#silver9mm

Rules: google your name + your favourite colour + “aesthetic”. take the first four images (non-collage) and voila, your aesthetic moodboard!

Thank you @silver9mm for tagging me ♡♡

Gooood this turned out so lovely 🌸

There is no angel exorcism spell that Sam knows of right now.

Fingers glide along the page before he turns it, and he thinks that somewhere, there must be one.

“Don’t you think we would know?” Castiel had asked, his brows pulling together into a crease.

“Like we knew about the Mark of Cain? Or the Darkness? Or that we could kill Death? Or that Lucifer could reproduce?” Sam had bowed his head back over his book and shaken his head. “We know so much about the supernatural, probably more than anyone else alive, with the Men of Letters’ resources… and yet somehow we always end up fighting in the dark.”

“That’s not true. We’ve also fought during the day.”

Sam had huffed out a tired laugh, tried not to roll his eyes. “Cas--”

There had been just the ghost of a smile lurking around Castiel’s lips. “You’re… are you making a joke?” Sam had asked, disbelieving.

“Isn’t that what Dean would do?” Castiel had asked with a tilt of his head.

And then Sam had understood.

“I know you miss him,” Castiel had said quietly. “I do too.”

If Sam had only missed Dean, that would have been fine. People missed each other all the time. But this wasn’t just a sense of loss, or a change of routine.

Sam has turned the pages of many tomes by now, seen the faces of a hundred Michael’s. The Renaissance paintings with all their blazing light and color can’t do justice to Dean. The rounded, angelic faces and full lips a pale attempt at his brother’s beauty, falling flat and cold by comparison. Michael in all his glory can’t hold a candle to the energy of Dean simply occupying a room. Even when his brother sits still there’s a sense of movement, of energy about him. Dean has never in his life simply sat in the dark; the dark was a space Dean had chosen to fill.

Sam feels the lack of that energy, that presence now, grown so used to it that its absence seems a living thing. In the bunker, there’s a Dean-shaped hole that follows Sam like a shadow, scooped out like the hollow space in his soul. They are grown men and they keep their own rooms, but all too often they still share as they’ve shared motel rooms and beds for so many years, bodies slotted together, snugged up safe and side by side, their intertwined limbs forming the shape of a secret, the unspoken words of a vow.

In the darkness, beneath the blankets, beneath the moon, he has traced the shape of his brother’s lips a thousand times, stared into the fire of those sharp eyes, and known he was home.

Michael is ice, carved from marble and empty of life, and for the few moments Sam had looked into the angel’s eyes inside his brother’s body, he’d understood that Michael had no soul. That Dean was completely gone, shoved so deep down inside that he might be lost forever.

Sam doesn’t just miss Dean. He is unnerved by the lack of Dean. Not just by the lack of Dean beside him--the empty hole that sits and stares--but by the lack of Dean in this world. Even Dean with the mark, Dean as a demon; both had still been Dean deep down. He could see glimpses of his brother, his lover, still struggling to live. But now Dean is gone, buried inside the bones of a creature cold and fine as snow, and Sam feels aloneness as he never has.

Sam takes a breath, letting air fill his lungs, and turns another page.

There is no angel exorcism spell that Sam knows of right now.

1. DOLLHOUSE STILL because I have an exposition problem and I'm spending entirely too much time enjoying myself with the build up?

For Sam, it was a slow acclimation. Watching his big brother disappear under the creams and powders, soft fabrics in soft colors he would otherwise never wear.

When Castiel turns Dean around to face the mirror, though, the shock of finding himself obscured visibly passes through his body. His already pinched-pink cheeks flush splotchy red, the color making a slow crawl down his neck and across his chest. The lip gloss is soft but still strings a little between his lips when Dean’s mouth falls open without a sound beyond a rush of breath. His lashes flutter beautifully against his cheeks as he blinks at himself, uncomprehendingly. 

“Isn’t she pretty, Sammy?” Castiel says lightly, gripping Dean’s arms harder when he takes a startled step back into his chest.

2. past-sexworker!Sam dialogue experiment (eventual wincest?) fic that popped into my head out of nowhere and wound up with almost 2k words via stream-of-consciousness?

Some nights, Sam thinks about them. The mostly nameless faces that have passed through him, over him, under him. Sometimes he thinks of them fondly, wonderingly as though they were old classmates (some were) and hopes they’re somewhere better. Some he thinks of with the annoyed levity that people who face customers must have to tell stories about them. Though Sam only tells himself these stories.

3. A League of Legends fic in which two sadists pair up on a murder spree because apparently i'm That Guy and also a horrific nerd.

Before he leaves, he sticks a stolen, ordinary gun into her mouth – beautiful, beautiful, she doesn’t even resist him – and makes her misery infinite. Her soul screams again, as it had at first, when it is reaped and Thresh swells with her dread.

4. speaking of my being a Big Ol’ Nerd, is it obvious i had an anime phase? well i'm back on my bullshit because naruto isn't a phase or some shit apparently and team 7 will always kill me a little??

Fic link: AO3 Relationships: Sam/Dean, Sam/Ruby, Dean/others Word count:143,889 Rating: Explicit Warnings and key tags: MCD, Violence, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Drug Addiction/Abuse, Depression, Anxiety Attacks, Eating Disorders, Gangbang, Needles, Blood, Murder/Suicide

Summary: AU for S4. Sam never got stabbed in S2, so Dean ends up in a brothel. Sam rescues him, but kind of makes everything worse.

This is my fave because: It took me 3+ years to write, for one thing. It was a challenge to myself as well—how could I create a story where the ending is believable, even though it goes against what so many fans think the brothers capable of. I think I pulled it off, and I’m incredibly happy with the final product.

But the thing is, when I start thinking back to songs that mean something to me, like super personally...well, sometimes I just don’t want to remember things. I got really sick when I was 11 and now it’s systemic and chronic, and it turned me schizophrenic starting about age 16 and that lasted for another 15 years. Music, literally, kept me alive. It was my best friend, the one thing I could trust. It was how I found validation for the fucked up things I was seeing and the way I felt. It’s how I spoke to the outside world---anyone who knew me then got at least one mix-tape from me, sometimes dozens. I would take lyrics and write stories about my friends with them. I had to go home and get lyrics down on paper instead of going to parties. When I rode the train cross-country, I lugged my 300 disc CD book the whole way, clutched to my chest. I kind of want to be buried with my headphones in but I’m a little worried I’ll wake up from being dead when the battery runs out.

Anyway, in the last few years...basically since I discovered Supernatural, music has taken on a whole new meaning for me. Life in general has changed. It’s better. It’s more fun, more interesting. I’ve found a creative outlet, and especially concerning music, I’m not slathering my experiences, my insanity, my feelings of loss and isolation and paranoia and confusion all over it. I’ve learned how to step outside my little fear-bubble and enjoy music from a whole new angle. So I thought, instead of going through my 130 gigs of music and forcing myself to think about those songs that I love for personal reasons and thus scratching at emotional scars and scabs of my real life, I’d do something more fun for me and pick my 15 favourite songs that exemplify my 15 long Supernatural fics, because since I’ve been writing, my life has improved by leaps and bounds and there’s not a single traumatic memory attached to the experience.

That was really long-winded.

With You by Matt Simons: This is from the soundtrack to Sense Of Life, which is my first published fic. I’m so glad I wasn’t really ‘in the fandom’ when I wrote this, because I never would have had the guts to write it if I’d known how much most shippers don’t like OFC. I would have worried too much about Mary-Sue’ing or whatever whatever. What I wanted to write about was giving the boys something to love, and then taking it away from them, because if they aren’t hurting, what’s the point? So I gave Sam a separated-at-six-months twin sister, and Dean a sick angel, then I gave them reasons to all get naked in a room together, because little did I know, Plot Productive Porn™ would be my go-to writing device. Anyway, looming over the whole fiasco is John Winchester’s A+ parenting, which sets this story up in the first place, and I was so gleefully fulfilled when I randomly heard this song somewhere while writing the fic. I was like, yesperfect.

My job to control you, darling, though I barely know you, hoping you grow tired and start giving in. Spout of holy water pour it on my only daughter maybe there's a shot she'll begin again. So wrong

Lucky With Disease by Elbow: I think this would be Crowley’s favourite band. That said, this is one of my most favourite wincestiel songs and is perfect for Wash It Away---the first fic I wrote, and it shows. A few OOC things, but I just went with what I picked up from the light smattering of gifs that had crossed my dash---I hadn’t even seen a single episode of the show yet. My least favourite fic, but still...it’s not terrible, and I love the dynamic of hurt-angry!Dean and fixer!Sam and Cas falling somewhere in between, willing to do whatever it takes to help. I definitely stuck to the first two characterisations for the rest of my writing. 

Fell like a crippled crow Spinning through and breaking branches I'm in a bad way Call my friends, they'll know what to do

Not as handsome as my brother But I've been lucky with disease

And yes, I'm a better friend Than I've ever been a lover And that's not saying much But I'm not saying much today

Make Me Wanna Die by The Pretty Reckless: In some different timeline, all I’m doing is writing Megstiel. But Never The Same is all I’ve managed and it’s typical---crazy!Cas and caretaker!Meg, bees, honey. Okay, honey as lube and bees around quivering nethers, but that ‘oh what the fuck okay fine’ sentiment is there that I always loved so much about Meg. 

I had everything Opportunities for eternity And I could belong to the night Then your eyes Your eyes I can see in your eyes Your eyes You make me wanna die I'll never be good enough You make me wanna die

Adolescence by Brown Bird: Rise Above It is my goriest fic to-date, and the sort of weird, sinister nature of this song seems perfect for it. Another wincestiel fic in the same vein of WIA but I think I got the characters down a little better. Dean can’t stand himself and thinks he hates Castiel for caring about him, and Cas, par for the course, makes things worse trying to make it better, but Sam knows just where to dig into the bloody mess to get it all right again. 

So long adolescence of the frightened soul You're entering the ritual Lay down your every fear upon the altar child Prepare to play the man's role

Stay strong the sound of screaming's just the sacred rite Of death begetting new life

We are here but for the grace of everything divine It's the providence that we must find

If (don’t ever blame yourself) by Last Days of April: People who can write early-season wincest are my heroes, okay. Dean’s a different animal now, isn’t he? I’m not even remotely suggesting he’s better one way or the other, just that he’s harder for me to grasp in the first couple of seasons. Harder for me to find his voice, and I can’t even say I really ‘got it’ with The Dawn Breaks...because I don’t fucking remember writing this fic at all. I have no idea where it came from, but it’s dark and dirty and Sam is toeing the line of making himself into the same monster that hurt Dean in the first place, but in the end, he pulls it off.

If it is hard to bear I'll hold the weight If there are things you ain't I'll compensate But you should never blame yourself Put the blame on everybody else 'cause they don't see what I see If no one understands I'll understand

Lovers’ Eyes by Mumford and Sons: ngl, the entire soundtrack for Becoming Less Defined is my favourite song. I fucking nailed it with these songs: perfect combo, perfect order, perfect atmosphere, but this song in particular showcases my particular obsessive trope here. I’m so fucking proud of this ’verse, and I’m climbing the walls to get back to it and finish it. I can’t leave omega-tainted!Dean and Wall-crumbled!Sam and sweet, insane omega!Jensen in limbo. I mean, there’s actual Purgatory to get to, after all. 

Were we too young, our heads too strong To bear the weight of these lovers’ eyes I feel numb beneath your tongue Beneath the curse of these lovers’ eyes But do not ask the price I pay I must live with my quiet rage Tame the ghosts in my head That run wild and wish me dead

Complicated Shadows by Elvis Costello: It’s hard to get Dean alone sometimes, but this song really conjures up that early-season hero that I was talking about before, and writing Turn In Early was supposed to be just a little jerk-off fic, some imaginative Deancest, but because I’m the worst, it’s all slathered in gentle pain. 

Well you know your time has come and you're sorry for what you've done You should've never have been playing with a gun In those complicated shadows Well there's a line that you must toe And it'll soon be time to go But it's darker than you know in those complicated shadows

John’s Star by The National: A reminisce fic, Dean’s B.S., 2001 is a rare moment of self-reflection for Dean, but he’ll only go so far back. I love the idea of Stanford-era!Dean, sidelined, a captive audience, listening to music he probably would never on his own terms, and hearing lyrics that just fucking hit home. There’s nothing explicit about this fic, no overt wincest, but it’s there, especially with songs like this.

I don't ever want you to come home again I don't want to hear your call, your voice in my room I am divine, my arms are stronger than rivers And when you feel that way, you want to feel that way again Forever

Once ruined, baby you stay ruined

Evidence by Faith No More: The sleaze that undercurrents all of Mike Patton’s music is perfect for Dress Me Down, a jealous!Jensen J2/Genevieve blackmail fic, because you can just hear Jensen lying to himself through the music. 

If you want to open the hole Just put your head down and go Step beside the piece of the circumstance You got to wash away the taste of evidence Wash it away Evidence, evidence, evidence Got to taste evidence I didn't feel a thing It didn't mean a thing Look in the eye and testify I didn't feel a thing Anything you say, you know you're guilty Hands above your head and you won't even feel me You won't feel me

Sedated by Hozier: I would normally pick Great Expectations by Elbow for this, but the dangerous, powerful carelessness of this song fits Something To Share just as well. Schizophrenic, self-destructive and self-harming!Sam and totally out of his depth!Dean make deals and promises to each other and I just really, really love this fic okay leave me alone I’m fine. 

You and I nursing on a poison that never stung Our teeth and lungs are lined with the scum of it Somewhere for this, death and guns We are deaf, we are numb Free and young and we can feel none of it Something isn't right, babe I keep catching little words but the meaning's thin I'm somewhere outside my life, babe I keep scratching but somehow I can't get in So we're slaves to any semblance of touch Lord we should quit but we love it too much

Knock Me Out by Linda Perry: Back to my a/b/o ’verse with Between Two Minds, and we find poor Dean, omega-tainted and feeling like he can’t be loved, finally, finally starting to trust his little brother again.

You knocked me out You bit my lip You held me down and kept me sober Through all this time With no regret I guess that's just the way I liked it Maybe, when I'm free I'll realize all he really wanted To share all the peace Something I never wanted So wait, don't go Seems as though it's getting scary So please, don't you go

Feels Like by Buck 65: A song no one will listen to for a fic that no one reads. Dreamy, plinking piano for a fic that started out as a dream. My favourite artist with my favourite ending I’ve ever written. Give Buck and A Steep Fall a chance.

She found the lost boy, eyes that are crying closes Glad to be unhappy, boy gives her dying roses Ecstatic agony and nights of arousing glories Hungry hearts and hands that tell ten thousand stories Open wounds and the one word that filed under Her endless eyes have known hardship and wild wonder Kisses that cure and moments that cured the kiss Under a spell and maybe there's no words for this

I Drove All Night by Roy Orbison: The Mixtape Thing wasn’t supposed to be a fic, but I had to talk about why the songs were picked for the prompt ‘date night at the MoL Bunker’, and suddenly there was a sweet little wincest fic. Yeah, ‘sweet’. My fans were very surprised too. 

What in this world Keeps us from falling apart No matter where I go I hear The beating of our one heart I think about you When the night is cold and dark No one can move me The way that you do Nothing erases this feeling between me and you

Tell Me by Moby ft. Cold Specks: An alternative ending to BLD, But Then Again is the best thing I’ve written so far. J2/wincest/abo and so fucking full of angst and longing and good goddamn is it dirty. I’m so proud of it and myself for pulling it off, and even if I lose two more friends over it (i’m not bitter i’m very bitter), it’s still wonderful in my mind. 

Didn't have the heat I gave you memories Come deeper please I got nowhere to stay tonight Won't you make me stay? Keep your clear eyes on the prize And as I'm there Bring me to your knees

Baby Blue by Wolf Parade: Kill The Lights is the one unfinished fic on this list but I’m so close it counts. Fifty-nine songs to choose from. Five playlists. Over 100,000 words, and choosing one song to represent this brutal MCD fic is easy. Since it’s written from Sam’s POV, some of my favourite songs are the ones I imagine from Dean’s, and this is perfect. 

You're like a fool on fire To the water so blue I will come undone And I will run to you Sometimes we are an open flower Sometimes we are an open wound Sometimes we are a kind of echo chamber, wherein You're all fire and brimstone And I'm all that, too Burning blue for you

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