We need a Terry Pratchett style reimagining of The Silmarillion in which Melkor does not start out evil, or is never really evil, but is just a silly goose.
Melkor thought he was doing the gang a solid by trying to find the flame imperishable. He thought that was the point. He didnāt realise it was with Daddy Eru and his peers just left him to it āthere he goes again, off wandering in The Void!ā
āDo you think you should go after him ManwĆ«? Check heās okay?ā
āAm I my brotherās keeper?ā
Melkor not meaning to sing discordantly he just canāt sing for shit. Eru facepalming: heās made Melkor the mightiest Ainur but forgot to give him a good voice. Eru plays this off as if this was the plan all along.
Melkor eagerly agreeing to go down and order things in Arda and just being a clumsy wazzock.
āHere AulĆ« let me help - whoops!ā As he trips and flattens the mountain range AulĆ« has just finished raising up and polishing off. āSorry about thatā¦ Iāll fix it!ā Proceeds to build a volcano instead.
Ulmo, as the one with the best voice of the group (itās said the song of creation is similar to the sound of water after all) and who particularly cringed at Melkorās āsingingā, keeps begging best pal ManwĆ« to tell his brother to piss off or do as heās told. Poor Melkor is just desperately trying to prove himself, his desperation mounting with each failed attempt.
Melkor finds himself constantly at odds with his peers, theyāre always annoyed at him, telling him off and putting him down, so in the end he just thinks āfine then, screw them, Iāll do it my own way!ā
Enter stage: Mairon! At first heās trying to help AulĆ« out by being an ambassador to Melkor who frustrates his works the most, but then sees what a dorky goofball he actually is and immediately falls in love. The dude just needs some structure! Organisation! Mairon can help with that. Especially if it means he can spend more time with Mr. tall, dark, and handsome.
Then itās just the murder husbands pratting around. Melkor destroys the lamps in his attempt to improve them and then plays it off as if he was always meant to totally ruin them actually and oh no ManwĆ« donāt yell at me byeeeee! Oh Mairon youāre here thank The Void. Aha yes, mission accomplished! That was only a fraction of my power you know - oh no Iām shaking with, er, adrenaline! Yes! Not fear of my brother chasing me, no. Not that at all. Yes I would like to be held, a victory hug of course!
Everything he does never starts out with ill intent it just goes that way. Goes to āborrowā the Silmarils, gets in a row with FinwĆ« and accidentally kills him. Doesnāt even notice for 10 minutes whilst heās monologuing then is like - shit. Erm, time to run I guess!
Thinks bashing the trees of Valinor is a cute bonding exercise with his new bestie, Ungoliant. Doesnāt really think about them being destroyed, is having too much fun with his gal pal.
Realises heās an idiot too late when Ungoliant asks for the Silmarils. Tries to hide them, in a truly useless attempt, then realises heās no match for true feminine power and screams for Mairon, who coincidentally inhibits the only amount of femininity Melkor can hack.
āLook at the state of your hands! Those damned jewels have burned them!ā
āTis but a flesh wound!ā
Pretends FĆ«anor does not scare the living hell out of him and acts as though heās letting Gothmog and the gang prove their mettle.
Doesnāt particularly mind the siege as heās more of a homeboy anyway and lockdown with Mairon is actually very fun in more ways than oneā¦
Has a blast making dragons. Is so heckin proud of himself. Basically does a blog for Mairon of his progress and Mairon has a star chart for him to reward his good work.
Really CBA to fight this annoying little elf but okay guess I gotta save face with the gang and look good for Mairon. Ah hell as if he managed to hurt me! Play it cool, Melkor, Morgoth, whoever you are, play it cool for your hot maia husband. Er, excuse me, Manwƫ how dare you get involved!! Sending in an eagle is totes cheating!!
Devastated to be thwarted by feminine power once again though grateful this time he didnāt scream like a banshee on speed. Shouldāve known better though, complete goose move to underestimate an elf just because sheās very pretty to look at. Misses Mairon all the more after his puppy is murdered.
Thinks heās being nice letting Hurin have a world class view of proceedings. Sure heās got the guy captured but heās got a room with a view. A little gratitude wouldnāt go amiss.
āDragons will be dragons! Gotta let them do their thing!ā Aka taking no responsibility for his offspringās shenanigans.
āGuys, guys, canāt we talk about this? Iāll be good for real this time! Tulkas get off me- owww!ā Proceeds to thrash around like an eel. āEww, this totally does not work as necklace guys, itās meant to be a crown! Youāve ruined Maironās work!ā This last said with tears in his eyes.
Pines for Mairon whilst in The Void but then thinksā¦ ooooh, maybe this time I can find that heckin flame!! Eru likes to tease him like a cat with a laser pen and sends him rushing around after various lights in the darkness. It keeps them both occupied.
I know Iāve missed bits of his tale out, but you get the gist. Melkor has great capacity to be a hilarious character and I for one would love to see more of that. Tolkien already wrote him with a dark sense of humour and inner whimsy and you canāt convince me otherwise.
