#soccer angst

“I can't do this anymore.”

The words escaped her lips before even she could fully process them. It was almost a whisper — a sign of utter defeat, of how much she had struggled and how much she could not take another second of being with him. There was no amount of affection that could mend what the situation had done to her, no amount of luck that could change their fate and, most definitely, no amount of effort he could have shown at that moment that would make her change her mind. It was too late for anything.

If he had listened to her attempts of communication, if he did not dismiss her feelings, if he took her more seriously… A series of ifs that only involved things he could have done.

She had tried to stay with him as long as she could, even if she felt, from the start, that she was doomed from the second her heart beat a little faster at the thought of him. After all, who would hate themselves enough to fall for Jude Bellingham, knowing his reputation, knowing the amount of women he had around on their knees, knowing him?

She thought she knew him, she really did. At least, better than others. They had met at a strange moment in their lives, where a relationship would never fit. That was never what they wanted.

Jude had recently gotten out of a relationship, whereas she was avoiding any sort of relationship for more than a year. Each one had their motivations, and one thing was clear: no relationship was a rule.

So, she didn’t mean to when she realized she was falling for him. In fact, it was nerve-wrecking — constantly beating herself up and trying to smack some sense into her own head; anything that would bring her back to reality. And like that, without knowing her feelings were reciprocated, she created a distance between them, leaving room only for her anxiety.

As her sorrow eyes met his desperate ones, she remembered. Flashes of how they ended up like that flooding into her head without her permission.

“So,” Jude said once. They were at her place — something they used to do quite often. He didn’t like bringing attention to himself and he wasn’t one to take any woman to his place, considering how the press could be if someone saw.

She didn’t know much about Jude. All she knew was that he was a good kisser, a nice company and someone that would provide her aftercare. She couldn’t ask for much more than that.

But one thing she did know — he was confident. Not that she wasn’t, but he was cocky. And, judging by the way he nervously held his thumb, she knew something wasn’t right.

“So?” She asked, tilting her head, looking at him gently.

“I—” he gulped and let out a nervous chuckle. “Look, don’t get me wrong. I know we said it was only a casual thing, but I’ve always been a man that liked, you know, talking to more than one woman.”

She nodded, furrowing her eyebrows, trying to predict what he was going to say. 

“What I want to say is—” he took a deep breath. “I don’t feel like talking to any other woman but you. I haven’t, actually, since this whole arrangement started. I know it’s only been a month, but—”

She laughed and he raised her eyebrows. She held his hand with an affection she hadn’t shown yet.

“Jude, it’s okay. I haven’t been with anyone else or even did as much as looking at anyone else ever since I’ve been with you,” she reassured him.

“Thank God.” He sighed happily, relieved.

The first and only rule was already broken.

“I can’t do this, you know. Can’t have a relationship. It’s not your fault, I just can’t do this sort of commitment at this point of my life.” Jude said while looking at her. She didn’t know where that came from.

They were peacefully taking a walk on a park close to her place. The cold breeze and the way his words somehow felt like a dagger made her shiver and cross her arms, not looking at him.

“I’ve never—” she tried to say. “We were never—”

What could she say? That they were nothing? That wasn’t the truth.

“I’ve never asked a relationship from you. I don’t even— want a relationship. We had talked about that since the beginning,” she said, furrowing her eyebrows. Did she do something that made him think otherwise?

“Let’s be honest with each other for a second.” He said and stopped her, turning her around to look at him  “This whole thing is running out of our control. I can’t do this. There’s no way I can have a serious relationship, one with actual commitment. I need to stop this before it gets to a point that I’ll hurt you.”

She swallowed. Despite her best efforts to hide how that hurt, maybe she was giving it away.

She didn’t want a relationship. They were in the same page.

But she was never the one to insist. Never the one to run after someone. In fact, her entire life, all she did was running away.

That’s all she knew how to do.

So, she just accepted it.

She sighed when she heard the knock on her door, her face twisted with annoyance. For some reason, Jude decided he wanted to see her and asked her to dress up nicely — something he knew she always did, but maybe he just wanted her to create some expectation and, perhaps, not dislike him as much as she was disliking him at that moment.

When she opened the door, he was standing there with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and in a perfect tuxedo. She would’ve sighed, if it wasn’t for the last conversation they had.

“You think you can buy me flowers and what? Problem solved?” She asked, not bothering to hide how much his presence maddened her.

“No. I know you better than that,” Jude said carefully, knowing he had to think well before speaking if he wanted to still be in her life. “But I can still buy you flowers, right? I know you like peonies. And I also like to think that’s a decent way to greet a woman you’d like to take on a date.”

She scoffed and rolled her eyes.

“On a date?” She asked in disbelief. “I thought dates were too couple-ish for you.” She mocked him.

He sighed deeply.

“I was wrong, alright?” He said and run a hand through his hair. “Well, not that wrong. The situation is getting out of hand and we’re breaking every rule we made up, but you’re right, this isn’t like I’m dating you. Still, I’d love to have you on my life and for things to be… the way they were before I fucked up.”

She sighed, crossing her arms.

“My ex showed up that day and I just got nervous; I think.” He looked down. “I had never liked someone this fast, you know? I don’t know how it happened to us. But when she showed up, everything I was afraid of suddenly came back and I just— almost ruined us. Whatever this is.” He looked at her. “But you're not her, and I like you so, so fucking much. Can I, please, have the honor of a second chance?”

“It’s the only one you’re having.” She said as she grabbed the bouquet. “Nice choice of flowers.”

He opened the sweetest, most genuine smile.

“Things are so much easier when I’m with you. I wish it was always like this. That I could take you everywhere,” Jude said.

They were stargazing in her backyard, laying on the soft grass. His head was on her chest as she caressed his hair. They didn’t need to look at each other and he didn’t need to see her eyes to know how she felt — he could hear her heartbeat. It was more than enough.

He was going through a rough patch; she knew that much. And she didn’t know how to fix it, how to help him — it was out of her reach to do such a thing and he would hate if she even tried. His pride always took a tool on him, used to suffering in silence.

“I know.” She sighed softly. “I like being with you, if that helps. You’re my favorite person to talk to.”

“I hope I am,” he chuckled softly. “That’s why we’re sort of together, right?”

“Right,” she nodded. Things seemed so easier and intimate when they were like that. She felt his soft locks against her fingers and sighed once again. “But only sort of together.” She teased him.

“You’re annoying,” he joked.

“Touché.”

“Why are you so mad at me?!” Bellingham exclaimed, trying to run after her as she made her way out of the nightclub. He tried to reach for her arm and called out her name. “Stop, please.”

She stopped. Why was she still agreeing with anything he told her to do, anyway? Even when she couldn’t think straight, even when she was tipsy from all the alcohol she had consumed. Since when he became such a strong influence in her life that she would just submit to what he said? Why didn’t she leave?

Why didn’t she run away?

She was so good at that.

“I just—” She looked up, trying to find a way to put her words together and make it make sense. “I hate seeing you surrounded by so many women. And it’s so clear how much you enjoy the attention.”

“I don’t—”

“You literally left me standing to go talk to whoever that woman was.”

“You’re exaggerating and you don’t want to listen to me. Why don’t you just breathe for one second?” He asked her. “Look, I might enjoy the attention, but I wouldn’t leave you standing anywhere. I told you, when this whole thing started, that you’d never have to worry about me hitting on someone in front of you.”

And, to her, it felt like they had taken every step back. He didn’t mean for his words to come out like that, really. He knew what she had gone through in her relationships and how much anxiety she could feel from liking someone. He wanted to reassure her and was managing to do the opposite.

“Yeah, the same way we told each other this would be nothing serious,” she scoffed. “And it really seemed like you were flirting with her. How come when it’s with me, I have to chill and take a deep breathe, but when you’re feeling like that, I have to keep explaining myself?”

He opened up his mouth, but no words left. She knew he’d say she was making a fuss over nothing.

“Good night, Bellingham,” she said before leaving the club, not bothering to look back.

That same day, thousands of pictures of him in the club came out. He wasn’t doing anything, but her heart broke a little bit more from how many women surrounded him.

He didn’t bother to explain.

In fact, he had ignored her for two weeks.

That’s how they ended up here.

“You’re joking, right?” Jude asked, though he knew her enough to know if she was bluffing or not. “I just told you all my problems and— that I need a break from us. I need to focus on other aspects of my life, I can’t afford the luxury of having space for anything romantic.”

She laughed dryly.

“And what am I supposed to do, huh? Shove my feelings right up my ass just because you want me to wait for you? Or even worse, be your friend?” She didn’t mean to sound that aggressive, but the two weeks of no contact were more than enough for her anxiety to overcome every good memory they had and replace them with thoughts that he didn’t even really care.

“I’m not asking to be your friend! Jesus, you’re so complicated!” Jude exclaimed.

“I'm not complicated!” She argued back. “I’m just tired of having to put your feelings on top of mine, of prioritizing you instead of myself. I know where this ends and I won’t submit myself to this. Not to this, not to you, not with you.”

“Please,” he sounded desperate. Pathetically desperate. He held her arm. “Don’t do this to me. Wait for me. I will come back, I swear to God.”

“And put my life on hold because you want me to?” She asked, looking up at him, showing how hurt she was by the whole situation.

“What if I’m losing the love of my life over something I cannot control?” He asked her in a whisper, his brown eyes meeting hers.

It was his last attempt, that was for sure. But he forgot just how good she was at walking away. Maybe it was her fault for always finding some excuse for his attitudes or even for forgiving him, in first place. Maybe she should've walked away when she realized she was catching feelings. Maybe she shouldn’t have allowed him a second chance.

A series of maybes that only involved things she could have done.

But one thing was for sure: she wasn’t going to break herself over anyone ever again. Despite how much she liked him, despite the part of her that was willing to wait — she had been through too much to do that to herself again. She didn’t know if it was worth it, not anymore.

‘hey :)’

‘gonna keep leaving me on read?’

‘guess I’ll keep your coat with me’

She sighed when she read the texts. Jude was trying to reach out to her every day. Of course, his scene at the bar was more than enough to keep the man she was seeing far away from her. On one hand, it was Jude’s fault. Who would want to be Jude Bellingham’s competition? On the other hand, it was her fault. Her fault because she not only listened to his words, but also obeyed him. One thing Jude got right — it seemed like they weren’t done. Not yet at least.

She thought she was over him; she really did. She had put her life back on tracks — everything she had left on hold because of whatever happened between her and Jude, she went back. To her numerous projects, to her podcast, to writing articles about sports. To her friends, that she seemed to have disappeared a little bit of their lives. To focusing on her upcoming university semester, which, despite the good grades the previous semester, they could be better.

She had liked Jude wholeheartedly, she believed. She could have ended up loving him, if things had kept flowing the way they did when they were alone. She had allowed him to come over to his place, to know her routine, to know her. Told about her life, about her previous relationships, about everything that hurt her. She allowed him into his life with open arms, with him saying he would always be honest with her. Not that he wouldn’t hurt her, but he would be honest.

Hurt was something that came with liking someone; it was inevitable, especially when it came to her. Anxiety always took over her whenever it was about romantic matters, as if searching for any excuse to jump off; to just not be there, to not be vulnerable, to not allow anyone in. To be alone, something she had mastered.

She had trusted Jude, and he broke her trust. It was as simple as that. And now, he was trying to right his wrongs.

And she was confused; she didn’t know exactly how she felt about him. She had spent over a month assuming things about him, ruining the previous image she had of him being someone she could rely on, someone nice, someone that cared about her. It was replaced with thoughts of him being a selfish, almost sadistic person, as if he wanted to see her feeling bad — although she never gave him the delight of knowing how much harm he had caused.

Now, it was hard to identify the person he was being, to the person he was, to the person she assumed he was. The lines seemed blurred, and she didn’t have any evidence to support any feelings besides his ridiculous attempts of making conversation. It truly surprised her that he didn’t attempt to come over, respecting her privacy and her desire to be far away from him.

Perhaps, that said something about him.

Her phone buzzed again, and she rolled her eyes as another text popped up on her screen.

‘texting you before the match’

‘need my lucky charm’

‘can you reply at least once?’

‘can you fuck off?’

‘well, better than nothing’

‘hi, princess’

‘when are you giving me my coat back?’

‘does that mean you want to see me?’

‘no’

‘I’ll return it when you want to see me’

‘I might hate you, you know’

‘nah, you don’t’

The way he could easily get reactions out of her was annoying. She was so used to being logical, to keeping her composure, to being someone who would hardly react to anything at all. And yet, ever since they broke thing off, he could get her snapping in a matter of seconds. She knew Jude liked it — perhaps, it was his way of knowing she still felt something, despite not even her knowing what she felt.

She didn’t want to let him in once again, since she didn’t have the assurance that she wouldn’t be wrecked again. And being his friend was out of the picture – she couldn’t even think about the hypothesis. Jude knew her body with the back of his hand and the tip of his tongue. Not to mention how hurtful it would be if he ended up treating her better than he did when they were together.

She couldn’t afford to be hurt again.

So, she just decided to postpone whatever conversation they could have and slowly digest her feelings about what happened, about what was happening and about how they were. Associating the past to the present before deciding.

It was a quiet night; she didn’t like nights like those because it gave too much room for her thoughts. She tried distracting herself by reading, trying to watch something and even cooking — only to watch her fail every single one of her attempts. Jude was constantly on her mind, especially now that he had stopped texting her for a week.

Maybe he had given up.

Maybe he had found someone else.

Maybe he realized how famous he is and how he doesn’t need you at all.

Every single thought of hers, when it came to him, seemed too hurtful. She didn’t even know why she was so pressed that he wasn’t texting anymore when she had only been leaving him on read. Did she care? Was it bruised ego, or did she actually have some hope? She didn’t have an answer for any of her questions.

When she heard a knock on her door, she didn’t realize how late it was or how, in no way, it could be one of her friends deciding to bother her because she hadn’t been replying. That happened whenever she was too contemplative, and they were used to that. She just automatically opened the door and her eyebrows raised at the sight.

Jude was standing there, with a grey sweater and matching sweatpants, and a black beanie on. She was taken aback, suddenly remembering how comfortable he used to dress whenever he would come over, because he felt comfortable with her.

“You’re drunk.” It wasn’t a question, but more of a statement. She was sure she could tell if Jude was drunk or not from a mile away — he would always have a huge grin on his face, his eyes would become smaller, and he would always tilt his head whenever someone would speak to him. And, of course, the fact that he wouldn’t be standing there if it wasn’t for the alcohol.

“I scored the last match, the one I texted you before,” he said, his voice slightly dragged. He was drunk, but not that much. Good to know. “Did you watch it?”

She furrowed her eyebrows, leaning her head on her doorframe.

“I didn’t,” she confessed. Why did she feel bad about that?

“You didn’t,” he echoed and licked his lips. “I scored.”

“I know,” she replied. Every time he scored ended up all over the internet. There was way she wouldn’t know.

“For you, I mean. I blew a kiss to the camera, but I know you wouldn’t see it. Not when you didn’t even want to reply to me.”

Guilt washed all over her, even if she knew Jude didn’t blame her at all. He knew he was just dealing with the consequences of his actions, but that didn’t stop him from trying. Then again, what would ever stop Bellingham from trying anything? He was used to falling and getting up. To losing and keeping his head up.

Maybe that’s what he meant when he said he’d show me what’s in store if I wanted war, she thought. He knew he had lost the battle, but not the war.

The cold breeze blowing on her face brought her back to reality, and she realized she couldn’t leave him on her doorstep. She could, actually, but it wouldn’t be right of her. Not when he was drunk, vulnerable and something could happen. She’d rather have him inside her house than to let him wander the streets in that state, given who he was.

“Jesus, Jude,” she sighed, shaking her head and signaling him to come in, which he happily obliged. He stumbled until he managed to find his way to her couch. “Are you cold?”

“Not at all,” he shook his head and she nodded. “But could you just— sit next to me? Please.”

Truth be told, she never had to deny him much stuff. But she had learned that, even the little things she had to deny seemed hard to say no. And she found herself once again, in the same situation. She knew she could get hurt.

And yet.

Maybe there was a reason why she couldn’t deny him that. A reason why her feet were making their way to him, despite her heart pounding in anxiety and fear. Maybe, just maybe, there was a reason why she was choosing to walk to him instead of succumbing to her fears and shutting him off.

As she sat next to him, she noticed the way he looked at her; even drunk, it seemed like he was analyzing and memorizing every detail, every freckle, every single portion of her face. As if he didn’t know when it would happen again.

How wrecking must it be to adore someone and not being able to see them; to yearn in silence. To accept the fate and not try to change it. To accept any crumble that could come to you, because it would be better than nothing. Because even hurt would be better than indifference.

Amongst many things she had learned about Jude, she knew he didn’t accept fate. He didn’t believe in it. He believed he had control over his choices and everything that happened after that were nothing but consequences, which he could also change the course of. It hurt seeing someone who was always so self-assured suddenly show such an insecurity.

However, that was something she would’ve never noticed if she didn’t know him that much.

“I like you,” Jude said, still looking at her. For once, it didn’t seem blurted out — no, it seemed like something he had been thinking about for a long time. Nothing like the other times she heard that, no spontaneity in his voice. “So much. Hence why I tried so hard to at least get you to talk to me. It’s not about not being able to live without you, it’s about knowing my life could be so much better with you in it. Although, I must admit, I don’t do a pretty good job living without you.”

She stood quiet, suddenly catching herself also analyzing his features. He was still as beautiful as she remembered, unfortunately.

“I hurt you, I get it. I do. I broke your trust and, apparently, I can’t win it back. I’m in a losing battle every time I even think of texting you,” Jude let out a sad chuckle, his hand caressing her cheek softly, as if she could disappear at any moment. “I like that about you. Your judgment of knowing what serves you and what doesn’t. You said you weren’t the love of my life, but God, you could be. I’ve felt like I was too young to say that out loud, but it’s hard to not have thee thoughts when I’m miserable without you around.”

There was so much she wanted to say; like everything he said could just be a result of his wounded ego, or that she only served to caress his ego. Like it didn’t make any sense to her him even considering her the love of his life after how things had played out between them. But above all, she wanted to say how much her judgment was broken, because, at that moment, she didn’t know if she was doing what served her or not.

But, instead, she just leaned her cheek against his hand and gently shook her head.

“You’re drunk, Jude,” she whispered. “You have no idea of what you’re saying.”

“I’m not that drunk. Just enough to gather courage to come up to your house and overstepping a boundary. I know I overstepped on a lot of your boundaries that day at the nightclub, but I was also aware of how much it hurt you. I wouldn’t even think of not leaving you alone if I didn’t drink, and I really need to pour out my heart to you. If this must be my last attempt, then so it be. But just listen to me, please.” He begged her. It broke her heart to see that, in the end, he was just as wounded as she was.

They had met each other at the perfect timing to ruin each other; when neither of them wanted anything serious, when neither of them could commit to one another. When both of them were so bruised by past relationships that it’d blind the present and destroy what they were building. At least, that was how she saw it. She knew she had barely let herself enjoy it, always waiting to be hurt, always wanting to predict so she could leave before.

What a pathetic, yearning mess they had become.

“Okay,” she nodded slowly as his thumb ran through her cheek. “I’ll listen.”

He took a deep breath and stared into her eyes, admiring their shade and getting lost for a moment.

“My mum always told me that what was meant to be mine, would be mine. Close to the ‘what’s bound to happen, will happen’ kind of discourse, but not quite. The same way she always told me that what goes around always finds its way back around,” he tilted his head and sighed. “I know I’m paying for what I did; I don’t blame you for acting the way you have been or for trying to get over me because I’d do the same. I’d get over you if I could. But my mind just assumes that you’re meant to be mine. That, if I work hard enough, if I show my efforts, if I keep falling and getting up, at some point you’ll see that too. But it’s not football, you’re not a prize and I’m not really taking what you feel into consideration when I think that way.”

His hand traveled from her cheek to her hair, gently caressing it.

“The truth is, I can’t get over you. And I’ve been trying to right my wrongs, but at the end of the day, it’s all up to you. Despite of what I do and what I don’t, it’s your call. I’ve been at your mercy for so long and I don’t even think you’ve realized that,” he spoke, his voice shaking. She had never seen him so vulnerable. “I’d do anything to have you with me once again. I never took you for granted, though I know it seemed that way. I knew what I had; I knew I wouldn’t find better. You had warned me. I adored you then, but I let everything get in the way, my job, my past, my insecurities and I ended up wounding you. I made some decisions I regret, I acted selfish, but I swear to God, I still adore you. Even more than I did back then. It’s so much more than liking and I’m tired of pretending like it isn’t. Of acting nonchalant about it. If you’d ask me to commit here and now, I would. I would promise I’d never break your trust again if you’d let me in.”

He looked into her eyes once again.

“I’m at your fucking mercy,” he whispered. “And, looking back, I don’t think there ever was a moment I wasn’t.”

Jude’s words flooded her senses. As she tried to digest, she realized she knew the answer to this all along. She knew the answer when she suggested a break to be considerate about his feelings; she knew the answer when he had walked up to her while she was with someone else, and she didn’t ignore him. She knew the answer when she obeyed his only request. But especially, she knew the answer from the moment she had chosen to sit next to him instead of making him leave; the moment she chose a maybe instead of a certainty and let him stay.

In a loss for words, she suddenly held him tight. Dumbfounded, it took a while for him to wrap his arms around her; however, when he did, his head fell to the crook of her neck, and he inhaled her scent he had missed so much as she kissed the top of his head. The yearning and the waiting were so much that she didn’t even realize what she was missing until he held him again, a single tear falling down her face.

“Jude?” She asked quietly.

“Yeah?” Jude replied, leaning away just enough to look at her face and wipe the tear with a concerned glance.

“Do you think you can repeat all of that to me tomorrow, when you’re sober?” She asked and his face lit up.

“Tomorrow. The next day. The day after. Whenever you want me to say it.” He replied with a huge, genuine smile as his arms were still wrapped around her waist. She knew she would be fine. She knew they would be fine.

For once, she chose her peace instead of battling wars inside her head. For once, she chose her emotions against her logic. For once, she was willing to not run away.

Jude Bellingham knew a few things. He knew how good he was on pitch; he knew the perfect timing to pass, and he knew how to score beautiful and decisive goals. But above all, he knew he had royally screwed up with probably the only person he had ever liked after his terrible, boring and complicated relationship. And the guilt he carried on his shoulders from hurting someone that was too good for him, who had never wronged him at all was one of the heaviest burdens he had yet experienced.

He didn’t love her, no. He knew she didn’t love him either — neither of them allowed it to get that far. But he was in love. He knew it from all those moments he had with her, from all the times she faced troubles by his side, from every time she had forgiven him. From every caress, every kiss, every slight touch. And he couldn’t even get started on the sex.

Jude thought he was making the right decision — making her stay away from his problems, asking for her to still be around somehow, even if he didn’t know exactly where she’d fit in his life, and being selfish.

He only forgot, in the meantime, that she had also every right to be selfish and not take accountability of the way he felt or of what would hurt him. After all, that had been exactly what he did to her. After the conversation they had, the week after, she accepted the break. But he knew her better than that — it was, most likely, just her trying to be considerate. They had talked so much about her previous relationships when they were together that he knew things were done for her. She even texted him saying she found something out and was upset but left him on read once he replied.

At the end of the day, Jude was just a man. When they had gone no contact for two weeks because of him, he had hit on some girls. Put himself out there. He was so sure of what he wanted that it felt okay to be that selfish. He was mad at her for the way she acted at the club and had decided they wouldn’t match at all.

He also thought, being only 21, he had so much stuff to live. Why would he be stuck with someone he wasn’t even dating when he could live? He knew what he wanted.

Until he saw how much better she seemed without him. Jude wasn’t proud of it, but he kept tabs on her — usually checking her Twitter or her Instagram profile. She hadn’t tweeted anything in a few days and she was always going out; her Instagram stories filled with nice places, surrounded by friends and music, and looking majestic. Like he hadn’t hurt her at all. As if she felt nothing. As if, all this time, what was keeping her from thriving was him.

To say his ego was bruised was an understatement. He tried to give her tit for that, going out and posting, but even he knew he didn’t look near as happy as her. He still had her on his close friends, and she hadn’t posted anything in hers for a while.

Did she take him out of her close friends?

Why was she posting things so close to her male friends?

Why there were so many new people following her?

Who are those new people commenting on her posts?

Is this a friend of hers? Is she flirting?

It didn’t take a genius to understand that he was, more than ever, regretting. But Jude, always letting his pride take the best of him, wouldn’t show it. Not at all. He tried to act okay and nonchalant, as if he didn’t check his texts to see if she had finally replied, her Twitter account to see how her life was doing, her Instagram to check if she had found anyone at all.

Of course she must’ve had found someone new. Jude knew he could do the same, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He tried to go on a few dates, but every woman seemed so boring next to her. They didn’t talk like she did, they weren’t smart like she was, they weren’t near as funny as she was.

She, she and she. They were on a break, right? Technically, at least. She said she wouldn’t put any rules to the break, and at first that seemed like freedom to him. Now, it just felt like a taunt — a reminder she could not be there anymore when and if they got back. She had told him that, that he couldn’t expect her to be waiting on him forever. He couldn’t even expect her to wait, if he was being honest. Knowing her feisty personality, she would never wait on him.

Jude was filled with remorse. It was his choice and he thought he was doing the right thing, but he realized he had just been an impulsive prick. He got annoyed at her and thought he’d manage easily to be without her — after all, they were just a thing. A little serious, of course, but not official.

But when he laid in bed alone, he missed her caresses, as if only she knew the right way to mess with his soft locks. He missed her laughter, the smile that was always on her face when they were together. The shy way she’d get closer when she wanted him to caress her, almost as if she’d get too vulnerable for asking something he was more than willing to give her. God, he missed being at her place, on her bed, talking the whole day and his friends asking where the hell he had gone. He missed the sex, the way she’d pant his name, the way her eyes shut close when it was too much, how she’d hold his face when he was on top of her so his eyes would never leave hers. As if it was even necessary.

It seemed like he couldn’t find that on anyone else. Nothing even slightly close. He’d even try to picture her as some of the girls he went out with, but even that didn’t work. His life just seemed to go downhill as hers thrived.

It made him bitter. Jude made his bed, and he was lying on it.

Did she still think about him, at least? Did she keep tabs too? Was it an act?

Who was he trying to fool? She probably hated him by now. Not wanting to see even the slightest trace of his existence, if he knew her.

It was another insufferable Friday, which meant he had to find something to do. His life couldn’t stop just because one aspect of it was completely, utterly fucked. Jude texted his friends and most of them were going to this expensive, fancy bar they had the habit of going.

He truly liked the place — hanging lights, lots of plants surrounding it on the outside. The dark wooden, shiny floor and the elegant black marble where you’d get your drinks and the strategically placed couches of velvet in a shade of dark blue. It was pleasant, refreshing and ostentatious. Seemed like the perfect place to get her out of his mind.

Or so, he thought. He should’ve known better, he should’ve known she would, somehow, by an unfortunate coincidence, show up when he was decided to forget her for one night, at least.

His feet were making its way to her before his mind could stop it. Too focused on the way she sat on the couch, crossing her legs. The way that her skirt slowly rode up whenever she’d slightly shift her position and that goddamn leather crop top was, most certainly, going to be the death of him.

Jude’s eyes were so focused on the breathtaking, unexpected sight of her that he didn’t notice she had someone with her until he was too close. He opened his mouth, but words seemed to die on his dry throat. She seemed surprised to see him – not in a positive way, however. He could see the small, slight frown on her face and the glance of disappointment.

He shouldn’t have left his place at all.

“Wait, is this—?” The man next to her spoke up. He seemed to be excited about Jude’s presence and that made him want to scoff. If he knew about the situation, he’d be quiet. The man wasn’t bad looking, far from it, but not what she deserved.

What she deserves then?, Jude asked himself. Because it definitely wasn’t what he did to her.

“I’m him.” Jude replied as fast as he could, staring at the man with a firm look. He was probably unaware of the situation, so why was Jude even trying to defy him in any way? He wouldn’t understand it.

“How do you know Jude Bellingham?” Her date asked her, looking at her with the biggest smile.

She gave him a small smile in return. Jude knew that smile too well — the one where she’d thin her lips, trying only to be polite when she was more than annoyed. What a great situation.

“Not a story that’s worth telling, really,” she told the man. Ouch. “Hello, Bellingham. Fancying your night?”

To anyone else, she might’ve sound polite. However, he knew it was a taunt. It was her mocking him, rubbing in his face her despise over him.

“Fancying it much more now with the sight of you,” Jude replied with a cocky grin. He knew he shouldn’t be acting like that and that it’d only make everything worse, but he needed to get at least a reaction out of her. To know there was still something she felt about him, even if it was buried deep down. Anything.

She just scoffed. It was clear that, if she could ignore his presence, she would. Perhaps he should’ve thought before moving his feet.

“I suppose you and I should talk,” Jude said after clearing his throat.

“I suppose that, if I wanted to talk to you, I’d have replied to your texts.”

Good point, he thought.

“I’m back.” Jude blurted out, his voice sounding too firm for someone who just said something his mind didn’t process. Being impulsive yet again, as if it wasn’t exactly why he ended up in this situation.

“I’m not.” She said with a sarcastic smile. Her date stared at her and then glanced at Jude, finally placing the pieces of the puzzle together. She must’ve talked about her situation with him, because he didn’t look that excited about Jude anymore. In fact, he seemed displeased.

“Well, I think you should be,” Jude said and looked into her eyes. “And I think we should talk.”

She rolled her eyes. Thankfully, she knew him enough to know that he wouldn’t give up until they had a proper conversation, even if that meant she’d throw everything he had done in his face. Even if that meant all he’d get from her was sarcastic, snarky comments. She muttered an apology to her date, promising she would be back soon enough. Jude guided her somewhere a little far from the man, giving him a glance before staring at her.

“Did you really have to interrupt my date?” She asked with annoyance. He had forgotten how beautiful she could look when she was angry and how kissable her lips could turn.

“Please,” Jude rolled his eyes. “Is that who you’re fucking with? You could do better than him.”

“First of all,” she raised her fingers. “That’s none of your business. And second, doing better than him definitely isn’t doing you.”

He had it coming.

“Look, I fucked up—”

“And I don’t want to hear your lame excuses. I’m not in the mood.” She cut him off and he sighed, one hand running through his hair.

“I’m back. You said it was a break, didn’t you?” He asked, his tone more possessive now, allowing emotions to take control of him. “Let them know I’m back. Whoever it is you’re fucking with, I’m back.”

She stopped for a second, her brain processing his words. She didn’t see it coming, and neither did he.

“Did you seriously think I’d wait for you?” She asked, looking into his brown eyes. God, he’d do almost anything to have her looking in the soft, affectionate way she did. He forgot how cold she could be when she wanted to, and how it used to spread though her expressions.

“I’m not dumb,” he replied and looked away for a second, glancing once again at the man that was far away from them, scrolling through his phone as he waited for her.  “Is he keeping you satisfied, mama?”

“Mama?” She scoffed. “Ask my undone sheets, asshole.”

“So he touched you before you came here?” Jude asked, his jaw tightening. Technically, it was none of his business. Technically, he wasn’t allowed to feel like that. Technically, she was never his.

Technically.

“Since when are you this inconvenient and nosy?” She asked, not bothering to answer his question. He bit his lip, the thought of someone else having touched her before he even got the chance to see her that day killing him.

“Since I decided I’m coming back for good.” He replied firmly.

“You’re not coming back. There’s no fixing what you did.” She retorted. He didn’t even realize how heated the argument got, nor how his body instantly leaned closer to hers.

He was at her mercy, but of course she didn’t know that. How could she after what he did?

“There’s nothing broken, so of course there’s no fixing.” He said and she raised her eyebrows, read, to throw some sarcastic remark, but he continued: “It’s unfinished. It’s different.”

“It’s very finished. It’s over. Over.” She said in a somewhat aggressive tone.

Oh, how he wanted to just grab her by the arms and shut her up. He was always good at doing that.

“You know what pretty? Words are coming out of your mouth, but I just can’t seem to listen to them.” Jude smirked. “Wanna talk closer to my face? Maybe put some sense into me, hm?”

“If I get any closer to your face, it’ll be to slap you.”

He was finally getting a reaction from her.

“I wouldn’t mind. I kind of deserve it, after all.” He shrugged. “You know it makes no sense you and whoever that guy is.”

“Edward. His name is Edward.”

“Great. Another reason why it makes no sense.” Jude grinned and held back a chuckle from his own sentence. “Did I fuck up that badly that you just chose a guy named Edward? Thought you had gone through your Twilight phase when you were a child.”

She shook her head. He could see that even her wanted to laugh at his joke. She probably would, if it was someone else saying it.

“Yeah, you did fuck up that badly.” She replied and he could feel a pang hurt in his chest. His expression quickly faltered, and he took a deep breath.

“Princess, I’ll be fully honest with you,” Jude said, feeling like this could be the only time she’d hear him, now he had broken one of her walls down. “I won’t lie and say I was a saint in the meantime. I won’t even say that you’re wrong about the intentions I had when I wanted to break things off, but not enough for you to leave. But to say I’m regretting is an understatement. Can’t find you anywhere.”

She sighed. She had known his intentions from the moment he tried to keep her around, despite apparently not wanting to be with her anymore

“Took you losing me to find that out?” She asked, her voice vulnerable.

“No,” Jude quickly replied, shaking his head and caressing her cheek to try to calm her down. He didn’t even know how she allowed him to touch her. “No, baby. I knew it when I had you, I just—” he sighed. “I was dumb. So dumb. And blind, as well.”

She sighed as well, taking a step back a Jude’s hand slowly left her face. The distance that was created made his heart ache. He wanted to be able to touch her again, to hold her. To rebuild the trust that he had wrecked.

“Just because you realized that you were dumb and what you actually lost,” she looked at him. “Doesn’t mean I’m taking you back. I’m sorry— well, not really. I do think you deserve it, but I don’t mean to harm you by not taking you back. It’s not out of spite, it’s just—”

“I broke your trust,” Jude finished her sentence and she nodded. He knew about her trust issues, and she had warned him so many times. In fact, she had warned him about everything that was happening; how, if they ever broke what hey had up, he’d be the one losing. How she knew her worth, how she wouldn’t come back. And how her good opinion, once lost, was lost forever.

Still, he gave her a soft smile.

“I get it. I do. And I also think I deserve it,” Jude bit his lip. “But I can be persistent. And, also, I have your coat back home. I can always use that as an excuse.”

She rolled her eyes and he chuckled. He was certain she had forgotten about her coat and would now be asking for it back. At least, he had a proper excuse to text her and to try to meet her again. Alone, preferably, not with the company of another man.

“Go back to him,” he said, his tone lower now as she began to walk away. He was defeated, but the war wasn’t over. Not yet, not now. “But princess?”

And, for some unbeknownst reason, she looked up at him when he called her by her nickname.

“Don’t let him touch you,” Jude said, and she knew what he meant. “You and I, we’re not done. You want war, then I’ll show you what’s in store. But this is not over.”

With that warning, he let her go.