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@justdavina for @lisalovelace1 Lisa is now working for me at my dress shop as a moderator. She's a adorable maid and will keep our wonderful community nice and clean! She's a great writer too!
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
β Live Streamingβ Interactive Chatβ Private Showsβ HD Qualityβ Free Actions
Free to watch β’ No registration required β’ HD streaming
My friend Sam and I each bet Β£100 for who would get the most kisses at the party tonight.
Well ... he never specified that it had to be kisses from girls.
My goth-girl baddie getup will definitely have the guys lining up for my lips π
*applies lipstick*
Maybe even Sam will want to kiss me himself! X
... OK.
Let's talk about it. All of it.
The time is currently 2:52am in the UK. I'm in too much pain to sleep, and my mood wouldn't allow it right now either.
I left Tumblr earlier this year. When I did, I cited that I 'need to move on' from this. I need to stop engaging in a world that I know is right for me personally, but not right for my prospects.
My diagnosis of fibromyalgia arrived in February. Since then, FND has been floated as an additional possibility. My brain is mush, my head feels like it's been blended and my body gives off the sensation that I've been fed to a meat-grinder.
When I left here, I was exhausted. It was something I could easily cut myself off from and lose the pressure.
Pressure that was never actually there. Pressure that I put on myself to be something more than just ... me. I tried so hard to be some kind of saint, paragon or otherworldly goddess of transgender wisdom and wit.
I tried so hard to have people recognise how "good" I am at things that I lost sight of the fun involved in the process of doing them. It started to matter more whether a post received engagement than whether I actually enjoyed making it.
I also saw a chance to link my following from here to my TikTok and ... genuinely, I don't know why I did it. I must have had some delusions of grandeur that misled me into believing that I could be one of the great trans goddesses of the world.
I'm not that. I will never be that. In foolishly believing that I could somehow be that, I cut myself off from some of the most genuinely heartwarming connections I have ever had. I left true friends behind on this app when I vanished, and it's no word of a lie that I've been thinking of them more and more. Absence certainly makes the heart grow fonder, but I already loved all of you dolls before I left.
My newly-discovered disabilities have greatly lowered my quality of life ... and I'm worried that if I keep cutting people off, I'll maybe never feel the same sense of belonging that I did before.
Another thing to clear up is a little more awkward, but I did say I would explain all of it.
This eventually started to feel like work.
I had actual ... like ... benchmarks to reach. There were self-imposed targets, and I didn't want to underperform.
I took this place too seriously. I have been taking everything too seriously.
I'm ready to be un-serious.
One more aspect that I noticed was becoming really unhealthy was ... well ... I think Tumblr in some way may have actually led me to the asexual discovery, but I'm not sure why. Maybe it just felt dirty to me. Maybe my past self was hitting me over the head with something whenever I lost my cool at a 'Lebanne/Jacinthe forcefem' theory.
I've been trying to be perfect.
I'm not. I never will be. I can't be.
I can try to enjoy things though - it's really my only medicine when it comes to fibro.
Drawing, singing and gaming are all nice distractions, but one of my other main ones has been on pause for a while.
I used to spend hours making captions.
I think I stopped because nothing concrete ever came of it.
But that's the thing - why does it have to be concrete?
Nothing lasts forever, so I'm just going to be me from now on. I'm going to do what I need to do.
If any of you lovely girlies want to chat, please hmu. I promise I'll try to can the situational depression the pain has put me in so that we can just be silly gals again x
