and yes, i've seen a lot of people saying things like "they're just strangers on the internet" and "don't give them power." and i completely agree. and i wish it was that easy for me. but i'm just... not in the best place mentally. i've struggled with depression for a long time, and i've had some very dark periods in my life (triggering stuff that i can’t talk about) that i'm still trying to heal from. so when people say things that target those exact wounds, esp the threats — even if they're coming from anonymous strangers, it still hurts. a lot.

and of course, it doesn't mean they're right. it doesn't mean i believe them. it just means they hit something painful. and that's why i reacted the way i did. they triggered things i've spent years trying to work through. i'm still working through them. so if i seemed overwhelmed, that's why. i'm trying my best.

and i'm really grateful to everyone who showed me kindness. i love and appreciate you all so much.

and i've seen a lot of people suggesting that this “hater” could be someone i used to know. truthfully, i've had that thought too. because.. well, i will admit that some of the comments felt strangely personal. and i’d be lying if i said they didn't remind me of a ... mutual.

and if by some chance it really is the person i used to be friends with, the person who still seems to know far too much about what's happening on my blog for someone who supposedly “hates” me:

i’m really sorry our friendship ended the way it did, and i'm sorry that whatever image of me exists in your head now is so much uglier than the person i actually was. — i don't think there's anything i can say that's going to give you the closure you're looking for. i just hope that one day you're able to find peace with whatever happened between us. i genuinely wish you well.

and i just wish you'd let me go.

anyway, that was kinda dramatic but i needed to let that out. and, im sick rn and im trying to rest, so it might take me a lil while to start writing again (not long but yeah i just need some time) & i will let y'all know when the next chapter is coming out x

and about my "interactions" and "friendships" and , umm .. okay, first of all, i love all the people who support me. love you, love my moots 🩷 and this isn't directed at my moots at all. it's more aimed at people who might want to interact with me more or become closer friends in the future: i just wanna say that this whole thing has honestly given me a lot of trust issues, lmao. and whether i'm right or wrong about who was behind it, i think i'm done chasing friendships with people whose values are completely different from mine? and i mean, it's okay to be different. not everyone is going to think the same way, and that's completely fine. but i've realized that a lot of the people i tried to connect with didn't treat me with the same kindness, respect or effort that i gave them. and i don't want that anymore.

i'm saying this because this situation has honestly made me look back on a lot of past friendships on tumblr, especially one in particular (they traumatized me). i don't think i trust people as easily as i used to anymore, i don’t think i can interact with people like i used to. so yeah, i'm just putting this out there because i think i want a much quieter experience on here moving forward. (like DAMN i jus wanna write fanfics 💔)

and please don't take this as me hating writers/readers or wanting nothing to do with this community </3 i'll always support writers on this platform. i'll always read fics, leave love on stories, recommend works i enjoy, and cheer people on from the sidelines.

i just don't think i want to be heavily involved in ... um, anything tbh. and i think it's healthier for me to have that boundary. i'm perfectly happy being part of the audience, enjoying people's work, supporting them, and then quietly returning to my little corner.