Wolfstar Headcanon
Sirius and Remus have been best friends for a few years now. But their friendship has evolved into something more. Funny looks became stolen glances, accidental pushes became brushing shoulders, and smiles turned into fast beating hearts.
They didn't tell each other. They were too blinded by their own crushes to see that the feeling was mutual.
But they hung around and longed for physical contact and truthful conversations. Their banter just never got to that.
Until one day, when James was out with Lily on the grounds and Peter went to a study session with some Hufflepuffs and other Gryffindors.
Sirius looked out the window, at James and Lily. They got it so bad for each other. They laughed and smiled, and teased. Lily was acting embarrassed, but she loved spending time with James. He loved making her laugh, and even if she tried to hide it, she did.
Sirius was happy for his friends. He really was. He just wished he could be like that.
He wished for someone to go out with. Someone to surprise and annoy. Someone to love and be loved by.
Of course he wished Remus could be the one to do all those things with him.
But Remus would never love him back.
Sirius Black wasn't boyfriend material, and Remus would never love him. Why would he? He was just an idiot, not strong enough to stand up to his family, with no talents except making people laugh, with a broken home and an unstable mind.
Sirius tried to smile and fight back the tears. He was happy for his friends' relationship, but he wanted one of his own too. He was tired of feeling lonely and keeping everything inside of him.
"Hey, Pads, what you looking at?"
Sirius started coughing and rubbed his eyes at the sound of the voice of Remus. He didn't want him to know he was just crying.
"Lily is trying to push James into the lake. I'll bet you three galleons she falls in with him." he faked a laugh, still not facing the blond boy.
"I can't actually believe Lily fancies that idiot. But you can see they're good together. "
Remus sits by the window, next to Sirius, looking outside too.
Sirius glances at him quickly. He notices this, and glances back.
"You're awfully quiet. And your eyes are red" he furrowed his eyebrows "were you-"
"No!" Sirius interrupted "I'm fine, everything's fine. " He got up and brushed his hands on his trousers.
"You know I don't believe a word you just said," Remus remained sitting, but he faced Sirius turning his back on the window and leaning on the edge of his sit "so just say the truth please. "
Sirius considered, but his impulses were faster. His mind seemed to be going a hundred miles an hour, with the emotional chaos he was in and being caught by Remus before getting to pull himself together first.
"Why do James and Lily get to have love?"
Remus's facial expression changes completely, from confused to worried "Pads-"
"I mean, I'm glad they have each other. I am. They look so content with each other, they're always laughing" Sirius took a few steps closer to the glass, looked out and his eyes seemed frantic "but why do they get to experience that? I don't. I haven't." his hands go into his pockets and then out, resting on its hem for a few seconds before changing positions again.
"My parents don't love me." he stared Remus for a fraction of a second before he turned his back on him again "Neither does Regulus. If they did they wouldn't treat me the way they did. I'm so messed up that not even my family likes me, and at school is the same. "
"That's not-"
"The teachers don't like me, I try hard to study but the work just doesn't pay off. Some of them seem to even have high expectation of me but I-" he sighs "I just never seem to meet those standards." Sirius sat on the floor and Remus was too astonished to move. He was afraid Sirius would overreact if he made any sudden movement.
"Pads I really t-"
"And then, as if it wasn't enough" the brunette's face twitches into a forced smile "I get these feelings that I shouldn't have."
Remus's eyes widened but he didn't say anything.
"It's like everybody else is just living their lives, acing classes, getting girlfriends and I try to do that but it just feels like I'm playing a part." he rests his face in his hands while his voice cracks up from the tears verging to come out.
"And as the finishing blow, you don't even like me back!"
At this point, Sirius was pulling at his hair and exhaling loudly. The window was far above his eye level, but he could still see James and Lily, laughing their hearts out.
He didn't even had the mind to process he had just told Remus he liked him.
"Sirius." Said Remus in a soft, low voice.
Sirius started crying, his hands resting in his hair and his face against his knees so he could hide his tears. His shoulders went up and down uncontrollably.
Remus was appalled at what he'd just witnessed. He slided out of his seat to the floor, and got himself closer to his friend. His left hand went to Sirius's head and the right to the boy's knee.
"Am I unloveable? Is it me? Is it because I'm a failure? There has to be something wrong with me, I-"
"Sirius, listen to me."
His voice broke "I'm so so sorry. "
"Sirius. You are none of those things. You are one of the bravest people I know. You're loyal and caring too. And I'm sure if it was me on your situation you'd be much better at diffusing the tension than I'm bejng right now."
"You say that, but it doesn't make it true."
"Maybe it doesn't feel true to you" his hands took Sirius's hands from his hair and held them "but I promise that's how I see you. You're an amazing person, Sirius."
The crying boy looked up at Remus and then at their hands. He was speechless. He didn't understand what was happening.
"You...?" his eyes went back up into Remus's, which were alert and still.
He cleared his throat "Yes, but I never knew you felt it too."
Sirius felt confused and wary of what was happening "Are you sure, Moony?"
He sighed "Pads, you're genuinely an incredible person, and a great friend. You're the one who helps James with his issues, you scare off anyone that tries to be mean to Wormtail, you always make excuses and help me avoid questions and conversations after a full moon. You worry so much for your friends, and you're a good person but you get hung up on false opinions of yourself."
Holding hands with Remus was a big thing. It didn't fix his other issues in any way. His family still hated him, he was still a bad student and he still loathed himself. But Remus knew about his feelings for him, didn't hate him for it and even better, he returned those feelings back. Sirius's tears began drying while he took a few deep breaths with the help and guidance of Remus.
"I'm sorry."
Remus rolled his eyes and rested a hand on Black's back "If you apologize one more time I'll have to punch you, you hear me, Padfoot? You've got nothing to be sorry for. Everyone has feelings and has a right to express them, you included. And you are in no way bothering me with them."
Sirius chuckled "OK, Moony. Thank you."
Remus sighed dramatically "One of these days I will be the one who pushes you into the lake, like Lily is doing to James."
Sirius looked outside and smiled "James grabbed her jumper and they're falling in together. I believe you owe me 3 galleons" he side eyed Remus to watch his confused expression.
He sneered "You git."
Sirius laughed at him.
Remus's feelings weren't the thing that helped Sirius out, what helped was being able to exteriorize his feelings in a healthy way, and being answered not with harsh words but comfort and help. Remus wasn't just a love interest, he was his best friend and an essencial part of his life. He would never forget that.
