Once I let go of Seungmin's hand, I placed it on Lee Know's shoulder and leaned into him. "I was looking forward to meeting you. Thank you so much for inviting us," I smiled at him. Lee Know seemed to catch on to my performance, and I felt his arm wrap around my side, and his hand fell to my waist.
"Likewise," Seungmin told me, still taking me in and observing every detail about me.
"Well we just stopped in to get Han something or the white party, so we'll be going no," Lee Know excused us, and we grabbed as many of the bags as we could carry before he took my hand to lead me away. We passed the sales lady on the way out with our clothes to try on in tow.
"We'll take it all," Lee Know told her hurriedly, obviously wanting to get away from Seungmin. I watched as she rang up $2,000 worth of items and Lee Know swiped his card without even batting an eye.
I went back to retrieve the bag we hadn't grabbed while she wrapped our things and overheard Seungmin, "I guess he wasn't lying. He looked poor, though. I hope he isn't a gold digger." The thought of being perceived that way made me feel sick. "Maybe we'll test him in P-town. Leave a $20 bill on the table for him," he snorted. "I'd bet he'd even steal a $5," he laughed louder.
Angry now and slightly ashamed, I grabbed the bag and walked back to Lee Know. He took it from me and furrowed his brows at my expression, but said nothing.
We walked out of the store and his car was already waiting for us. I wondered if he'd called them when I stepped away or if they'd been waiting the whole time.
"You didn't have to buy me all of it," I mumbled once we were in the vehicle.
"I just wanted to leave," he explained. "We can always return what you don't like."
I didn't know how to feel about that. On one hand, I needed the money from him to pay my rent, but on the other hand, I didn't want to be called a gold digger. He'd approached me. I didn't seek out some rich guy to pay for things for me.
"Shit," he cursed under his breath.
"What?" I asked.
"Luggage," he pulled out his phone and began clicking away.
"I have a suitcase," I told him. I may be broke but I've been out of town before.
"Not the kind they'll expect someone to have that's dating me," he told me. "Hello," he said into his phone. "Yes, can you bring down my Aston Martin Globe Trotter?"
I recognized that brand. I knew that suitcase was worth more than my life.
"That's too much," I whispered, but he didn't understand me.
"What?" he asked, his hand over the speaker.
"That's too nice," I repeated. "I'll break it."
He rolled his eyes, "Actually just bring down a couple of my Gucci ones."
I went to argue again, but he held up his hand and hung up the phone. The driver must have overheard our conversation because he began redirecting us to where I assumed Lee Know must live.
"Gucci is still too nice," I mumbled.
"After the way you already helped me today, nothing is too nice," he complimented. My heart fluttered.
Lee Know refused to let me do a thing when we packed the next morning. He chose the items and folded them himself into the ridiculously overpriced bag. He put my shoes in the duffel and had a smaller bag for my toiletries that we placed inside as well. It was very over the top, and he had control over every little detail. I wondered if he had this much control over every aspect of his life or if it was unique to me since I'd been bought for the week.
He'd told me what to wear before dropping me off last night, so I had on a cream, knit button-up sweater that was far more elaborate and expensive than half of my closet combined. He'd complimented the way it looked on me when he first got here and my face had turned a bright shade of pink.
"We'll be driving up with Hyunjin and Felix so once we're done here, we'll stop by my place to pick them up."
"Okay," I acknowledged as I packed my toothbrush and various headache and anxiety medicines as well as my cologne into the toiletry bag. When I brought it back to Lee Know, I knew he could hear the pills, but he didn't ask me about them.
"Is that everything?" he asked.
I nodded and he closed the duffel bag and set it on top of the suitcase. "Let's head to my place then."
I agreed, and we left behind my apartment. I was able to lock the door myself this time since Lee Know started on the stairs carrying my bags. I craved the feeling of his chest against my back, though, and I wondered if I would get the chance to feel that again.
He was already closing the trunk of the SUV when I made it outside. He opened the door for me to sit in the passenger seat beside him since he hadn't brought a driver this time.
"Hyunjin's really excited to meet you," Lee Know told me. "Felix, too."
I was nervous that I'd make a bad impression on them like I had with Seungmin. I hadn't told Lee Know what I'd overheard him say, but it chanted in my mind at the thought of meeting more of his friends.
"And Chan and Changbin will be at the house with their girlfriends, too. And of course Seungmin and Jeongin," he continued.
I didn't answer him as I stared straight ahead trying to figure out the best way to introduce myself. Were they the type of rich people to kiss on the cheek? Seungmin had done a handshake, maybe I should do that?
"Hey, Han, are you okay?" Lee Know fretted as he pulled to a stop outside of a building that I assumed was his apartment.
I turned to him and could tell how worried he was...for me. Maybe I could make him like me. "I'm just nervous," I fidgeted with the seatbelt on my waist, and he looked down to watch my fingers play with the fabric.
"You weren't nervous when you first met me," he reminded me.
"I was nervous before I met you. But then I felt comfortable enough to be myself," I explained.
He looked at me like I'd just given him the best compliment. "Really?"
"Yeah, of course," I confessed. "It hurt my feelings when you left because I thought maybe I'd been too much myself."
Lee Know looked so sad at the words as they left my mouth. Each one was like a slap across his face. "I'm sorry I made you feel that way. My leaving had nothing to do with you."
"I know that now."
Hyunjin knocked on the window, scaring the shit out of Lee Know who jumped so high he hit his head on the ceiling of the car. He rolled the windows down with a frustrated glare.
"Can you unlock the trunk?" Hyunjin asked.
"How'd you even know we were here?" he complained as he unlocked it.
"I have your location, duh!" he laughed as he went to help Felix with the bags.
"I never gave you my location," Lee Know shouted.
"You fell asleep on the sofa with your birthday as your password and expected me not to go through your phone?"
Lee Know shook his head, astonished at his friend. "What else did you do?" He pulled his phone out to go through it.
"Remember that night we went out for dinner, and I lost the coin toss so you made me pay for it?"
"Yea..."
"You paid me back," he began.
"Hyunjin," he rolled his eyes.
"And you felt so bad for taking advantage of your best friend that you paid for his meal as well."
Instead of being angry, Lee Know just laughed and got his phone ready for navigation.
Hyunjin and Felix got into the car and got settled, but I soon felt an arm wrap around my seat nearly choking me. "Hi, Han. I'm Hyunjin," he greeted and Lee Know laughed. I turned to offer my hand to Felix and he shook it with a grin. "I'm Felix."
"Han," I smiled.
"Let's go!" Hyunjin announced, slapping the back of Lee Know's chair as if he were a horse and his hand the whip.
His friends seemed much kinder than his ex and the ride was really enjoyable. Hyunjin wanted to know a lot about me, so I answered his questions as much as I could until Lee Know scolded him for being so nosy. He'd sunk back and started up a conversation with Felix instead.
"Sorry about that," Lee Know whispered.
"It's okay," I told him. "Your friends are really great people."
He smiled proudly at that and continued driving.
"Can we stop for lunch soon?" Hyunjin begged. "I'm starving."
"Yeah, but just something quick."
Lee Know pulled into a McDonald's, and we all ordered. I pulled out my wallet and Lee Know waved it away. "I've got it."
Seungmin's words echoed in my ears.
"I don't need you to pay for everything," I told him in a quiet voice.
"It's a trip you're going on as a favor to me. I'd feel bad if I didn't pay," he explained and handed the cashier his card to pay for everyone's.
I wondered if Hyunjin knew how much Lee Know was paying me to be here. I wondered what he'd think.
Lee Know passed out the food to everyone and began driving again. We'd all nearly finished our food when I noticed that Lee Know had barely touched his. I figured it was because he was driving, so I took a fry from his bag and offered it to him, leaning over the console so that he could reach it.
He smirked and accepted it. I did the same with a chicken nugget, and he bit into it with a pleased look on his face. We continued this until every bit of his food was gone.
"That was pornographic," Hyunjin teased us. My face turned red as I moved to sit back down in my seat.
"Why don't you feed me like that?" Felix complained.
"I fed you pretty well last night," Hyunjin told him with a wink. His face turned red, and his jaw dropped. Lee Know and I shared a quick look of surprise at his friend's boldness.
We finally pulled into the house. It was a charming beachfront property with traditional Cape Cod architecture. The classic shingles, white clapboard siding, and large windows to capture the ocean views were synonymous with what I'd expected. I hadn't been prepared for the size of the house though. There were 5 bedrooms (one for each couple) which was more than every other house in the area that looked to be about half that. I realized this meant I'd be sharing with Lee Know the entire time. I had suspected that to be the case but I felt a tinge of anxiety around sharing a bed with him.
We unloaded our car and were greeted by Chan and his girlfriend Dylan when we walked into the house. He hugged everyone and she smiled sweetly and shyly behind him.
He showed us to the rooms they'd prepared for each of us. Seungmin and Jeongin and Changbin and his girlfriend had just stepped away for lunch so at least we had a moment to settle in before my purpose for being here was really tested.
I decided to get ahead of the stresses, though, and once I finished emptying my toiletry bag, I popped open my anxiety medication and swallowed one of the pills. I set the bag down on my nightstand, and Lee Know cocked an eyebrow.
"You okay?" he asked.
I nodded, "It's for anxiety."
"Shit," he worried, "Is being here going to make you panicky? Shit, I should've asked."
"No, I'm fine," I assured him. "I take them every day. I just delayed taking this one until now since I figured the drive wouldn't be so bad."
Lee Know visibly relaxed and finished unpacking our things, refusing to let me help.
I went over to our window and opened it to let the breeze in. When I did, I saw Seungmin striding towards the house with the others.
"They're back," I warned Lee Know.
"Here we go," he gave me a small smile and held out his hand for me.
I took it, and we made our way downstairs.
LEE KNOW POV
I took Han's hand and led him downstairs. The steps creaked, announcing our descent to the group.
I could see Seungmin hanging on to Jeongin's shoulder as we rounded the final step into the room. As we paused in the archway, Han stood by my side. We took notice of everyone examining us. Han's free hand wrapped comfortably around my arm, and he nestled against my shoulder like they'd expect an adorable boyfriend to act.
With a warm smile, Han addressed the room. "Hi, it's so nice to meet all of you. I'm Lee Know's boyfriend, Han."
Chan stepped forward first and held out his hand. Han shook it and played the part perfectly while each of my friends introduced themselves to him.
"How did you two meet?" Changbin asked.
"Why don't you tell them, babe," Han encouraged me.
We hadn't spoken about what story we'd give my friends, so I opted for a partial truth. "We matched on a dating app and decided to have a date in this little ice cream shop," I explained, highlighting Han's endearing qualities like his fondness for oversized sweaters and his nervousness around new people, the last of which I hoped would give him an out if anything awkward happened while he was faking any stories.
"Well you two look happy," Chan remarked.
"Hell yeah, they're happy," Hyunjin corroborated. "Look how cute he is!" He came forward and pinched one of Han's cheeks. His face turned a bright red.
I watched Seungmin who observed everyone quietly as they got to know Han. Felix also introduced himself and the group seemed to like both of them. Han spoke expressively with Felix and Chan but continued to keep himself tethered to my hand.
I couldn't help but eye Seungmin every now and then. He leaned back against a desk in the room and bit his lip. His waist was exposed, and I wanted to snatch him and carry him upstairs to have my way with him. My eyes flicked up to his where he was smirking knowingly at me.
Flustered, I turned my attention to Han who was still deep in his conversation with Felix and Chan. I let go of his hand, and he turned around right away to see where I was headed, but I moved to stand behind him instead and wrapped my arms around his waist. His hands came to sit on mine, and I leaned forward to kiss his cheek.
I checked in on Seungmin's reaction, and he had his brows furrowed. Making him jealous was working already.
I turned towards Han's ear and whispered, "Let's go back upstairs."
"Now?" he asked, clearly too invested in his conversation.
"Yes."
Han said his goodbyes as instructed, and we excused ourselves. My hope was that Seungmin would follow us. Halfway up the stairs, I pinned Han against the wall. His eyes drew up from my chest to my lips and finally to my eyes. He wanted it. I felt bad about that because I was just using him.
His hands rested on my chest, and I struggled with what to do next.
"Please," Han begged, his voice whiny. It surprised me. He knew this was fake. Maybe he was just a good actor. "Kiss me."
"You want me to kiss you?" I teased him.
"Yes," he sighed prettily below me. His hands moved to the back of my neck, and he tried to bring me closer.
"You know I'm just using you to make him jealous," I reminded him.
His eyes flickered to mine showcasing hints of sadness. "I don't care." His body arched into mine, and he pleaded again, "Kiss me."
I brought my lips close to his and held them there for a moment. It felt wrong to abuse whatever feelings he had for me even if I was paying him. I just needed people to think we were dating, I didn't need to confuse him.
I kissed his cheek instead and heard footsteps on the steps behind us.
"At least make it to your room before you start all of that," Seungmin huffed as he walked by us to head up the stairs.
I watched after him with Han still against the wall underneath me. His hands had moved to the loops of my jeans, and he held my waist against him.
"It's working," he mumbled. I glanced at him with my jaw dropped.
"That was fake?" I questioned.
"You wanted me to help make him jealous," he reminded me. "I'm doing that."
Han started towards our room, and I trailed behind him. His desperation hadn't felt fake. Was he lying?
Once in our room, I closed the door to talk to him about it. "That wasn't real?" I asked again.
"Did it feel real?" he ping-ponged the question back to me.
"Yes," I told him. For a moment, I considered it, kissing him, holding him, having his body writhe against mine...
"If it felt real, then Seungmin will believe it is," he told me. He threw off the shirt I'd asked him to wear and found a huge sweater he'd snuck in his bag somehow even though I'd literally packed for him to avoid such items being brought. "That's what you want, right? You want Seungmin?"
I nodded. Seungmin had been my everything. That hadn't changed.
"Then it has to look and feel real."
Han threw the sweater over his head and knelt in front of me on the bed.
"Come here," he ordered me. I listened.
His arms wrapped around my neck again. The adorable blush of his cheeks looked so inviting. My hands found his waist almost as though it were second nature. His waist felt different than Seungmin's. It was smaller and harder with more muscle definition in his abs and lower back.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked.
"Seungmin's waist," I admitted.
"What about it?"
Talking to Han in this position felt surprisingly comfortable. "How yours is smaller."
A smile played on his lips. "Do you like that?"
"I don't know," I replied. I didn't know whose waist I liked better. Seungmin's felt familiar to me. When I'd hold him, he'd drop forward into me, submitting himself. Han was holding his own right now.
"Lee Know?" Han whispered. His tone shifted to the same neediness I'd heard on the staircase. When my eyes met his, I could feel his desire burning into me.
"Yes?"
"Kiss me," he begged again. I decided I'd do it this time. I stepped forward so that our bodies were completely against each other. Han closed his eyes and waited patiently for me. He looked so cute, and I could feel his sweater paws on my neck, his fingers urging me forward.
"I'm just using you to get Seungmin back," I warned him again.
"Use me," he whined.
The words made me unravel, and I leaned forward pressing my lips against his. The moment I did, Han moaned and pulled me closer. My hands moved to his back to hold him against my chest.
His lips were soft and eager. His body, in contrast, was cautious. So was mine. I knew he was developing some sort of feelings for me based on how he was acting, but I couldn't help myself.
Seungmin's kisses were always slow and romantic, but Han's were born of passion and fire.
"Wait," I pulled away.
Han stared at me, breathless. His hands tugged mine to come back to him.
"Why'd you stop?" he complained.
"I don't want to confuse you."
Han reassured me, "I'm not confused."
But I could see that wasn't true. His lips were red and swollen. There was an obvious bulge in his pants.
"Let's get ready for dinner, yeah?" I let go of him and went to wash my hands.
Looking in the mirror, I tried to recognize myself, but couldn't. Was I the type of person that could manipulate an ex into being jealous? Was I the type of person that would ever feel love again? I didn't know. But I did know that my face flushed from kissing Han, and that confused me.
HAN POV
We joined everyone for a meal that Felix had made. The food was absolutely delicious. All I could think about, though, was Lee Know's kiss. The way his hands felt on my waist...the way he had squeezed me closer to him with his hands pressed on my back...the way his lips fit mine. I knew he didn't feel anything towards me, but I didn't care. He was so hot, and it felt so good. I'd been so disappointed when he ended it.
It had been a while since I'd been with anyone, and I'd misunderstood just how much I craved that sort of intimacy and attention, even if it was fake.
I sat between Lee Know and Felix at dinner. I spoke with Felix about how he'd met Hyunjin in Fiji. I listened as best I could, but I was very distracted by Lee Know's leg bouncing anxiously beside mine. I rested my knee against his thigh which calmed him down right away, and I then became distracted by the warmth radiating off of him.
Seungmin sat across from Lee Know, and I found myself growing jealous whenever they made comments only they understood or made eye contact for too long. I wondered what made Seungmin so special to him.
He was handsome enough. He walked the line between being introverted and extroverted. His feet were bigger than mine...
He got up to excuse himself and Jeongin went with him. I could tell it upset Lee Know to see them leave together, and I put my hand on his for comfort.
I gave him a small smile, and he turned to talk to Changbin beside him. I couldn't help myself, though. I stroked my thumb up and down the back of his hand. I pretended to be engaged in my conversation with Felix, but it felt so far away. There was so much more for me to be focused on.
When Seungmin and Jeongin rejoined us, they smirked at me. I recalled the phone call I'd overheard and knew how to make myself worthy of Lee Know in their eyes.
"I'll be right back," I told Felix, interrupting the talks of his and Hyunjin's first date stateside. I let go of Lee Know's hand and walked into the hallway. As I had suspected, there was a $20 bill sitting on the entryway table. I took a moment before returning to the dining room, so they'd think I'd gone to the bathroom.
I grabbed the bill and headed back in, determined to prove them wrong about me. "I think one of you left this in the hall," I told them, setting it on the table.
Jeongin seemed surprised, but Seungmin narrowed his eyes at me. He wanted to toy with me, and I was sure this wouldn't be his last attempt to invalidate me as a good person. I'd been through worse, though, and welcomed the challenge. I could be just as competitive.
Nobody but us two seemed to realize the nature of the exchange, and as I sat back down, I kissed Lee Know's cheek. He seemed surprised but said nothing.
I knew Seungmin didn't want him anymore, but he didn't want me to have him either. I could tell. He'd do whatever it took to break us apart, and I'd make sure it didn't happen. I also knew Lee Know saw this as a fake week-long relationship, but I believed I could convince him to like me for real if given the chance. I wasn't going to let Seungmin ruin that.
"So Han," Seungmin began, eyes shining and indicative of his sinister motivation.
I turned to him, and Lee Know sat up straighter, worried about what was about to take place.
"I hope it's not awkward that Lee Know invited you on this trip. We used to date, you know," he sneered.
"Oh, I know. He told me everything." Seungmin seemed surprised by that. "I don't feel awkward, though. Do you feel awkward?"
Seungmin pursed his lips and shook his head.
"What about your boyfriend? Jeongin, do you feel awkward?"
Seungmin did not look pleased that I had invited Jeongin into his game. He looked between the three of us: me and Seungmin and Lee Know. "Maybe a little," he confessed.
Seungmin was taken aback. I'd count this as a victory for Team Han. "I thought you said it was okay if he came?" Seungmin whispered to Jeongin, but still loudly enough that I could hear.
"It is. It's just...you two dated for a while. Naturally, I feel a little uneasy about it, especially with how you two act."
"How do we act?" This piqued Lee Know's interest.
"Yea like the inside jokes and stuff," Jeongin mumbled.
"Awe, Innie, we're not dating, okay? I'm with you. We're just friends now," Seungmin soothed him with a kiss.
Watching the interaction changed Lee Know's mood completely. He sat back in his chair and barely engaged in any conversations for the rest of the meal. Eventually, Chan and Dylan excused themselves to go to bed, permitting everyone else to leave the table, too.
Changbin and Sana offered to clean up so the rest of us dispersed. Some went for walks along the beach, others prepared for clubbing. Lee Know trodded up the steps, and I followed.
"You don't have to stay here. You can go out with Felix if you want to," he offered.
"I'm actually a bit tired," I told him.
"Okay," he said.
"Okay," I repeated.
I pulled off my sweater once in our room and set it in the chair beside my nightstand. I was sure I'd use it again at some point since it was more comfortable than most of the expensive things Lee Know had purchased for me.
I dug around and found a pair of pajama pants and a matching shirt. Lee Know had said they'd be dressed well even at bedtime, so he'd required me to pick out a few things.
I put the shirt on and brought a new pair of briefs and pants to the bathroom to change into them. As I was brushing my teeth, Lee Know knocked on the door. I let him inside, and he did his skincare beside me.
It felt very domestic.
"Seungmin seems like kind of a dick," I tried to lighten the mood.
"You just don't know him," Lee Know shut me down completely, defending his ex.
I didn't push him further. He was clearly upset, and I wanted him to confide in me, but I was his fake boyfriend. Nothing more.
I sauntered off towards our bed and climbed under the comforter. Lee Know soon joined and clicked the lights off on his way over.
"You did good today," he complimented me.
"Thanks," I muttered. Unsure of how to feel about being good at being a fake boyfriend, especially when I wanted to be a real one.
"Goodnight," he said as he rolled to face away from me.
I ached to nestle into his side and cuddle against him, but I fought that urge. That was for real boyfriends. I was just being used.
When I woke up, Lee Know was already in the shower. I was grateful because I had a splitting headache and needed the time to take medicine and relax. I even put on my eye mask, so I could get relief more quickly as the dark always helped me.
Today, we were going to a drag brunch and then on a boat to watch whales. I'm not sure who made this itinerary, but it was all over the place.
I decided to wear a fitted sweater that Lee Know had gotten me since it would be quite cold on the water. When he'd bought this for me, I was a little surprised since he seemed to hate my other ones so much...maybe he just hated loose ones, though.
I heard the water turn off, and I squinted in the light as I pulled the eye mask away. Lee Know stepped into the room in just a towel, and I couldn't help but stare. He looked inhuman. His statuesque-like sculpted abs, his messy hair coated in water droplets, his broad shoulders...everything about him was perfect. He smirked at me, and I shamelessly continued to watch him. I wondered what it would be like to get tossed around by his strong arms. His massive hands had felt so warm on my back yesterday, and his chest against mine as he squeezed me to him...
God, I wanted him.
"Didn't you want to take a shower before we left?" he asked, pulling me out of my trance.
I nodded in response, watching as he sifted through the drawers to find what he wanted to wear.
"Well I'm done in there," he told me. "You can go ahead."
I turned my attention to the open bathroom door and stood up. My headache was still present and made me a little dizzy causing me to nearly trip. I caught myself on the dresser.
"I'm okay," I informed him, noticing the concerned expression on his face.
I made it to the shower and found myself unable to think about anything other than Lee Know. I soaped up my chest and body and my hand subconsciously wound itself around my dick. I closed my eyes and put a hand on the wall as I pulled on my erect cock.
"Shit," I cursed under my breath. Images of Lee Know's bare torso flooded my brain. Reliving our kiss yesterday sent me over the edge and cum spurt into the shower. I gasped and caught my breath.
I'd nearly finished showering when Lee Know tapped on the door, "You almost done?"
"Yep!" I answered in a pathetically high voice. I shut the water off right away and wrapped a towel around my lower half.
I walked into the room and was disappointed that Lee Know didn't even look up. He was staring at something on his phone.
Annoyed and deprived of the attention I craved, I walked over to my suitcase, pulled out my briefs, and dropped my towel to the ground.
His head popped up in surprise, and his eyes scanned down my naked body, stopping on my dick that I'd just yanked to thoughts of him.
My heart raced, and I waited for him to make a move while holding the briefs I planned to wear today loosely at my side. His eyes came back up to mine, and he stood from where he'd been seated on the bed.
He took several steps closer to me, and I watched as he bit his lip while hungrily observing every inch of exposed flesh. He was so close and towered over me. I lifted my head to maintain contact with him. My breathing hastened. His finger reached forward and touched my chin lightly, pulling my head up to angle towards him.
"Are we feeling a little slutty today?" he asked.
My brain went foggy, and I forgot how to speak. I glanced between his lips and eyes, unable to decide which I liked best.
I could hear the sounds of the others going up and down the stairs as they prepared to leave.
"Be a good boy and get dressed. We have to leave soon," he demanded, stepping away from me.
I couldn't take it though. I grasped his wrist and pulled him closer.
"What is it baby?" he growled. His eyes were lustful and dark. It didn't matter to me if he had real feelings for me because I could see on his face that right now, in this moment, he wanted me, too.
"Kiss me," I begged.
"My baby wants a kiss?" he teased me. He stepped forward and backed me against the wall.
"Yes," I confirmed. I wanted more, but I would take even a graze against my hand if it meant holding his attention.
He leaned forward. I awaited his lips on mine, starving for his touch. I could feel his breath against my lips and knew that I'd soon have the relief I craved.
But the door flew open. He quickly moved to block my nude body from view of whoever had interrupted us. I remained against the wall, fixated on the way the veins in his arms protruded.
"Sorry," Felix covered his eyes. "Just wanted to let you know that we're leaving in five."
"We'll be down soon," Lee Know told him, and Felix closed the door to head back downstairs.
He pulled away, and the tension in the air evaporated. "Get dressed," he ordered with a cough and headed downstairs. I stood naked and unfulfilled as I listened to his steps as they descended the staircase.
I put on the outfit I'd chosen this morning and grabbed my medicine from the bag on my nightstand to take with me since my headache hadn't subsided.
Dizzy from the pounding against my skull and our lust-filled morning, I went slowly down the stairs. Lee Know turned to me and held out his hand once I was close enough.
I accepted it, eager to feel him in any way that I could.
"You look good," he complimented me. My face flushed, and I turned away from him shyly.
We began the walk down to brunch together as a group, and I noticed that Lee Know spent more time glancing at me than Seungmin today. We also hung back and walked slower than everyone else, enjoying the time together. I became hopeful that there was a possibility that he was attracted to me.
I turned to look at him. The sun shined and highlighted his face in all the right places. His cheeks were slightly red, his lips a soft pink...so kissable. He smiled when he noticed me watching, his eyes shining from the sun.
While gazing at him, I missed a pothole in the road and nearly fell. I held my hand out in front of me, ready to catch my fall, but Lee Know caught me and pulled me into his chest.
"Thanks," I said breathlessly.
"You're welcome," he replied. He kissed the top of my head and continued walking with the rest of the group. I wondered what had made him kiss me. Was it instinct or lust or was he just happy that I hadn't gotten hurt?
A few minutes later, we made it to brunch. I felt severely underdressed amidst the bright colors and sequins that adorned the others in attendance. Lee Know was in a black button-up though, so at least my light blue was more fitting.
We settled into our seats, and I was less than enthused when Seungmin sat beside him, but there was nothing that I could do about it. We ordered our drinks and decided to share a variety of appetizers while the show went on.
The drinks all had fun names, and I ordered an Espresso Dolly Partini while Lee Know ordered a regular bloody mary.
I'd never been to a drag brunch, and watching the performers was so entertaining. It was also incredibly fun to watch Lee Know get flustered when Ariana Grande sang directly to him. It was even better watching Seungmin get jealous when Jeongin was chosen by Celine Dion to collect tips for everyone as they performed "It's Raining Men" together for their final song.
They all kissed his cheeks when he brought them the filled velvet bag and his face turned a bright red. Seungmin played along and smiled, but it was obvious he was feeling territorial.
Once we finished our meal, we decided to separate for a bit until the whale sightseeing boat later. I was eager to get Lee Know alone and was hoping to reignite the spark from earlier, but Chan and Dylan invited us to climb the Pilgrim Monument. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it without falling or getting dizzy, so I excused myself and left with Felix and Hyunjin instead to go back to the house for a nap.
"Are you sure?" Lee Know asked. I was worried that he was really forcing me to go since I was only here in the first place to be his fake boyfriend, but I didn't want to risk hurting myself.
"I'm sure," I gave him a small smile, deciding that if he pushed me again, I'd find a way to get through it. He didn't though, and he gave me a kiss on the cheek before running off after Chan, Dylan, Changbin, and Sana.
other main characters: the other skz members; changbinβs family; Hyunjinβs family
This is a Mafia AU with 152k words (about 380 pages)
I published it on both Wattpad and AO3. (their names are the links)
WARNING: main character death; very graphic violence; sex; fire; drug use
Minors DNI π
See below the cut for Chapter 1 of the story (this seems fast but i swear they donβt actually get together til like halfway through the book):
Han POV
It was loud. The music poured into the club from expertly placed speakers, and standing in the center felt like I was at the convergence of the loudest sounds in existence. My brain vibrated and I couldn't think.
That was why I was dragged here tonight though...to stop thinking. The people around me moved rhythmically and created a sea that flooded the dance floor. I was drowning in the bodies, and I looked up to catch my breath while standing completely still.
My eyes blurred over, and I felt a smile on my face as I relaxed into the chaos. I usually hated clubs. I hated social interaction and overstimulation, but the alcohol and freedom from my usual anxiety were making this more enjoyable than normal.
"Han!" someone shouted. I ignored them as I watched the lights reflect off of the disco ball and dance around the room instead.
My feet were stuck to the floor due to the many drinks that had been spilled there throughout the night, so I just swayed back and forth while keeping myself grounded. I closed my eyes and bathed in the song that had just begun. I was unfamiliar with it, but the melody was relaxing to me.
"Han!" I heard again, closer this time. I opened my eyes and looked ahead. My vision was blurry but managed to focus on a hand that I recognized, so I took hold and pulled my friend into the middle of the sea of people with me.
"Changbin!" I cheered hugging him.
"I got you another drink," he laughed, handing me a cup with a dark liquid in it.
I smiled and clanked my drink against his before downing it in one go. Changbin watched me wide-eyed. He usually had to beg me to go out and drink with him, and, even then, I would stand awkwardly in the corner. Tonight, I was doing something he'd never seen me do before: enjoying it.
"Thank you," I slurred as I tossed the cup to the ground. Changbin laughed and began jumping to the new song. I jumped with him in unison a bit before running out of breath.
"See anyone here you like?" he asked. I shook my head. I hadn't even seen an individual person since I got here. My brain had decided that everyone here was a collective unit and Changbin and I were the only two people that really existed.
He let out a disappointed sigh. I know he had meant for me to find someone to hook up with to gain a bit of experience and destress a bit, but being here was enough for me.
"What about you?" I asked. Being much more extroverted, he always found people to talk to in public places. He also famously never left the club alone.
"Of course. There's a girl at the bar I was talking to before coming to find you. Oh, and a guy in the corner being pretty mysterious. Either of them." He said nonchalantly as if people were interchangeable to him. I tried to peak at the bar, but couldn't see over the crowd.
"Do you want to go dance with them?" I asked. "I'd hate to cock block you."
"Tonight we are here for you. Come on," Changbin said as he took my hand and pulled me away from the center of the room.
"Where are we going?"
"Second floor. You can look over the railing and find who you like. Then, I'll be the best wingman that ever wing-manned."
I laughed and stumbled after him. The stairs to the second floor were crowded with couples trying to explore each other's tonsils. One had their hand completely down the other's pants. Changbin didn't seem phased, so I guessed this was normal behavior here. I couldn't help thinking of all the germs from their hands getting on their dicks though.
Germs from the door handle, the bathroom, the railing, the sticky bar top, the other people...
"Han, come on!" Changbin shouted over the music. I had accidentally stopped and stared at a couple basically engaging in foreplay against the railing. I probably seemed like a creep.
I continued up the stairs while keeping my eyes down, so as not to get distracted by anyone else.
Changbin pulled me over towards the railing, and we looked down. From up above, the people seemed even more like an ocean. Their waves of movement filling every inch of the dance floor. I'm surprised Changbin and I even fit down there.
"Choose," Changbin encouraged.
I tried to make out an individual but everyone seemed so together and blurry that it was hard for my mind to even find one face let alone one that I was attracted to.
"Where are your two?" I asked Changbin to stall for time.
He pointed to a corner to the left of us and described a tall blonde sipping on a drink. I put my hands on either side of my face and my elbows on the railing to steady myself. I managed to focus my vision on the guy and he was absurdly handsome. He seemed to be alone but not uncomfortable in it...a feat I'd never managed.
He then pointed towards the middle of the dance floor and began describing the girl, and I nodded as if I knew who he was talking about, but I couldn't even attempt to decipher what group she was in as those in the crowd were indecipherable from one another.
"She's cute!" I lied. I had no idea who he was talking about.
"Okay, now you."
I looked around the bottom floor but felt overwhelmed by the task. I didn't like hookups, and I hated crowds. When I was downstairs, I couldn't tell how large it was.
I turned around to see if there was anyone on the second floor. This floor was basically just the bathrooms and a few couches for people to wait for their friends.
The moment that I turned a tall figure emerged from the men's room. His eyes met mine, and I felt frozen in place.
My palms immediately felt sweaty and, though I wanted to look away, I couldn't. My heart skipped.
Changbin must have noticed my reaction because he also turned and saw who I was staring at.
"Nice," he nudged, turning to me. "Let's go over."
His words took me out of my trance, and I flipped back around to stare at the first floor. "We can't just go over," I whispered. "He's probably here with people or busy."
"Han, you need this," Changbin encouraged.
My mind couldn't even think of a single way to start a conversation. 'Hi' sounded too shy. 'Want to grab a drink' was too forward. What if he rejected me? What if he didn't find me attractive? What if he did find me attractive? What if he hadn't washed his hands?
"I need to pee," I said and turned to walk to the bathroom. The guy I had seen was already gone, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
Once in the restroom, I stared at myself in the mirror trying to calm down. The enjoyment of the evening was wearing off quickly and had been replaced with my normal anxiety. I was ready to go.
My hands were sticky from drink spillage downstairs, and I washed them a few times until I was satisfied. I fixed my disarrayed hair and took one last deep breath before turning to leave.
When I pushed the door open, I walked straight into someone's chest.
"I'm so sorry," I apologized as I looked up and saw the handsome guy from before staring back at me.
Fan Service: Jennieβs First Word (Han & Lee Know)
content warning: fluffy
Masterlist
Link to full fanfic (this is fanfic for the fanfic)
word count: 1424
Ella and Chan stood at the door, fussing over Jennie's diaper bag while rattling off what felt like a never-ending list of instructions. Jennie, sitting snugly in Ella's arms, looked around with wide eyes, her tiny hands playing with the edge of her mom's shirt.
"Okay, so she usually naps around 2, but if she seems tired earlier, just let her sleep," Ella said quickly, shifting Jennie from one arm to the other seamlessly. "And make sure she has her favorite blanket. The pink one. Not the blue one, she doesn't like the blue one anymore."
"And if she starts crying, she might just be hungry," Chan added, adjusting the strap of Jennie's bag. "Her snacks are in the front pocket, but make sure they're not too close to nap time or bedtime or she'll get fussy."
Han smiled, trying his best to keep up with the barrage of information. "We've got it. Snacks, blanket, nap. Food. Sleep. Don't worry."
"Also," Ella interrupted, looking more anxious now, "if she doesn't finish her bottle, just make sure she doesn't drink it too fast later. Sometimes sheβ"
"Ella, they'll be fine," Chan soothed, gently placing a hand on her shoulder. He smiled at Han and Lee Know. "You guys have known Jennie since she was born. She'll be in good hands."
Ella still looked hesitant, her gaze shifting between Jennie and the two men. "I know, I know. It's just... it's her first time with someone else for this long. Her first night away from me."
Lee Know, who had been standing awkwardly by the couch, looked at the two of them nervously. He opened his mouth to say something, but Han cut in, stepping forward with his usual calm confidence.
"Trust me, she'll be fine," Han said with a reassuring grin, gently reaching out to take Jennie from Ella's arms. Jennie settled into his embrace with ease, blinking up at him with her big eyes and reaching to slobber on his necklace. "See? She's totally comfortable."
Ella bit her lip. "But what if sheβ"
"We'll call if anything comes up," Han promised. "You guys deserve a break. Go enjoy your time off."
Chan chuckled, nudging Ella gently toward the door. "Okay, okay. Let's go before you start making up more things to worry about."
Ella nodded hesitantly as she kissed Jennie's forehead. "Have a good time little love. Don't be too hard on them."
"Bye Jennie. Mommy and Daddy will see you tomorrow," Chan kissed her cheek.
Ella sighed, glancing back at Jennie one more time before finally letting herself be led out by Chan. "Call us if you need anything. Even the smallest thing. I'll have my phone on loud all night."
"We will," Han assured her, smiling as the door clicked shut behind them.
The moment they were gone, Han looked down at Jennie, who was now chewing on her tiny fist. "Hi, cutie. You ready for your first sleepover?" He bounced slightly as he walked, trying to keep her calm. "You're a little too young for the good sleepover movies like Scream but maybe we can watch a kids' movie. Would you like that?"
Jennie replied with a giggle that made Han's heart melt.
"See, Lee Know," he said as he sat. "This isn't so bad."
Lee Know, still standing by the couch, crossed his arms. "Easy for you to say. You've always been good with kids."
Han laughed, bouncing Jennie slightly on his lap. "Come on, you've known her forever. You're not going to break her. You know how she is. She's pretty calm for a baby."
Lee Know's eyes flickered to Jennie, and he frowned slightly. "I'm just saying... what if I hold her wrong? Or she starts squirming and I drop her?"
"You won't," Han said confidently, moving closer and holding Jennie out toward Lee Know. "Here, just take her for a bit."
Lee Know took a step back, hands raised defensively. "I don't know, man... she's wiggly."
Han gave him a playful glare. "Lee Know, she's not a bomb. You've held her before."
Lee Know sighed, reluctantly extending his arms as he sat down. "Fine, but if she cries, it's on you."
With a smile, Han carefully passed Jennie over, and for a moment, everything was fine. Jennie blinked up at Lee Know, seemingly studying him. But then, her face started to crumple, and before either of them knew it, she let out a loud wail.
Lee Know froze, holding Jennie awkwardly in front of him with both hands supporting her by her armpits. "Oh no, I told you this would happen!"
Han chuckled, reaching out to take Jennie back. "Relax, she's just a little nervous because you're nervous."
The moment Jennie was back in Han's arms, her crying softened into tiny hiccups, and she buried her face in his chest. Lee Know sighed in relief, rubbing the back of his neck. "She hates me. I'll be her least favorite uncle. I'm sure when she starts talking she'll let me know that."
"No you won't," Han supported, gently swaying Jennie. "You'll get used to holding her, and you'll find other ways to bond with her."
"Won't he Jennie?" Han cooed.
Jennie smiled up at him with wide eyes and grasped for him to lean forward. When he did, she took fistfuls of his hair in her hands and laughed when he croaked in pain.
"Jennie, don't hurt Uncle Han," Han winced.
"Let me try to hold her again. You should get the travel crib set up."
Han nodded and carefully transferred Jennie again who gripped his hair until it slipped painfully through her fingers.
Lee Know tried to calm himself down by talking to Jennie like an adult instead. "Did you know we have a comeback coming up?"
Han grinned with twinkling eyes at Lee Know bonding with Jennie without freaking out before he headed to set up the crib. When he came back, Jennie was laughing and clutching his finger.
"I know!" Lee Know gasped. "And then I got kicked off the show. Uncle Han even cried."
"Hey!" Han called. "So did everyone else."
"Everyone else didn't send me flowers and bulgogi to try to cheer me up," Lee Know retorted.
"But then I came back. And Uncle Han never left me alone again," he smiled.
Han sat back down and took Jennie again. She yawned and Han asked Lee Know to find her blanket. "Hey, Jennie, you ready for nap time?"
Lee Know gave the blanket to her and she began to cry. Her scream was so shrill Lee Know had to cover his ears. "Fix her!"
"You brought the wrong blanket! She likes the pink one!" Han explained.
"What a drama queen," Lee Know rolled his eyes and collected the correct blanket for her. When he offered it to her, she instantly grabbed for it. "You and Hyunjin are going to be best friends," Lee Know joked.
"Nope! I'm her favorite uncle," Han claimed. "Jennie, can you say 'Uncle Han'? Come on say, 'Uncle Han,'" he begged as he exaggerated every syllable.
Jennie blinked, her little mouth opening and closing as she babbled something unintelligible.
"Uncle Han," Han repeated, encouraging her with a soft grin. "You can do it. Say 'Uncle Han' and I'll give you a million dollars."
Jennie cooed and reached for his finger to bite.
"'Uncle Han.'Β Say it. Come on. 'Uncle Han.'"
Suddenly, Jennie babbled, "Unca!"
Han's eyes widened, his heart skipping a beat. "Did you hear that?! She said 'Unca!'"
"Unca," she repeated upon seeing how happy it made Han.
Lee Know's eyes widened in shock. "No way... was that her first word?"
"Her first word," Han repeated, his grin growing wider by the second. He looked down at Jennie, his heart swelling with pride, but then his excitement faded a bit. "Oh no... Chan and Ella missed it. I can't tell..."
Lee Know raised an eyebrow. "You're not seriously thinking about not telling them, are you?"
Han hesitated, biting his lip. "I don't know... they're going to be upset they weren't here for it."
"They're going to find out eventually," Lee Know pointed out. "Might as well hear it from you."
Han glanced down at Jennie, who was now giggling happily in his arms, oblivious to the excitement she'd just caused. "Yeah, you're right. I guess they'll just be happy she's talking."
Lee Know smirked. "And that her first word was about her favorite uncle."
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In the grand ballroom of the Bridgerton estate, the air was thick with chatter and the soft strains of a waltz being played by a skilled quartet. Crystal chandeliers sparkled overhead, casting a warm, golden glow on the lavish scene. It was a night meant for celebration, and all eyes were on Lee Know, the handsome Duke of Nottingham. Known for his brooding demeanor and quiet confidence, he was the center of attention, with many hopeful eyes of daughters and eager mamas vying for his affection.
I stood at the edge of the ballroom, feeling like an invisible observer in the shimmering sea of people dressed in their most exquisite garments. My quiet and shy nature naturally made me a wallflower, blending into the background as others reveled in the spotlight...something I was more than content to do.
I sipped my champagne, watching the room with a mixture of curiosity and observance. My eyes were consistently drawn to Lee Know, though, who seemed to naturally command the attention of everyone in the ballroom without much effort. I admired the duke from afar, never imagining that someone of his stature would ever take notice of me.
As I watched, though, Lee Know's piercing gaze suddenly met mine. My heart raced, and I quickly averted my eyes, a blush creeping up my cheeks. I couldn't help but feel a mix of awe and intimidation. The duke's eyes were severe and sure of himself, and I felt completely out of my depth given my more cautious persona.
I risked a glance back up, and to my astonishment, Lee Know was making his way towards me. I could feel the eyes of the ton following his every move, whispers spreading like wildfire as everyone wondered who had caught his eye. Before I knew it, he stood before me, his dark gaze studying me intently.
"Viscount Han," he said, his voice steady and calm. "Would you honor me with a dance?"
I blinked, taken aback. I glanced around, half-expecting the invitation to be meant for someone else. But there was no mistake-Lee Know was looking directly at me; he'd said my name. I hadn't even known that he knew who I was. Gathering my courage, I nodded, my voice barely above a whisper. "Of course, Your Grace."
He extended his hand, and as I took it, a jolt of electricity shooting through me. His touch was warm and firm, his fingers gently curling around mine. My heart pounded in my chest, and a mixture of excitement and nervousness surged within me. I could feel his strength in his grip, and it made me feel both grounded and uplifted. At that moment, all my insecurities seemed to melt away.
As we made our way to the center of the ballroom, I felt like I was in a dream. The music swelled, and we began to dance. Lee Know led with grace and assurance, his movements fluid and precise. I, though initially nervous, found myself captivated by his presence. The dance was more than just a waltz-it was a silent conversation, each step a question, each turn an answer.
Despite the growing confidence, I'd briefly felt, a nagging worry gnawed at me. "Your Grace," I murmured, my voice barely audible over the music, "what will the ton think? A man dancing with another man... it's unheard of."
Lee Know's gaze softened, noticing how genuinely concerned I was. "Let them think what they will, Han. Sometimes, the world needs to see that some traditions are meant to be challenged."
My heart swelled at his words, but the fear remained. "But the scandal... it could ruin us both."
"Perhaps," he replied, his voice low and intimate, "but I am willing to face that risk for something real. I've danced with lady after lady at these balls, and this is the first where I did not feel I was wanted for my fortune but for my person. I would risk a scandal for such honesty in a partner."
I inhaled sharply as I absorbed his confession.
When the dance ended, we stepped out into the moonlit gardens, leaving the whispers and curious glances of the ballroom behind. There, amidst the blooming roses and the soft rustle of leaves, he turned to face me, his eyes filled with an emotion I had not dared to hope for.
"Han," he said softly, taking a step closer, "sometimes the heart knows what it wants, even if the world does not understand."
Before I could respond, he gently cupped my face in his hands. His touch was tender, yet firm, and I felt a shiver run down my spine. He leaned in slowly, giving me ample time to pull away if I wished. But I didn't. My breath caught in my throat as his lips brushed against mine, tentative and gentle at first.
The world around us seemed to fade away. His lips were soft and warm, moving with a delicate precision that sent sparks through my entire being. I closed my eyes, surrendering to the moment, my hands instinctively finding their way to his shoulders. As the kiss deepened, it was as if our souls were speaking to each other, sharing unspoken promises.
The kiss was a dance in itself, a perfect harmony of passion and tenderness. I could feel the steady rhythm of his heartbeat against my chest, grounding me in the reality of our connection. When we finally pulled apart, I was left breathless, my heart racing with a mix of exhilaration and fear.
I saw a flicker of movement out of the corner of my eye. A passerby, hidden in the shadows of the garden, had witnessed our intimate moment. Panic surged through me, but Lee Know's steady gaze reassured me.
"We will face this," he whispered, his voice filled with quiet resolve. "And we will resolve it in triumph."
-
The morning after the Bridgerton ball, the ton was abuzz with the latest edition of Lady Whistledown's Society Papers. The scandalous report featured prominently on the front page:
Dearest Gentle Reader,
It appears that last night's Bridgerton ball has delivered more than just a splendid evening of dance and revelry. Our ever-elusive Duke of Nottingham was seen engaging in a most intriguing dance with none other than the unimpressive Viscount Han.
But the true revelation occurred in the moonlit gardens, where a kiss between the two men was witnessed. In a society where such displays are a rarity, one must wonder what this means for the future of the duke and the viscount.
Could it be that the duke's icy exterior is beginning to thaw under the warmth of the viscount's gentle charm? Or is the viscount simply another glass animal in his menagerie?
Only time will tell...
Yours truly,
Lady Whistledown
The report sent ripples through London society, setting tongues wagging and imaginations ablaze.
The next morning, as the sun cast its first light over London, a knock sounded at the door of my townhouse. My heart leaped as I opened it to find Lee Know standing there, a determined look in his eyes.
"Good morning, Han," he greeted, his voice warm and inviting.
"G-good morning," I stuttered, not having expected to hear from him so soon since we'd been mentioned in the scandal column.
"Shall we take a stroll?" he offered.
"But the ton..." I began to argue but was interrupted.
"The ton shall not determine our future," he explained with a sharp tongue.
"Let me grab my coat," I replied, insistent on seeing where this could go.
With our hands intertwined, we stepped out into the busy street, ignoring the gossip in favor of discovering each other.
content warning: main character death; sex; cheating
Part 1 linked HERE; Also linked on my Wattpad HERE
Minors DNIπ
In total, this series is 47,744 words
LEE KNOW POV
Some might've thought it was dumb of us to repack for a quick two-day trip back to the place we'd just been...
But if Han's number one goal was to sleep on the beach then we would sleep on the beach. I'd have made any bucket list items come true for him though. If his goal had been to jump out of a plane, I would've faced my fear of falling, just to be by his side. If his goal had been to climb Mt. Everest, I would've slung him on my back and hiked all the way up as high as we could go until we reached the stars.
Last night Han had gotten to eat his first falafel and hadn't liked it.
"At least I won't be missing out on more of that if I die," he'd joked as he spat up the rest of his bite.
We all laughed uncomfortably, but I knew Han was trying to get us used to the idea of his death. He didn't want it to be a surprise. Still, after he'd gone to bed I tried calling the doctor again. On our way back home from the beach, I was going to try to get Han to take a short trip into Boston with me to see if the oncologist was at the hospital to do a quick scan. One doctor's opinion shouldn't determine his future.
Han slumped against my shoulder and snored away. He looked so cute in his loose blue sweater and baggy jeans. There was an imprint on his cheek from my shirt sleeve because of how long he'd been lying there. I kissed his forehead and looked out the window.
We were nearing Boston and I'd ordered a car to take us to Provincetown from there. I looked across the aisle and saw Hyunjin and Felix were also both passed out. I slapped Hyunjin's hand where it rested on the armrest, and he jolted awake and looked around in a daze.
"We're almost there," I told him.
"Oh, okay," he yawned and turned to wake up Felix.
I shook Han's shoulder gently, and his eyes blinked open.
"Hey, we're almost to Boston," I whispered.
He stretched and yawned and settled back against my shoulder until the intercom let us know it was the next stop. We collected our things and departed the train without much hassle.
I had both Han and I's bags and turned to ready for his hand but he was staring down the platform. I turned to look and saw his parents. They were jovially boarding the train to head up to New Hampshire.
His face looked so sunken and sad at the sight of them and it broke my heart into pieces to see him so devastated and torn up over the two most selfish people on the planet.
"Come on, baby. We have a beach to get you to," I tried to cheer him up, but his shoulders slumped the whole walk to our car.
Han took to the front seat to help with any motion sickness and I sat in the back with Hyunjin and Felix. I kept my hand on the back of his shoulder though, unwilling to be apart from him for even a second. His head leaned against the window, and he fell asleep again.
"Is he always so tired?" Hyunjin questioned worriedly.
I shrugged, "I think it's a little worse, but it could be the medicine he's on to keep him from having migraines and throwing up all the time."
Hyunjin gave a soft supportive glance, and I turned to Felix.
"What did you two talk about after we left?"
It had been bothering me since I'd left them together. I knew Felix wouldn't do anything with Han or vice versa, but Han could've asked Hyunjin and Felix to go get food and chose to send me away. I wanted to know why.
"He just wanted to talk," Felix shrugged.
"What about?" I pressed him.
Felix took a deep breath, "I can't tell you."
My immediate reaction was to be mad, but I tried to hear him out, "Why?"
What could Han possibly have to tell Felix that I couldn't know about?
"He made me promise not to tell you unless..." Felix's voice trailed off, and he gave me a look of pity.
"Oh..." I sank back into my chair, less eager to know what had been discussed now.
"Yeah," Felix sighed heavily.
The car grew quiet and a depressed mood took over. I suppose I should've expected a bucket list trip to involve talks of kicking that literal bucket, but I hadn't expected it so soon.
"What do we want for dinner?" Hyunjin piped up.
"Lobster roll and clam chowder," Han yawned from the front seat.
I smirked at him through the mirror, "Did you literally just wake up because someone mentioned food?"
"Maybe," he laughed. "But I'm starving."
It had made me so optimistic to see his appetite return the last couple of days. His body was trying to get nutrients again which could only be a good thing.
The driver pulled up to the hotel where Hyunjin had gotten a room. We unloaded our bags and I helped Han out of the car. When I looked across the street, I nearly lost it.
Chad was watering his lawn and had noticed us already. He dropped his hose and pranced right over with a huge hug for Han and less-than-enthused waves for the rest of us.
"Welcome back," he shook him as they embraced.
"It's just for tonight," Han told him.
"Well, there's no need for you to stay here. My house is open!"
"No Chad, that's okay. We already paid for our room and it's nonrefundable so..." I shrugged and started carrying our bags towards the door.
"Well, then we must have breakfast tomorrow!"
"Oh, okay," Han agreed.
"Come by my place in the morning! I'll have a whole spread whipped up." He hugged Han again and kissed his cheek and I imagined what it would be like to slap him in the face.
"Okay, bye Chad. We'll try to stop by tomorrow," I hurried Han along. He smirked knowingly at me but I ignored it.
We carried our things up to Hyunjin's room and I put a few blankets and pillows in a bag for Han and me to bring to dinner so we could go straight over to the beach.
"You wanted a lobster roll?" I grinned.
"And clam chowder," he reminded me, and we headed off to seek out his requested meal.
Han ate every single bite of his food. I was so happy to see the color returning to his face and how lively he was. I would've been perfectly happy taking this trip alone with him, but it was so incredibly fun to watch him laugh with Felix until soda spilled from his nose that I was glad they'd come along.
We took a post-dinner walk together and Han actually had the energy for it since he'd eaten so well. He only stumbled once and it wasn't even his fault...there'd been a pothole in the road and his ankle got caught in it.
"What do you think happens when we die?" Felix asked. More than the rest of us, he was less timid about the topic.
"I think we come back again," Hyunjin answered. "Until we get it right."
"What about after that? After someone's lived right?" Felix questioned.
He shrugged, "Heaven, I guess."
"I think people go to a place where they find peace. That we just disappear," Han said.
"Disappear?" I asked.
"Yeah. Like there'd be no point in living in paradise forever and ever. If every day is good then no day is good."
"What would be the point of living, then?" Felix questioned.
Han shrugged, "Just to do it I guess. I don't know."
"I like Hyunjin's more," Felix mumbled. "I don't want to just be gone."
Han could tell his answer had depressed him and tried to joke, "Or maybe I'll be a ghost and haunt you."
"I'm scared of ghosts," Felix laughed right as Han grabbed his shoulder from behind and shouted "Boo!" Felix yelped and playfully slapped him as we neared the hotel they were staying at.
"Do you two have everything?" Hyunjin asked.
"Yep!" I answered, motioning towards the bag slung over my shoulder.
"Just in case, here's the room key. Just knock so you don't accidentally walk in on something," he winked and Felix rolled his eyes.
"Thanks," I tossed the keycard into the bag and took Han's hand to walk with him to the beach. I walked through Chad's yard as a shortcut since he wouldn't dare call the police on Han for trespassing and set up the blankets close enough to the water that Chad wouldn't be able to spy on us easily but not so close that we'd risk getting wet.
Han watched and eventually sat down once everything was out. He wrapped a blanket around himself and leaned against me as we looked out at the ocean.
"Thank you for doing this with me," he appreciated. I put my arm around him and leaned my cheek against the top of his head.
"I'd do anything for you, Han."
He looked up at me with his pretty doe eyes, "I know."
He leaned forward and kissed me tenderly. Everything moved in slow motion and the waves and the world faded away. I could hear Han's quiet inhales as our lips remained pressed together, and when he pulled away, he was crying.
"Don't cry," he told me and wiped a tear from my cheek. I hadn't realized I was crying too.
"Sorry," I sniffed and tried to pull myself together. But something in this moment felt so final.
"Don't apologize, Lee Know," he kissed my cheek. His hand intertwined with mine and we sat silently for a bit.
"Don't I owe you another bucket list item?" I recalled.
Han laid back onto our makeshift bed and pulled me with him. I cupped his cheek and grazed my hand on an exposed sliver of his waist. He hummed prettily and pulled away.
"Let's check that one off another time. Tonight, I just want to be with you."
Han and I spent the night wrapped around one another. His lips only left mine to kiss my neck and mine only left his to kiss his cheeks. Our hands held onto each other desperately, and I made sure to give him as much love as he deserved.
When the sun rose the next morning, my eyes fluttered open. It had become so bright so quickly, and it took me a moment to remember where I was.
My body was still wrapped around Han's, clinging to him in any way I could. My hand was still in his hand that he had placed against his heart.
"Feel that?" he'd muttered. "It beats only for you," he'd promised.
...But unlike last night, it wasn't beating for me anymore.
"Han?" I whispered, trying to wake him, but he didn't move.
I sat up in a panic, suddenly completely awake. I shook his shoulder, "Han?"
Again, he remained still.
I laid him flat on his back and pressed my ear against his chest.
I'd never heard anything so quiet.
"Han!" I cried out as I tried to remember what little I knew about CPR.
"Baby, not now. Not yet," I pleaded, as I pressed down on his chest repeatedly before holding his nose and blowing into his mouth.Β
"Han, please don't go," I sobbed. "Please don't leave me."
This couldn't be happening. I wasn't ready. I didn't know how to deal with it.
I blew in more air and pressed my ear against his chest again.
Silence.
I pushed harder. "Han, no, no, baby don't go. Please don't leave me."
I pressed my lips to his again and blew into his mouth.
I listened again for a heartbeat, hoping it had worked, but there was nothing.
"Somebody help me!" I shouted as loud as I could. My voice was strained and desperate, and I fell to lay on his chest, to hold him close just one more time. I prayed his arms would wrap around me and that he'd be alright.
"Please, please, please, Han," I begged.
A woman on a run rushed over and called 9-1-1 as she took in the scene.
"Help him," I begged her. "Please I love him."
She looked down at me with a face of pity that I would never forget and shook her head, "I'm so sorry."
I choked out a sob. My chest tightened and my throat constricted making it impossible to breathe.
"Han, I love you, baby," I told him. I cupped his cheek as I rocked him back and forth in my lap. "Don't leave me. I love you. Please don't leave me. Han, I love you."
I didn't hear the sirens of the ambulance as it approached. I didn't see the faces of the EMTs that tore me off of him and took him away. I was staring straight ahead, blinking back tears, and feeling numb to the world when Hyunjin and Felix found me. I couldn't hear their words meant to comfort me, and I couldn't answer when they asked if I wanted them to help me to the car.
"Lee Know," Felix whispered gently. I turned my head in his direction but didn't really look at him.
It had been two days. Two days without Han and the only sound I'd heard until this moment was the silence of his chest.
He sat beside me and slid a box from his lap to mine. I looked down at it and traced my fingertips over the writing.
For Lee Know
It was Han's lettering. I'd never seen him write anything, but I instinctively knew that it was his.
"Han asked me to give this to you," Felix explained.
More tears fell down my cheek. I didn't wipe them away anymore. There was no use.
"Do you want me to be here when you open it?" he offered.
My finger traced over the L in my name and I shook my head.
"Okay," he muttered, "But I'll be in my room if you need me."
I waited for Felix to leave and heard the sound of his door closing.
For Lee Know
I sucked back a cry and traced over the box again. His hand had been here. His fingers had etched my name into the brown cardboard. He'd made this for me.
I took the top off and inside was a letter.
In big letters on the front, it read: From Han
I set the box aside and stared at the letters. It was the only time I'd ever get to see those two words together written in his handwriting.
From Han
For Lee Know and From Han
We should've seen those words on holidays dozens of times and on birthdays. We should've seen those words on Valentine's Day on a little pink card attached to flowers on our anniversary.
But the only time I'd see those words was on this box because he'd died.
He was dead. I blinked back more tears and turned the envelope around to read it.
Lee Know,
My chest tightened and I set the letter down. I should be able to hear my name from his lips. It wasn't fair that I had to read it on a paper. I inhaled shakily and restarted.
Lee Know,
If you're reading this...I am so sorry, baby, but I'm gone. I hope you're okay.
I wasn't.
But if you're not, that's okay too. Because I know you will be. You're so strong and I know you'll get through this grief you're feeling.
But now for why I left you a box...
Well, as you know, I love you, Lee Know, and even though I don't have a lot to give, I wanted to leave you something...a few somethings.
First, I left you my sweater that I wore our entire trip...the one you'd specifically not wanted me to bring. It's your problem now.
I looked over in the box and saw Han's black and white striped sweater sitting right on top. I picked it up and held it close. It still smelled like him, and I realized he must have hidden it from me when I put it in the laundry after we got home. I inhaled deeply and nearly collapsed from how much I missed him. How could he just be gone?
With his sweater still close to my chest, I read on.
Next, you'll find the card Chad had given me with my basket.
I looked over and picked it up between my fingers. Fucking Chad and his fucking phone number that he'd slipped my boyfriend.
If you turn it over, you'll notice it's still sealed.
I let out a small laugh.
I just wanted you to know that never, not even for a second, would I have considered being with Chad or anyone else. You're all that I needed Lee Know. You filled my heart and my soul and made me feel loved. I can never repay you for that.
But in my attempt to repay you, you will find a penny in the box.
I picked it up and realized it was the last item.
I know you used your wish to hope that I'd get better. And I know you'd called that doctor in Boston hoping for answers.
Don't be mad, but I sent the scans to the oncologist the day you tried to get in touch with him. I answered your phone and spoke with him. I wanted to live, Lee Know. I promise, but I just knew the realities of what was happening. I want you to know that your doctor looked at my scans too. There was nothing he could have done.
I didn't want to tell you because I knew you needed to believe I could get better...and it was nice having someone in my life wish that for me.
But your wish at the fountajn was wasted because it wasn't possible, so I hope you go back and wish for something you want. Be selfish about it too. Let world peace be someone else's problem.
I hope this doesn't break the rules of wishing magic if I'm writing and not telling, but my wish is that you meet someone and fall in love even harder. I wish for you to be so unbelievably happy that your heart forgets how sad you are at this moment.
I doubted I could ever forget this feeling.
I love you Lee Know (notice that's written in present tense...I love you.) No matter where I am right now I still love you and I always will.
Always yours,
Han
P.S. Don't call Chad or I'll haunt you (I can be jealous, too)
I reread the letter several times over. For the first time in days, I felt like I could breathe. Maybe it was the smell of his sweater, but my mind which had been filled with storm clouds opened up and allowed me to see.
I heard a door creak open and Felix and Hyunjin emerged with sympathetic looks on their faces.
"I'm okay," I told them.
EPILOGUE
A few days after I'd been given the box, we had a funeral for Han. He'd requested his ashes be spread at the beach, so we took another trip up.
I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to step foot on the beach again.
I'd barely been able to say the words I'd rehearsed for him and ended up a blubbering mess. Hyunjin and Felix comforted me and tried to make it better. It didn't...but they tried. I'd worn Han's sweater under my blazer.
We had invited his parents, but they didn't come. I assumed they must've felt too ashamed to show face around those of us who were there for him at the end when they'd dismissed him so easily. I don't know what I would've done if they'd showed up. I was glad they hadn't.
We had let Chad come, though...it was fine.
When we'd gotten home, I put the sweater back in the box and just stared at it. I placed the letter inside, too, and let it sit on the table for days until I moved it to the desk in my room and eventually a shelf in my closet. It made me too sad to look at.
In the fall, Felix and Hyunjin decided they wanted a place of their own. They offered to move out but I decided I would instead.
I needed a change. I needed to leave the city.
I'd nearly finished packing when I spotted Han's lettering for the first time in months. I opened the box and was overwhelmed by the smell of his sweater. I found myself putting it on and I lifted the coin that I'd yet to use. Han had told me to use it to wish selfishly...
Before I knew it, I found myself walking towards Bethesda Fountain again. It was a crisp fall day and the orange and red leaves blew in the breeze around me.
In the park, people walked hand-in-hand in coats and scarves. I just had on Han's light sweater, but it made me feel warm.
I didn't even know what to wish for. Han had said that he'd wished for me to fall in love again. I doubted I'd ever feel that way for someone else.
He'd also said my wish had been impossible, so I decided this one would be something realistic.
At least that had been the plan...
"Sorry Han," I mumbled as I wished for something else that was unattainable.
I wish I knew that Han was happy.
I didn't know how he'd pull that off, but I wanted it. He'd already wished for me to find love anyway, so I didn't see a point in trying for that again.
I suddenly felt someone tug at my hand and looked down to see a little girl trying to get onto the bench.
"I wish my daddy was happy," she said and tossed in the coin before running back to her father who was angrily shouting into his phone. I stared at her in shock and when she ran away, on the back of her long-sleeve t-shirt, it said Soccer Champions 2024.
I found myself laughing and crying. I likely looked like a lunatic but I didn't care.
I turned to head back to my apartment and bumped right into someone.
