#soft john

“He hasn’t been sleeping again, has he?”

Whilst simple enough to answer, the question was one Cortana wished she didn’t know the answer to. John had barely been sleeping, preferring to stay awake at night rather than face the demons of his subconscious mind. It worried her, and she knew you were worried too. You always were when it came to John.

“No, he hasn’t,”

You sighed as you tossed the clothes from the wash into the dryer, glancing at the clock and realizing John would be calling you soon. 

“Do you have any ideas as to why?”

Cortana nodded, “A few, the most logical solution? He had an……….. Incident a few weeks back.”

“The one with the ODST?” You questioned as you picked up Cortana’s data chip, walking into the kitchen to get started on dinner. Cortana nodded, watching with an observant stare as you milled about making some form of casserole, 

“It’s likely that was the trigger… even though he won’t admit it.”

“Of course, he won’t.” You agreed, “God forbid he allow someone to worry about him.”

The said incident happened a few weeks ago, and to be honest, you were still fuming over it. An ODST who was VERY anti-Spartan had nearly gotten himself discharged when he decided he would verbally attack John and the Spartan 2’s for no reason other than the fact he felt overshadowed by John’s presence. John didn’t go into explicit detail about what was said. Still, from what Cortana had told you, this man had basically told John he wished the Spartans never existed and that too many people forget their freak lab experiments. He later remarked that all of the Spartans should’ve been on Reach when it was glassed. That way, the galaxy was rid of the “Real Monsters.”  

 John had kept his cool up until the point of the comment about his fellow Spartans. John is a very patient, forgiving man but something this idiot neglected to realize was that you don’t under ANY circumstances insult his Spartans. John had spent the better part of his life leading them. He’d seen them die, not even given a proper burial because Spartans never die. He’d shed blood with them, cried, consoled them, and be dammed if he let someone insult them. 

 According to Cortana, John hadn’t done much. He’d just towered over the ODST and suggested he watch his mouth, though both you and Cortana knew John was internally fuming. Since then, however, John had been having a difficult time sleeping. If he managed to fall asleep, he only slept for around three hours or so before the nightmares came calling. 

 You sighed mournfully as you placed the casserole in the oven. You wished that John would see that he didn’t need to needlessly blame himself, that he would get to the point where he would accept that some things were just out of his control. It hurt seeing him punish himself over the past, the regret he carried at times like this seeming to drown him, and he didn’t know how to ask for help. As you cleaned up your mess, you heard the whooshing sound of the portal and looked up to see John standing in your living room. He looked exhausted. The bags under his eyes a dark shade of purple as he took a sip of what you could only assume to be coffee or tea. His shoulders were slumped forwards, and you could tell from the way he looked around that he was at the point of collapsing.

“Hey, love.” You greeted with a soft smile, making your way over to him, wrapping your arms around his waist as you gently embraced him. John sighed as he wrapped an arm around you, nuzzling the top of your head before kissing you.

“Hi, Dove…” He greeted, inhaling your comforting scent, his body threatening to slump against you the longer you both stood there.

“You alright?” You asked as the two of you sat on the couch. John nodded, leaning into your touch as you carded your fingers through his hair.

“Just tired,” John admitted letting his head fall onto your shoulder. You hummed as you continued to rub his head, 

“You should try and rest then, love.”

John shook his head as he wrapped his arms around you, his body relaxing against yours as you shifted into a reclining position.

“John–

“I’m alright….” John assured, even though you knew he was lying.

~~~~~~~

Around 3 A.M, you were awoken to the sound of soft, strangled cries and whimpers. You rubbed your eyes gently to clear your vision and glanced over to see John sitting on the edge of the bed. His head buried in his hands, and you could see his body tense as he tried to avoid making too much noise. Your brows creased in concern as you got out of bed and walked around to his side. Kneeling on the ground in front of him as you placed your hands on the sides of his face. He sobbed heavily before looking up at you, shaking his head as he tried to find the words, 

“I-I-I– sor-sorry Dove-Dove I-

“Shhhhh….” You hushed, pulling him into a comforting embrace, 

“I’m so-so tir-tired….” John admitted, burying his face in the crook of your neck.  You had migrated from the bedroom to the living room, John laying atop you as you comforted him. “But I can’t….. James, Daisy, Anton, Solomon.”

“John… it wasn’t your fault, my love.” You consoled, kissing his head, “You can’t control whether someone lives or dies in a war.”

“Not true…” John’s broken sigh caused your heart to clench painfully, “I’ve sent men to their deaths Dove…. Watched them die because of me.”

“Did you kill them?” You questioned, causing John to look up at you, “Did you physically walk over to them and kill them? Or place them directly in harm's way?”

John shook his head, shuddering as you placed feather-light kisses on his eyelids, 

“You didn’t kill them, my love…. If you had any control over the situation, I know you wouldn’t allow that to happen…. But you don’t. That doesn’t make you responsible for anything that happens.”

John didn’t say anything, but you could see the gears in his exhausted mind turning. You gave an empathetic smile before softly kissing him, rubbing gentle circles on his tear-stained face.

“I love you, John….” You began, “I love you so much. You are a great man who deserves so much more. Your world is lucky to have you in it.”

A few silent tears fell from John’s eyes as he leaned in for another kiss, his large, scarred hand gently cupping your cheek as he allowed your words to sink in. Tilting his head a bit to deepen the kiss as he accepted your comfort.

“I love you too…….” He whispered, pressing his forehead against yours, “Thank you… sweet Dove.”

“” I know, I know. The past haunts you, I know. Let me kiss your fears away. “”