#smilingthroughthetears

Happy Independence Day! #friends #smilingthroughthetears #2021 #4thofjuly (at Hadley, Kentucky) https://www.instagram.com/p/CQ5I6ADJ7kwixxjKoLMm1J7Qd5FPITz3hgj1L00/?utm_medium=tumblr

I sing sad drinking songs and murder ballads - but man it makes me happy #countrymusic #smilingthroughthetears #musicianslife

Last day vibes. #neverleaving #smilingthroughthetears #sisterhood #sistersabroad #Florence (at Florence, Italy)

My emotions feel like the tide, always changing, always on the move. One moment, happy, independent, hopeful. The next, down, lonely, scared. But I’m getting there. I’ve started going to the club by myself after physio on Wednesdays. Just to get out of the house. Be happy with my own company. I leave my phone in my bag, and I eat my dinner. I sit alone. I eat alone. And it’s not that scary. But then there are times when I’m at home one my own and I feel totally alone. And unwanted. Like no one wants to be around me. And I miss people. I miss the people that he and I hung out with. And I miss the life that we had. And then I get angry and upset. Why haven’t they contacted me? I’m going through a difficult time and I feel like hardly anyone is there for me. I have 3 guys that are constantly talking to me, hanging out with me, being great friends. And then I get upset with myself. Friendship is a two way street. I can contact them too. Maybe they are having issues as well. Maybe I’m being selfish. Life is not all about me. Maybe they don’t even know that we split. It’s not like there was a news broadcast about it. And I have been Facebook absent since the split. I was considering deleting it but I want to keep it for messenger. I think I’m getting to the stage where I am feeling a bit stronger, and happier. I know that I did nothing wrong. It’s his issue. I did everything I could to make him happy. I loved him unconditionally. He loved me. He said that I deserve someone who treats me better than he does, (he said he’s known that for a while) and I am really starting to believe that. I do deserve better. I deserve to be appreciated. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to feel wanted. I deserve to feel pretty, attractive and I deserve to be told so. Not to be made feel inadequate, Unattractive, like a second choice. I’m craving that. I want the attention. I feel bad enough physically and emotionally after the accident and the breakup just magnified everything. My doubts, my fears, my insecurities. But it’s time to stop the tears. Time to stop the pity party. I’m a strong woman. Stronger than I give myself credit for. I’ve got this. I will always love him. I know that and I can now accept that. But I can still move on knowing that I had so many amazing adventures with him. And without him, the last 3 and a half years wouldn’t have been the same. I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I learning to love that person again. I don’t need someone else to love me to make me feel whole. I would like it. I want it. But I don’t feel I need it to make me feel normal. I saw a car accident this afternoon. It brought back so many memories. And an urge to speak to him. I feel this connection with him because of the accident. And fear. So much fear. I felt sick to my stomach. Flashbacks. Bad memories. Anger. Hurt. The pain. I knew I had to do something. I called an ambulance. Going through the routine questions was horrible. I could see myself lying on the road. That stranger on the phone, looking at me, answering the same questions. Looking at the blood on my hands. My hands shaking. The cold road. His was hand, stroking my forehead. Comforting me. And then I snap back to reality and realise those people are gone. The girl who got into that car, and the man comforting her. These times I just want to speak to him. He was the only other person there. As much as I try to explain to people what I went through and am going through, it’s not the same as experiencing it together. Maybe one day I’ll be at a place where I can send him a message at those times. I booked an appointment with my psychologist again. I need to deal with this. And maybe it’s time I share this. It’s been my secret place for a few months. It may give some an insight into what’s going on on my head. But who? The last thing I want is to feel judged. I just want to be loved and accepted. This is my brains innermost secrets. Unfiltered. Word vomit. Uncensored. But then there’s the fear. The fear of judgement. I don’t want anyone to think this is attention seeking. I think that’s why I haven’t told anyone about it. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I will message someone I was really close with and feel like we’ve drifted apart. I miss him. I’ve only spoken to him once since the breakup and I was upset that i hadn’t heard from him more. But as I said earlier, friendship is a two way street. And maybe he has things going on in his life that he is dealing with. Tomorrow is a new day for another step forward.

Mad cheesin' 🙈🙈 I was literally so sick on this trip #wholetmego #smilingthroughthetears #outdoorleadership2016 #lookatmysocks #theydonotmatchmyoutfit #moabutah #timeforanotheradventure #isntbellasocute

That indescribable feeling when you see yourself and your work and when others see you too...priceless! #thankful #IveComeALongWayStillGoing #smilingthroughthetears #pushing #Actresslife #ButGod #PSA #printAds #billboards #campaign #staplesforstudents @staples @think_it_up @ecclesinephoto (at 3rd Street Promenade.. Santa Monica, CA)

LOL :)